I must not really be a Christian or whatever because if I was I wouldn't feel like I'm about to take a pistol to the temple because I feel overly so overwhelmed. One can be grateful that things aren't far worst but still be in reality of what is their life.
Kristen, the voice that is speaking to you is a liar and there is no truth in him. It is the same spirit that tried to convince Jesus to jump from the pinnicle (highest part of a temple). That lying voice did not stop Jesus from being whom He was...the Son of God. In like manner the lying voice speaking to you cannot stop you from being whom you are, a daughter of God.
I'm calling this spirit out and exposing him for the liar that he is. Do not listen to it; you know God's Word, it is not foreign to you. Jesus said, 'My Sheep know my voice and the voice of the stranger they will not follow'. Jesus never said that we would not hear the voice of the 'liar', but He did say that we would know the difference and not follow what it says. Honey you are well aware of the difference and you will not follow the lying spirit of satan, who seeks to kill, steal and to destroy.
This lyiing spirit is seeking to take advantage of your hurts which have yet to be healed and for you to yet be set free from. And you will be set free, ALIVE and walking this earth being used mightily of God to help set others free. This is what that lying voice is trying to stifle; satan is out to stop you from what God has called you to do, which is far more powerful because of the deep wounds of your hurtful past.
Get past this. Get through this, Get over this. And you shall for you can and will do all things through Christ who strengthens you.
This is not a lecture and if I'm downing anyone, it's the devil, the enemy of your soul and not you. Never fear the devil, he's not God and cannot do anything to harm you nor stop you from yielding your all to the Lord.
Get up, allow the Holy Spirit to guide your heart to the right path of your deliverance. And please know that we all have been and/or have need of deliverance from something in this life, for it' is just that... it is life. So please do not feel singled out in weakness. All of us are weak which is why we have Jesus.
May I please recommend that you seek a good, qualified, certified, clinical therapist? God has someone that He has raised up for you to bring you to closure of your past and set you on the path to sure healing.
You are so loved here. So many are praying for you. I know of one particular member who has literally taken you into her heart and she is constantly in prayer and fasting for you. She loves you just that much and more as her little sister. Soon she will be sending you a PM. Please be strong. Each time I see those words being posted, the enemy is exposed; his lyiing spirit is recognized. The devil is a liar, there is no truth in him. Because of this, you shall not die but live and live unto the glory of the Lord.