Am I in an Abusive Relationship? Kinda Long

[jnicole]

Been there. I am so scared for you. Get out now!

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

Yes, I think you are. And I think it is escalating. Please take care of yourself. Frankly I would get out now.

 

[Starronda]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful words of encouragement...Wow, I'm a little embarrassed b/c I didn't realize that I'm close to being one of the Lifetime Movies that I watch on tv. All of this information really hit hard. I know alot of you are saying, its only been since February, but please understand that I was single for a very long time, never wanted or was looking for a relationship at the time. I was more focused on being a single mom, and furthering my career. So when we first started, just having sex with him was great...We slowly started seeing each other everyday, talking more, texting, missing each other and just simply spending more time. No, I cant say I love him, I'm sure it's just lust, but I'm also sure that I'll get over it and move on to someone that truly loves. Someone that I don't have to be afraid of when he's drinking or just scared being around when he's upset (which is usually at me), and yes I do have some items at his house (my work pda, laptop, a few clothes, makeup, shoes, handbags, perfume and some paperwork that I would do at times I went straight over his house before going home).

I honestly don't think I need to talk to someone professionally. I think I just needed to hear it from other people outside my circle of friends. I'm glad to know that I'm not over reacting or being a Drama Queen. I'm going to take a step back to get myself together. You ladies are full of knowledge and I thank you for sharing some of your stories and your opinions. Obviously the next step is up to me...I'm not going to be online for awhile and this much needed break away with my best friend is just what I need. Hopefully I'll have something good to post about upon my return. Once again, thanks from the bottom of my heart.

 

[brsugarbabe]

Hun, it is not a sex thing. If it was a sex thing, he would not be mentioning your behavior while doing that. He aknowledges everything he is doing. AND lets say if that is something that he does like during sex, he could kill you while choking you(not realizing that it is hurting you, but it feels good to him).

 

[Keen]

He is slowly showing you his true color. Yall only have been dating 4 months. So he might have been like that all along.

 

[Keen]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful words of encouragement...Wow, I'm a little embarrassed b/c I didn't realize that I'm close to being one of the Lifetime Movies that I watch on tv. All of this information really hit hard. I know alot of you are saying, its only been since February, but please understand that I was single for a very long time, never wanted or was looking for a relationship at the time. I was more focused on being a single mom, and furthering my career. So when we first started, just having sex with him was great...We slowly started seeing each other everyday, talking more, texting, missing each other and just simply spending more time. No, I cant say I love him, I'm sure it's just lust, but I'm also sure that I'll get over it and move on to someone that truly loves. Someone that I don't have to be afraid of when he's drinking or just scared being around when he's upset (which is usually at me), and yes I do have some items at his house (my work pda, laptop, a few clothes, makeup, shoes, handbags, perfume and some paperwork that I would do at times I went straight over his house before going home).

I honestly don't think I need to talk to someone professionally. I think I just needed to hear it from other people outside my circle of friends. I'm glad to know that I'm not over reacting or being a Drama Queen. I'm going to take a step back to get myself together. You ladies are full of knowledge and I thank you for sharing some of your stories and your opinions. Obviously the next step is up to me...I'm not going to be online for awhile and this much needed break away with my best friend is just what I need. Hopefully I'll have something good to post about upon my return. Once again, thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Have fun with your BFF. You are way ahead of some of the lifetime movie women by just noticing the signs early.

 

[HAIRapy]

Thanks everyone for all of this helpful information. Even if this is not an abusive relationship, it's not a healthy one. To answer a few questions some of you had:

1. Yes. I do like that kind of sex (every once in awhile), but my SO wouldn't know that because we've never talked about it.

2. Yes he does scream/yell when he's upset. I have to admit that I do scream/yell back at him which probably makes the matter worse because we're having a screaming match at that point.

3. When I do try to leave him, he'll literally text/call me ALL night, and I always give in answer the text or phone call and we get back together.

4. Our arguments are mostly when I'm too busy to see him. Usually I work alot of hours, I have a 15 year old son at home, or I'm just plain tired and want to be alone. So he'll say that I don't love him, I'm a liar, stupid and I don't want to be with him.

I'll be going over Tuesday to talk to him, and I'll go from there with what to do.

I've never been in a situation like this. I don't know what type of hold he has on me. I'm usually the one that leaves a relationship quick when things dont feel right or if I just don't want to be bothered anymore and keep it moving. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I have alot of information and alot to think about. Thats for all of the wonderful information and opinions. Thanks for not judging but letting me know how this relationship looks from the outside looking in.

Abuse is not always physical. Just calling you names, down talking you, and constant questioning about your fidelity is abuse. I agree with the others that said that abuse comes in stages. It starts off with a overly manly-man, he's argumentative even in front of others, he's controlling and insecure, then he begins to always question you and not believing your answers, then it gets physical with the choaking and not-so-hard slapping... how many red flags do you have to see? I had these very same red flags (minus the choaking) and you know how it ended? With him throwing me around the room like a rag doll and his rage was triggered by nothing at all.

All he's going to do is tell you he's sorry, he didn't mean it, he'll get better... it's just another tactic to keep you around longer. You AND YOUR SON deserve better. You have to set an example for your son.

 

[Starronda]

Good Morning Ladies,
I’m back from my mini trip to the Poconos with my best friend (was suppose to stay for a week, but had to cut short). As promised, here’s my update:
On Sunday night my SO made dinner and invited me over. So, I go over, we had a nice dinner, nice conversation, danced a little, talked a little, he bought me a Christian Dior bag and something from VS, I put on the VS and we made love:blondboob..It was the perfect night….UNTIL….SO fell asleep (hard sleeper), ya girl got slowly out of the bed, packed the laptop, phone, perfume, shoes, clothes, Denman brush *lol*, paperwork, threw everything in my new Christian Dior overnight bag that he just bought me, gave the dog a chew toy because he was about to start acting up, tripped over his pants that were on the floor, ripped the card and letter that was given to me at dinner and left the pieces on the bed along with the Victoria Secret lingerie. I stood over the bed and looked at him for about 5 seconds and as I was about to shed a tear, I swung my BSB hair thx LHCF), smiled, put my sexy dark red spring trench coat on along with my red stilettos:reddancer:, ran down the stairs, got in my whip, opened the sunroof, played some Mary J and I felt SOOOO good! Yes, he’s been calling/texting non-stop…literally (I love you, can’t believe you did that ****, your best friend must have told you to do that, need you, want you, love you, sorry, blah blah blah). By now I would have answered and given in to him. Today marks the third day and I still feel good, he’s still calling, but I know I can do this, and I wanted to thank each and every one of you for helping me trust my instinct and realizing that abuse is abuse no matter how big or small. I pray that I’ll be strong and be able to move on with my life and not give in to my SO ever again:crossfingers:. Thanks Ladies

 

[Starronda]

Bumpity Bump Ladies

 

[TayMac]

Good job. It will die down soon. You made a great choice and I'm sure it was hard ((HUGS))!

 

[Makenzie]

Ya did good. Always trust your instincts.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

I'm glad you left him but please be careful because the way you did it.....makes me uneasy. Just don't ever get back with him.

Take care.

 

[lexi08]

I'm glad you left him but please be careful because the way you did it.....makes me uneasy. Just don't ever get back with him.

Take care.

I agree with your post. I am glad OP left, but the way it was done, not the best way to handle things IMO....... DO NOT GO BACK

 

[Sly]

................................

 

[honeycomb719]

Happy for you you found the strength OP. I just hope you continue to build on that....I know you must be thinking that you once again have missed out on love, but trust your gut. That wasnt the type of love you need, want, or deserve. Be cautious as he may not be too easy to get over how you ended things.
Wish you and your son the best.

 

[Starronda]

Happy for you you found the strength OP. I just hope you continue to build on that....I know you must be thinking that you once again have missed out on love, but trust your gut. That wasnt the type of love you need, want, or deserve. Be cautious as he may not be too easy to get over how you ended things.
Wish you and your son the best.

Thanks so much honeycomb719 for your encouraging words. I know alot of people don't agree with how I did it. I cant dwell on that right now...I did it how I fetl comfortable doing it. I had alot of valuable items over there, and that was the only way for me to get them without any issues, so I did what I had to do. The weird part is, that wasn't my intentions when I went over there, but he said a few things that were really controlling during dinner, and I knew, it was now or nothing. Once again, thanks

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks so much honeycomb719 for your encouraging words. I know alot of people don't agree with how I did it. I cant dwell on that right now...I did it how I fetl comfortable doing it. I had alot of valuable items over there, and that was the only way for me to get them without any issues, so I did what I had to do. The weird part is, that wasn't my intentions when I went over there, but he said a few things that were really controlling during dinner, and I knew, it was now or nothing. Once again, thanks

Glad you got your things.

The MAIN thing right now is to make sure you NEVER go back. You made a very bold move and if you get weak and start sliding back, he could take things to the next level, considering the way you left.

So I won't criticize how you did it... just as long as you make SURE that's the last you'll see of him! Otherwise, I fear it could get VERY ugly.

 

[MissJ]

Thanks so much honeycomb719 for your encouraging words. I know alot of people don't agree with how I did it. I cant dwell on that right now...I did it how I fetl comfortable doing it. I had alot of valuable items over there, and that was the only way for me to get them without any issues, so I did what I had to do. The weird part is, that wasn't my intentions when I went over there, but he said a few things that were really controlling during dinner, and I knew, it was now or nothing. Once again, thanks

I don't agree with how you did it, but I do understand. I had to do something similar to get away from a man who was abusing me. I had to make him feel that everything was alright before he'd let me leave his place. Then I was out like a bandit! I did end up going back after some weeks, though, so take our advice and please don't go back.

 

[angenoir]

Glad you left a potentially dangerous relationship.

In future I would advise that whatever you do, treat the other person with some dignity and respect even as you leave them (if this is possible, I know its not always possible in 100% of the cases).

Take care and all the best on your fresh start!

 

[20Pearls_Girl]

If you have to ask, then Yes!

In a normal stable relationship, this is NOT one of the questions that comes across the mind of either party.

 

[Tylers-mom]

Yes, and if you don't get out now he'll start beating you.

 

[Tamrin]

Yes and run...It will escalate.

I'm glad you left.

 

[Starronda]

Glad you left a potentially dangerous relationship.

In future I would advise that whatever you do, treat the other person with some dignity and respect even as you leave them (if this is possible, I know its not always possible in 100% of the cases).

Take care and all the best on your fresh start!

Well like you said "if it's possible". Obvious, this was a case where it wasn't possible. I always treat people with dignity and respect as long as I get that in return. All I did was treat him how I've been treated and there's nothing wrong with that...I guess whether I stayed or left there's always going to be people that would have done it differently, but either way, I'm glad I made the choice that I made. Thx

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Thanks everyone for all of this helpful information. Even if this is not an abusive relationship, it's not a healthy one. To answer a few questions some of you had:

1. Yes. I do like that kind of sex (every once in awhile), but my SO wouldn't know that because we've never talked about it.

2. Yes he does scream/yell when he's upset. I have to admit that I do scream/yell back at him which probably makes the matter worse because we're having a screaming match at that point.

3. When I do try to leave him, he'll literally text/call me ALL night, and I always give in answer the text or phone call and we get back together.

4. Our arguments are mostly when I'm too busy to see him. Usually I work alot of hours, I have a 15 year old son at home, or I'm just plain tired and want to be alone. So he'll say that I don't love him, I'm a liar, stupid and I don't want to be with him.

I'll be going over Tuesday to talk to him, and I'll go from there with what to do.

I've never been in a situation like this. I don't know what type of hold he has on me. I'm usually the one that leaves a relationship quick when things dont feel right or if I just don't want to be bothered anymore and keep it moving. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I have alot of information and alot to think about. Thats for all of the wonderful information and opinions. Thanks for not judging but letting me know how this relationship looks from the outside looking in.

You already had the answers coming into the thread. I don't think you have anything to "think" about. You have an action to perform and that's NOT contacting him for anything. Get a hold of your emotions. This is not love, it's fear. With him, it's anger. I hope this has been resolved so you can now live in peace and safety. It's simply not worth it. Anything else holding you means you are making excuses.

 

[honeycomb719]

Thanks so much honeycomb719 for your encouraging words. I know alot of people don't agree with how I did it. I cant dwell on that right now...I did it how I fetl comfortable doing it. I had alot of valuable items over there, and that was the only way for me to get them without any issues, so I did what I had to do. The weird part is, that wasn't my intentions when I went over there, but he said a few things that were really controlling during dinner, and I knew, it was now or nothing. Once again, thanks

Your Welcome...soon you'll look back on this experience and wonder what were you thinking to stay around as long as you did...

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Starronda, you did what YOU thought was the best way to handle it. Remain in a position of taking charge of who you are. Don't allow anyone, man, woman, child...to take away your position of being a woman who loves and adores herself. When you are this way....people know not to mess with you because they know that you are not the one!

I will continue to pray for you that you will make right decisions because remember....you are not alone, you have a child and you must fight...even if its just for him.

God bless you.

 

[fuchsiastar]

I'm so glad you got your items and are safe. Please never see or speak with him ever again. You were being abused, and for what it's worth you shouldn't worry about "how" you got away but "that" you got away. Please continue to be well.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

OH MY GOD!!! This is horrible.

Yes, this is abuse. He is mentally, emotionally and physically abusing you.

It's so hard to leave when you have given your body and soul to a man, but you simply must.

This guy is dangerous! DANGEROUS!!

Please leave! And please do keep up updated...

 

[brickhouse]

Star I am going to something similar so I can relate. You did what you had to do. I left some things at my ex house about a month ago and now he is refusing to give them back unless I come to his house and get them. I even offer to meet him several times in a public place that was convenient for him but he still will not budge. I was very angry at first because they are my things and not his and he just using them to control me. It's now quite comical that he has to stoop to that level to keep me in his life. He can have those things because I am out.

 

[Starronda]

Star I am going to something similar so I can relate. You did what you had to do. I left some things at my ex house about a month ago and now he is refusing to give them back unless I come to his house and get them. I even offer to meet him several times in a public place that was convenient for him but he still will not budge. I was very angry at first because they are my things and not his and he just using them to control me. It's now quite comical that he has to stoop to that level to keep me in his life. He can have those things because I am out.

You go girl! Thats exactly why I did things the way I did..I know my ex wouldn't give my things back and would play the same games your ex is playing with you (how pitiful). They just don't know when to stop. My ex has been calling each and everyday with (I love you, lets work it out, I miss you so much). Plus he's saying that he still has some of my things..lol..When I feel like I'm getting weak I'll call one of my friends or do anything else to keep myself away from him. It's harder than I expected it to be, but each day gets better and better..