Are Black AMr women afraid or shamed into not liking/dating other races/cultures?

[Lucia]

I wonder ladies cause I keep seeing threads where women say their not into other races but lament on how bad and dogged out they've been by their own, so if that's the cas why not try something new-pun intended. I mean would you dismiss a hottie just cause he was of another race or culture?
Maybe I'm naive but isn't it better to have love, respect, passion, attraction instead of being all hung up on color/race/culture? Should a woman really be waiting on "the ultimate black brother" when he's dating Suzy and not giving black women a 2nd thought, shouldn't you find love where you can regardless?
Not to get back at brothers for dating outside, but just to be open to love in whatever a a man comes in. Your family, freinds, and church group are not the ones who have to live with your choice, you do, so why do women give others so much power over their own lives? Like Bon Jovi said "it's my life" and we should all live it how we see fit.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

I think this might be the case. Lol....

 

[awhyley]

As sad as this is, I feel a part of it is lack of esteem, because if you're being rejected (or passed over) by your own, who else will find you attractive and lovable? I am sick of bm criticising the hair, the skin color and even the personalities of black women. Anyway, it's their loss.

 

[FluffyRed]

I think OP is right on one hand, we do have social pressure not to "date out," but I don't have any friends IRL who are married to white males, so the idea that "they'll date you but not marry you" is persistent.

And I realize that, as black females, we stand in our own way on this at times. But if you don't ever see it, it's easy to believe dating them won't end in marriage, or the parents would hate you and or your kids.

That would stop me from wanting to date them. Online "friends" have truly opened my eyes/mind on this subject.

 

[PerplexingComplex]

I believe so (glad my mommy didn't raise me like that ).

My friends always use the same line, "As much as I can't stand/they mess up/they do me dirty/etc. Black men are the best thing in the world." Honestly, for some of them it has to do with the whole black men are the only one's with big......

That's just all around a weird outlook on life to me. I can't limit myself to one race/color/ethnicity of males. Yet, I'm always being told I'm color struck. It seems, when it comes to black people, if you're dating a different race then that means that you're automatically excluding your own. erplexed

 

[Lucia]

I think this might be the case. Lol...

Yeah why is it so the norm for men and not women, and I do see more blk amr. women embracing other race/cultured guys and I'm not just talking white amr guys either I mean any other (European, Latin, Carribean, African, Indian, Arab, Asian) guy too even if he's brown/black he's got a diff background/culture and I see more of that being embraced and accepted.

As sad as this is, I feel a part of it is lack of esteem, because if you're being rejected (or passed over) by your own, who else will find you attractive and lovable? I am sick of bm criticising the hair, the skin color and even the personalities of black women. Anyway, it's their loss.

One mans trash, is another mans treasure.
Seriously you hit a great point, but coming from a diff perpective I don't see this problem with Europeans, Africans, Caribbeans, Latins, so much they don't have a problem dating and marrying outside their culture/race and I think it is a confidence thing, we are told and convinced of our beauty from day 1. so I can see how that can affect someone but, in general we as women should not be looking to men or and less even blk amr. men to confirm/validate or praise blk amr. women's beauty, blk amr. women need to do that themselves IMO.

I think OP is right on one hand, we do have social pressure not to "date out," but I don't have any friends IRL who are married to white males, so the idea that "they'll date you but not marry you" is persistent.

And I realize that, as black females, we stand in our own way on this at times. But if you don't ever see it, it's easy to believe dating them won't end in marriage, or the parents would hate you and or your kids.

That would stop me from wanting to date them. Online "friends" have truly opened my eyes/mind on this subject.

About the bolded: Just cause you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, it existed all over the world way back in the 1500's in the carribean and latin amr Euro's were marring the afro-indonatives. and as long as women think that they're not worthy of marriage, they won't be-it's that simple.
Indian and Arab women are shamed for dating "outside" too, it's usually not accepted. White is not the only option but let's say he's the one who's into you, would you really turn down someone who cares about you for a brother who dogs you out just cause he's black and you're black, it seems like a ginormous waste of life. Hey I'm not saying they're aren't good blk amr brothers out there I know there are, I've met some, but the truth is not every single last one of them are interested in there own blk amr sisters (doesn't mean they all dislike their sisters either sometimes it's just preference) men seem to be more open to keeping their options open more than women in general and women should accept that fact and move on. Everyday same race/culture men are dogging out their own women, it's not right but it happens, I've heard stories from African women too, some of them stay and take it, and complain but some of them move on to diff. scenery. I bet that when blk amr men start seeing their own sistas being treated right, daitng, and married by white and/or other race/cultured guys they'll finally start stepping up to their own. JMO.

I believe so (glad my mommy didn't raise me like that ).

My friends always use the same line, "As much as I can't stand/they mess up/they do me dirty/etc. Black men are the best thing in the world." Honestly, for some of them it has to do with the whole black men are the only one's with big......

That's just all around a weird outlook on life to me. I can't limit myself to one race/color/ethnicity of males. Yet, I'm always being told I'm color struck. It seems, when it comes to black people, if you're dating a different race then that means that you're automatically excluding your own.

About the bold/underlined, I don't think black or african men have the exclusivity on big stick. About the bolded, men live their lives a little selfishly it's all about them, so why shouldn't a woman's life be all about her too, hey your the one who has to live with your life choices, not your mamma, not your sisters, or the whoever your worried will think X about you, and especially not those loser guys who will say something or even see you only after your with another race/cultured guy. etc...
Well it's like if blk amr men aren't working for you but they work for your sisters and cousins hey, great for them, not so great for you and you need to free your mind like Morpheus said, and keep those other options open, cause being closed off, might keep you alone. In LOA you learn that to get what ou want you have to be open to how it whatever it is will come to you, that means you can't limit, or control the how or why.

 

[blue_flower]

That's easier said than done.

 

[Blossssom]

As sad as this is, I feel a part of it is lack of esteem, because if you're being rejected (or passed over) by your own, who else will find you attractive and lovable? I am sick of bm criticising the hair, the skin color and even the personalities of black women. Anyway, it's their loss.

Hey, online, an Asian man said it best!

When a man of a particular race doesn't want his "own" woman, other race men don't either, especially if that race man DOGS out the woman PUBLICLY!

However... there is always the flip side to the coin.

Number one, a man that is secure within himself will "step to you" if finds you attractive, REGARDLESS of what the media tells him to be attracted to; who his parents tell him to be attracted to; his friends; and everybody else! SOCIETY! You need to find a REAL man! A man who THINKS FOR HIMSELF!

Look into finding a man that actually knows how to present and represent. Many men lack those SIMPLE skills!

I see them all the time! I can bat my eyes; speak first; and men just act scared of hot a$$ women!

You gotta meet they a$$es in a bar or a club or somewhere for them to "approach" and, honestly, I don't have time for all that! And you know they DRUNK! Liquid courage, they call it! I don't need a man who can only "step" if he's intoxicated! LOL!

If I give you the "signal" aka the GREEN LIGHT, you should be secure enough to step on the gas pedal!

I'm not going out of my way to approach you! That's yo' job, knigggga!

GREEN LIGHT! HELLO!

Anyway, that was a small rant, but forget losers! Black, white, toad-colored... whatever.

 

[skatergurljubulee]

I tend to agree.
Me, well, I dated lots of black men, and they were all good men, but I really connected with hubby. I like what my mother says (and by extension my late father):
"I didn't raise you guys to think about your blackness. Sometimes we as AAs only see the world as it pertains to our blackness. It isn't that serious. I raised you all to be not conscious of your race so that you can walk into a room and not look for another black folk, or feel inferior because of your race. I did this so that you could be YOU, not black, THEN you."
MLK wanted us to be judged for us, and I guess that's how moms wanted us to be raised.
So, when I dated all under the rainbow, it never occured to me that I couldn't have them/wasn't good enough because I was black (I'm not saying we're taught that automatically as children or anything, just circumstances can shape you, if the circumstance is persistant enough and we're not necessarily taught diff). If there was a problem, it was either them, us, or me as a individual- not because I was black, or he white, asian, hispanic, etc.
I did have to put myself out there though. Ya know? There is love out there, and if you're open to it and you don't come in expecting the perfect man (he doesn't exist- and we as females are hardly perfect), you can get it.
If I'd listened to the random people that walked up on me on the street after seeing DH and I together (coming to "lay some knowledge" because I'm a sweet girl and I obviously don't know that all white men only use black women as toys), I'd be just as unhappy as they seem to be.
We as black women DESERVE to be loved- no matter how many men (no matter what the race) tell us otherwise. If you come at dating life with positive expectations and you don't limit yourself or let the naysayers and haters come out of their negative corners, you will have happiness.
Like OP said, when it comes down to it, if HE makes you happy, what does what other people say matter? He adores you, you adore him. He treats you like a dream and your heart swells with the mention of his name. You can't see your self with any other person (even when you fight there's that underlining love) through the good or the bad- and he feels the same way.
You have family and friends (or walkerbys) that tell you that he will leave you or some other nonsense when with every action, every utterance of love you know otherwise?

Those people don't know what they're talking about. They want you to feel shamed (if their comments are mean-spirited) because you're doing something that they want to do, but don't have the courage.
You're doing (or will be doing) something that is telling them their preconceived ideas are false.
You can find love with a man, no matter his color.
That you don't feel the need to put up with crappy men just for race sake (this applies to all colors, BTW).
That, if you choose, you can look elsewhere.

Okay, I'll shut up.

 

[kbody4]

I tend to agree.
Me, well, I dated lots of black men, and they were all good men, but I really connected with hubby. I like what my mother says (and by extension my late father):
"I didn't raise you guys to think about your blackness. Sometimes we as AAs only see the world as it pertains to our blackness. It isn't that serious. I raised you all to be not conscious of your race so that you can walk into a room and not look for another black folk, or feel inferior because of your race. I did this so that you could be YOU, not black, THEN you."
MLK wanted us to be judged for us, and I guess that's how moms wanted us to be raised.
So, when I dated all under the rainbow, it never occured to me that I couldn't have them/wasn't good enough because I was black (I'm not saying we're taught that automatically as children or anything, just circumstances can shape you, if the circumstance is persistant enough and we're not necessarily taught diff). If there was a problem, it was either them, us, or me as a individual- not because I was black, or he white, asian, hispanic, etc.
I did have to put myself out there though. Ya know? There is love out there, and if you're open to it and you don't come in expecting the perfect man (he doesn't exist- and we as females are hardly perfect), you can get it.
If I'd listened to the random people that walked up on me on the street after seeing DH and I together (coming to "lay some knowledge" because I'm a sweet girl and I obviously don't know that all white men only use black women as toys), I'd be just as unhappy as they seem to be.
We as black women DESERVE to be loved- no matter how many men (no matter what the race) tell us otherwise. If you come at dating life with positive expectations and you don't limit yourself or let the naysayers and haters come out of their negative corners, you will have happiness.
Like OP said, when it comes down to it, if HE makes you happy, what does what other people say matter? He adores you, you adore him. He treats you like a dream and your heart swells with the mention of his name. You can't see your self with any other person (even when you fight there's that underlining love) through the good or the bad- and he feels the same way.
You have family and friends (or walkerbys) that tell you that he will leave you or some other nonsense when with every action, every utterance of love you know otherwise?

Those people don't know what they're talking about. They want you to feel shamed (if their comments are mean-spirited) because you're doing something that they want to do, but don't have the courage.
You're doing (or will be doing) something that is telling them their preconceived ideas are false.
You can find love with a man, no matter his color.
That you don't feel the need to put up with crappy men just for race sake (this applies to all colors, BTW).
That, if you choose, you can look elsewhere.

Okay, I'll shut up.

I want to thank you for this post. I struggled with worrying about what my family and friends would think for dating outside of my race, and this just confirmed that I had to change my outlook on love and relationships.

 

[LivingDol1]

However... there is always the flip side to the coin.

Number one, a man that is secure within himself will "step to you" if finds you attractive, REGARDLESS of what the media tells him to be attracted to; who his parents tell him to be attracted to; his friends; and everybody else! SOCIETY! You need to find a REAL man! A man who THINKS FOR HIMSELF!

Look into finding a man that actually knows how to present and represent. Many men lack those SIMPLE skills!

that's the guy that i'm waiting for. lol. they are far and few between, sadly.

when i read this thread, i think of my mom. she never met anyone decent when she was younger. the black men she dated didn't have an education as high as hers (masters) and hadn't traveled to all of the places she had been to. they thought she was too sophisticated for them. then she met my father, a man who thinks for himself and appreciated her for the person she was. i'd be lucky to meet someone nearly half as awesome as he is.

 

[Essensual]

subbing to come back later and share...

 

[msa]

I'm not afraid of nor shamed into not dating other races.

1) I prefer black men above any other. If I can't find one, then I'll just stay single. But, I'm sure there's at least one black man for me on God's green earth.

2) I want black children. Can't have that with a white man.

3) My adoptive family is white. I hear/see things that other people are not privy to. Because of certain experiences I've had with my family, there is no way that I will marry a white man.

 

[Magus484]

I'm not afraid of nor shamed into not dating other races.

1) I prefer black men above any other. If I can't find one, then I'll just stay single. But, I'm sure there's at least one black man for me on God's green earth.

2) I want black children. Can't have that with a white man.

3) My adoptive family is white. I hear/see things that other people are not privy to. Because of certain experiences I've had with my family, there is no way that I will marry a white man.

Care to elaborate?

 

[Lebiya]

As sad as this is, I feel a part of it is lack of esteem, because if you're being rejected (or passed over) by your own, who else will find you attractive and lovable? I am sick of bm criticising the hair, the skin color and even the personalities of black women. Anyway, it's their loss.

I truly wish they’d feel so and stop entertaining America by continuing the chase for these men!!

I’m just sooooooooooooooooooooo tired of all the talk shows, message-boards, news articles, radio coverage, gossip etc etc …broadcasting our torment over a bunch of fools who find black women repulsive - and our deep rooted hatred for white women because they “steal” our men. I’m soo sick of the media entertaining this **** and sick of black women tagging along. It makes black women look so desperate and unattractive as a whole.

Hey, if black women choose to sulk and cry over being single and lonely AND not try to exercise their options.. that’s their choice. We all have preference and choices.

BUT GODSAKE JUST PLEASE STAY AT HOME AND DO IT.

Please, Decline the media from interviewing your A$$ …it will only be used for entertaining purposes!!

 

[Lucia]

I truly wish they’d feel so and stop entertaining America by continuing the chase for these men!!

I’m just sooooooooooooooooooooo tired of all the talk shows, message-boards, news articles, radio coverage, gossip etc etc …broadcasting our torment over a bunch of fools who find black women repulsive - and our deep rooted hatred for white women because they “steal” our men. I’m soo sick of the media entertaining this **** and sick of black women tagging along. It makes black women look so desperate and unattractive as a whole.

Hey, if black women choose to sulk and cry over being single and lonely AND not try to exercise their options.. that’s their choice. We all have preference and choices.

BUT GODSAKE JUST PLEASE STAY AT HOME AND DO IT.

Please, Decline the media from interviewing your A$$ …it will only be used for entertaining purposes!!

Yes! ITA people just keep that negative message going on and on. If I had a dollar for every time I saw an article or email/blog saying: black women need to do this and that, they're not feminine that's why their losing their men to white women crap.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Life and this board has made me realize that I cannot limit myself to black men....
I would prefer to marry a Haitian man but I doubt this will happen. It just seems like black men are no longer interested in me...*shrugs* oh well.....

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Dating or marrying out should be for women who are attracted to all types of men and are comfortable with the challenges IR brings. Most black women are primarily into black men--and a woman should date/marry the type of man she feels comfortable with and is attracted to.

At the same time, I'm tired of hearing some women complain all day about how black men say they're not the right complexion, black men don't like their hair, black men around here only date out, the only black men around here are thugs, black men won't give them the time of day...etc

If you're only into black men, that's great! But if the ones around you aren't the right ones and it's causing stress and affecting your self esteem then you need to be content with waiting or find a different circle. If you're not into the idea of dating out, then work with the options you have in front of you instead of crying about being lonely, but rejecting the idea of looking beyond race.

Many black women have a problem with other black women dating out while they are sitting around lonely. Is there some anger at the sister who opened her options and it worked to her advantage? Stop making the rest of us feel guilty for opening our options. For some of us, like myself, black men are our first choice but we'll give any man a chance if he's the right one. If black men can explore the rainbow, so can we.

 

[Much2much41]

I'm not afraid or ashamed. I basically just don't like men of other races. I feel as if my whole being aligns with black men. I sometimes find men of another races to be handsome, but I can't imagine spending my life w/any of them, or at least I haven't come across one yet. If I did, I would date and marry him.

 

[awhyley]

2) I want black children. Can't have that with a white man.

Er, if you're black, chances are your kids will be too.

 

[that_1_grrrl]

I grew up with so many races, ethnicities, and nationalities, and I love everybody. I am mostly equal opportunity when it comes to love. Wouldn't date/marry a White man though. I would prefer to date/marry another Latino of any race (Negro, indio, mestizo, chino - don't care).