Couples Arguing In Public

@ZapMami I know the advice given can be hard to take especially when one is not ready to hear it or unable to see it, but all the ladies here speak from experience including myself.

The thing is abuse is such an awful sounding word that evokes images of the worst obvious abuse, but abuse and unhealthy relationships in general do not start that way.

Abuse/ unhealthy begins in the same way as people get hooked on drugs. It starts with something wonderful feeling and consciously and subconciouly people keep reaching for that 'high'. Sometimes you get rewarded with something close and it convinces you that it is a good thing. But it is not. And the cycle begins.

Love should not be so much work and you should not be made to feel as as though you are hard to love and respect.

If you feel he is worth it, just keep your eyes open, not just on him but on YOU.

If you find yourself feeling negative, insecure or more insecure than usual, if you feel like you are losing your identity, not doing things you used to enjoy, not getting time to enjoy friends or activities away from him, making excuses all the time for his behavior (ie., He was tired, drunk, stressed, depressed etc.) feel like you are walking on eggshells to avoid being embarrassed in public etc., then these are signs that you need to take care of yourself and drop him.

Btw, public humiliation is one of the reddest flags and it is done to quickly exert control over you in that moment and for future.

If you are not ready to let go, pay close attention to your gut.

ETA: Getting caught in these traps does not mean one is weak/stupid; it happens to women who never thought it would/could. However it can be a sign that one needs to work on boundaries.
 
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Leave while you can. It gets harder over time. Been there, done that. It only gets worse. I could share my story, but the ladies here have covered enough.
It took years to finally get the courage to escape and I had to leave like a thief in the night. Please leave this man alone. And when you do leave, go cold turkey no contact. Never look back.
 
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ZapMami said:
How do you handle disagreements in public? My narcissist SO does not care what people think about him, period, so if he's feeling any kind of way about anything, he will discuss it anywhere. He was upset about something I did, so chose to bring it up in the grocery store parking lot yesterday. I asked could we please handle this later. He went in on me. Basically said no, it's all about me all the time, and he is not tired of having to make me comfortable all the time. He's not going to bite his tongue cause I'm worried about what people think of me. He doesn't give a F about these people. He went on and on for about three- five minutes. Then he storms away from the car and goes into one of the neighboring stores. I pretty much did not say anything while he was venting, cause I know this man and me saying something, anything, would have made the situation worse. I just put on my sunglasses and slumped down into the seat of my car. When he stormed away I just sat in the car and waited for him to cool off. We had several white onlookers during the whole ordeal, who look liked they were seconds from calling the police. He lives in a predominately white area and trust me, they are nosy as hell especially when it comes to us. Eventually he cools down and comes back to the car and I take him home.

Do you think it is unreasonable for me to ask to discuss personal matters later on when we are alone? This is not the first time this has happened with us, but definitely the most embarrassing. I can't recall one time where I witnessed my parents arguing in public.
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Dump him.

An adult needs to have emotional control. You can't have a successful life acting at the mercy of your emotions
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
And merely wanted advice on how appease the situation . Dassit.
So once again to those that are willing to admit that they get embarrassed and abused by their SO's on here, and chose to stay, how do you go about things?
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You have to learn how to be at peace in the situation you are in. There is no appeasing because being with someone like that is unpredictable. You are forever walking on eggshells. And I can’t say take up a hobby or whatever because abusive people will find a way to insert themselves into that and undermine it, or even destroy it.
Oh go to a psychiatrist and get on anti anxiety/depression meds. I did that when I thought I didn’t have the option to leave. So I would mentally check out, but make sure you stay on top of getting your prescription. You don’t want that stuff to leave your system unassisted or go cold turkey.
 
Evolving78 said:
You have to learn how to be at peace in the situation you are in. There is no appeasing because being with someone like that is unpredictable. You are forever walking on eggshells. And I can’t say take up a hobby or whatever because abusive people will find a way to insert themselves into that and undermine it, or even destroy it.
Oh go to a psychiatrist and get on anti anxiety/depression meds. I did that when I thought I didn’t have the option to leave. So I would mentally check out, but make sure you stay on top of getting your prescription. You don’t want that stuff to leave your system unassisted or go cold turkey.
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He’ll naw!!’ No man is worth getting on medication!!
 
Evolving78 said:
You have to learn how to be at peace in the situation you are in. There is no appeasing because being with someone like that is unpredictable. You are forever walking on eggshells. And I can’t say take up a hobby or whatever because abusive people will find a way to insert themselves into that and undermine it, or even destroy it.
Oh go to a psychiatrist and get on anti anxiety/depression meds. I did that when I thought I didn’t have the option to leave. So I would mentally check out, but make sure you stay on top of getting your prescription. You don’t want that stuff to leave your system unassisted or go cold turkey.
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I'm sorry you had to go through that. My response was facetious. Im quite certain the OP read all of these responses and leaving him wasn't the answer that she was looking for. Some of us want these situations to be normal or hope that they are standard practice in relationships to validate what they're going through. "Oh yeah girl he embarrasses me all the time, it took some getting used to but we good. Don't worry you'll get used to it he he he"........like no this ain't it.
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
I'm sorry you had to go through that. My response was facetious. Im quite certain the OP read all of these responses and leaving him wasn't the answer that she was looking for. Some of us want these situations to be normal or hope that they are standard practice in relationships to validate what they're going through. "Oh yeah girl he embarrasses me all the time, it took some getting used to but we good. Don't worry you'll get used to it he he he"........like no this ain't it.
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I think your post needed to be posted. Some folks need a “slap in the face” when they are unaware of what they are doing. People really need to be honest about the reason they are seeking advice. She already posted the dude is a narcissist, so that tells you a lot. She could be trolling or just seeking attention. Hopefully someone gets the message. The med thing should be a slap in the face too! Meds don’t solve the problem. They just help ease your mind in the mist of the problem They make you more comfortable living in chaos.

I felt I was stuck in my situation because I became a dependent and was isolated. Every time I tried to get a head, I was threaten back into staying, manipulated into quitting jobs, getting access to money, but instead of saving, I would spend it on the family, love bombed into staying thinking things would be different. Financial and emotional abuse is the most damaging to me. But I have been through all forms. A narc will do everything to try to sabotage you. And it took a few years of planning to finally escape. All of my moves were strategically implemented over a long period of time. I’m in a better place now and I continue to grow and move forward.

Talking to people, reading, asking questions, etc helped me to see a way out. I wanted out, but just didn’t know it was possible at first.
 
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Please read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. You aren’t married to this guy and there’s no need to try to change him. Just walk away. You already know he is a narcissist. Leave. I wouldn’t even tell him I was leaving. Abusive people are great at making you think YOU are crazy and being nice to you to make you stay. Just leave. Leave a note or something. Block him and move on.
 
God_Favor said:
Don’t leave us hanging. We want to know if you’re ok.
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She's been on since she last posted, and based on her profile, she logged in on Tuesday. I'm assuming that she's watching the thread, even if she isn't participating anymore. Hopefully, she's getting her ducks lined up in a row, as I hope that her initial decision was to leave, and that our posts validated her decision.

Covagirlm said:
She's not leaving him.
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Say it ain't so. I really hope that this is not true. Even if she stays in the short-term, until she can break from him, I'm hoping that she's taking these suggestions to heart, esp. the one about reading 'Boundaries'.
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
I'm sorry you had to go through that. My response was facetious. Im quite certain the OP read all of these responses and leaving him wasn't the answer that she was looking for. Some of us want these situations to be normal or hope that they are standard practice in relationships to validate what they're going through. "Oh yeah girl he embarrasses me all the time, it took some getting used to but we good. Don't worry you'll get used to it he he he"........like no this ain't it.
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While these situations should never be normalized...I do believe emotional & mental abuse is a lot more common then a lot of women would like to admit. Maybe not to the degree of yelling & embarrassing one in public but quite a few men do not know how to handle their emotions in healthy ways.

Whether it's name calling, criticizing, throwing things or punching walls in the heat of an argument behind closed doors...I have heard & seen it all.

A lot of these situations are tricky because we as women are taught to never allow a man to put his hands on you physically, but don't realize that their are men out there who are smart enough to never lay a hand on you but still control/damage you like a physically abused woman.

I think more women would be able to avoid or leave these situations if we talked more about emotional & mental abuse that goes on in relationships and how to recognize emotionally immature men.
 
PopLife said:
While these situations should never be normalized...I do believe emotional & mental abuse is a lot more common then a lot of women would like to admit. Maybe not to the degree of yelling & embarrassing one in public but quite a few men do not know how to handle their emotions in healthy ways.

Whether it's name calling, criticizing, throwing things or punching walls in the heat of an argument behind closed doors...I have heard & seen it all.

A lot of these situations are tricky because we as women are taught to never allow a man to put his hands on you physically, but don't realize that their are men out there who are smart enough to never lay a hand on you but still control/damage you like a physically abused woman.

I think more women would be able to avoid or leave these situations if we talked more about emotional & mental abuse that goes on in relationships and how to recognize emotionally immature men.
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I agree with this. For myself I'm a real firecracker so I can't and won't tolerate any of that garbage talk. But that was ingrained from me as a child and even moreso dealing with these patients/docs/admin at my jobs thinking they have right to talk to folks however they want to. If I had no control over any of this I would be a HAM and on the verge of my 18th mental breakdown. But everyone is different so I respect that.
 
Either this was a made up scenario or this poster is not ready and wants to remain with the man/child.

You all told her real talk that she’s not wanting to hear. Her situation will not end well as we all know.

I wish a Ninja would cause a public scene humiliating me in front of anybody.
 
msdeevee said:
Either this was a made up scenario or this poster is not ready and wants to remain with the man/child.

You all told her real talk that she’s not wanting to hear. Her situation will not end well as we all know.

I wish a Ninja would cause a public scene humiliating me in front of anybody.
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Or he has gaslighted her to the point that she thinks she is crazy and got her thinking she causes him to act a fool and what happened was no big deal\ and or her fault.

Also, dudes like this know how to reel it in and be nice for a little while to get the woman back under control. He may be on good behavior for a little while ( but I know not this long lol).

If he is really a narc it’s no telling what toxic situation they have going on. I know because I’ve been there. It’s a toxic circle of highs and extreme lows.

I’m here if you ever want to talk. When I came out I was so mad and embarrassed that I allowed that type of treatment in my life and discovered it was really about my self-worth and not his mental illness.

Don’t get so wrapped up in his needs and walking on eggshells that you neglect yourself. You are making this your reality. You have options.

And don’t show him this thread trying to make him see the light or try to make him feel bad. He doesn’t care.

We might as well stop checking on her and this situation ladies.
 
I know we're talking about men or the OP and I wanted to admit that I've lost my cool in public before *hangs head low in shame*
Today, I have to check myself if I'm upset. I posted a situation that occurred to me earlier in the summer months and I went OFF. The girl involved later told me that she understood that I was upset but that I should have cussed her out in a more discreet way *shrug*
I know when my behavior is inappropriate because I feel embarrassed after.
I'm also with someone who doesn't yell or raise his voice at all so I feel super lame when I take a certain tone or say mean things so I generally don't. One time I told him "don't touch my *curse word*!' and OMG, I immediately felt the disrespect as soon as the words left my lips lol

Anyway, this story made me think of my behavior and is no way supporting his bad behavior.
 
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Fine 4s said:
I know we're talking about men or the OP and I wanted to admit that I've lost my cool in public before *hangs head low in shame*
Today, I have to check myself if I'm upset. I posted a situation that occurred to me earlier in the summer months and I went OFF. The girl involved later told me that she understood that I was upset but that I should have cussed her out in a more discreet way *shrug*
I know when my behavior is inappropriate because I feel embarrassed after.
I'm also with someone who doesn't yell or raise his voice at all so I feel super lame when I take a certain tone or say mean things so I generally don't. One time I told him "don't touch my *curse word*!' and OMG, I immediately felt the disrespect as soon as the words left my lips lol

Anyway, this story made me think of my behavior and is no way supporting his bad behavior.
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:giggle:

I’m glad you shared your story. It shows adult behavior and emotional control. You are recognizing your behavior and (rightly) feeling shame for the things you do that are not in line with the kind of person you aspire to be. Congrats! I’m working on my emotional responses as well. I don’t have outbursts but I do get defensive and kinda childish when I don’t get my way. We’re both a work in progress!
 
All I want to say is please talk to your friends and your parents if you can, so they are aware. You may need to vent and get support before you see you can do better. The boundaries book someone suggested also sounds like a good idea.

I can't tell how old OP is as she references her parents relationship and no previous SO's. She seems to be figuring out what she can and can't put up with which is common in early relationships and friendships for that matter.

His behaviour is abusive. I hope you are ok.
 
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