**** you

[LovinLea]

I've been with SO for a year but might be done.

We were arguing about how I did not take him seriously when he was upset about something. After apologizing to him and arguing with him for another 30 minutes on the subject, I finally just said "Okay, let's continue to go on about how I can better serve you".

He says, "You say that like I don't do anything for y--**** you! **** you!" Yelling that.

It was just so shocking, the intensity and disrepectfulness of it. Am I being drastic?

 

[Babysaffy]

No, you're not. It will only do downhill from here if you accept that.

If you choose to give him a chance have a good word with him if he's never talked to you like that before but make it clear you won't be spoken to like that. EVER.

 

[Lucie]

Nope! Those words should have never left his lips! I am sorry he spoke to you like that honey. Did he seem remorseful afterwards?

 

[LovinLea]

He's apologized a few times but that's not doing anything for me right now.

 

[getoffmylawn]

Once someone says something like that it can't be taken back and things usually escalate if the relationship continues. I mean once you are comfortable with him saying f*** you, he knows it can't hurt you so then it will be f*** you ***** and so on and so forth. If it were me....I'd dump him cold turkey. The only men I've ever heard use that kind of language with a wife or gf were complete and utter garbage anyways. You can do better.

 

[Evolving78]

you don't have to tolerate being talked to like that. i understand it was a heat of the moment conversation, so take it with a grain of salt. but you need to check him. tell him you don't care how much he gets angry, etc.... he better not ever talk to you like that again. tell him you are not cool with him talking to you like some random arse person in the alley.

oh and your comment to him would have pissed me off too. i would have hung up, or told you i'm done talking and left you alone for awhile.

i believe from your statement, you weren't getting it and that sounded way too sarcastic. and if someone is telling you about how they feel, there is no point in arguing about that. those are their feelings. you need to listen, take what they say in, and go from there. once you apologized, that was it on your part. the rest was him just ranting and venting. you sound like you weren't sincere to begin with. you kept defending yourself instead of being apologetic.

 

[LovinLea]

you don't have to tolerate being talked to like that. i understand it was a heat of the moment conversation, so take it with a grain of salt. but you need to check him. tell him you don't care how much he gets angry, etc.... he better not ever talk to you like that again. tell him you are not cool with him talking to you like some random arse person in the alley.

oh and your comment to him would have pissed me off too. i would have hung up, or told you i'm done talking and left you alone for awhile.

i believe from your statement, you weren't getting it and that sounded way too sarcastic. and if someone is telling you about how they feel, there is no point in arguing about that. those are their feelings. you need to listen, take what they say in, and go from there. once you apologized, that was it on your part. the rest was him just ranting and venting. you sound like you weren't sincere to begin with. you kept defending yourself instead of being apologetic.

It's like you're quoting him. I just don't understand ranting and venting so long after the apology.

 

[Evolving78]

It's like you're quoting him. I just don't understand ranting and venting so long after the apology.

LovinLea

i do that. i am that person that will go on and on. i need to get everything out. i need you to understand where i am coming from. so i will just dump it all on you. but i understand how you feel too. my grandfather used to go on and on. he would follow you from room to room. my dad can drag things out too.

but you better not say OK, I GET IT, or I SAID I WAS SORRY! just allow that person to vent. my SO will cut me off and will ask am i done. i usually want to go for his neck when he says that. i will tell him yeah, but i will get quiet and not talk to him at all. that really pisses me off!

people like me don't like being cut off!

 

[allmundjoi]

So y'all would leave a man for saying 'phuck you'? Oh, ok.

I will add I've never had a man say that to me.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Is this the first time this "not taking him seriously" has come up as a problem?

If it has been a few times I think the issue would be that he doesn't want an apology, he wants you to fully understand, so it doesn't happen again. Thats why he may have kept ranting after your apology. Then again I don't know what was said in the argument.

The cursing, I think he lost it. If it's an ultimate deal breaker for you, get rid of him. I personally think if he didn't curse at that time, he would have said something equally as piercing without cursing because he was lashing out at the end of the day through hurt by that last comment.

You could either try to sort it out and find out why he went over the edge (feelings) wise, while making it clear that the language was unacceptable despite that. Or get rid if the relationship is a nightmare IDK lol.

ETA: I don't think its right to rant after an apology, just saying that's why that may have happened. He needs to talk calmly with you

 

[MD_Lady]

LovinLea- I agree with shortdub78 and Vanthie and I think they made some EXCELLENT points. I also think you and your SO need to learn how to argue. SO has to understand that, if he feels you're hearing him but not really listening, he needs to tell you that directly. I agree that people belabor a point when they don't feel it's been addressed, but that point will continue to go unaddressed when all the other person hears is Of course, we don't know the history of this discussion, but you could need to be more upfront with how you feel about what he's saying. If you feel you've truly done your best to give him what he needs and don't understand why it's not sufficient, you need to ask him that.

 

[hopeful]

He's apologized a few times but that's not doing anything for me right now.

That's how he felt when you apologized. It wasn't doing anything for him. Sometimes saying you're sorry is necessary, but not enough. Sometimes a person just wants to be heard and sometimes they go on longer than you want, such is life. Even though it was wrong for him to curse at you, it is also wrong that you are now focused on your hurt feelings instead of trying to resolve what you were arguing about in the first place. JMHO.

 

[MD_Lady]

He's apologized a few times but that's not doing anything for me right now.

You have every right to be angry and he needs to fall back and give you your space. Do your arguments generally take this turn?

 

[LovinLea]

LovinLea

i do that. i am that person that will go on and on. i need to get everything out. i need you to understand where i am coming from. so i will just dump it all on you. but i understand how you feel too. my grandfather used to go on and on. he would follow you from room to room. my dad can drag things out too.

but you better not say OK, I GET IT, or I SAID I WAS SORRY! just allow that person to vent. my SO will cut me off and will ask am i done. i usually want to go for his neck when he says that. i will tell him yeah, but i will get quiet and not talk to him at all. that really pisses me off!

people like me don't like being cut off!

I said all those things. erplexed Now that I know he needs to vent, I don't mind listening but I wish I would've known before he crossed that line.

Is this the first time this "not taking him seriously" has come up as a problem?

If it has been a few times I think the issue would be that he doesn't want an apology, he wants you to fully understand, so it doesn't happen again. Thats why he may have kept ranting after your apology. Then again I don't know what was said in the argument.

The cursing, I think he lost it. If it's an ultimate deal breaker for you, get rid of him. I personally think if he didn't curse at that time, he would have said something equally as piercing without cursing because he was lashing out at the end of the day through hurt by that last comment.

You could either try to sort it out and find out why he went over the edge (feelings) wise, while making it clear that the language was unacceptable despite that. Or get rid if the relationship is a nightmare IDK lol.

ETA: I don't think its right to rant after an apology, just saying that's why that may have happened. He needs to talk calmly with you

This is the first time that he's mentioned it to me but he says that he has been feeling this way for a while. I don't know what I'm doing to make him feel that way...I do listen to him, but I will find out.

You have every right to be angry and he needs to fall back and give you your space. Do your arguments generally take this turn?

No, that's why I found this shocking. Normally he's a sweet guy.

Y'all are making me think twice about him.

 

[Whimsy]

I don't care WHAT you were discussing or how sarcastic or whatever you were being....that's a HUGE line of disrespect that has been crossed and cannot be uncrossed.

You now have to decide if you're willing to be spoken to like that in your relationship, because guess what. you're going to fight again, and he's going to say it again....and then go even further perhaps.

 

[lux10023]

iunno in my 30 yrs ive never had a man say f-U to me...and trust my mouth is no jokeeee...and i know ive pushed past boo's buttons or dh ..etc

harsh statement--i have no real advice for OP but hmmmm...the way a man speaks to a women is very important to me...you being sarcastic did not warrant that kind of response---
now if you two were cussing each other out back and forth and etc etc then i could tiny bit see how he couldve used that word--but with the visciousness and venom--idk...

not sure if he was having a bad day or just had enough of the issue..but good luck

 

[PeaceFlow]

This is the first time that he's mentioned it to me but he says that he has been feeling this way for a while. I don't know what I'm doing to make him feel that way...I do listen to him, but I will find out.

This is the problem right here. He kept it all stored up in himself, then when he let it out it went wild.

I believe if this is the first time he's let you know then it was unfair of him to kick off like this. He needs to apologize and see that he cant get himself all upset when you didn't even know this was an long term issue until now. Usually when people store issues up, when they finally do say something it comes out accusatory which then leads the other person to feel a bit defensive etc.. = a bad situation.

 

[Fine 4s]

Men have feelings too...
I'm torn because I think I can get mad enough to say those words and I'm totally Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet lol...Just being honest.

I know folks who can say some pretty hurtful things and go pretty low without using profanity.

 

[Evolving78]

Men have feelings too...
I'm torn because I think I can get mad enough to say those words and I'm totally Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet lol...Just being honest.

I know folks who can say some pretty hurtful things and go pretty low without using profanity.

profanity is minor to me. some folks have such a way with words that it can cut you pretty deep. i was married to someone that thrived off of verballing destroying someone or verballing defecating on their existence.

 

[ChasingBliss]

That's how he felt when you apologized. It wasn't doing anything for him. Sometimes saying you're sorry is necessary, but not enough. Sometimes a person just wants to be heard and sometimes they go on longer than you want, such is life. Even though it was wrong for him to curse at you, it is also wrong that you are now focused on your hurt feelings instead of trying to resolve what you were arguing about in the first place. JMHO.

WOW, the bolded spoke to me. Good point hopeful. I think this is the way I get in disagreements with dh. He can be very blunt person, if your skin is thin....youre done for. At times I can be the same way.

OP, I havent experienced this exactly, but I do understand how you feel.

 

[Fine 4s]

profanity is minor to me. some folks have such a way with words that it can cut you pretty deep. i was married to someone that thrived off of verballing destroying someone or verballing defecating on their existence.

I would much rather someone swear at me in the heat of the moment than use my past feelings/thoughts that are very personal to me, against me. That's a betrayal of trust, trusting you with my vulnerabilities.
Like someone I know telling someone "you're nothing be [insert name] washcloth" or "I bought you for [amount of dollars]"
Ouch!

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I know you say you are listening to him but its clear he does not feel like he's being heard.

I agree that your response did come off as condescending - as if your saying sorry was enough. I do think you both need to take a day to cool off then sit down and listen to each other. If he's not normally a cusser/disrespectful person I would not shut him down over one argument. I've been that person - it took an EPIC argument for him to get how serious I was and it pissed me off that I had to go there for him to stop taking my feeling on the subject for granted. Until then he just didn't get it because we were not speaking the same language. If you haven't read it get the 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman). Yes some of it is self help phooey but some of it is valid - at least it helps explain how two people can see and respond to the same actions differently.

I don't know what the specifics are in your case (not should you post them) and in no way am I assuming he's 100% right (or you 100% wrong) just suggesting you stop for a second and stop thinking that he should feel the way that you want him to (once you said sorry it was enough). You have to accept that you still don't know what/why he's feeling the way that he is and (if you want to fix it) then you've got to give him opportunity to express it in his words. You may never get his point of view but you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. Once you know you can either respect it and act differently or you both move on. Good Luck.

 

[itismehmmkay]

LovinLea

i do that. i am that person that will go on and on. i need to get everything out. i need you to understand where i am coming from. so i will just dump it all on you. but i understand how you feel too. my grandfather used to go on and on. he would follow you from room to room. my dad can drag things out too.

but you better not say OK, I GET IT, or I SAID I WAS SORRY! just allow that person to vent. my SO will cut me off and will ask am i done. i usually want to go for his neck when he says that. i will tell him yeah, but i will get quiet and not talk to him at all. that really pisses me off!

people like me don't like being cut off!

Yeah I had to learn that b/c I'm quick to be like....okay w/ all the bullish...what did we learn from this and let's move on. How we not gone do this no more. And I'm always dealing w/ emotional dudes who like to pout and drag ish on.

But the f-u thing. Well....I've said f-u to ppl I've been with. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes forreal forreal. But if that's not how you talk or how ya'll go there w/ arguments, then no you're not overreacting.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

If him cursing at you is a deal breaker, then it is. Don't feel guilty about it. A year is around the time when the true colors really start to show, so if you see something you don't like, don't ignore it. You can let him know how you feel and give him another chance, but if it happens again, that's it. Let him know that you're still willing to address the issues he has with you, but it's not ok to speak to you that way when he is upset no matter what the circumstances are.

 

[ManeStreet]

Arguing for 30 minutes... That means there was a whole lot said by both of you. And I dont know what all either one of you said prior to the f**k u comment.

Cursing at me is a deal breaker for me. But there are also sarcastic, mean, condescending, instigating ways of talking to a person that do not include cursing however it's equally disrespectful as cursing at someone. Only you know if you were doing that or not.

 

[deltagyrl]

Whoa.

I'm not feeling that at ALL and I would have to say that would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

[Oneprettypa]

Uhhh no ma'am... You need to have more words in your vocabulary to express how you feel even when you're upset. That would absolutely be a no go for me.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I've said *** you to SO before. *shrug* I said it several times because he said something totally ridiculous and that was the only way i could express myself at that point I remember i told him *** you like twice and then said "you got the game effed up" Sometimes we go there. It is what it is. We also say it when we are joking around. I don't know op. I have no answers but wanted to offer a different perspective.

 

[DrC]

I think both of you were in the wrong. I can't speak for your relationship, and I don't think "**** you" should be a deal breaker. All relationships are not perfect. Couples get angry at each other and may say things they don't mean in the heat of anger, however after the war of words you all need to sit down a talk to each other about your feelings. He felt you weren't taking him seriously (which probably hurt his feelings) and you felt hurt when he took it too far saying "**** you. Both of you need to sit down and talk about your feelings, what hurts, what needs to be done and try to mend.

He apologized, so I think you should apologize to him also about not taking him seriously and explain why you felt that way (remember his feelings are hurt so the only way to about expressing his feelings to you was anger). He needs reassurance and already feels like you take him as a joke. You need reassurance that he doesn't mean what he says and him saying *** you hurt. Both of you work it out and uplift each other. I'm not a relationship expert, but coming from a family where I've seen my parents aunties/uncles married for decades work out their problems, I've learned a lot. Hope that helps

 

[IrrationalThoughts]

I understand why you are upset - words can hurt. I use my words as weapons. I also sit back and watch people - I use what info I gain if pushed far enough, but subtly. My bf is also one to stop talking about stuff to stop the conflict/tension at the moment. the problem is the issue never gets resolved and only gets worse. I am a harper cuz I feel that he doesn't get it and will keep talking, and talking. He made the mistake of walking away from me once...only once.

I am wondering though, why you thought your apology should have been enough and he should have dropped it, but his was not? I am not sure how to word this, but it feels like you don't really take what he says to heart - both the hurt he expresses and his apology. Like you are going to be right/hurt or in your feelings no matter what he says. I feel that maybe he isn't speaking to you in a way you can fully understand, but you are also not willing (or able right now) to see things from his point of view.

I am not sure if I explained that correctly.