Advice: Does anyone's SO/DH get mad and completely shuts down?

[aja1121]

When my SO gets mad or hurt, he completely shuts down for days at a time and won't talk or even look my way. He won't talk until he's ready. Most of the time, whatever he is mad at is a misunderstanding. I'm so sick of living in the same house with someone feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around him when he is on his period. I'm learning that men have them too. Everytime, I build up the courage to tell me we need to go our separate ways...he talks about our future together. He is 7 years my senior and I think he is done looking (from what he tells me). He talks about us buying a house, but I will not make that commitment without a ring. He'll never change, I just don't know how much more I can take. If he is going to be mad, at least have some fact, don't get mad on assumption. I do love him and he is a good man at times...I just don't know if he is for me. If I do let go, I just want to make sure I am making the right choice. I made a list of the good and bad and they are neck and neck. I'm just so confused!!!!!!!

 

[Caramela]

He will keep it going as long as you feed into that nonsense. If you keep on about your business like you are not bothered, I bet he will miraculously snap out of it! Believe I know, I'm the one that shuts down!

 

[mshoney2u]

He will keep it going as long as you feed into that nonsense. If you keep on about your business like you are not bothered, I bet he will miraculously snap out of it! Believe I know, I'm the one that shuts down!

I am glad you said that cause me too
and ITA with what you said.

 

[aja1121]

lol...i got you. Yeah, I've tried that...but he's a pro, he will just prolong it. He also plays on the fact that I am in another state and don't have any family and not that many friends here. I don't want to be petty and give him a taste of his medicine, but it may be about that time.

 

[Colliecole]

YESSSS!!!! My SO shuts down almost every time he's mad at me. And worse yet, he will deny me sex! Even if I hate you I can still do it, but not him... And I don't shut down at all, I will fight till the death! I aint shutting up until we've come to a solution, and that usually makes it worse. But yeah, he can ignore me for days. I usually don't let him though...I don't think it's right to fight under steam like I do because you end up saying things you don't mean...but it's not cool to go days with that negative energy in the house. I say they can sleep on it once, but then you gotta get some b*lls and talk about it.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

When he starts talking again..don't act like the 'silent treatment' never happened. You may feel relieved that he is coming around, but if you don't want it to happen again, your first conversation needs to be how that crap needs to stop and tell him what you said here, it's ridiculous for you to walk around your own house on egg shells during these times of his. Truth be told it's controlling manipulative behavior on his part, ESPECIALLY since you are in a state away from your friends and family and you 'can't' really be around anyone else. I'd also warn him if it happens again you are packing your ish and going to a place where people talk to you when you walk into the room.

Sounds like he needs to grow up and IMHO sounds like you should get out while you can because a communication issue can be a HUGE issue involving the success of a relationship, coupled with that the manipulation of your feelings for his own weird purposes.

 

[chicacanella]

This is a good thead. Sometimes, we can be so relieved that they are talking again, that we try to forget cause we don't want him to get mad again and don't want to start the drama all over. I don't know if that is the best route though. At some point in time, the issue of "shutting down" has to be dealt with.

But some men do this cause they don't want to lose control of their feelings and go off-off on you. Some do it for other reasons like Svelt said.

 

[BAP28]

that sucks---who wants to deal with a man or woman who shuts down allt the time--ugh

if 2 ppl cant communicate in a relationship wtf r the 2 ppl doing...

no ring...but talking about future plans--i would not stay my sanity and happiness means more to me then dealing with an adult who does not know how to communcate their feelings and has not made an attemtp to do so...and you state dit sover petty minor thigns..coem th *** on..grow up..nah i couldnt waste another minute with that man---


YY DOOOO WE WOMEN SETTLE FOR THE BULLISHH---YYYYYYYYY


THERE ARE OTHER MEN OUT THERE--MOVE ON A STAY STRONG LIFE GOES ON...

 

[chicacanella]

YESSSS!!!! My SO shuts down almost every time he's mad at me. And worse yet, he will deny me sex! Even if I hate you I can still do it, but not him... And I don't shut down at all, I will fight till the death! I aint shutting up until we've come to a solution, and that usually makes it worse. But yeah, he can ignore me for days. I usually don't let him though...I don't think it's right to fight under steam like I do because you end up saying things you don't mean...but it's not cool to go days with that negative energy in the house. I say they can sleep on it once, but then you gotta get some b*lls and talk about it.

I've read that a key strategy of couples that have been together for a long time is to never go to bed angry.

 

[chicacanella]

that sucks---who wants to deal with a man or woman who shuts down allt the time--ugh

if 2 ppl cant communicate in a relationship wtf r the 2 ppl doing...

no ring...but talking about future plans--i would not stay my sanity and happiness means more to me then dealing with an adult who does not know how to communcate their feelings and has not made an attemtp to do so...and you state dit sover petty minor thigns..coem th *** on..grow up..nah i couldnt waste another minute with that man---


YY DOOOO WE WOMEN SETTLE FOR THE BULLISHH---YYYYYYYYY


THERE ARE OTHER MEN OUT THERE--MOVE ON A STAY STRONG LIFE GOES ON...

Vested time and energy. Not wanting to have to start talking, dating, and forming new relationships. It seems easier to just work it out with the one you are with.......that is, if they are willing to change and work at it too.

 

[glamazon386]

Yes and I hate it. I think it's very childish but they don't see it that way. I agree with not paying him any mind. If him acting like that doesn't produce a reaction in you then he should stop. Maybe not right away but that should work.

 

[Angl Baby]

There should not ever be anything that two mature adults cannot discuss no matter what. That is manipulative and controlling. Once his little hissy fit is over, please talk to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Anyone who loves you and cares for you won't do that to you. I've been through that before, I loved him deeply, but I love me more. I left him.

 

[aja1121]

When he starts talking again..don't act like the 'silent treatment' never happened. You may feel relieved that he is coming around, but if you don't want it to happen again, your first conversation needs to be how that crap needs to stop and tell him what you said here, it's ridiculous for you to walk around your own house on egg shells during these times of his. Truth be told it's controlling manipulative behavior on his part, ESPECIALLY since you are in a state away from your friends and family and you 'can't' really be around anyone else. I'd also warn him if it happens again you are packing your ish and going to a place where people talk to you when you walk into the room.

Sounds like he needs to grow up and IMHO sounds like you should get out while you can because a communication issue can be a HUGE issue involving the success of a relationship, coupled with that the manipulation of your feelings for his own weird purposes.

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!!!!!

 

[aja1121]

There should not ever be anything that two mature adults cannot discuss no matter what. That is manipulative and controlling. Once his little hissy fit is over, please talk to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Anyone who loves you and cares for you won't do that to you. I've been through that before, I loved him deeply, but I love me more. I left him.

Exactly how I feel. He's upset me a lot in the past and he won't let me stay mad at him. I can't...it takes too much time and energy to stay mad at somebody.

 

[chicacanella]

Exactly how I feel. He's upset me a lot in the past and he won't let me stay mad at him. I can't...it takes too much time and energy to stay mad at somebody.

Aja, I'm not trying to be all in your business but how long does it last? A week, two at the most.

Not assuming you two are having intercourse but if you are, I bet he doesn't shut down when it is that time.

 

[aja1121]

Ok, so he just walked in the house. I just ignored him and I am about to go run some errands. He'll probably be gone by the time I get back...very typical of him. We shall see!!!

 

[SouthernJewel]

Okay. I've seen your fotki and you're beautiful with beautiful hair (had to throw that in,lol). Girl, he better stop with the foolishness before somebody comes and snatch you up. He needs to step up his communication game. What is staying mad for days on end going to do for the problem? NOTHING! I cant stand a man who doesnt know when to open his damn mouth and talk about the problem.

I wish my SO would stay mad for a whole day, he cant resist me.

 

[Colliecole]

I've read that a key strategy of couples that have been together for a long time is to never go to bed angry.

Look Chica...Either I go to bed or stay up and kill him pick one.

 

[aja1121]

Aja, I'm not trying to be all in your business but how long does it last? A week, two at the most.

Not assuming you two are having intercourse but if you are, I bet he doesn't shut down when it is that time.

The longest was a week and there would be no intercourse. So far, this one started last night. There was one last week...lol, that lasted 2 days.

 

[aja1121]

Okay. I've seen your fotki and you're beautiful with beautiful hair (had to throw that in,lol). Girl, he better stop with the foolishness before somebody comes and snatch you up. He needs to step up his communication game. What is staying mad for days on end going to do for the problem? NOTHING! I cant stand a man who doesnt know when to open his damn mouth and talk about the problem.

I wish my SO would stay mad for a whole day, he cant resist me.

awww....thank you.