Are You 'Holding Out' on the Whole Package?

[Ms Red]

Dilemma I'm facing, and some of you might be as well...

I'm marriage-minded, at the age where I want to get married and eventually start a family. With that said, I have cleared out my little black book of potentials: Strip-club fanatics? Gone. Living with mama? Gone. Out of school but has no car, no place to live? Gone. Emotially unavailable jerks making decent money but scared of commitment? Gone.

Okay, so that left me with a couple of choices. I met a physician last year at a networking dinner and we exchanged information. We did the back and forth e-mail thing and met up a few times after that. Soon, I found that the guy was so self-absorbed in his own life (e.g. always on a work-related trip and made no time for me)... I barely got a word (or well-planned date, due to his ER schedule) in... over the course of 3+ months. Never showed up on time, never called to say he's running late. Basically it was the M.D. show and I was the audience.

Finally I meet a guy who has no problem showering me (but Not smothering me!) with attention and affection. Introduces me to the whole family, meets mine. Actually God-fearing and not because it sounds good on a dating profile... someone with whom I connect, can really talk to (like a teammate) and see something meaningful with. He's marriage-minded, too. Except... where is the money??? Lives on his own, own car, etc. But I out-earn him. He's still in the stages of figuring out which career path to choose while I'm ready for marriage. Now, I was pretty specific in my prayers but come on! Is dating this unfair? I feel like I'm back at square one and now I understand why some are unmarried at 35+

He is actively working to get promoted, get more money, etc. He's where I was about 4 yrs. ago (I'm almost 2 yrs. older). The good definitely outweighs the bad, but I want to get serious with someone who is on solid financial footing. I'm not bailing just yet but I know I'm not alone... It's frustrating. I feel like 'how long will I wait?'

Are you holding out for the whole package? Or have you been here before?

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

He's everything you want, and the potential for more, but his income isn't where you want it to be. You have to decide whether or not that's highly important to you.

Until then, just enjoy his company and let him get himself together, or dump him since you're "holding out" for better.

 

[Ladyhenri]

How would you feel if you hesitated so long that he ended up in someone else's arms, got married to the person AND became wealthy?

 

[Ms Red]

It makes me wince just to read 'dump him' because I do care for him a lot. Yes, everything I want except finances (which can change).

I am not being hasty with this because I've been on both sides of the fence. Thanks for the advice, TLD.

He's everything you want, and the potential for more, but his income isn't where you want it to be. You have to decide whether or not that's highly important to you.

Until then, just enjoy his company and let him get himself together, or dump him since you're "holding out" for better.

 

[Ms Red]

I would be sick if his finances changed, met someone else and married them. Like crap.

How would you feel if you hesitated so long that he ended up in someone else's arms, got married to the person AND became wealthy?

 

[Ladyhenri]

I would be sick if his finances changed, met someone else and married them. Like crap.

It sounds like you really like him.

Dont miss out on someone good because he is not yet where you want him to be.
When i met my now DH, he on the equivalent of $46K, which is not a lot for London living. We Dated for four years before getting married and were on a tight budget for most of the first two, but now he is on double what he was making then....and still has the potential to make more.

So far as your guy is a hard worker, that is taking all the steps necessary to make more, don't worry yourself about his money, it will come.

 

[Bunny77]

How old is he?

 

[cheetarah1980]

He is actively working to get promoted, get more money, etc. He's where I was about 4 yrs. ago (I'm almost 2 yrs. older). The good definitely outweighs the bad, but I want to get serious with someone who is on solid financial footing. I'm not bailing just yet but I know I'm not alone... It's frustrating. I feel like 'how long will I wait?'

Are you holding out for the whole package? Or have you been here before?

What is he specifically doing to get that promotion and is advancement in his field realistic and what's the average timetable. Given that he's 2 years younger it's reasonable that he's not as far along in his career as you are yours.

Personally, I will date and actively pursue a committed relationship with a man who makes less than I do as long as he is working an actionable plan to advance his education/career goals. For example, right now I make more than the average first year medical resident. However, I know that that particular career field has huge upside potential in the future.
Now if a man making more than you is important to you then you also might have to eliminate certain careers because regardless of educational level they aren't well paid (i.e. teachers, social workers, some non-profit). For me, it doesn't matter as long as the man is well educated and can provide for a future family.

 

[hopeful]

Ooooh please don't dump him, he sounds like a catch to me . Does he have a good credit score? Is he good with the money he does make? If you answered yes to those questions then I think you will be fine. Oftentimes the super successful/focussed guys are not sweet like this guy you just described. I think you will have a hard time finding a guy with this guy's qualities, who makes a very large salary, and is still available. It is nice to build and grow together.

 

[lexi08]

Ooooh please don't dump him, he sounds like a catch to me . Does he have a good credit score? Is he good with the money he does make? If you answered yes to those questions then I think you will be fine. Oftentimes the super successful/focussed guys are not sweet like this guy you just described. I think you will have a hard time finding a guy with this guy's qualities, who makes a very large salary, and is still available. It is nice to build and grow together.

I am beginning to believe this concerning men that earn high salaries

 

[angenoir]

I agree with the other ladies. It sounds like you really like him and he sounds like a real catch.
If he is hardworking and determined to be a good provider then I am sure he will better his earnings with time.

As another poster said - it is nice to build and grow together.

 

[Ms Red]

Thank you for your advice and the food for thought.

It sounds like you really like him.

Dont miss out on someone good because he is not yet where you want him to be.
When i met my now DH, he on the equivalent of $46K, which is not a lot for London living. We Dated for four years before getting married and were on a tight budget for most of the first two, but now he is on double what he was making then....and still has the potential to make more.

So far as your guy is a hard worker, that is taking all the steps necessary to make more, don't worry yourself about his money, it will come.

 

[Ms Red]

27.........

How old is he?

 

[Ms Red]

He worked for the Grizzlies in Memphis and then moved to Houston (where I'm at) to work for the Comets. The team folded in November and he got another job within a few weeks. While he's been there, he has interviewed with the Texans but didn't get it (high end sales). So while he's deciding if sports management is for him, he's in a job making less money.

ITA with your last paragraph

What is he specifically doing to get that promotion and is advancement in his field realistic and what's the average timetable. Given that he's 2 years younger it's reasonable that he's not as far along in his career as you are yours.

Personally, I will date and actively pursue a committed relationship with a man who makes less than I do as long as he is working an actionable plan to advance his education/career goals. For example, right now I make more than the average first year medical resident. However, I know that that particular career field has huge upside potential in the future.
Now if a man making more than you is important to you then you also might have to eliminate certain careers because regardless of educational level they aren't well paid (i.e. teachers, social workers, some non-profit). For me, it doesn't matter as long as the man is well educated and can provide for a future family.

 

[Ms Red]

That's what my mom tells me lol... he does have a good score I think and he is a good steward with his money. We both have lofty goals (personal and financial) and he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Thanks hopeful.

Ooooh please don't dump him, he sounds like a catch to me . Does he have a good credit score? Is he good with the money he does make? If you answered yes to those questions then I think you will be fine. Oftentimes the super successful/focussed guys are not sweet like this guy you just described. I think you will have a hard time finding a guy with this guy's qualities, who makes a very large salary, and is still available. It is nice to build and grow together.

 

[hopeful]

I am beginning to believe this concerning men that earn high salaries

Not saying it's always true but I have seen this time and again through the years. Really sweet guy but not as focussed and ambitious (as the wife hopes/hoped) or super focussed/ambitious but missing something as far as being connected emotionally etc. IDK whyerplexed.

That's what my mom tells me lol... he does have a good score I think and he is a good steward with his money. We both have lofty goals (personal and financial) and he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Thanks hopeful.

You're welcome. You give this guy a really good chance, he sounds like a sweetheart. I think you will be surprised at what the two of you can build together. And listen to your mom, they often do know best.

 

[LivingDol1]

i think if this guy meet your criteria in so many of those way but minus the $$, it's not a big deal.

as long as he lives in his own and can pay for himself, i think it's fine. it's not like he's a freeloader or anything... right? he's independent.

i've only dated men who made less than i did or the same as me, and they were always a few years older than me... only one of them had an issue with it. i think as long as a man is confident and doesn't get jealous or weird about it... there should be no problem. you should give him a real chance!

Dilemma I'm facing, and some of you might be as well...

I'm marriage-minded, at the age where I want to get married and eventually start a family. With that said, I have cleared out my little black book of potentials: Strip-club fanatics? Gone. Living with mama? Gone. Out of school but has no car, no place to live? Gone. Emotially unavailable jerks making decent money but scared of commitment? Gone.

Okay, so that left me with a couple of choices. I met a physician last year at a networking dinner and we exchanged information. We did the back and forth e-mail thing and met up a few times after that. Soon, I found that the guy was so self-absorbed in his own life (e.g. always on a work-related trip and made no time for me)... I barely got a word (or well-planned date, due to his ER schedule) in... over the course of 3+ months. Never showed up on time, never called to say he's running late. Basically it was the M.D. show and I was the audience.

Finally I meet a guy who has no problem showering me (but Not smothering me!) with attention and affection. Introduces me to the whole family, meets mine. Actually God-fearing and not because it sounds good on a dating profile... someone with whom I connect, can really talk to (like a teammate) and see something meaningful with. He's marriage-minded, too. Except... where is the money??? Lives on his own, own car, etc. But I out-earn him. He's still in the stages of figuring out which career path to choose while I'm ready for marriage. Now, I was pretty specific in my prayers but come on! Is dating this unfair? I feel like I'm back at square one and now I understand why some are unmarried at 35+

He is actively working to get promoted, get more money, etc. He's where I was about 4 yrs. ago (I'm almost 2 yrs. older). The good definitely outweighs the bad, but I want to get serious with someone who is on solid financial footing. I'm not bailing just yet but I know I'm not alone... It's frustrating. I feel like 'how long will I wait?'

Are you holding out for the whole package? Or have you been here before?

 

[glam-]

I am beginning to believe this concerning men that earn high salaries

Not saying it's always true but I have seen this time and again through the years. Really sweet guy but not as focussed and ambitious (as the wife hopes/hoped) or super focussed/ambitious but missing something as far as being connected emotionally etc. IDK whyerplexed.
.

I have seen this so many times in my own life, too. Yes, the focused/ambitious/high-earner guy is into you, but he is so focused on his career that he doesn't have/make enough time for the relationship. Eventually, I decided that if I wanted to be in a serious relationship leading to marriage sometime before he achieved his goals, that I couldn't continue to take a backseat to his dreams (that sounds harsh )

Now I'm dating the sweet, but not as ambitious guy, and it can be frustrating at times when I wish he would handle things differently, but at least I feel like I have his heart. Plus, when the guy is serious about the relationship and thinking about the future, having you in his life may help him step it up.

OP, the guy you're dating is only 27- a lot of guys are not completely together yet at that age, so I'd give him a chance.

 

[madamdot]

I have seen this so many times in my own life, too. Yes, the focused/ambitious/high-earner guy is into you, but he is so focused on his career that he doesn't have/make enough time for the relationship. Eventually, I decided that if I wanted to be in a serious relationship leading to marriage sometime before he achieved his goals, that I couldn't continue to take a backseat to his dreams (that sounds harsh )

Now I'm dating the sweet, but not as ambitious guy, and it can be frustrating at times when I wish he would handle things differently, but at least I feel like I have his heart. Plus, when the guy is serious about the relationship and thinking about the future, having you in his life may help him step it up.

OP, the guy you're dating is only 27- a lot of guys are not completely together yet at that age, so I'd give him a chance.

Or worse, the rich guy is into you, get married, you have his babies and he dumps you for the nearest younger blond. I see this happening right now I feel so bad for the wife . . . no excuse, the wife is gorgeous, just a little older and rounder (not fat!), but beautiful.

Morals and compatible intangible goals should come before money.

Here is a great question and please be brutally honest: if you marry someone who is poor or even doing well and you both win the lottery, would he leave you for "a better model?"

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

It's difficult, this money issue and finding a good man. More difficult to find one that has both. That's probably why I would like to make my own...not to support him, but to be set for myself. I dunno, the issues that matter to me (activism) , it's going to be diff. to find Mr. Right with lots of money in the circles I'm running in.

 

[princessnad]

Are you ok if he never makes more money? If you are, given his other good qualities then you are fine. If not,I think you should ask him about his timeline and if you see his goals being materialized within the time period, then you've found a good one. If not, he could be one of those guys who claim ambition yet it never happens.

 

[Bunny77]

27.........

He worked for the Grizzlies in Memphis and then moved to Houston (where I'm at) to work for the Comets. The team folded in November and he got another job within a few weeks. While he's been there, he has interviewed with the Texans but didn't get it (high end sales). So while he's deciding if sports management is for him, he's in a job making less money.

ITA with your last paragraph

Thanks for the responses.

At his age, I'd be understanding of his monetary situation, especially since it seems that he is ambitious and has a decent job history. One NBA team and a WNBA team (which happened to fold -- not his fault), and then he tried the NFL. Teams are folding left and right and the economy sucks, so these jobs are harder to come by.

Now, I guess I would just want to know that he has a concrete plan as to how he'll either continue in sports management or transition to this next field. I'd tell you to pass if he was 37-38 in transition, but 27 in transition is normal.

Another question though... is he marriage-minded? 27 is a good age to be thinking that, but I know some men don't want to consider marrying until they consider themselves to be in a stable job. Do your general timelines for marriage match up?

 

[Ms Red]

Nope, I'm not okay if his earning stay exactly as is.

I have both eyes WIDE open and agree with you.

Are you ok if he never makes more money? If you are, given his other good qualities then you are fine. If not,I think you should ask him about his timeline and if you see his goals being materialized within the time period, then you've found a good one. If not, he could be one of those guys who claim ambition yet it never happens.

 

[Ms Red]

He is marriage-minded but I don't see him actually walking down the aisle for another 2 years, minimum. I don't want to rush either but I have a definite timeframe. We have been dating for 7 months and I said I would give it a few more months (and prayers )... I get a good feeling but I'm not waiting around for 4-5 years. Good questions... thank you.

Thanks for the responses.

At his age, I'd be understanding of his monetary situation, especially since it seems that he is ambitious and has a decent job history. One NBA team and a WNBA team (which happened to fold -- not his fault), and then he tried the NFL. Teams are folding left and right and the economy sucks, so these jobs are harder to come by.

Now, I guess I would just want to know that he has a concrete plan as to how he'll either continue in sports management or transition to this next field. I'd tell you to pass if he was 37-38 in transition, but 27 in transition is normal.

Another question though... is he marriage-minded? 27 is a good age to be thinking that, but I know some men don't want to consider marrying until they consider themselves to be in a stable job. Do your general timelines for marriage match up?

 

[Xerxes]

He worked for the Grizzlies in Memphis and then moved to Houston (where I'm at) to work for the Comets. The team folded in November and he got another job within a few weeks. While he's been there, he has interviewed with the Texans but didn't get it (high end sales). So while he's deciding if sports management is for him, he's in a job making less money.

ITA with your last paragraph

Hmm, I am sort of like you and am holding out for the best guy I can get. LOL

I have no problems with the earning potential of my guys, but the one guy who treats me the absolute best, I am not physically/emotionally attracted to at all. He's not ugly, but just different (doesn't wear deodorant despite the fact it's like 100 degrees, really health-conscious, everything must be raw or organic, he practices some African religion and speaks about "forces," etc) and although I love hanging out with him and talking to him, I can't get myself to consider him as a real boyfriend. I have been blunt about dating other guys (including one of his friends) and how I could never adopt or entertain his lifestyle and how poorly matched we are as a couple. Even though I told him all of this, I still hang out with him because he's one of the 4 real friends I have out here, but this has allowed him to mention not so subtly that he's buying a house and looking to get married and how great a wife I would make.

How do you tell a man to use some deodorant???

Anywho, guys are plentiful down here in Houston, so all you have to do is hold out some more. Or we could swap guys. I'm only 1 year older than your guy and my guy is about 8 years older than me and will be bringing in 6 figures, so he might be able to make you happy.

 

[Ms Red]

LOL!! There are lots of 'us' out here, I believe.... just wanting the best and willing to give the best...

To the bolded... nope, I'm good, I wouldn't trade my guy in for nothin' (at least that's how I feel today)

Hmm, I am sort of like you and am holding out for the best guy I can get. LOL

I have no problems with the earning potential of my guys, but the one guy who treats me the absolute best, I am not physically/emotionally attracted to at all. He's not ugly, but just different (doesn't wear deodorant despite the fact it's like 100 degrees, really health-conscious, everything must be raw or organic, he practices some African religion and speaks about "forces," etc) and although I love hanging out with him and talking to him, I can't get myself to consider him as a real boyfriend. I have been blunt about dating other guys (including one of his friends) and how I could never adopt or entertain his lifestyle and how poorly matched we are as a couple. Even though I told him all of this, I still hang out with him because he's one of the 4 real friends I have out here, but this has allowed him to mention not so subtly that he's buying a house and looking to get married and how great a wife I would make.

How do you tell a man to use some deodorant???

Anywho, guys are plentiful down here in Houston, so all you have to do is hold out some more. Or we could swap guys. I'm only 1 year older than your guy and my guy is about 8 years older than me and will be bringing in 6 figures, so he might be able to make you happy.

 

[madamdot]

Nope, I'm not okay if his earning stay exactly as is.

I have both eyes WIDE open and agree with you.

Yea sound like it will be an issue . . .then you might want to move on. Nothing wrong with that. Money is one of the top reasons people divorce and struggling gets old real quick.

 

[kayte]

nope, I'm good, I wouldn't trade my guy in for nothin'

that's your answer!! lol

27 is relatively young...is still within the prime wealth building foundation stage
you're dating ..you see two more years before he's readyto propose anyways...
say,age 30,this probably won't be in question

but speculation is just that...

if it seems serious.. at the opportune time...if he's talking serious commitment talk...
talk openly what his financial goals are for a family and what are his plans to actualize them ....see if they make sense....and let him know ..what you envsion for you in a marriage relationship and expect from a husband...
Even a pre-maritial..sit down with a financial planner..can take the guess work out of a guesstimate
...see he if follows through...