Advice Please: Am I Even His Type?

[I Am So Blessed]

Please do not quote.


I'll make this quick.

I'm in a relationship with this man for a year now (we've known each other for over ten years). He proposed to me last year. He wined and dined me. He courted me properly. And get this....we agreed to never have premarital seqs. Nice right?

So this is what happened today...(sigh).... while I'm talking to him over the phone he says something like "wow this woman crossing the street is a beautiful woman, she's dark skin and .....blah blah blah. I smiled and say back to him "thanks for giving us darker toned girls some props. I loved it until he said "you're the first dark skined woman I've been with."

He's been on this earth for over half a century and all he's been with is light skin women(?) I didn't know that before today. Fine with me, but what he said was very telling. Could he be color struck? I felt very disappointed once he said that. Should I be?

I feel like I'm not his type now. Or I'm not what he "prefers". Based on his track record.

 

[I Am So Blessed]

Good night all.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

You've known him for 10 years but never noticed all the women were light skinned? How well do you know him? If he courted you properly and still treats you well there's no reason to assume you're not what he wants but it's definitely something I'd bring up.

Did you accept his proposal? If not, why? It sounds like there's a part of you that thinks he may be too good to be true. It shouldn't be both a positive and a negative where you're glad you found a guy who's willing to wait but deep down believe something must be wrong with him. As the saying goes, if you look for something to be wrong you'll find it. Not saying that's what's happening here but it's possible.

Is this the only thing that has you questioning him?

 

[Sosoothing]

Did you ask him why you are the first dark skinned woman he's ever dated?

In the 10 years you have known him, how many women has he dated? If it's been only 2 for example and they were both light, it may be pure coincidence.
But if it's been 15 and all of them had a light complexion then that is concerning.

My spidey senses aren't tingling based on the info you provided.

 

[awhyley]

If he proposed, are you engaged? If not, what's making you hesitate?

(eta: Sorry, didn't see Black Ambrosia's post above)

 

[LiftedUp]

This is strange... the fact that he was oogling another woman and describing her to you was strange as well...

I'd say this though, I cut off a guy, who was courting me, when he told me that he was into exoticals. I'm not exotical... why would you tell me that? That was more than 10 years ago and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

 

[Lylddlebit]

I wouldn't worry about it. I am the first of many things for my husband, and he is the first of many things for me also. In our case the firsts don't indicate preference for things we are not, rather it indicates the new experiences we create together. It reveals treating our relationship as special and set apart from all the things we did before one another and we actually do "right" with each other. Now that said, context counts. If there are other habits or statements that cause this to trigger you then that is worth examining. Good luck.

 

[Evolving78]

If you gotta question it, then it’s a no go. Even if you are or you aren’t his type, that is a self-esteem issue that needs to be worked out on your end.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

He’s known you for 11 years, courted you for 1 year and proposed. You’re his type. Unless he’s getting a financial/health benefit by marrying you I wouldn’t worry about him breaking type.

 

[prettyinpurple]

I wouldn't worry about it. I am the first of many things for my husband, and he is the first of many things for me also. In our case the firsts don't indicate preference for things we are not, rather it indicates the new experiences we create together. It reveals treating our relationship as special and set apart from all the things we did before one another and we actually do "right" with each other. Now that said, context counts. If there are other habits or statements that cause this to trigger you then that is worth examining. Good luck.

He’s known you for 11 years, courted you for 1 year and proposed. You’re his type. Unless he’s getting a financial/health benefit by marrying you I wouldn’t worry about him breaking type.

Makes sense.

Also did he say that he only dated women with lighter skin? His statement leaves room for dating women with typical brown skin.

But if you saw his partners over the years and didn't notice a pattern, then it doesn't sounds like he was obsessed about dating women with a lighter skin tone. I think you would've heard some comments about his preferences as well tbh. Men with these preferences always have something to say about it.

I do understand how it left you feeling funny and out of sorts.

 

[Reinventing21]

I know a darker brown woman who married a white man whose big celebrity crush in high school was a light eyed, light skinned , light haired, mixed type.

They have been happily married for a gazillion years now. He has only had eyes for his deep brown wife.

Don't let this become an insecurity for you. You know you are "all that" and so does he!

Think about guys you have crushed on, celebrity or in real life. Does your guy measure up in all aspects? Probably not. But you still love him though, right?

Security in oneself is sexy , so don't let that comment fester into something else other than a random observation.

 

[lana]

I'd actually be more upset if my husband thought it was okay to oogle and describe attractive women to me...since I would never do that to him in reverse with other men. We keep our eyes on each other.

 

[LushLox]

I'd actually be more upset if my husband thought it was okay to oogle and describe attractive women to me...since I would never do that to him in reverse with other men. We keep our eyes on each other.

Yep this is exactly what I thought, I would find this disrespectful personally. Men are human and I expect them to look yes, but I don’t expect him to be rubbing it in my face.

 

[Evolving78]

He’s known you for 11 years, courted you for 1 year and proposed. You’re his type. Unless he’s getting a financial/health benefit by marrying you I wouldn’t worry about him breaking type.

Men don’t always marry for looks and type. A man may want to marry a woman because she maybe a safe bet and would make a good wife.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Him saying what he said while you two were on the phone is more brow raising to me than anything in the OP.

 

[awhyley]

Men don’t always marry for looks and type. A man may want to marry a woman because she maybe a safe bet and would make a good wife.

This is probably why OP is worried. I'd be concerned if I was someone's safety bet/net.

 

[Ganjababy]

I don’t think his previous dating preferences is a problem. Maybe your fabulosity led to a change in preferences.

Not sure about him ogling another woman and mentioning the fact that he only dated light skin woman before. I question the motive behind that. Should you be grateful that he chose you? I would definitely question him on that.

 

[Reinventing21]

@Ganjababy I totally agree with you, but I am a little hesitant at her putting the idea in his head the possibility she should feel lucky he chose her, even if shes arguing against that cuz once the idea is out there... I was thinking maybe she could switch it back around, like her saying he is the lucky one.

Regarding the fact he opened his mouth to even mention the attractiveness of some random, depends on the kind of openess the op and her man have. If she is uncomfortable with that, she should def establish that boundary.

When I was younger a guy I was dating did that to me. In my case it was a red flag, but I didn't know how to handle that kind of thing at that time, nor did I have sufficient self confidence which also made me an easy mark for predators.

After all that tho, like I said before I have witnessed women with self confidence, comfortable in their own skin who went on to have successful relationships after swiftly checking their guy.

 

[simone103]

I believe there's a strong possibility that he is at least color struck, and I don't think your feelings about him being that way, and also you feeling that you may not be what he physically prefers is completely off-base. Like someone else mentioned - not all men (or women) get married for looks, especially now that he's over the age of 50. All I'm saying is I completely understand why you feel the way that you do.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Men don’t always marry for looks and type. A man may want to marry a woman because she maybe a safe bet and would make a good wife.

This is probably why OP is worried. I'd be concerned if I was someone's safety bet/net.

Why is this a bad thing? What does this imply?

 

[Evolving78]

Why is this a bad thing? What does this imply?

Not a bad thing at all. But it takes the romanticism away. Some women’s egos would be crushed.

 

[awhyley]

Why is this a bad thing? What does this imply?

I would be concerned that he would find his perfect "exotical" and leave me high and dry. (My insecurity showing? Yes.)

 

[PeaceFlow]

I'm in a marriage where he has never had a relationship with a darkskinned woman and I've never even dated a biracial man before him.

Personally I think there's more to types than one element. I dont gravitate towards mixed looks...but he had a beautiful body, big hands , deep voice, nice eyes and lips etc.. So he was enough of my type to be attracted to him - along with good personality traits.

Only thing I would say is like a few others I find the conversation and his need to bring things up a bit weird. Honestly, the only conversations where random comments about shade have come up, the dudes showed themselves as people I shouldn't get involved with. It pricks my ears because just because my own experiences but its hard to judge without more info.

 

[NijaG]

Is he rich? Does he have assets and stuff that you will get?

Do you have to contribute financially?

Any liabilities —— unpaid debts, child support, alimony?

He is a 50 yr old man who previously dated light/mixed black women. You knew him for 10 years, before a year ago @49 he decided to court you and propose.

Was he single and dating during the 10 year period? Was he married?

Were you married or in a rlsp?

What stopped him from pursuing during those 10 years?

Have you always maybe had underlying feelings for him all those years before he decided to pursue?

Like someone said, men marry for non-romantic reasons.

My 2cents —— Whether you are pragmatic and/or romantic, I would only marry this
man if he is the full provider on the rlsp.

If at 50, he can’t be that, then I feel you are wasting your time and taking a risk.

 

[hopeful]

I hope the OP comes back and answers some of the questions asked. That would give some clarity. Eight years before I divorced my husband he said something that deep in my gut let me know that I was no longer his preference. It was painful to accept as we had been married for a long time and had two daughters. It took me eight years to accept reality and leave him.

Try to quiet yourself, have courage, and listen to whatever your intuition is telling you. The world has done a number on darker skinned black women and I really can’t pretend to understand how it felt to hear him say what he said. It is off putting. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out. I hope you know how beautiful you are and that you are the prize.

 

[Evolving78]

OP I’m going to flat out tell you that this man ain’t the one. What he demonstrated was a major red flag. It was a mind game to get you to question yourself and your worthiness. Don’t marry this man. He is ready to settle down because he is getting older and he knows you might be someone that will take care of him.

 

[CurliDiva]

I was more concerned by him checking out a (any shade) woman and feeling cool with telling you that he's checking out another woman.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I feel like these are backhanded compliments. I don't take a man seriously who does that. Like if a guy tells me I have never dated short girls before but baby you.... I feel like his TYPE is tall women. You're not finna pity date me. I don't know, it might be coming from insecurities but this has never felt right to me.

I usually mirror them.

"Yeah....I totally get that. I saw this guy the other day and he was sooo attractive to me. He was really really built. You're the first guy I have met that wasn't physically built." Then I look at his reaction.

I'm petty though.

 

[Mai Tai]

I'm less concerned about his dating preferences and more concerned about you thanking him for "giving dark girls props" as if him doing this, as a what I assume to be a black man, deserves some type of accolades. I'm sure you are very secure in your skin but that to me screams otherwise.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

OP I’m going to flat out tell you that this man ain’t the one. What he demonstrated was a major red flag. It was a mind game to get you to question yourself and your worthiness. Don’t marry this man. He is ready to settle down because he is getting older and he knows you might be someone that will take care of him.

Sigh. Flags everywhere unfortunately.