Am I in an Abusive Relationship? Kinda Long

[Starronda]

Does this man love you? Do you love him? From reading, it seems like it's simply a sexual relationship and he want to hit it when he is ready and doesn't want anyone else to be with you.

Most importantly part, YES, you are in a abusive relationship. He is choking and slapping you and you are sitting around wondering if this is real abuse or not. It will only get worse. If this man is not YOUR man and just a 'F' buddy, he needs to go find someone else to play these games with since it's obvious something you are not into.

I don't mean for my post to come across harsh. I simply hate to see women being played. You are worth more than that. If my post offends you, I apologize in advance. But you did ask for all opinions. It's a mental power trip for him.

Not harsh at all. Thank you.

 

[Almaz]

Okay my beautiful lady. I don't want to offend anyone and please forgive me if I sound like a harsh old prude. But a relationship that started out as just SEX rarely blossoms into something substantial. And how many women is HE sleeping with when he is not with you? I am sorry I am NOT going to sit here and believe that this is just a Mongamous booty call. They Never are. And to think it is is just BS really. If you continue this relationship then there are boundries that need to be set. Because I see the signs of an you being Played and hurt down the line. I see no love in this relationship just sex and control going on. Again this person has self esteem issues if he is always worried about what you are doing and if you work long hours you are doing this to get ahead. You got more things going on in life than Phucking him. He should know this. And if he is accusing you of sleeping around he is sleeping around one you and using the you are cheating on me as a rouse and a cover.

You are not married to him so he has nothing to say about your life and where you go. All this "Light slapping" and Chocking will only lead to more harsher treatment in the long run. You are worth more than that. And men are funny if they start of a relationship with sex they are automatically thinking that you are sexing other guys also. Which may or may not be true.

Yeah the dick may be good but it is not worth the pain in the end.

 

[MrsWatson]

Yes, it is an abusive relationship. Usually, the altercations grow increasingly worse. Get out of this relationship while you can.
Nothing about that scenario sounded kinky to me....

 

[Makenzie]

Ok ladies let me explain. Some of my friends say yes, most of them say no...Here it goes.

I've been seeing the same person since February 2009. At first we were just sleeping with each other, but now we go out, spend a little more time and of course still sleep together..So you say, whats the problem, right? Well....

My SO is Italian, 6'2 and lift weights, so standing by him I look like an ant. When we go out men don't even bother to look my way, he's very intimidating. Latley we've been arguing back and fourth, when I'm not with him he's always saying I'm sleeping with someone else and other hurtful things. Monday when we're making love he was tightly holding my neck and saying I need to stop playing games and be there with him blah blah blah..That was the first time he's done that...Yesterday while making love he "lightly" slapped my face and once again said I need to stop acting like I do blah blah blah.. I'm confused because I know some men like things like that during sex, but I don't know if it's that or if he's actually doing it bc of anger..Some of my friends say it's a sex thing, and alot of my friends say it's obvious that he's starting signs of abuse..I just wanted the opinion of ladies thats not in my circle of friends. Thx for listening.

Sounds like abuse. Abuse comes in stages and levels. He even says hurtful things to you, always accusing you of cheating. All signs of abuse.

 

[Starronda]

Okay my beautiful lady. I don't want to offend anyone and please forgive me if I sound like a harsh old prude. But a relationship that started out as just SEX rarely blossoms into something substantial. And how many women is HE sleeping with when he is not with you? I am sorry I am NOT going to sit here and believe that this is just a Mongamous booty call. They Never are. And to think it is is just BS really. If you continue this relationship then there are boundries that need to be set. Because I see the signs of an you being Played and hurt down the line. I see no love in this relationship just sex and control going on. Again this person has self esteem issues if he is always worried about what you are doing and if you work long hours you are doing this to get ahead. You got more things going on in life than Phucking him. He should know this. And if he is accusing you of sleeping around he is sleeping around one you and using the you are cheating on me as a rouse and a cover.

You are not married to him so he has nothing to say about your life and where you go. All this "Light slapping" and Chocking will only lead to more harsher treatment in the long run. You are worth more than that. And men are funny if they start of a relationship with sex they are automatically thinking that you are sexing other guys also. Which may or may not be true.

Yeah the dick may be good but it is not worth the pain in the end.

Hard to hear, but your 100% correct. Thank you.

 

[kayte]

you've gotten overwhelmingly helpful advice..
and you have a child
TAKE IT..TAKE THE ADVICE...

why must you discuss it with him?
if he...mercurial and volatile and demanding
and hyper controlling
was unable to listen to reason before
why would he.... now?

it sounds like borderline s & m......
to me..
no judgement...but w/out real trust and true love
that kind of sex play is DANGEROUS
manslaughter one...if he loses reality
&control with the choking or whatever

have I scared you?
good
leave him ..just leave him...

it's not working..this is not up for discussion
I wish you well...

then leave and
do NOT come back or allow him back
EVER....

I'm so sorry...you are better than this
wouldn't you rather a wonderful man who loves you is gentle
loves your son respects you both respects himself
and can spice things up
w/out you fearing for your life and your sanity and your son?
Believe.....

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

I think he likes the drama if you were cheating on him.

I also think that if it's weird for you you're probably not enjoying sex the way you're supposed to.

 

[Bosslady1]

talk to him about your concerns. if nothing changes, let him go.

 

[brownbeauty196]

He is abusive, it just has'nt come out fully yet. Him accusing of sleeping with other men is a form of control. You will fell a need to constantly prove him wrong. As far as choking and lightly slapping during sex, he's testing his boundaries. Imagine whats going happen when hes really pissed off. Run now girl, it doesnt sound like a deep relationship anyway.

 

[STLCoverGirl]

Sounds like abuse. Abuse comes in stages and levels. He even says hurtful things to you, always accusing you of cheating. All signs of abuse.

I agree. I wouldn't stick around for the escalation of violence. Pretty soon the choking and accusations will become expected and normal and he will move on to more violent behavior.

You have to ask yourself "where are you going to draw the line?" I wish you the best.

 

[mxdchiq86]

i was on the fence at first. i don't think you're being physically abused nearly as much as you're being mentally/emotionally abused. like previous posters have said, the problem is that you guys are not agreeing upon these sexual acts TOGETHER.. and without a certain amount of love/respect, those games are dangerous. end it while you can.

 

[cutenss]

Ok. My heart is pounding right now. This is my story, and then it should answer your question. I met a guy. It started out sexual, and yes it was GOOD! We deicded to be in a relationship. He started to accuse me of cheating. I wasn't and he knew it, because I was not a secretive person, though he was. The first act of violence was he hit my rearview mirror so hard it cracked my windshied. But he claimed he would never physically hurt me. He oten called me "stupid", "dumb", name calling. But through all this continue to profess to love me, for me. He got to the point of checking my phone, but be protective of his. Staying out all night once we started to live together. Final straw, he physically assaulted me in my car at gunpoint, threaten to blow my head off, kill my son, my family and his family. Not to mention the terror to his family that same night. That happened New Years Eve/Day. Exactly one year to the day I met him. I should have left when I started to ask my self the same question you are asking. If I would have answered it honestly, 95% of what I said, never would have happened. I ended up getting a restraining order. I found out for a fact he WAS cheating. Life is to short. And I know, that I did not want to leave my son on this earth knowing that I didn't have it in me to be a strong, independent woman. So to make a very LONG story short, and to answer your question: YES YOU ARE! You don't deserve that type of treatment. No woman does. HTH

 

[MissJ]

Yes, that is abusive and crazy!

 

[honeycomb719]

Ok ladies let me explain. Some of my friends say yes, most of them say no...Here it goes.

I've been seeing the same person since February 2009. At first we were just sleeping with each other, but now we go out, spend a little more time and of course still sleep together..So you say, whats the problem, right? Well....

My SO is Italian, 6'2 and lift weights, so standing by him I look like an ant. When we go out men don't even bother to look my way, he's very intimidating. Latley we've been arguing back and fourth, when I'm not with him he's always saying I'm sleeping with someone else and other hurtful things. Monday when we're making love he was tightly holding my neck and saying I need to stop playing games and be there with him blah blah blah..That was the first time he's done that...Yesterday while making love he "lightly" slapped my face and once again said I need to stop acting like I do blah blah blah.. I'm confused because I know some men like things like that during sex, but I don't know if it's that or if he's actually doing it bc of anger..Some of my friends say it's a sex thing, and alot of my friends say it's obvious that he's starting signs of abuse..I just wanted the opinion of ladies thats not in my circle of friends. Thx for listening.

Sounds like ABUSE to me. At NO time should a man ever put his hands on you. It seems that he like to get you in a vulnerable position when your weak, and clouded by the throws of love-making to be both physically and mentally abusive. I say get out of this relationship NOW!!
My fiance is also Italian, and he has a cold demeanor to those who dont know him, but never once has he put his hands on me. Nor has he accused me of cheating. Usually when a man thinks your cheating its them thats doing the cheating......Its their subconscious figuring "hey if I can get away with it, than maybe she's doing the same thing too"..
Whatever the case I wish you luck..

 

[Starronda]

Ok. My heart is pounding right now. This is my story, and then it should answer your question. I met a guy. It started out sexual, and yes it was GOOD! We deicded to be in a relationship. He started to accuse me of cheating. I wasn't and he knew it, because I was not a secretive person, though he was. The first act of violence was he hit my rearview mirror so hard it cracked my windshied. But he claimed he would never physically hurt me. He oten called me "stupid", "dumb", name calling. But through all this continue to profess to love me, for me. He got to the point of checking my phone, but be protective of his. Staying out all night once we started to live together. Final straw, he physically assaulted me in my car at gunpoint, threaten to blow my head off, kill my son, my family and his family. Not to mention the terror to his family that same night. That happened New Years Eve/Day. Exactly one year to the day I met him. I should have left when I started to ask my self the same question you are asking. If I would have answered it honestly, 95% of what I said, never would have happened. I ended up getting a restraining order. I found out for a fact he WAS cheating. Life is to short. And I know, that I did not want to leave my son on this earth knowing that I didn't have it in me to be a strong, independent woman. So to make a very LONG story short, and to answer your question: YES YOU ARE! You don't deserve that type of treatment. No woman does. HTH

OMG Cutenss, thank you SO much for sharing this story. I was glued to the screen and my heart was pounding while reading what happen to you because it sounds like EXACTLY what I'm going through (certainly the name calling). Like you said, I can honestly answer 95% of everything that I'm questioning. After crying last night and thinking to myself, what the hell am I doing, I still can't honestly say that I can walk away from him. Deep in my mind, I do know better because I've never invited him to my house, he's never met my son or family, they don't even know he exist, but I know some of his family and friends. Yes, I am in an abusive relationship, and no, I don't deserve this type of treatment. Thank you for your story..Really hit home.

 

[Farida]

Please, leave him. Get a restraining order, do whatever you need to do to get away. Get a close friend or family member to stop you from going back.

It is mind games! That is how it starts. He has you already trying to rationalize his behavior.

I almost dated this one guy when I was pretty young, and he used to be so smothering. He would ask to meet with me every day, and when I didn't or said I couldn't, he accused me of not liking him or seeing someone else. He would blow up my phone all the time and then leave me terrible messages because I didn't answer. Then I would tell him off, and he would call and text me endlessly trying to get me to forgive him. Apologizing, sounding so sincere, in person he would even almost cry, get down on his knees and everything.

The first 2 or so times I forgave him, but it was always the same. Smothering me, then calling me constantly, I dump him, he tells me off, then I tell him off, then he begs me and apologizes, we get back together.

Sounds familiar?

Don't look back...

 

[Starronda]

Please, leave him. Get a restraining order, do whatever you need to do to get away. Get a close friend or family member to stop you from going back.

It is mind games! That is how it starts. He has you already trying to rationalize his behavior.

I almost dated this one guy when I was pretty young, and he used to be so smothering. He would ask to meet with me every day, and when I didn't or said I couldn't, he accused me of not liking him or seeing someone else. He would blow up my phone all the time and then leave me terrible messages because I didn't answer. Then I would tell him off, and he would call and text me endlessly trying to get me to forgive him. Apologizing, sounding so sincere, in person he would even almost cry, get down on his knees and everything.

The first 2 or so times I forgave him, but it was always the same. Smothering me, then calling me constantly, I dump him, he tells me off, then I tell him off, then he begs me and apologizes, we get back together.

Sounds familiar?

Don't look back...

Yes. Very familiar

 

[honeycomb719]

OMG Cutenss, thank you SO much for sharing this story. I was glued to the screen and my heart was pounding while reading what happen to you because it sounds like EXACTLY what I'm going through (certainly the name calling). Like you said, I can honestly answer 95% of everything that I'm questioning. After crying last night and thinking to myself, what the hell am I doing, I still can't honestly say that I can walk away from him. Deep in my mind, I do know better because I've never invited him to my house, he's never met my son or family, they don't even know he exist, but I know some of his family and friends. Yes, I am in an abusive relationship, and no, I don't deserve this type of treatment. Thank you for your story..Really hit home.

What is it that is making you want to stay? Are you in love?

 

[mscocoface]

It is like a drug. You will have to stop this cold turkey. Get out now.

Even if you believe this is love it is not healthy love. For your sake and your son stop this cancerous relationship before it goes any further.

Contact a services group that will help you understand, talk with someone one on one who can be your accountability partner. You should have services in your area.

Your son needs his mother, healthy happy and whole and that is what you need for yourself.

No man absolutley NO MAN is worth putting up with this type of treatment.

Another touchy point to ask yourself is who in your past if anyone has done this to you or you have seen this done to someone in your family?

That may be another reason you "think" you want to stay it could be familiar you know how this plays out.

Either way you have the power to change this.

Hoping that you find the strength and wisdom to deal with this the right way.

 

[Nyssa28]

You've been sleeping together/together since February 09 and you can't walk away? That's only a few months, thank God it wasn't longer.....I wouldn't waste any more of my time/thoughts on this dude. erplexed

 

[Yellowflowers]

I am a professional in this field, have been an advocate for over 10 years. Yes you are definantly in an abusive relationship. The man starts off being charming but it eventually escalates. Right now he is testing you to see if you will tolerated his need to control and have power over you. It will escalate. All of these may not apply to you but these are some signs to watch out for are:

Does the person you love...
• constantly keep track of your time?

• act jealous and possessive?

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

• have affairs?

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

Your relationship is in the beginning stages and can turn nasty. I suggest that you to let him know you are uncomfortable with his sexual behavior and do not wish for it to continue and end the relationship. Abusers don't change without extended time in therapy.

I know this is not easy but in the long run you will be better off. I'm hoping that everything will work out for you and that you will always be blessed and protected.

 

[Starronda]

What is it that is making you want to stay? Are you in love?

Not sure what's making me stay, that's whats driving me crazy. I could lie to myself and say I'm just going to walk away, but I've said that before and he always tend to pull me back in. To anyone that's thinking it's just the sex that's keeping me, no I've had better to be honest with you. All of my life I've felt strong, Independent, wise, smart, beautiful, always loved by friends and family, wonderful mother, wonderful career, mentally and physically strong. Thats for the empowerment everyone and I will keep you posted on everything!

 

[glam-]

Starronda, I really hope you walk away- no discussion needed. It's only been a few months, and when I read your original post, I just thought

There is nothing to discuss with him, he will just try to keep you there- either through temporary sweetness or through intimidation. I would recommend not answering his calls or texts, and just completely moving on with my life. I think you said he doesn't know where you live, so you don't need to worry about him dropping in.

I see all kinds of red flags here.

 

[Freespirit02]

Ok ladies let me explain. Some of my friends say yes, most of them say no...Here it goes.

I've been seeing the same person since February 2009. At first we were just sleeping with each other, but now we go out, spend a little more time and of course still sleep together..So you say, whats the problem, right? Well....

My SO is Italian, 6'2 and lift weights, so standing by him I look like an ant. When we go out men don't even bother to look my way, he's very intimidating. Latley we've been arguing back and fourth, when I'm not with him he's always saying I'm sleeping with someone else and other hurtful things. Monday when we're making love he was tightly holding my neck and saying I need to stop playing games and be there with him blah blah blah..That was the first time he's done that...Yesterday while making love he "lightly" slapped my face and once again said I need to stop acting like I do blah blah blah.. I'm confused because I know some men like things like that during sex, but I don't know if it's that or if he's actually doing it bc of anger..Some of my friends say it's a sex thing, and alot of my friends say it's obvious that he's starting signs of abuse..I just wanted the opinion of ladies thats not in my circle of friends. Thx for listening.

Okay, I'm going to give it to you straight. If you have to ASK if you are in an abusive relationship..there is a 99.999 percent chance that you are! You know what makes you feel comfortable and loved..and if this doesn't feel right, then bounce. He is already starting to control you and ISOLATE YOU! He is accusing you of cheating when you aren't with him..so that you will feel bad and spend all your free time with you. Next thing you know he will be dictating who you see including your family. All I can say is bounce..don't waste a minute.

 

[honeycomb719]

Not sure what's making me stay, that's whats driving me crazy. I could lie to myself and say I'm just going to walk away, but I've said that before and he always tend to pull me back in. To anyone that's thinking it's just the sex that's keeping me, no I've had better to be honest with you. All of my life I've felt strong, Independent, wise, smart, beautiful, always loved by friends and family, wonderful mother, wonderful career, mentally and physically strong. Thats for the empowerment everyone and I will keep you posted on everything!

I think once your able to answer that question honestly you will be on the road to finding out why you feel you need to put up with a man that will do something like this to you. Its not unreasonable for you to feel a mixture of emotions, and that just what he wants.
He's making you feel like he cares for you by the connection of love-making, but all the while sending a controlling/abusive message by choking and smacking you. He's hoping that you will submmit to his demands and "act right" only to find out that pretty much anytime he feels like you are getting "outta line" these will be his tactics he uses to get you "in line".
Trust and believe it will get worse. The slaps will get harder, and the choking will too along with duration. He's in the "trying you out stage" now.
Once he sees you'll tolerate a little he will continue to push the bar until you look up and a yr or so has gone by and you are trapped (emotionally, financially, or GOD forbid a child is produced).
I encourage you just as all the other ladies have done to BE WISE!! Dont subject yourself or your son to this foolishness. YOU DO DESERVE & CAN DO BETTER!!!!!

 

[Ms Red]

I am praying for your strength. If you can find it in you to call a service for help... talk to someone (anyone) and tell them your story. If they offer meetings, GO TO THEM.

Change your phone number. Delete or change your e-mail addresses. Please, if not for you, for your son...

 

[fuchsiastar]

I'll be going over Tuesday to talk to him, and I'll go from there with what to do.

Please don't go over there! Have a very short phone conversation with him, and then end things permanently. Do not answer his calls and block his text messages. If you can't block both calls and texts then keep a log of his calls in case you need to get a restraining order. If you need to get a new cell number so be it. It's more important than your safety and LIFE. If you have valuable things at his place arrange for a male family member/buddy to pick them up or just decide to let them go and purchase new items for yourself. I'm saying this only for your safety, sometimes the abuser see's that you are serious in wanting to leave them and will turn things up to the next level. I would hate to see what that next level may turn into for you. This is a very serious situation, and I'm hoping that you will be safe. You seem like a strong person with a good support system, please end things now and don't get pulled back into this....enlist your friends and family to help if you need to, but please don't put yourself in his presence.

 

[butterfly_wings]

It's only been 4 months, I would get out now

 

[prospurr4]

Starronda, I have to agree with the other ladies. I think you should heed the signs and warnings of abuse that have been posted and get out of the relationship now. I know it is hard, but you are worth so much more than that.

So far, he has not seriously hurt you, so please don't put yourself in the position of being alone with him. Take care of yourself and your son.

 

[tarheelgurl]

If he puts his hands on your throat....trying to tell you that you need to do this and you need to that....yes you are in the begining stages of an abusive relationship. Don't be like me and excuse it all away then wait until your leg and ribs are broken to realize that you are indeed in an abusive relationship.