Am I out of line? Ex bf drama

[Natasha009]

I've been planning a trip to NYC with my sister for a few weeks, and we will be staying with my ex boyfriend. Me and him have known each other for 6 years, we dated for two (lived together the last 5 months of our relationship) and have been broken up for over 3 years. We have always gotten along terrifically, and have remained good friends over the years.

He has a girlfriend he has been dating for about 6 months. He told me (this week) she is extra upset that I am visiting him and will be staying over, and to expect the side eye and the cold treatment basically. She is also upset that he planned a really nice weekend for me and my sister so we can get the most out of NYC. She is included in almost everything we're going to do, except activities she opted out of, and she most likely will be around almost the WHOLE time I am there, most likely even at night. Also another thing is that we have the same name but he calls me by a nickname most times, so he said she will be really upset to know she is the second.

She emailed me today (our first ever communication) telling me among other things I am "out of line" for staying with him the entire weekend. I didn't even respond b/c I will see her tomorrow. I think she was trying to get me to cancel the trip, but it's too late, it's already planned and tickets to various things bought.

I just feel kind of stressed out. I can kind of see where she is coming from, but at the same time, to email me such a nasty email is really going above and beyond, and now I'm worried all the tension will ruin me and my sisters trip. I'm also happily engaged! I'm just going to try and play nice, but I feel like she's already set the tone of the weekend with the email. I haven't told my ex bf about the email and don't plan too.

 

[s_terry]

I understand her position. Truly, it's up to him to determine how to play this position. If you have any empathy as a woman, you should fall back ( honestly he should but that's another story.....) If you don't want him, it's not fair for you to dip in and out when he has a relationship. If you stay at his crib expect for this to be a less than ideal get away. To avoid the drama I suggest you anti-up and spring for a hotel room.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I've been planning a trip to NYC with my sister for a few weeks, and we will be staying with my ex boyfriend. Me and him have known each other for 6 years, we dated for two (lived together the last 5 months of our relationship) and have been broken up for over 3 years. We have always gotten along terrifically, and have remained good friends over the years.

He has a girlfriend he has been dating for about 6 months. He told me (this week) she is extra upset that I am visiting him and will be staying over, and to expect the side eye and the cold treatment basically. She is also upset that he planned a really nice weekend for me and my sister so we can get the most out of NYC. She is included in almost everything we're going to do, except activities she opted out of, and she most likely will be around almost the WHOLE time I am there, most likely even at night. Also another thing is that we have the same name but he calls me by a nickname most times, so he said she will be really upset to know she is the second.

She emailed me today (our first ever communication) telling me among other things I am "out of line" for staying with him the entire weekend. I didn't even respond b/c I will see her tomorrow. I think she was trying to get me to cancel the trip, but it's too late, it's already planned and tickets to various things bought.

I just feel kind of stressed out. I can kind of see where she is coming from, but at the same time, to email me such a nasty email is really going above and beyond, and now I'm worried all the tension will ruin me and my sisters trip. I'm also happily engaged! I'm just going to try and play nice, but I feel like she's already set the tone of the weekend with the email. I haven't told my ex bf about the email and don't plan too.

Classic case of insecurity.

 

[tecourt]

I would stay at a hotel, this arrangement does not seem practical. Have you have ever met the new girlfriend? If she was upset enough to email you, she will probably make your weekend miserable.

How would your Fiance feel if the situation was reversed? Would he be okay with your ex-boyfriend staying at your house for the weekend?

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[CarolinaGal]

I think the girlfriend is completely out of line. If she were smart, she would be all up in the mix, playing nice, and getting a feel for the situation. She seems insecure and immature. You never come out of the pocket until you have a clear understanding of the situation. She is just making herself look very bad. OP, you're nicer than me because I would have just forwarded the email to my friend and told him to check his girl. Whatever you decide, do not let this youngen ruin your trip. Have fun with your Sis.

 

[Triniwegian]

I would NOT stay at his place, no way. And if I was the girl I'd be pissed.
He sure don't know how to handle the situation..I think it is very disrespectful of him to invite a former lover to stay with him and his new SO. And forget the friendship, he was your boyfriend, that voids any friendship prior or after in a new girlfriend's eyes.
If I were you, I'd enjoy my drama free trip by staying at a hotel, the money saved is NOT worth it.

ETA: Does your finace know that you will be spending the weekend with your ex??

 

[magviv]

I do agree that the girlfriend has unwittinly revealed her insecurity to you and I also agree that perhaps it wasn't appropriate to set the weekend up. However, her concerns about this arrangement should have been communicated to her boyfriend rather than you. He disrespected her by allowing this arrangement to be made in advance without her approval. Obviously he didn't think her feelings were important enough to take into consideration. His girlfriend might want to think about that before she continues this relationship.

 

[Makenzie]

I would keep my plans. Don't acknowledge the email. Leave her wondering. When you see her, befriend her so she doesn't sabotage the trip. Have fun. Don't let her immaturity interfere with your fun.

 

[Bachelorette]

Um are you sure you're engaged? Dont know what kinda dude watches as his fiancee stays over at her ex's house. Doesnt make sense to me. Giuys I know will go as far as borrowing money jut so their women wouldnt do such a thing.

You are out of line

Ex or not, you dont belong in his apt ESPECIALLY since he's in a relationship. Just because he doesnt have the decency to respect her doesnt mean you should do the same cos I doubt you'd accept the same. It's one thing if you did events together fine, but to actually stay at his place? That's just rude

Better hope she doesnt shank you in your sleep

 

[Whimsy]

Sorry I can't take your side OP.
First off, I think it's immature/inappropriate of you to be staying at homeboy's house when you know he has a woman. Go to a hotel like any other adult would do.
And second, homeboy is SUPER DISRESPECTFUL for even inviting you in his home when he's got his new girl, and having you stay the weekend..... no.

There's a lot of inappropriate ish goin down, and it mainly stems from Old Boy. He's gunna be in a world of hurt after you leave, cuz I have a feeling the new gf isn't gunna let this go easily.

 

[TayMac]

I'd be pissed if I was his girlfriend..like I'm done with you, kiss my arse pissed.

She shouldn't have emailed you because she needs to take issue with her man disrespecting their relationship and not establishing boundaries.

Staying with an ex that one used to live would not go over well with most men or women.

 

[locabouthair]

I think you should try and find a hotel. Most women do not want an ex or any woman thats not family around their man. I had guy friend and I had to fall back with calling them because I know the girlfriend would be upset.

 

[s_terry]

Um are you are you're engaged? Dont know what kinda dude watches as his fiancee stays over at her ex's house. Doesnt make sense to me. Giuys I know will go as far as borrowing money jut so their women wouldnt do such a thing.

You are out of line

Ex or not, you dont belong in his apt ESPECIALLY since he's in a relationship. Just because he doesnt have the decency to respect her doesnt mean you should do the same cos I doubt you'd accept the same. It's one thing if you did events together fine, but to actually stay at his place? That's just rude

Better hope she doesnt shank you in your sleep

Girl, now you know you was wrong for that!This is serious, but that was funny. Of course we hope this never happens, but I have to agree. The original poster is setting her self up. She should consider sleeping with one eye open.

Original poster please be careful.

 

[Ivonnovi]

The BF is out of line.
At this point I'd call you an "opportunist"; but, she's out of line too. Till she has papers, her problem (beef) is with "him" not you!

 

[jada1111]

I would keep my plans. Don't acknowledge the email. Leave her wondering. When you see her, befriend her so she doesn't sabotage the trip. Have fun. Don't let her immaturity interfere with your fun.

Immaturity????

Many women have died and gotten scarred up for doing what the OP is about to do.

Homegirl contacted her by email. Meaning she told her man, but he chose to ignore her for some reason (obviously a disrespectful bastid) and she's letting the OP know in no uncertain terms that she is not pleased.

OP, act stupid if you want to. Just don't go calling the cops or acting like you didn't know.

 

[kmn1980]

First, let me say that I don't know what your ex-boyfriend is thinking. Second, and I'm not ragging on you because we all have different value systems, but there's no way I would accept an invitation to stay with an old boyfriend who is currently in a relationship with another woman. To me, it's not proper and you open yourself up to this kind of (potentially explosive) foolishness.

Most women would feel comfortable with their boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, the person he used to live with and have sex with on a regular basis, staying in his house with him. This isn't just "my ex-boyfriend and I are going to dinner and she's pissed." You are planning to stay in the man's house when she doesn't live there with him. As much as she probably doesn't trust him, believe me, she trusts you even less.

There's no dilemma here. I say take the smart route and stay at a hotel. That way you show respect for their relationship and avoid unnecessary drama. You don't know what she has in her bag of tricks.

And let me just say that if I were his new girlfriend and you stay over at his house this weekend, I'd more than likely dump him as soon as you leave just because it shows he doesn't have sound reasoning abilities.

 

[Natasha009]

I wish I could stay at a hotel now, but at this point it's kind of impractical since the trip is tomorrow. I could either cancel and lose all my money or pay a bunch of money for a last minute hotel reservation. It just has me in an awkward situation since she waited until today to email me.

My ex bf has stayed in my spare bedroom during this past christmas season for 2 days, with me and my fiancee. My fiancee had NO problem with it (and if he did I would have respected that), he knows he's the only man i'm checking for. I think maybe men understand better that sometimes two people date who should have only been friends, but that thats no reason to throw away a genuine friendship.

He asked her a few weeks ago if it would be alright, and she said yes. I don't know why, maybe she was just trying to please him, but all the same she said yes. It wasn't until this week she flipped out and said how she really felt. She has had my email all these weeks (I copy her in every email to him about what we all should do). If she had said no I would have of course respected her situation. Like I said, I can understand a little where she coming from, and I genuinely don't want her man! I was hoping when she met me and saw us together she would realize it's really just a friendship, but that email set everything in a new direction.

It's not my place to send him the email. I'm already in the drama, and I'm not trying to create more.

Also, while I'm sleeping over, his gf will be sleeping over as well, so she KNOWS nothing will be happening. The only time she won't be with us during the whole weekend is when me, him and my sister are doing a citywide bike ride.

 

[YankeeCandle]

I agree with everyone who said this whole plan is ill-conceived...not just in your part, but on the part of your ex.

But, since the tickets are paid for and you already on your way, I would take it upon myself to defuse her anger. The best way to do this is to take some blame on yourself, even though honestly, I think the ex is most at fault since he's cheerfully opening up his home to you and putting his energy into planning a fun weekend for you. But willingly taking some blame will go a long way toward mollifying a wronged person.

I would directly and vocally defer to the girlfriend woman-to-woman, with honesty and tact: "I just saw your email a little while ago, and you're right--Me and _____ (ex's name) didn't consider your feelings and how this could be awkward for you. I apologize for my part in it and hope that we can be cool together this weekend."

Then, for the rest of the weekend, make sure that you address her directly an equal amount as you do her boyfriend, that you consult her about her ideas for what to do/where to eat/etc, and that you and the ex MINIMIZE any use of cutesy nicknames for each other or fond reminisces about places you went together or thing you did in the past.

It seems like a lot of work to do to maintain cordial relations, but this is the volatile situation you and your ex chose to put yourselves in.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Whimsy]

I wish I could stay at a hotel now, but at this point it's kind of impractical since the trip is tomorrow. I could either cancel and lose all my money or pay a bunch of money for a last minute hotel reservation. It just has me in an awkward situation since she waited until today to email me.

My ex bf has stayed in my spare bedroom during this past christmas season for 2 days, with me and my fiancee. My fiancee had NO problem with it (and if he did I would have respected that), he knows he's the only man i'm checking for. I think maybe men understand better that sometimes two people date who should have only been friends, but that thats no reason to throw away a genuine friendship.

He asked her a few weeks ago if it would be alright, and she said yes. I don't know why, maybe she was just trying to please him, but all the same she said yes. It wasn't until this week she flipped out and said how she really felt. She has had my email all these weeks (I copy her in every email to him about what we all should do). If she had said no I would have of course respected her situation. Like I said, I can understand a little where she coming from, and I genuinely don't want her man! I was hoping when she met me and saw us together she would realize it's really just a friendship, but that email set everything in a new direction.

It's not my place to send him the email. I'm already in the drama, and I'm not trying to create more.

Also, while I'm sleeping over, his gf will be sleeping over as well, so she KNOWS nothing will be happening. The only time she won't be with us during the whole weekend is when me, him and my sister are doing a citywide bike ride.

The situation was wrong before she emailed you. But like another poster said, we all have different value systems.

Be big, take the L and go to a hotel. This weekend has the potential to ruin your friendship that you seem to hold so dear.

If you honestly dont want drama, go to a hotel, and just join up with them as a couple for some events/sightseeing etc.

Seems your mind is set on staying at your ex's place, so I just say good luck to you.

 

[jada1111]

I would NOT stay at his place, no way. And if I was the girl I'd be pissed.
He sure don't know how to handle the situation..I think it is very disrespectful of him to invite a former lover to stay with him and his new SO. And forget the friendship, he was your boyfriend, that voids any friendship prior or after in a new girlfriend's eyes.
If I were you, I'd enjoy my drama free trip by staying at a hotel, the money saved is NOT worth it.

Agreed. The OP and her ex is TRIFLING, simply trifling.

I do agree that the girlfriend has unwittinly revealed her insecurity to you and I also agree that perhaps it wasn't appropriate to set the weekend up. However, her concerns about this arrangement should have been communicated to her boyfriend rather than you. He disrespected her by allowing this arrangement to be made in advance without her approval. Obviously he didn't think her feelings were important enough to take into consideration. His girlfriend might want to think about that before she continues this relationship.

She did communicate to him, but he doesn't care. The OP should though.

You are out of line

Ex or not, you dont belong in his apt ESPECIALLY since he's in a relationship. Just because he doesnt have the decency to respect her doesnt mean you should do the same cos I doubt you'd accept the same. It's one thing if you did events together fine, but to actually stay at his place? That's just rude

Better hope she doesnt shank you in your sleep

^ ^ THIS! ^ ^

OP, you have no idea who this chick is or her mental instability. One in six americans suffer some form of mental illness. Chick actually EMAILED YOU to let you know what you're doing is NOT cool.

Yes, her trifling man (your ex) should be telling you to stay at a hotel, but he's disrespectful and trifling (how many times have I said "trifling"). He's also a major bastid imo, but that's neither here nor there. She needs to let this "man" go, because it's only been six months and he's showing where his "head" is at and what type of person he is.

OP, in answer to your question - YES, YOU ARE OUT OF LINE. MAJORLY.

 

[fletches]

Um are you sure you're engaged? Dont know what kinda dude watches as his fiancee stays over at her ex's house. Doesnt make sense to me. Giuys I know will go as far as borrowing money jut so their women wouldnt do such a thing.

You are out of line

Ex or not, you dont belong in his apt ESPECIALLY since he's in a relationship. Just because he doesnt have the decency to respect her doesnt mean you should do the same cos I doubt you'd accept the same. It's one thing if you did events together fine, but to actually stay at his place? That's just rude

Better hope she doesnt shank you in your sleep

Looks like we agree on something else

 

[Natasha009]

I feel like I should clear something up, we never had sex. I lived the straight- edge lifestyle when I was younger (no drugs or alcohol or cafeine, no sex, no meat, no anything bad for you lol).

 

[s_terry]

I wish I could stay at a hotel now, but at this point it's kind of impractical since the trip is tomorrow. I could either cancel and lose all my money or pay a bunch of money for a last minute hotel reservation. It just has me in an awkward situation since she waited until today to email me.


Excuses. You have a choice. Get on orbitz or something. What's more expensive.. a hotel room...getting shanked.....her pulling all your hair out....I hope you are getting the picture here. Stop posting, and handle your business for your safety's sake. I truly hope you have a great visit.


My ex bf has stayed in my spare bedroom during this past christmas season for 2 days, with me and my fiancee. My fiancee had NO problem with it (and if he did I would have respected that), he knows he's the only man i'm checking for. I think maybe men understand better that sometimes two people date who should have only been friends, but that thats no reason to throw away a genuine friendship.

Girl, don't be naive. Best believe your man slept with one eye open, and knew how many times you went to the bathroom that night.

He asked her a few weeks ago if it would be alright, and she said yes. I don't know why, maybe she was just trying to please him, but all the same she said yes. It wasn't until this week she flipped out and said how she really felt. She has had my email all these weeks (I copy her in every email to him about what we all should do). If she had said no I would have of course respected her situation. Like I said, I can understand a little where she coming from, and I genuinely don't want her man! I was hoping when she met me and saw us together she would realize it's really just a friendship, but that email set everything in a new direction.

It's not my place to send him the email. I'm already in the drama, and I'm not trying to create more.

Also, while I'm sleeping over, his gf will be sleeping over as well, so she KNOWS nothing will be happening. The only time she won't be with us during the whole weekend is when me, him and my sister are doing a citywide bike ride.

......... Wisdom above all things......

 

[YankeeCandle]

Thanks for the clarification about the lack of sex, OP, but I really don't think that makes a lot of difference in the situation. The girlfriend is pretty justifed in feeling like a wronged party here, and you and the ex need to work double time to clean up the mess you both started.

 

[jada1111]

I feel like I should clear something up, we never had sex. I lived the straight- edge lifestyle when I was younger (no drugs or alcohol or cafeine, no sex, no meat, no anything bad for you lol).

So, is this supposed to make it okay?

You lived with this man for three months, nobody will believe you didn't have sex. Nobody.

I know he wouldn't be able to run that nonsense down to me and expect me to believe it.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

I feel like I should clear something up, we never had sex. I lived the straight- edge lifestyle when I was younger (no drugs or alcohol or cafeine, no sex, no meat, no anything bad for you lol).

you lived together for 5 months of your 2 year relationship and NEVER had sex?

 

[Whimsy]

I feel like I should clear something up, we never had sex. I lived the straight- edge lifestyle when I was younger (no drugs or alcohol or cafeine, no sex, no meat, no anything bad for you lol).

This changes absolutely nothing about the situation.

hotels.com
sidestep.com
orbits.com
cheaptickets.com

 

[Bachelorette]

I wish I could stay at a hotel now, but at this point it's kind of impractical since the trip is tomorrow. I could either cancel and lose all my money or pay a bunch of money for a last minute hotel reservation. It just has me in an awkward situation since she waited until today to email me.

My ex bf has stayed in my spare bedroom during this past christmas season for 2 days, with me and my fiancee. My fiancee had NO problem with it (and if he did I would have respected that), he knows he's the only man i'm checking for. I think maybe men understand better that sometimes two people date who should have only been friends, but that thats no reason to throw away a genuine friendship.

He asked her a few weeks ago if it would be alright, and she said yes. I don't know why, maybe she was just trying to please him, but all the same she said yes. It wasn't until this week she flipped out and said how she really felt. She has had my email all these weeks (I copy her in every email to him about what we all should do). If she had said no I would have of course respected her situation. Like I said, I can understand a little where she coming from, and I genuinely don't want her man! I was hoping when she met me and saw us together she would realize it's really just a friendship, but that email set everything in a new direction.

It's not my place to send him the email. I'm already in the drama, and I'm not trying to create more.

Also, while I'm sleeping over, his gf will be sleeping over as well, so she KNOWS nothing will be happening. The only time she won't be with us during the whole weekend is when me, him and my sister are doing a citywide bike ride.

Oh I see, you're making up for the time he stayed with YOU and your fiancee. well that's fine and all but obviously this woman isnt having it

I do agree that since she was included in all of the correspondence, she SHOULD have made her displeasure with the situation known. Perhaps she didnt wnat him to know of her insecurity. Im sure dude doesnt even know about this recent email

Either she always had a problem and was afraid to say something OR she was fine with it and something happened recently between them and your presence is gonna make matters worse in her mind

Either way you really should consider a hotel, if he's upstanding he's even help paying for it but yea..anyway you just might have to speand that money on a place and also dont let him stay over at your place anymore even though YOUR fiancee is fine with it. I can understand the "well you stayed at mine, i should be able to stay at yours" but since that's not working with his current relationship, its better for you not to allow it anymore

 

[Bunny77]

I remember when I started dating this guy who I think is simply clueless about dealing with women and relationships.

(He's now 42 and never married and his longest relationship was a year. At the time he was 35. I just mention this for background... he really was/is clueless, not a player.)

Now, we weren't officially together, but he was pursuing me. Then one day, he mentioned that he was going to stay the night at an ex-girlfriend's house because he had a dentist's appointment an hour away (he kept his old dentist) and she lived near the dentist.

Now, I wasn't going to stop him from doing that, but I told him that if he's still staying at ex-girlfriend's houses for "convenience," then we didn't need to be dating because I don't roll like that. He looked utterly confused... and later, this girl wanted to come to his house to drop off some food after he had surgery, and I told him that if she was coming over, I was leaving.

She came to the door, and he told her that she had to leave. The thing is, I blamed HIM totally for not setting boundaries and just acting like it was all cool because he wasn't sleeping with her or me. I said that didn't matter -- it was about boundaries and folks knowing how to play their position.

People in serious relationships don't need to be sleeping in the homes of exes, regardless of whether or not folks are having sex or were having sex. I'm surprised that no one in this situation thought it was even the least bit off for this sleeping setup to be taking place.