2012 Whats happening Relationship Folks

[Zaynab]

Well, and I don't mean to sound like I have the guts of Zaynab and barbie, but Fine 4s can't you just do like Zaynab said in her post--I'm not sure if it's this thread or the other one (I'm tag team thanking both) that men do. Actually, IIRC some of your posts I think you do. You don't have to sleep with or have serious romantic dinners with dudes, but don't cut off your male friends and if they wanna have lunch, have lunch. If you go to a work event and somebody comes up to you trying to "network" and you know it's because of the dress you have on and not because he's interested in your work then take his card and network and don't lie or make out with the man but just...know him. If your SO says, "I know somebody tried to ask you out today," just smirk confidently and change the subject. Like, you really are keeping your options open, and you he knows it and you know it, but you aren't necessarily dating multiple men. You just have a full Rolodex.

What Barbie and Zaynab are saying makes perfect sense to me and I've seen it play out well for women who use their approach, while other women of a similar age get the "bitter" label only because they've given too much of themselves. I'm exclusive with my SO right now (he's talked about elopement and I've said that I would need an engagement and a ceremony because I'm Queen Drama so we'll see how that works out) so I can't claim to just be acing their method. I know that if it's at my own risk that I take myself "off the market"; I'm lazy and I really just like spending time with him so I'm willing to take that risk but I'm not going to sit here and say that I don't understand why they would advise women to date around. It makes perfect sense. I will say, that in the spirit of what they're saying I work out and keep myself up (ain't no comfortable love weight going on over here; he asked me to share some ice cream with him last night and said "it's okay if you get fat." I said "I'm not keeping myself up just for you :") and there are plenty of guys (not guys that I want. I wants my man. But guys that will do just fine and that keep me feeling myself ) that ask "are you still with the boyfriend? Just checking " To my amusement, even his colleagues, as I mentioned a couple of posts back, have started to let him know he has competition.

So I said all that longwinded stuff to say, everyone's not going to be a G like Zaynab and barbie, but you can still keep your options open. Keep those cards. Have business lunches. Look cute. Don't let that man talk you into getting all comfortable with the love weight. And then if you and him don't work out, at least you won't be like "oh, crap! What now? "

No. Everyone is not gonna be G. You can't wake up like this, I was born this way. Barbie too. I also married my ex's best friend--so I've been a bawse for awhile *shrugs*

 

[FelaShrine]

DAMN. I'm just doomed.

Zaynab, if you love me, you'll help me with that step by step and you too Fela! Why can't we start a new thread? Z, would be too threw LOL. She'll need to certify others so they can answer on your behalf

Anyway, even if I don't get more info on this topic, I appreciate the new perspective. At the very least, it has removed any fear discussing marriage with SO. So I'm grateful for that.

Maybe I should break up with SO, then start dating him again. LOL!

I would have started taking #s and cards after the phucked up stint he pulled with the towtruck people but Im one of those mean Cappies that hold grudges so dont listen to me

You know while I said you're already trapped..who knows..if he senses that there's competition, you flirt slight etc..he just might hurry up with that purposal. You never know

Hope you're reading that thread in OT as well?

 

[Fine 4s]

Yep. I agree. Trapped and giving a man over 35 2.5 years to decide and dropping "hints". This is all absolutely wrong. And I don't mean to be glib or snarky either.

2.5 is to propose (and as you know I'm comfortable with that for variuos personal reasons.) I don't think you are being snarky, just passionate about your belief and you should if you want people to believe in it!
We've done more than hinted at it though.

*typed a long message and then stopped- Feeling like I have to justify the best relationship I ever had.*

Checking myself and reminding myself to appreciate the message and not feel defensive...

 

[Fine 4s]

I would have started taking #s and cards after the phucked up stint he pulled with the towtruck people but Im one of those mean Cappies that hold grudges so dont listen to me

You know while I said you're already trapped..who knows..if he senses that there's competition, you flirt slight etc..he just might hurry up with that purposal. You never know

Hope you're reading that thread in OT as well?

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaa-ouch!

 

[FelaShrine]

^what, was that mean?

not sure if its ouch or a sneeze..yall confuse me

 

[TayMac]

Be direct but not like an ultimatum. It's more like this is my worth and I can't accept anything less. Be nice about it but firm. I don't believe in ultimatums. It's more about say you were negotiating your salary for a new job and you are like "I need to paid this because of all my qualifications and skills"

I get it. It is long overdue so being nice will be challenging.

 

[Fine 4s]

^what, was that mean?

not sure if its ouch or a sneeze..yall confuse me

Einh, it stung a bit. Not a PERSONAL attack but einh, I feel the buuuuuurn.

I think I have tears in the corners of my eyes that haven't come down yet.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

So, I have a wedding to prepare for.....

 

[TayMac]

So, I have a wedding to prepare for.....

Some details are missing here....

 

[FelaShrine]

Einh, it stung a bit. Not a PERSONAL attack but einh, I feel the buuuuuurn.

I think I have tears in the corners of my eyes that haven't come down yet.

It wasnt a burn at you though! It was to him..why am I still mad about that towtruck ish? LOL My apologies.

 

[Fine 4s]

It wasnt a burn at you though! It was to him..why am I still mad about that towtruck ish? LOL My apologies.

Lol!
No sweat sistah...

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Some details are missing here....

Sigh. My BFF just got a ring and proposal within the last hour. They are looking to marry next September. I need to mentally and physically get it right so I can be the most supportive friend ever and enjoy her joy.

 

[Zaynab]

2.5 is to propose (and as you know I'm comfortable with that for variuos personal reasons.) I don't think you are being snarky, just passionate about your belief and you should if you want people to believe in it!
We've done more than hinted at it though.

*typed a long message and then stopped- Feeling like I have to justify the best relationship I ever had.*

Checking myself and reminding myself to appreciate the message and not feel defensive...

No. I really believe in marriage for those that want it and want women to be empowered. Don't feel defensive and I really am not being snarky

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[barbiesocialite]

No. I really believe in marriage for those that want it and want women to be empowered. Don't feel defensive and I really am not being snarky

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

Some women truly dont want marriage. I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. At the same time, there are very few women I've met few that fall into that category. Women deserve to be happy. Women deserve to accomplish their goals and live their dreams. If being a wife is one of a woman's goals, I believe she should achieve it. Failure shouldn't be an option. As for one's career or child bearing, things dont always go according to plans HOWEVER they can still be done. But reality is sometimes that means trying uncomfortable methods or starting over from scratch

If what you're doing isnt working or hasnt worked for achieving desired results, then you probably need to try something different.

 

[TayMac]

Sigh. My BFF just got a ring and proposal within the last hour. They are looking to marry next September. I need to mentally and physically get it right so I can be the most supportive friend ever and enjoy her joy.

That's "funny" because I have a relative that is getting married next year in September also and I'm asked to be a bridesmaid. Delighted for her but definitely makes me dissect my life and its current path.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Has anyone asked a male friend what they thought of this approach? I know Zaynab mentioned some of her people admitted to some of the reasons why her method makes sense. My guys aren't aggreeing and I've asked a mixture of playas, married men non cheater and married men cheater LOL

I asked my SO and he said the strategy makes good sense in principle for a woman with a fixed goal and not much time to waste. However, as I said in the other thread he said he doesn't come across women that stand by their goals very often apart from secretly hoping and praying, so he views this as cut throat, but a good idea.

Well I think this is more in regard to the transparent approach of not getting exclusive in the first place, dating as many as possible, being upfront and committing to the one that offers real commitment/engagement. He wouldn't agree with dating other people after agreement of exclusivity.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I asked my SO and he said the strategy makes good sense in principle for a woman with a fixed goal and not much time to waste. However, as I said in the other thread he said he doesn't come across women that stand by their goals very often apart from secretly hoping and praying, so he views this as cut throat, but a good idea.

Well I think this is more in regard to the transparent approach of not getting exclusive in the first place, dating as many as possible, being upfront and committing to the one that offers real commitment/engagement. He wouldn't agree with dating other people after agreement of exclusivity.

I also think for a lot of women the fruitfullness of asking men depends on the nature of the interaction/relationship. A lot of women "claim" they have heterosexual male friends but they really dont which affects the level of candidness & honesty as well as their receptiveness and perception of intent. IMO/E men arent completely open with women unless its their SO, someone they want to be a SO or a woman he considers his homegirl just like his boys.

My preference method of dating multiple men is that I have lot of guy friends. I treat them the same as I do my female friends. Legitimately close (or as close as one can possibly get to me that is lol). I know their secrets and insecurites that even some of their wives/gfs dont know. I don't have any guy friends I wouldnt date or havent dated. When we go out, its usually planned in advance and we've never gone dutch Its just that initially when I meet any men, 75% of the time he's automatically demoted to the friendship zone in my mind--even if we're technically dating

 

[BGT]

My man just left to go hunting in the woods all weekend and will probably have no cell phone reception. That means I get to party this weekend in peace but I'm still gonna miss him.

 

[curlcomplexity]

...very enlightened by the thread in OT

Zaynab and barbiesocialite are speaking some truth

Can I PM yall? I need some advice too

 

[barbiesocialite]

...very enlightened by the thread in OT

@Zaynab and @barbiesocialite are speaking some truth

Can I PM yall? I need some advice too

sure you can ask anything

I dont think I'm familar with your specific relationship-related posts tho. If its courtship/dating /boyfriend related (under a year or 2) I might be able to help. But if its post-marriage or sex related send it to Zaynab.

 

[Zaynab]

sure you can ask anything

I dont think I'm familar with your specific relationship-related posts tho. If its courtship/dating /boyfriend related (under a year or 2) I might be able to help. But if its post-marriage or sex related send it to Zaynab.

PM me yes since I saw you ask.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[Zaynab]

I get it. It is long overdue so being nice will be challenging.

I forgot your situation until you mentioned it again. I would absolutely be direct and up front. Good luck!"

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Fine 4s - are you ready to get married? If SO proposed today would you accept? Is the 2.5 yrs because you aren't ready?

If you want him to propose now, I think you have to fall back. Put some distance between the two of you, and if he asks why, let him know you are looking for a real commitment and you aren't sure the two of you are on the same page and you don't want to blur the lines between wife and gf. That's what I would do. The catch is you do have to be prepared for him to want to break up. In my eyes, that let's you know he isn't serious about marriage, but you are so invested in him, you may not really want to back off or be ready to move on. But if I were in your situation, that's what I would do. If you are ready for marriage now, I certainly wouldn't spend 2.5 more years giving him wife-type commitment only for him to decide he doesn't actually want to get married.

If you are not ready now, then you can take your time and do whatever you feel. But if you are ready and he isn't, assuming wifely responsibilities and showing him how much you love and support him is not going to speed up the process. It will only make him more comfortable with your current arrangement.

 

[Fine 4s]

Good morning...

 

[FoxxyLocs]

I just talked about this in the OT.

No, I'm not ready and I don't know enough about SO to comfortably make that determination. Also, I want to give MYSELF time to really assess whether I'm ready to be a wife. There are other less important reasons that drive my timeline. While I'm not pressed for marriage NOW I do want to be married and have a child in the next 4 IF that's the path I chose. How can I put pressure on him when I'm not 100% sure? SO has also told me if I'm not sure about him, let him know so we don't waste each other's time.

I stopped doing a lot after reading Why Men Love Bs early in our relationship.

I feel a little pressure to KNOW, to be sure. Like a college graduate who is expected to KNOW his career path. The other pressure is the good old biological clock because IF I want a child I don't want to miss that window and neither one of us wants a child out of wedlock.

Oh sorry, I'm staying out of that OT conversation. But you're right, you can't pressure him if you aren't ready. The most you can do is be open to making new male friends, and keep in contact with the ones you have already. He still has female friends (I assume) so it shouldn't be a big deal. You may want to start setting some gf/wife boundaries but they should be based on your personal comfort level, things that you want to save for your husband. Once you decide you are ready, you pretty much have to just tell him you want to get married and start seeing other people if he isn't on the same page. That could be a painful process.

 

[Zaynab]

I just talked about this in the OT.

No, I'm not ready and I don't know enough about SO to comfortably make that determination. Also, I want to give MYSELF time to really assess whether I'm ready to be a wife. There are other less important reasons that drive my timeline. While I'm not pressed for marriage NOW I do want to be married and have a child in the next 4 IF that's the path I chose. How can I put pressure on him when I'm not 100% sure? SO has also told me if I'm not sure about him, let him know so we don't waste each other's time.

I stopped doing a lot after reading Why Men Love Bs early in our relationship.

I feel a little pressure to KNOW, to be sure. Like a college graduate who is expected to KNOW his career path. The other pressure is the good old biological clock because IF I want a child I don't want to miss that window and neither one of us wants a child out of wedlock.

The biological clock part would make me want to make sure if I wasn't 100% sure about him, that I would keep other options open if possible. I like Foxylox suggestion to step back a bit and evaluate.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[Fine 4s]

Depends on WHY one is unsure.

I appreciate all the feedback but I'm happy with how my relationship is progressing ladies, never had an issue there.

I just wanted to share my thoughts on my timeline and also wanted to learn more about Zs method. There's nothing I'm trying to fix or get right now.I have no reason to pull away from my SO...just yet

Sorry ladies, I know you all wish me well....

 

[tinkat]

Loving the topic of this thread. I love moments like these. Very insightful.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours.Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[NappyNelle]

Sooooo date # 2 with Middle School went very well even though I felt like crap for most of the time. During the date, I kept getting text messages from YT guy. Um... why do you have to call 3 times and then send 8 text messages in a 5 hour time span?! erplexed Divorcee only sent two messages and ex-SO sent one; those were normal messages.

Then YT guy says "I really wanted to see you and see if you were up to anything tonight... but you didn't respond. You must have had a date lol."

I was on a date, nevertheless I just responded with, "Awww! I already had plans for tonight. Next time, let me know a day or two in advance so we can hang out. "

He responded with "Ok, will do."

Boy, you were supposed to make plans a long time ago. I can't even remember your distinguishing facial features, so I'm pretty sure you don't remember mine. Make a date, or KIM.

 

[Jas123]

Then YT guy says "I really wanted to see you and see if you were up to anything tonight... but you didn't respond. You must have had a date lol."

I was on a date, nevertheless I just responded with, "Awww! I already had plans for tonight. Next time, let me know a day or two in advance so we can hang out. "

He responded with "Ok, will do."

train them menz early on!