InchHighPrivateEye, sorry this happened. This, being the breakup... I don't even think the argument was that bad, but I've also been in situations where there's a lack of clear communication that led to hurt feelings that led to: I'm done!
Sounds like this man loves you a lot and wants to be with you for a long, long time. He said it. And he thinks that expressing that want, being ready for you to depend on him, make babies with him, etc, relays just how much he loves you and wants you in his life long term. On the other hand, you view marriage as the gatekeeper for those steps. Understandable. And wise
I had a similar experience with my previous SO. Out of the blue, he was being extra romantic and began talking about wanting to wake up next to me everyday, see me everyday, etc. We were long distance and talking over chat during that convo. I'm looking at the computer screen like
you're going to have to marry me to do that. And that I said. To which he responded like
And then I got scared
bc I'm like uh I'm nowhere near ready.
I get the impression that that's what you are now, too. On the one hand, it's great to know that someone wants you in the way you want to be wanted, in the way other women (the vocal ones on LHCF) tell you you should be wanted, and then it happens and you're like holy snap. I'm scared! I saw your post the other day about them "coming for [you]" re: him wanting to elope and marry you. You deleted that post
but I read it.
I think the bit about you both not having a real commitment was insensitive... That's hurtful to hear from someone you've opened your heart to. And it's interesting, right? We want something in theory, and sometimes we want it to be easy, effortless, and when we get it we devalue it... We don't trust its authenticity. I was in the same boat a few years back... My ex was like, "you don't understand that I've made myself purposely open to you, bc I wanted to be open. To you. You think I do that for everyone, don't you?" Truth is, I did... and I told him. That's really hurtful.
Anyway, all this to say, I think you should have a conversation now after your feelings have calmed down... Take the hurt out of it (I really get the impression that he was very hurt about your comment about fake commitment...) and you can calmly say that while you love him very much, moving in together would have to be accompanied by a 'deeper' commitment to your relationship. And then you can be frank about whether you're even ready for that right now.
Your SO seems to be reading your comments and response as: she doesn't even want me... It sounds like there's some damage control to do. Good luck!