Am I Doing Too Much Or No? Update- I Ran Into Interview Bae At An Event Today

hopeful said:
Crushes put you at a disadvantage because the person has been given a status they have yet to earn. Remember, you really only "think" you like him. You don't know him from Adam yet. He could be pervert or a cheater or dating someone or just plain weird. It takes time to know if a man is really worth our time. So you can think he is cute and successful and could possibly be a catch, but you just don't know yet. I think having a crush on a movie star or something is a safer bet. But with someone you can actually meet in person it might cloud your judgement and also put him in the position to be the pursued, the prize.
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This is exactly why my advice was to let the man pursue. It messes up the balance of things, and you over think everything.

Even though I am married to my "crush", in hindsight I would not have taken the same approach if I could do it all over again. Men are really good at picking up on how into them you are and they will not put in as much effort if they feel like they are the prize.

It took a couple of years of us dating for me to take my rose colored glasses off and realize that "I" was the prize and that he would have to put in work to keep me. Yes, the balance of our relationship is complete different now but all situations don't turn out that way...which is why I don't think it's worth taking that chance.

No matter how great you think a man is he will one day do something to get on your last nerve and make you question what you ever saw in him to begin with, lol...
 
PopLife said:
This is exactly why my advice was to let the man pursue. It messes up the balance of things, and you over think everything.

Even though I am married to my "crush", in hindsight I would not have taken the same approach if I could do it all over again. Men are really good at picking up on how into them you are and they will not put in as much effort if they feel like they are the prize.

It took a couple of years of us dating for me to take my rose colored glasses off and realize that "I" was the prize and that he would have to put in work to keep me. Yes, the balance of our relationship is complete different now but all situations don't turn out that way...which is why I don't think it's worth taking that chance.

No matter how great you think a man is he will one day do something to get on your last nerve and make you question what you ever saw in him to begin with, lol...
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That fool is tap dancing on my last good nerve this week. *Types with one eye open* :drowning:
 
Fine 4s said:
ITA! I love getting to the stage where we 'remove' the glasses. It's quite the eye-opener and I suppose would contribute to the 'detachment' that I'd like to practice.
@Lucie, change your avie. I want to see your face!
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You can go to my IG, LOL! :2inlove: I have not seen you on there in ages. Kote'w ye la konsa cherie?
 
Fine 4s said:
@PopLife ITA! I love getting to the stage where we 'remove' the glasses. It's quite the eye-opener and I suppose would contribute to the 'detachment' that I'd like to practice.
@Lucie, change your avie. I want to see your face!
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Girl, those rose colored glasses are a trip. This is why I am definitely a proponent of dating multiple people until you get a solid commitment and even after that keep the "others" in your rolodex just in case. :sekret:
 
PopLife said:
Girl, those rose colored glasses are a trip. This is why I am definitely a proponent of dating multiple people until you get a solid commitment and even after that keep the "others" in your rolodex just in case. :sekret:
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Agreed.

But I know for me, it usually happens by default that I end up only seeing one person at once. I'm almost never into multiple people at the same time. Just finding one is damn near impossible. :ohwell:
 
Fine 4s said:
@MzLady78
Yeah! I'm hardly into multiple people at the same time either.
Unsure how folks are doing this. Maybe they aren't liking them with the same intensity? In that case, I can see it.
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It's easy. Typically, there's one you might like more than the rest but then it doesn't work out. Or you like them about the same and the rest drop like flies during the whole dating process :look:
 
I date more than one man at a time. The initial attraction is based on them being physically appealing to me, so they are all on an even playing field for the most part but as we date personalities as well as their commitment to me are revealed and decisions are made as to whether I want to keep dealing with them.
 
So met a guy, great chemistry, great connection, great everything. Always telling me how amazing I am.

He wanted to be celibate and take me out on these amazing dates. Then I told him I have a daughter. All that changed.
 
LovinLea said:
So met a guy, great chemistry, great connection, great everything. Always telling me how amazing I am.

He wanted to be celibate and take me out on these amazing dates. Then I told him I have a daughter. All that changed.
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How did it change? He disappeared? He wants to Netflix and chill instead of being celibate?
 
LovinLea said:
So met a guy, great chemistry, great connection, great everything. Always telling me how amazing I am.

He wanted to be celibate and take me out on these amazing dates. Then I told him I have a daughter. All that changed.
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How long had you known him before things changed? Had you guys been on any dates before things changed?
 
Black Ambrosia said:
How did it change? He disappeared? He wants to Netflix and chill instead of being celibate?
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hopeful said:
How long had you known him before things changed? Had you guys been on any dates before things changed?
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I matched with him online right before I went on a week long vacation. The whole time I was on vacation we talked first thing in the morning, midday, and last thing before sleeping. At this point, he didn't know I had a daughter. He wanted to "be friends first, take it slow, remain celibate only kissing allowed, and invited me to his church". He also had places he wanted to take me out to eat, movies, shows.

When I came back a week later, I met him in person, not a date, just a meetup. Great chemistry. Then I told him I had a daughter. He said he's not willing to stop talking to me although he did not plan on dating someone with a child.

Now, he has never taken me out. Only tries to Netflix and chill. Yet tells me I'm an amazing person and that he loves me. Never brings up me going to his church anymore.

He just told me that he doesn't know if he can take on the responsibility and it was never his plan to date someone with a child and he needs time to think. He said he told me he loves me too fast, because while he has strong feelings for me, he doesn't know ALL of me (my daughter, my home life). He doesn't know what he's taking on.

I called him once since he said that and it felt like "why are you calling?" He told me that I need to wait until he's finished thinking about if he willing to take on the responsibility and when he's done thinking he will let me know what he decides. Also that I'm pressuring him. I told him I'm going to give him space.
 
@LovinLea
So you have only seen him in person once? And only known him a couple weeks? Is that what you are saying? If I am understanding correctly I think he created false intimacy with you with all of that texting up front when you were on vacation. My gut tells me two things: 1) You don't know this man at all. You have not spent enough time together to get to know one another. And 2) that he is playing games with you, and was from the start. I would leave him be.
 
hopeful said:
@LovinLea
So you have only seen him in person once? And only known him a couple weeks? Is that what you are saying? If I am understanding correctly I think he created false intimacy with you with all of that texting up front when you were on vacation. My gut tells me two things: 1) You don't know this man at all. You have not spent enough time together to get to know one another. And 2) that he is playing games with you, and was from the start. I would leave him be.
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I've seen him multiple times. I've known him a couple of months. But I am agreeing with your gut.

Also, sorry. I meant to post this in the single ladies support thread.
 
@LovinLea this dude is playing games with you and was from the start. Hence with he played the "I love you" card and the "I'm a church boy so trust me" card. Trust his actions not his words. He's clearly showing you that he's not serious about you by the way he's acting. He was hoping to hit it and quit it quickly but your child threw a wrench in his plans. Good! It exposed him even sooner. 2 months isn't that long. Cut losses and date someone else.
 
LovinLea said:
I've seen him multiple times. I've known him a couple of months. But I am agreeing with your gut.

Also, sorry. I meant to post this in the single ladies support thread.
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Yes, toss this one back. Women are so used to men wanting sex that when a man says he doesn't want sex it can be disarming. For some men it really is about power and control and sex may or may not be part of their game. But bottom line you don't want a guy who is all about power and control. This guy is a manipulator. Notice how he kept doing future talk vs. focused on the here and now? That's a favorite tactic of manipulators, one day we'll do this vs. let's do this or that tomorrow. And the early falling in love stuff is another tactic. You dodged a bullet.
 
caribeandiva said:
@LovinLea this dude is playing games with you and was from the start. Hence with he played the "I love you" card and the "I'm a church boy so trust me" card. Trust his actions not his words. He's clearly showing you that he's not serious about you by the way he's acting. He was hoping to hit it and quit it quickly but your child threw a wrench in his plans. Good! It exposed him even sooner. 2 months isn't that long. Cut losses and date someone else.
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BGT said:
Why's he saying he loves you? That's weird.
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hopeful said:
Yes, toss this one back. Women are so used to men wanting sex that when a man says he doesn't want sex it can be disarming. For some men it really is about power and control and sex may or may not be part of their game. But bottom line you don't want a guy who is all about power and control. This guy is a manipulator. Notice how he kept doing future talk vs. focused on the here and now? That's a favorite tactic of manipulators, one day we'll do this vs. let's do this or that tomorrow. And the early falling in love stuff is another tactic. You dodged a bullet.
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I fell in love with potential.

I didn't believe him when he said he loved me but now I know for sure that he didn't. It was weird that he did that, though.
 
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