TO RELAX OR NOT TO RELAX... LETS TALK IT OUT!

[Mandy4610]

I am sick and tired of not being able to decide.
I need some people to partner with.
Anyone else not able to make the decision?
Please share your dilemma.
Lets help each other make the DECISION.


FYI: This is not a "stay natural" or "go ahead and relax" thread. This is a place to write about where we all are at, to talk it out so that each individual can make a decision that is best for them, on their own.
We will be here to listen, share info and empathize, not criticize or tell the person what they should do.

 

[drjo91]

I personally would never go back to relaxers because of the following reasons.
1. I Hated that a relaxer would always burn my scalp.
2. The next day i would wake up with scab on my scalp and some hair stick to my scalp.
3. The hair was thinner than how the newgrowth looked on my hair, i don't like thin hair.
4. I would take care of my relaxed hair and was not able to retain length.
5. My natural hair is thicker, prettier, and i never liked relaxed hair.
6. I like curly hair wayy better than straight hair!!
7. I saw how beautiful my curls were, and i started playing with them and then i realized how cute they were.
8. TOO PAINFUL TO GO BACK!! and i don't want to follow society's beauty's standards anymore.

 

[Mandy4610]

I personally would never go back to relaxers because of the following reasons.
1. I Hated that a relaxer would always burn my scalp.
2. The next day i would wake up with scab on my scalp and some hair stick to my scalp.
3. The hair was thinner than how the newgrowth looked on my hair, i don't like thin hair.
4. I would take care of my relaxed hair and was not able to retain length.
5. My natural hair is thicker, prettier, and i never liked relaxed hair.
6. I like curly hair wayy better than straight hair!!
7. I saw how beautiful my curls were, and i started playing with them and then i realized how cute they were.
8. TOO PAINFUL TO GO BACK!! and i don't want to follow society's beauty's standards anymore.

Thanks for your response.
Glad to know that you have made your decision and are clear in what you want.
A lot of ladies on here, myself included, are struggling with this decision. It is good to hear from someone who has made a final decision.

Mandy

 

[me-T]

i'm just burnt out on the look of it ON ME. At first I was like, "maybe i need to style my hair more often" but that requires manipulation, heat, blah blah blah. i miss that cotton mass i used to have. it was more "me", it could take more abuse too. i only relaxed cause i thought i could be lazier. Wrong. my relaxed hair is weak, and the minute i fall off with care, my hair starts lookin a HAM. and right now i'm in the middle of a set back, so if i wasnt transitioning, i'd be pretty mad right now.

lemme stop before i get to rantin on and on. but lawd know i can not wait to get my fro back. i've got 1/4" right now, so i got a loooong way to go. *eyeballs the bottle of MT*

 

[Auburn]

My hair is twice if not "thrice" as thick as it was when I was relaxed. That comparison is in relation to when I flat iron my hair.

I LOVE my curlies even though they are not all alike. I can go curly, I can go straight. So much versatility. Curly hair is new to me and OH SO beautiful IMHO. Im not saying relaxed or straightened isnt. I was just thinking about not having to always be afraid of the rain. Either way, Sabino moisture block solved that problem.

As a side note, I am SO proud of my hair. I used MB and FHI platform on yes...450 a week ago. I just washed today and my curls popped back like nothing happened. <3

Relaxing is somewhat unpredictable and hazardous. Sigh, why didnt I go natural sooner!?@#

 

[SouthernTease]

I haven't been natural long enough...
I don't need to relax anyway...
my hair gets pretty straight just by using Nexxus Emergencee
and the CHI

 

[Mandy4610]

i'm just burnt out on the look of it ON ME. At first I was like, "maybe i need to style my hair more often" but that requires manipulation, heat, blah blah blah. i miss that cotton mass i used to have. it was more "me", it could take more abuse too. i only relaxed cause i thought i could be lazier. Wrong. my relaxed hair is weak, and the minute i fall off with care, my hair starts lookin a HAM. and right now i'm in the middle of a set back, so if i wasnt transitioning, i'd be pretty mad right now.
I hear you. When I was relaxed my hair was pretty healthy considering what I put it through, but my natural hair is super thick and healthy. At the same time it can be frustrating, but it is definitely healthier.

lemme stop before i get to rantin on and on. but lawd know i can not wait to get my fro back. i've got 1/4" right now, so i got a loooong way to go. *eyeballs the bottle of MT*

My hair is twice if not "thrice" as thick as it was when I was relaxed. That comparison is in relation to when I flat iron my hair.

I LOVE my curlies even though they are not all alike. I can go curly, I can go straight. So much versatility. Curly hair is new to me and OH SO beautiful IMHO. Im not saying relaxed or straightened isnt. I was just thinking about not having to always be afraid of the rain. Either way, Sabino moisture block solved that problem.

As a side note, I am SO proud of my hair. I used MB and FHI platform on yes...450 a week ago. I just washed today and my curls popped back like nothing happened. <3

Relaxing is somewhat unpredictable and hazardous. Sigh, why didnt I go natural sooner!?@#

How do you use your moisture block. I have some, but my hair still shrinks. Shrinkage is one of my biggest natural frustrations. I know that it is part of being natural, but my hair shrinks unevenly which makes it look really strange at time. Some times I have 4 different lengths on my head.

I haven't been natural long enough...
I don't need to relax anyway...
my hair gets pretty straight just by using Nexxus Emergencee
and the CHI

I love you texture, i can see how going straight with a CHI would not be a problem for you.
My hair does get pretty straight, but still has quite a bit of my natural texture, which is good, but my hair is so dry and brittle.
I need to find a good moisturizer for my hair type.

 

[RedVelvet310]

I'm kind of back and forth.. I'm a planner.. so I look towards the future.. my hair hits about Collar Bone stretched.. and its pretty thick... I would love to try anf relax/texlax it but I'm afaraid that I won't find a good stylist (that practices healthy hair care).. that the relaxer results won't be to my satisfaction.. I may regret it.. or I may relax it once and then not do it again out of sheer lazines and end up chopping it off and transitioning again. So for now while I decide (and search for a good stylist ) I stay natural and straighten with Castor Oil and a Flat Iron (try it out the results are prety incredible)

 

[WhipEffectz1]

I might texlax pretty soon. I can't be bothered. My hair likes to have relations with each other so as it gets longer, it become more annoying which results in knots and everything else.

 

[hopeful]

Hi Mandy , this is a good thread. I recently did my first touch up, 12 weeks after my virgin relaxer/texturizer. So far so good. I relaxed straighter this time, now I'm more texlaxed. I am very happy and much less stressed now.

Every now and then I'll pass a natural sister with hair similiar to mine, I pause for a moment, I have a small sense of loss, a vague sadness, a slight yearning for my natural hair. But the feeling is faint, not strong at all, if it should ever grow and become intense I would transition back to natural in a heartbeat.

I am happier now as a relaxed/texlaxed person, I feel much less stressed and my hair is so much less consuming. And to see my length on an on-going basis is very very satisfying for me. I had craved sl hair since I was 13 and it always eluded me. Being natural got me here so I am soooo grateful but I think because I wanted sl hair so bad I could not stand not being able to see and show my length often. And even with a beautiful, hard, professional press/flat-iron my hair still shrunk back up quickly, so on-going flat-iron sessions did not seem to be the answer.

The decision to relax again became easier when I focused on what would make me happier and less stressed, and on the fact that the decision was not permanent, in that in a matter of weeks I could bc again or begin a transition. But, I struggled for months before I came to my decision. I had many sleepless nights, and often I would wake up first thing in the morning thinking about what I should do.

One member said that being in the valley of decision is the worst feeling, I pray most of you come out of the valley soon.

 

[ghanja]

Well, I have too struggled with this. My mother went natural about 1 month before me so that has helped a lot. When I start to get discouraged I can visualize what my hair would look like at an inch or so longer. Her hair is finer than mine and has far less shrinkage so it looks more like 3 inches more.
I also bought a jumbo afro wig from a halloween shop so I could visualize 2 or so years down the line. I had to line it up and all though.
I truly and honestly feel that the chemicals in relaxers could be doing some mass damage to our brains and our health. I feel that the younger generation, especially young girls are looking to us to see what we find "sexy" and I want not only my daughter but all daughters to know that they are created in God's image and thus they are perfect the way that they are...I also wonder what if...What if the black women around the world didnt perm or chemically alter their hair and just took the time out to take care of it. As a poster said in a previous post "nobody could touch me" A bunch of black girls with long healthy hair natural or permed...would own

On the other hand I know the positive aspects of perms since I was a permed head for 15+ years. Its more manageable in a sense, you fit in with society more, Who doesn't love long flowing hair?? lol and when your hair is curly it takes that much longer for hair to "appear" long. Straight hair is just as beautiful as curly and nappy hair so to each their own .

You also attract different types of people with your hairstyles. When I was a permed head I attracted type A people. The ones that fit into their box and want to control things, the leaders or the sociopaths one would say. With a nappy head I attract more natural spirits. A lot of rasta and hippies and the trouble makers. So its definately a personal decision.

I would ask you what are your *personal* reasons for your hair choices and what do you want out of life.

 

[Napp]

well texturizing and being natural both stress me out alot but in different ways but my hair feels more moisturized when natural and dosent break as easily.Chems ALWAYS make my hair break off unless i am touching up regularly and i am not used ot touch ups. the texturized parts curls get defined with little or light product but it looks so ugly when it dries.(it looks fake and unnatural which i dont like)

Id rather have my natural poodle-like hair.No more chems for me.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I've been researching the relax threads for the past month. I will probably give myself six months or so to decide as it's a serious decision. Right now I'm all natural, but I flat iron and cross wrap to keep it straight most of the time. When it isn't straight, I have to worry about so much. Also when I wash, it takes me hours to detangle, and that's bee n the way it is always as I have so much thick hair. I don't air dry as it takes over a day to dry and I catch a cold waiting. So I know I'm chained to the house sunday in order to style my hair, and frankly I'm sick of it. I'm closing in on Mid back (stretched) and I know when I get to waist, I may just slap on some relaxer. That's horrible, but I was once pro natural, until my hair got to a certain length...then I was like, I need to spend less then five hours doing my hair GOD help me!

 

[Mandy4610]

I'm kind of back and forth.. I'm a planner.. so I look towards the future.. my hair hits about Collar Bone stretched.. and its pretty thick... I would love to try anf relax/texlax it but I'm afaraid that I won't find a good stylist (that practices healthy hair care).. that the relaxer results won't be to my satisfaction.. I may regret it.. or I may relax it once and then not do it again out of sheer lazines and end up chopping it off and transitioning again. So for now while I decide (and search for a good stylist ) I stay natural and straighten with Castor Oil and a Flat Iron (try it out the results are prety incredible)

I feel like I am the queen of back and forth
I have the worst time trying to figure out what I should do. I think texlaxing is the middle, kind of best of both worlds.
I wish I could flat Iron, but my hair is still pretty short. I tried it once though.

I might texlax pretty soon. I can't be bothered. My hair likes to have relations with each other so as it gets longer, it become more annoying which results in knots and everything else.

As my hair grows longer, it is starting to knot up too. When I detangle, my whole bathroom is covered in hair

Hi Mandy , this is a good thread. I recently did my first touch up, 12 weeks after my virgin relaxer/texturizer. So far so good. I relaxed straighter this time, now I'm more texlaxed. I am very happy and much less stressed now.

Every now and then I'll pass a natural sister with hair similiar to mine, I pause for a moment, I have a small sense of loss, a vague sadness, a slight yearning for my natural hair. But the feeling is faint, not strong at all, if it should ever grow and become intense I would transition back to natural in a heartbeat.

I am happier now as a relaxed/texlaxed person, I feel much less stressed and my hair is so much less consuming. And to see my length on an on-going basis is very very satisfying for me. I had craved sl hair since I was 13 and it always eluded me. Being natural got me here so I am soooo grateful but I think because I wanted sl hair so bad I could not stand not being able to see and show my length often. And even with a beautiful, hard, professional press/flat-iron my hair still shrunk back up quickly, so on-going flat-iron sessions did not seem to be the answer.

The decision to relax again became easier when I focused on what would make me happier and less stressed, and on the fact that the decision was not permanent, in that in a matter of weeks I could bc again or begin a transition. But, I struggled for months before I came to my decision. I had many sleepless nights, and often I would wake up first thing in the morning thinking about what I should do.

One member said that being in the valley of decision is the worst feeling, I pray most of you come out of the valley soon.

Hopeful, I love reading your posts, you always post with a lot of thought.
I appreciate your feedback. I am with you on focusing on what makes me happy and less stressed.
I think I am more stressed now than I have ever been about my hair. I don't know if this is because I am natural or if it is because I know more about hair care now.
I have always seen hair as hair..no big deal....but now it is different.
I would like to try texlaxing, but what if I don't like it? I don't want to cut my hair again anytime soon.
It is easier to transition to natural from texlaxed?

 

[Auburn]

Hi Mandy. I only use it before flat ironing.

 

[Mandy4610]

I've been researching the relax threads for the past month. I will probably give myself six months or so to decide as it's a serious decision. Right now I'm all natural, but I flat iron and cross wrap to keep it straight most of the time. When it isn't straight, I have to worry about so much. Also when I wash, it takes me hours to detangle, and that's bee n the way it is always as I have so much thick hair. I don't air dry as it takes over a day to dry and I catch a cold waiting. So I know I'm chained to the house sunday in order to style my hair, and frankly I'm sick of it. I'm closing in on Mid back (stretched) and I know when I get to waist, I may just slap on some relaxer. That's horrible, but I was once pro natural, until my hair got to a certain length...then I was like, I need to spend less then five hours doing my hair GOD help me!

This is one of my concerns. My hair is not even neck length and I am already struggling with tangles. I am losing quite a bit of hair just trying to detangle ear length hair
I can only imagine what bsl hair would be like.

 

[Mandy4610]

Hi Mandy. I only use it before flat ironing.

I see....maybe I am using it wrong. I have been using it for blowdrying
I blow dry and then I use a hot air brush.
My hair starts to shrink as soon as I turn the hot air brush off.

 

[Mandy4610]

Bumpity Bump

 

[luckiestdestiny]

This is one of my concerns. My hair is not even neck length and I am already struggling with tangles. I am losing quite a bit of hair just trying to detangle ear length hair
I can only imagine what bsl hair would be like.

Exactly,and I'm about to change my avatar and claim mid back in about a month or so, as I'm just right...there...but not. So it's annoying detangling. I really wanted to stay naturally to stay true, so to speak, but I've decided the whole stay true thing is b.s. You should stay true to yourself, not what others say is "real". I may relax because then I can actually have my Sunday's back! Isn't that the Lord's day of rest, becasue right now it ISN'T for me.

 

[oooop2]

I LOVED my natural BC hair. Wore it that way for 8yrs. I chose to be natural b/c I wanted an effortless style. Then I moved to Japan away from my barber and Dh asked me to grow it out. So I agreed. I have loved my natural hair until I hit APL. Now I am not loving my hair all that much. My hair also love having relations, so I have all these tiny knots along the bottom of my strands. Which I am addicted to pulling off, breaking my hair in the process. I am TIRED of wearing twist b/c I tend to style my daughters hair this way and feel like I look like a kid. Not really feeling the fro/twistout look anymore. I've been wearing a bun daily for almost 2 months, but I'm also not loving this style.

I was never 1 that had any issues w/perms. I just wanted a change and got cheap so I decided to whack my SL perm off and rock a BC.

However, I am the only blk woman image my girls see on a daily basis. It got to a point where my daughter (age 5) started questioning her looks and hated her hair b/c it wasn't straight like her friends. I've prayed about it and started talking to my daughter about how pretty she is and how although our hair is different from her friends, it's beautiful none the less. She now come to a point where she is accepting of herself and actually loves and plays w/her kinky hair. She hasn't made mention of wanting to have hair like her friends in months. So I feel like I need to keep my hair like this if I want my daughter to continue to be proud of her hair. I just need to find a style that I am happy with. Or better yet, go back to my beloved BC. But then, my daughters won't have to opportunity to play in my hair....Oh my struggle!!!!

 

[Mandy4610]

I LOVED my natural BC hair. Wore it that way for 8yrs. I chose to be natural b/c I wanted an effortless style. Then I moved to Japan away from my barber and Dh asked me to grow it out. So I agreed. I have loved my natural hair until I hit APL. Now I am not loving my hair all that much. My hair also love having relations, so I have all these tiny knots along the bottom of my strands. Which I am addicted to pulling off, breaking my hair in the process. I am TIRED of wearing twist b/c I tend to style my daughters hair this way and feel like I look like a kid. Not really feeling the fro/twistout look anymore. I've been wearing a bun daily for almost 2 months, but I'm also not loving this style.

I was never 1 that had any issues w/perms. I just wanted a change and got cheap so I decided to whack my SL perm off and rock a BC.

However, I am the only blk woman image my girls see on a daily basis. It got to a point where my daughter (age 5) started questioning her looks and hated her hair b/c it wasn't straight like her friends. I've prayed about it and started talking to my daughter about how pretty she is and how although our hair is different from her friends, it's beautiful none the less. She now come to a point where she is accepting of herself and actually loves and plays w/her kinky hair. She hasn't made mention of wanting to have hair like her friends in months. So I feel like I need to keep my hair like this if I want my daughter to continue to be proud of her hair. I just need to find a style that I am happy with. Or better yet, go back to my beloved BC. But then, my daughters won't have to opportunity to play in my hair....Oh my struggle!!!!

It is even tougher when you have someone looking up to you.
I think this is why sometimes I think texlaxing is the way to go for me, because then I can still wear somewhat of a puff and then I won't lose so much hair in the detangling process.
Since I became natural, I have so many compliments on my hair and so many people saying it looks good, I feel like if I relax I will be disappointing some people that have been following my journey.
You have a tough decision because you daughter looks up to you. If you do decide to relax you might have to start the conversation with her ahead of time to let her know why you are doing it and then see if she understands before you actually do it, she's 5 so I don't know how much she would understand.
All the best!!

 

[Mandy4610]

Bumping.....

 

[asummertyme]

I was natural a few years back and i dont think i will be going tha route again anytime soon..i just couldnt take the knots and figuring out wich products would get a comb thru it..i would cry when it was time to wash it...
so for right now i am sticking to relaxing..
I think if i ever do decide to go natural again, i will loc my hair...or sister loc it...

 

[glamazon386]

I'm thinking about relaxing mainly because I feel like I can't do anything with my hair. It's always covered up. I don't really have any problems with it. I don't have tangles/knots, it's' not dry, etc. But I'm 2 years in and I think I'm just over the whole being natural thing. I don't have many style options with my own hair. I don't like how twistouts/braid outs look in this inbetween stage. I can't get it to stand up in a fro like I want. If it's out it usually ends up in a bun.

 

[asummertyme]

I'm thinking about relaxing mainly because I feel like I can't do anything with my hair. It's always covered up. I don't really have any problems with it. I don't have tangles/knots, it's' not dry, etc. But I'm 2 years in and I think I'm just over the whole being natural thing. I don't have many style options with my own hair. I don't like how twistouts/braid outs look in this inbetween stage. I can't get it to stand up in a fro like I want. If it's out it usually ends up in a bun.

thats how i was too, i hardly ever wore it out..i stayed in braids and weave anyways...erplexed i feel u..

 

[AtlantaJJ]

My hair is twice if not "thrice" as thick as it was when I was relaxed. That comparison is in relation to when I flat iron my hair.

I LOVE my curlies even though they are not all alike. I can go curly, I can go straight. So much versatility. Curly hair is new to me and OH SO beautiful IMHO. Im not saying relaxed or straightened isnt. I was just thinking about not having to always be afraid of the rain. Either way, Sabino moisture block solved that problem.

As a side note, I am SO proud of my hair. I used MB and FHI platform on yes...450 a week ago. I just washed today and my curls popped back like nothing happened. <3

Relaxing is somewhat unpredictable and hazardous. Sigh, why didnt I go natural sooner!?@#

ITA:

Love your hair BTW, I think mine is a simular length and texture. I'm definately going to have to get that SB Moisture Block when I start straightening.

More on topic:
I so gald I stopped relaxing because quite simply my hair is much thicker and my hair is healthy. I guess some folk's hair can take relaxers better than others. My fine 4a's strands prefer I leave the relaxers alone. Plus I just can not tollerate another relaxer related setback.

 

[Auburn]

ITA:

Love your hair BTW, I think mine is a simular length and texture. I'm definately going to have to get that SB Moisture Block when I start straightening.

More on topic:
I so gald I stopped relaxing because quite simply my hair is much thicker and my hair is healthy. I guess some folk's hair can take relaxers better than others. My fine 4a's strands prefer I leave the relaxers alone. Plus I just can not tollerate another relaxer related setback.

Ms JANET! I missed you.
Cieramichele here.

 

[aribell]

Went natural about 5 years ago as a way of accepting myself just the way I am. Mission accomplished.

Now, it's a more practical matter. I'm definitely feeling you all with the knots and tangles, and I do not look forward to detangling bsl natural hair. Plus, looking back at pictures of my relaxed hair, I realize that it wasn't all that damaged and could probably handle it. I let my hair get so dried out as a natural that it pre-LHCF it never got to the length it was when relaxed. So my natural hair requires just as much care as my relaxed hair did.

But, I also realize that part of my frustration with my natural hair is the limited number of styles I can do at this length. So, I scour the threads and fotkis for natural 4b inspirations, and when I see how gorgeous their hair is at those lengths, I'm motivated to keep moving. Sera252 has a particulaly awesome fotki (http://public.fotki.com/Sera252/). Also Poetist.

If I keep it in my mind that I can get there, then I'm okay with being natural. Plus, I know if I relaxed, then when my hair got long I'd end up wanting to transition back eventually...so I might as well just be patient now.

Something I don't like as much about being natural is that I really do prefer myself with straight hair. I feel like I look more like "me". And I find that a lot more men find me attractive with straight hair--long or short (possibly because I honestly feel more attractive). Yeah, that's not going to make or break anything, but it is something that I notice. I'm just gonna keep on truckin', though.

 

[hopeful]

I also wanted to add that if and when you decide to relax make sure you really put time into planning for it. A lot of people just throw their hands up, go to walgreens, grab whatever relaxer they can find and just do it. Then they become frustrated with how their hair turns out. Think long and hard about whether you want to go with lye or no-lye because there is a difference. Test a small section first to make sure you hair likes the relaxer and to figure out timing. Add some oil to the relaxer--a little olive oil or coconut oil makes the relaxer creamier, gives you more time, and it always seems to help the relaxer "take" better. There is a poster here (can't remember her name) but she's always saying how the relaxer you choose lays the foundation for everything else.

 

[nomoweavesfome]

I am sick and tired of not being able to decide.
I need some people to partner with.
Anyone else not able to make the decision?
Please share your dilemma.
Lets help each other make the DECISION.


FYI: This is not a "stay natural" or "go ahead and relax" thread. This is a place to write about where we all are at, to talk it out so that each individual can make a decision that is best for them, on their own.
We will be here to listen, share info and empathize, not criticize or tell the person what they should do.

I am totally back and forth and undecided. I wish I could give rave about how great I believe natural hair is for me, but I can't and maybe it's too early to tell still yet. I wish I could rave about hpw great a relaxer is for me but I can't do that either. I'm just so sick of it - I actually wrote a blog on this.