Odontyouwish
New Member
Ahhhhh, so much drama
Last edited:
And it ended as fast as it began...
- Thread starter Odontyouwish
- Start date
A couple of things: you kept the door open for the other fellas, and it had nothing to do with what Carl was and was not doing - it was your choice. In other words, I'm saying accept FULLY responsibility for your choices...don't make excuses for it. Tit for tat isn't going to get you anywhere. Because at that point, you're no longer listening to each other, you're just defending yourself.
Here's a question: when lying to him (and yourself) about the nature of your relationships with other people, who are you trying to protect? Him or you??
My suggestion: put it out there. Let him know you want to be with him and try and make it work, but that in order for that happen, you both need to take some time apart and figure out what it is what you want. Take a month or two and refocus.
And if you're able to reconcile and give it another go, honesty is always the best policy. He's a grown arse man...give him the truth and let him decide what he can and can not handle.
ETA: On a high level, I'm in a similar situation...
Here's a question: when lying to him (and yourself) about the nature of your relationships with other people, who are you trying to protect? Him or you??
My suggestion: put it out there. Let him know you want to be with him and try and make it work, but that in order for that happen, you both need to take some time apart and figure out what it is what you want. Take a month or two and refocus.
And if you're able to reconcile and give it another go, honesty is always the best policy. He's a grown arse man...give him the truth and let him decide what he can and can not handle.
ETA: On a high level, I'm in a similar situation...
Odontyouwish
New Member
I accepted it and I apologized and tried to make up for it...but he hasn't regained trust or even attempted. It's like his lack of trust has gotten worse.
bermudabeauty
New Member
I know love is a powerful thing. But I know once a person dosen't trust you...it's usually a wrap! You will always be defending yourself, always apologizing for old ish, and trying to make it all up to him. He will always have it in the back of his mind you are up to no good. and the fact that he was cold to you and not care about your tears suggests to me he dosen't really give a *&*^ about your feelings. That bothers me. He might be out doing the same dirt and putting you through these emotions because of payback...he might even be seeing someone else. Hope it works out for you.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
IMO, you didn't do anything wrong.
You weren't wrong to keep seeing other guys since you guys weren't official.
Obviously, you told him about kissing your ex because you wanted to be honest, and it ended up biting you in the ***.
Personally, I would have been done with him after he had his friend hack my Facebook account.
Not only did he not trust you, he also sounds controlling and jealous.
You dodged a bullet. Consider yourself lucky.
You weren't wrong to keep seeing other guys since you guys weren't official.
Obviously, you told him about kissing your ex because you wanted to be honest, and it ended up biting you in the ***.
Personally, I would have been done with him after he had his friend hack my Facebook account.
Not only did he not trust you, he also sounds controlling and jealous.
You dodged a bullet. Consider yourself lucky.
Studio_gal
Well-Known Member
He sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive.
I'm a firm believer that relationships should make you feel good.
All that drama he's creating - is just to keep you confused and constantly thinking about him.
Don't let anyone steal your joy.
(((hugs to you)))
I'm a firm believer that relationships should make you feel good.
All that drama he's creating - is just to keep you confused and constantly thinking about him.
Don't let anyone steal your joy.
(((hugs to you)))
silverlotus
Well-Known Member
Exactly, this dude sounds psycho!! He wants you to cut off ALL your male friends, you can't have a social life, and he's reading all kinds on nonsense into little actions... not to mention he's keeping track of you from out of state?! These are all big flaming red flags.
You're in college right? I suggest you forget him & that trip on Friday... join a couple clubs & continue socializing & having fun like you were doing before this dude came into the picture.
MissLawyerLady
New Member
Wow, his behavior- the accusations of cheating, emotional outburst, contolling demeanor- reminds me a lot of one of my college boyfriends...the one who liked to hit me.
He hit me 2 separate times and I thought well I'll just hit him back and it will be even. The third and last time he hit me he gave me a bloody nose. I got out then- it shouldn't have taken a bloody nose for me to go-I knew he was going to hurt me and had problems bigger than my "love" could fix.
I'm not saying your man will hit you, but just be very careful about a possessive and controlling man.
He hit me 2 separate times and I thought well I'll just hit him back and it will be even. The third and last time he hit me he gave me a bloody nose. I got out then- it shouldn't have taken a bloody nose for me to go-I knew he was going to hurt me and had problems bigger than my "love" could fix.
I'm not saying your man will hit you, but just be very careful about a possessive and controlling man.
ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
I've taken the time out to read your post in its entirety. First, I am older than you, so I will take this from a perspective as if you were my daughter (my daughter is 18 and in college). He's playing on your emotions. You are not married to him nor do you owe him any obligations. And as for the ring....it means nothing when he gave it to you. It's a sign of control and he feels that as long as you have that ring, you are his property, thus, he can question you and whatever he feels.
First of all, you shouldn't feel sad. Second of all, if you don't leave him alone I see some things that are not cool....if you continue to deal with him, he'll start hitting on you. The signs are there and I can see it from here. The first sign of abuse is the ridiculous accusations, jealousy rages, the controlling manners, etc. You show a sign of weakness and start crying. This is what abused men feed off of. He clearly states it when he told you it doesn't even phase him. He gets off on that. Your weakness, just like animals do. They weaken their prey before they devour them.
The next thing he'll do is start grabbing/hitting on you, if he hasn't done so already. This is NOT a healthy relationship. You are in college to get an education, not to entertain his bullshyt. Not saying you can't have a social life, but this is trouble. Soon, your grades will fall, etc. Take that ring off your finger and be done with it because it's a wrap.
Just think how your father or your brothers would feel if they knew this ******* was mistreating their sister/daughter? If you were my daughter, trust and believe, you wouldn't have any more problems out of him.
Bottom line, leave him alone because he means you no good. Sorry if this is long, but I care.... I hate to see women taken advantage of. From the sounds of your post, you are a smart woman. Get strong and get rid of him. Let someone in your family know what is going on just in case...
First of all, you shouldn't feel sad. Second of all, if you don't leave him alone I see some things that are not cool....if you continue to deal with him, he'll start hitting on you. The signs are there and I can see it from here. The first sign of abuse is the ridiculous accusations, jealousy rages, the controlling manners, etc. You show a sign of weakness and start crying. This is what abused men feed off of. He clearly states it when he told you it doesn't even phase him. He gets off on that. Your weakness, just like animals do. They weaken their prey before they devour them.
The next thing he'll do is start grabbing/hitting on you, if he hasn't done so already. This is NOT a healthy relationship. You are in college to get an education, not to entertain his bullshyt. Not saying you can't have a social life, but this is trouble. Soon, your grades will fall, etc. Take that ring off your finger and be done with it because it's a wrap.
Just think how your father or your brothers would feel if they knew this ******* was mistreating their sister/daughter? If you were my daughter, trust and believe, you wouldn't have any more problems out of him.
Bottom line, leave him alone because he means you no good. Sorry if this is long, but I care.... I hate to see women taken advantage of. From the sounds of your post, you are a smart woman. Get strong and get rid of him. Let someone in your family know what is going on just in case...
vkb247
Well-Known Member
And insecure....unless these is more to the story.
Do you feel that you were less than honest or mislead him?
Maybe you like to be flirtatious (nothing wrong with that) and you
1) Either have a man that can't get down like that or
2) Are not just straight up admitting to being a flirt so he thinks that you are tricky
alwayzalady22
New Member
ITA with the bolded, in theory.... my question is, if you're talking to multiple dudes, do you ever let them know that they're not the only one? what happens when you do decide to be serious with one? do you then tell the one you're serious about about the others? or do you just tell the others about the one you're serious with and leave it to them how they want to proceed?
i'm genuinely confused, and if you can't tell already, i've never been in said situation
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
ITA with the bolded, in theory.... my question is, if you're talking to multiple dudes, do you ever let them know that they're not the only one? what happens when you do decide to be serious with one? do you then tell the one you're serious about about the others? or do you just tell the others about the one you're serious with and leave it to them how they want to proceed?
i'm genuinely confused, and if you can't tell already, i've never been in said situation
I've never been in the situation either, because I can barely find one guy to date, let alone 2 or 3.
But I wouldn't necessarily tell them anything unless they asked. If they did, I'd be honest. If I got serious with one, I'd let the other know that we have to end things.
I've been in this game long enough now to know the importance of not putting all your eggs in one basket.
alwayzalady22
New Member
I've never been in the situation either, because I can barely find one guy to date, let alone 2 or 3.
But I wouldn't necessarily tell them anything unless they asked. If they did, I'd be honest. If I got serious with one, I'd let the other know that we have to end things.
I've been in this game long enough now to know the importance of not putting all your eggs in one basket.
are we sisters?
so what if you're talkin to a guy and he asks if you're seeing anybody else, but you aren't... then a few days later, you welcome a new prospect into the fold.
do you have to tell the first guy that you're now talkin' to another guy?
Bunny77
New Member
ITA with the bolded, in theory.... my question is, if you're talking to multiple dudes, do you ever let them know that they're not the only one? what happens when you do decide to be serious with one? do you then tell the one you're serious about about the others? or do you just tell the others about the one you're serious with and leave it to them how they want to proceed?
i'm genuinely confused, and if you can't tell already, i've never been in said situation
I don't tell any man about the presence of other men. Until we have both agreed to exclusivity, I am a free agent and owe you nothing. I assume the same of men... this is one reason why I say folks need to wait before jumping in bed when nothing has been established, because you will feel real crunchy if you know you slept with dude and the next night, he's sleeping with someone else. Cause if you're mad about it, you can't say a darn thing because you have no commitment to each other.
Anyway, if there is a commitment to exclusivity, and we become boyfriend and girlfriend, then I will stop dating the other men, BUT what I did (or didn't do) with them beforehand is none of his business.
Bunny77
New Member
are we sisters?
so what if you're talkin to a guy and he asks if you're seeing anybody else, but you aren't... then a few days later, you welcome a new prospect into the fold.
No you don't.
My answer would be...
"Until I am in an exclusive relationship with someone, I will remain open to dating whomever I'm interested in."
alwayzalady22
New Member
good ol' bunny, right on time!
that is really good advice.... advice i plan on putting to good use right... about...now!
Bunny77
New Member
good ol' bunny, right on time!
that is really good advice.... advice i plan on putting to good use right... about...now!
Alright!!!
By the way, I never was able to date multiple people either until like, last month. I'm talking to a few guys right now... no one is serious yet, there's no sex in any of these situations... I'm just sitting back and watching to see who might emerge from the pack.
It's kinda like dating Royal Rumble. They're all battling right now (although they don't know it), and some are throwing the others out of the ring. New people can enter the ring at any time. Whoever's left in the end wins... ME!
Odontyouwish
New Member
Yeah, I stopped talking to the other guys when we became exclusive. The other guys were just people I was hanging out with...not sexually involved.
I felt that I did lead him in the sense that I didn't tell him that they were my exes and he had to find out via FaceBook hacking. But I WAS NOT seeing them, and they knew about my relationship.
Also, I didn't take Carl seriously at first because I know how college guys are. I think they are all about games....so yeah I kinda was laid back about the fact that I had a bf. But I didn't see other.
One time I did go to a comedy show with my homegirl & one of m exes, but we arrived and left separately...we didn't hug or anything. He was just a guy...never had been with him sexually.
*new news*
I went to the gym to left off some steam. He called and was like "are u seriously in the gym? you don't care about my feelings. im going to give your ticket to my brother"
I felt that I did lead him in the sense that I didn't tell him that they were my exes and he had to find out via FaceBook hacking. But I WAS NOT seeing them, and they knew about my relationship.
Also, I didn't take Carl seriously at first because I know how college guys are. I think they are all about games....so yeah I kinda was laid back about the fact that I had a bf. But I didn't see other.
One time I did go to a comedy show with my homegirl & one of m exes, but we arrived and left separately...we didn't hug or anything. He was just a guy...never had been with him sexually.
*new news*
I went to the gym to left off some steam. He called and was like "are u seriously in the gym? you don't care about my feelings. im going to give your ticket to my brother"
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Hey lady! I agree 100%
I've been burned too many times as a result of keeping only one guy in the rotation.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
He is a friggin psycho.
Please leave his *** alone. Change your number if you have to.
Odontyouwish
New Member
exactly...so I was talking to other guys. plus i didn't think he was going to start flying here and whatnot.
Bunny77
New Member
How old is he? 12? That sounds so immature or b---a---y.
Odontyouwish
New Member
He's actually in graduate school. I typically date older guys...just never like this...
Odontyouwish
New Member
When we are together and the conversation isn't about trust...things are great.
He takes my little brother places.
My family (who hates everyone) loves him.
He is always there to listen to my issues.
I feel like when I was acting nonchalant about our relationship...I hurt him pretty bad.
He has introduced me to his entire family.
That's why I thought it was maturing.
He takes my little brother places.
My family (who hates everyone) loves him.
He is always there to listen to my issues.
I feel like when I was acting nonchalant about our relationship...I hurt him pretty bad.
He has introduced me to his entire family.
That's why I thought it was maturing.
Bunny77
New Member
Hey hey!
You know, people always told me to date more than one guy, but I could never find more than one! And sometimes, that happens, but in those cases, I think it's best to keep it light for a little bit with the lone prospect so you don't get in too deep, ya know?
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Exactly!
That's my problem. It's hard to me to not put in 100% when I'm feeling someone.
But I've learned that everybody doesn't deserve 100% of you.
He's a little b****. Please don't pick up his calls, just ignore him...He's feigning for attention, he needs some control, don't be the one to give it 2 him, please.
Odontyouwish
New Member
lol wow dang
bestblackgirl
Active Member
umm sweetie, I just went through the SAME thing you went through for hmm 11 months. As much as you are trying to make him happy, he wont be satisfy. You will be emotionally exhausted to the point where you wont be doing good in school. I'm in school just like you, wanted to try to be as involve as i was freshman year. He wont believe you. Just let it go. I did and I feel a lot better, I am happy and stress-free even though i think about him sometimes. I dont even want to go through it again. Let him go and he'll realize he's overreacting and he'll be sorry and want to take you back.
He has a trust issue he needs to fix.
Shoot my ex. can hack into my computer, read my emails and reroute them. He can get into my phone and read all my text msgs, hear all my phone conversations etc.. It scared me. So it's not like he really doesnt know what you are doing.
Take a break from him, You'll feel better trust me.
He has a trust issue he needs to fix.
Shoot my ex. can hack into my computer, read my emails and reroute them. He can get into my phone and read all my text msgs, hear all my phone conversations etc.. It scared me. So it's not like he really doesnt know what you are doing.
Take a break from him, You'll feel better trust me.
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