You Found Condoms In Dh's Car

007PMP said:
Why ask the obvious? He’s a man, not a child...a possible cheat yes; but not a child. What we have in front of us is a grown man who possibly made a decision to have sex (or not) with another grown person.

There’s no need in asking obvious—it’s easy to plan and plot an out but harder to harness reality and meet him right where he is at (the root) as his wife.
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Off the top of my head I can think of two reasons why my husband might have condoms in his car outside cheating...

1. He bought it for someone he is trying to mentor (or who is too shy to buy it themselves)....
2. He wants us to try using these condoms (we are always looking for something that feels close enough to the real deal) because he doesn't like the effect hormonal birth control on my body and the possible thought of it making it harder for us to get pregnant when we are ready.

In my particular situation, cheating is the last thing that will cross my mind honestly. My husband wears his guilt and fear on his face like a damn sign, and is the worst lair on the planet so I would have sensed something was off... lol... If he was cheating, he also wouldn't keep it in his car cos I drive it when I run out of gas... I'm careless and forget stuff in his car all the time so I have keys etc

Also, unlike me, cheating is a deal breaker for him... the day I cheat is the day my marriage ends... before he cheats, the marriage would have ended for him and in that case, the condoms are just the icing on the cake.. no need to waste more time being together.
 
dancinstallion said:
just you and dh ride in the car. The condoms are same kind you all used to use over a year and a half ago so more than likely they came from your house. And no yall dont have sex in the car or anywhere else. :spinning:

The condoms are two years old because they expire in 3 years.
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If they are not old condoms from the time that you two used them, then you need to decide if this is a conversation that you want to have. Could this be his way of giving you a hint that he believes that all is not well in your marriage?

Best case scenario - they are from a time that you used them, made their way into his car where they remained until you discovered them.

Worst case scenario- he is thinking about or having an affair.

If he is cheating, is this a deal breaker for you? Would you go into marriage counseling or start divorce proceedings? What would be your options?
 
007PMP said:
Why ask the obvious? He’s a man, not a child...a possible cheat yes; but not a child. What we have in front of us is a grown man who possibly made a decision to have sex (or not) with another grown person.

There’s no need in asking obvious—it’s easy to plan and plot an out but harder to harness reality and meet him right where he is at (the root) as his wife.
Click to expand...

Not knowing about what's going on under your roof can get you hemmed up. Ain't no need to sit around guessing when I don't have to. I'd go to him, find out what's good and then make a decision if I can live with the consequences and repercussions of the his behavior. Ultimately, asking questions ain't about him, it's about me and a need for transparency.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Not knowing about what's going on under your roof can get you hemmed up. Ain't no need to sit around guessing when I don't have to. I'd go to him, find out what's good and then make a decision if I can live with the consequences and repercussions of the his behavior. Ultimately, asking questions ain't about him, it's about me and a need for transparency.
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I hear you but the flip side is 1) domestic violence is never the answer (sounds threatening tho) and 2) you can kick, scream and threaten but the man doesn’t have to tell you anything let alone the truth. Just as you may think it’s about you, the other persons defense mechanism may show you otherwise.
 
I would ask point blank. My next move would depend on if there are other indications he's cheating, the length of the marriage and if there are children involved. If we haven't been married long and there's no children, I'm more likely to begin divorce proceedings if it turns out he is cheating.

If we've been married a while and/or have children especially if they're young, I'm more likely to consider if this is salvageable via marriage counseling, while having an exit strategy as plan B.

Just a question OP. Why no condoms? o_O TTC?
 
LivingDoll said:
For all who are saying "just ask him", do y'all think the men would be truthful? If he lies (which is more likely than not), what then?
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What he says and how he says it would determine the note that I stay or leave on. If his answer is straight forward and makes sense then we can part or reconcile amicably depending on the situation. If he comes at me with some "he's dealing with a silly *$&#(" stuff (Think how TI talks to Tiny) then I would be compelled to scorch his patch of the earth on my way out. That doesn't mean violence,. Divorces can go smooth or they can go hard. His answer determines how he's choosing to go out.
 
LivingDoll said:
For all who are saying "just ask him", do y'all think the men would be truthful? If he lies (which is more likely than not), what then?
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Right?! Because I’m telling you (and I laugh too) married people will and have made a choice to cheat in some capacity and haven’t said a WORD to no one. Periodt.

Wife or girlfriend — you ain’t god and trust me your crying threats and hurt feelings are a drop in the bucket compared to admitting something that could cause a far greater impact.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
What he says and how he says it would determine the note that I stay or leave on. If his answer is straight forward and makes sense then we can part or reconcile amicably depending on the situation. If he comes at me with some "he's dealing with a silly *$&#(" stuff (Think how TI talks to Tiny) then I would be compelled to scorch his patch of the earth on my way out. That doesn't mean violence,. Divorces can go smooth or they can go hard. His answer determines how he's choosing to go out.
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and that while dude was banging he was thinking about what would life look like if he got caught and the possibility of a divorce—but it still didn’t stop the nut. Some men will see divorce (without admitting to cheating) as a savior. :lol:
 
007PMP said:
and that while dude was banging he was thinking about what would life look like if he got caught and the possibility of a divorce—but it still didn’t stop the nut. Some men will see divorce (without admitting to cheating) as a savior. :lol:
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You keep focusing on him, his feelings, his nut and his end result. I care about me and making an informed choice about my next move. I'm not trying to convince you to do what I do. If the way you run your house is to not ask questions that's great. It's go be questions asked in my house and depending on how the old man answers, neither one of us will have to worry about hiding condoms in the future.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
You keep focusing on him, his feelings, his nut and his end result. I care about me and making an informed choice about my next move. I'm not trying to convince you to do what I do. If the way you run your house is to not ask questions that's great. It's go be questions asked in my house and depending on how the old man answers, neither one of us will have to worry about hiding condoms in the future.
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Right. I don't care what he was thinking when he was cheating. I don't care if he will lie when questioned. I will ask, consider his body language, our life together thus far and my gut feeling and do what's best for me, depending on how I feel about his reaction.
No need to make others feel stupid for wanting to ask. We can all do what works for us. I have other things to use my mental and emotional energy. I don't have time for mind games. Again, I will ask and go from there.
 
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Sosoothing said:
Right. I don't care what he was thinking when he was cheating. I don't care if he will lie when questioned. I will ask, consider his body language and my gut feeling and do what's best for me, depending on how I feel about his reaction.
No need to make others feel stupid for wanting to ask. We can all do what works for us. I have other things to use my mental and emotional energy. I don't have time for mind games. Again, I will ask and go from there.
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These dudes will have you caught up in some fatal attraction nonsense. I need to know if I got to look over my shoulder or be strapped answering my front door over "his nut".
 
Crackers Phinn said:
You keep focusing on him, his feelings, his nut and his end result. I care about me and making an informed choice about my next move. I'm not trying to convince you to do what I do. If the way you run your house is to not ask questions that's great. It's go be questions asked in my house and depending on how the old man answers, neither one of us will have to worry about hiding condoms in the future.
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Well don’t you think it matters :lol:? Its his decision to reveal the truth or not—-he doesn’t owe her (wife or not) anything. And clearly since he cheated, he is exercising his right to do whatever and whomever regardless of a ring.

And I’m not really tailoring my perspective to you or anyone (because I care not) but the scenario is universal and makes for good dialogue—provided no woman in here takes a position.
 
Sosoothing said:
Right. I don't care what he was thinking when he was cheating. I don't care if he will lie when questioned. I will ask, consider his body language, our life together thus far and my gut feeling and do what's best for me, depending on how I feel about his reaction.
No need to make others feel stupid for wanting to ask. We can all do what works for us. I have other things to use my mental and emotional energy. I don't have time for mind games. Again, I will ask and go from there.
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Are you big mad or little mad :lol:
 
Before I answer.....is marijuana still illegal where I live? Does DH smoke? Does his job conduct random drug testing? I would need a yes to all three of these questions, before I give 10% reasonable doubt....the other 90% will still be suspicious and I will have him marked as guilty until proven innocent.
 
007PMP said:
Are you big mad or little mad :lol:
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She doesn’t sound overly upset at all. More like level headed and logical.

I get where you and some women on this forum are coming from. I used to believe that all men cheat and when and if they did cheat, I was leaving. No questions asked, papers served. (I guess that means I was planning to be alone since I thought all men cheated and I was gonna leave everyone that did.)

Now having experienced a deeper love for the first time, and having wisdom, I know that people hurt people they love all the time. The closer we are to that person, the deeper it stings. At this point in life though, how I respond would be dependent on if he shows sincere remorse for his actions, the status of our relationship and if we will be able to move forward in a healthy loving way, and whether or not there are kids involved. It also doesn’t hurt to talk so you can attempt to figure out the source of his cheating. It may have nothing to do with you as a wife (tho it won’t hurt any less).

To the OP, I would suggest you ask your husband about the condom. He may or may not tell the truth. But either before you ask or immediately after you do, I would suggest you find a good therapist...one who helps you clearly examine/process the situation and your emotions, and will encourage you to be compassionate to yourself.

If you don’t know a good therapist or can’t afford one, I suggest you try sitting with whatever information he provides before you make any rash decisions.
 
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As a woman who left her husband when I found out he was cheating (because I wasn’t putting up with that), I highly implore you to read about detective techniques in the Surviving Infidelity forum.
I do agree with “asking him” but after doing some sleuthing because, from experience, most men aren’t going to tell the truth. “Deny, deny, deny.” And they won’t admit to anything until they are caught red handed (and sometimes not even then - “It wasn’t me”).
After you ask him, you want to have proof on hand to see how he reacts.

Whatever happens- think of only yourself for now- because if he IS cheating- he isn’t thinking of you. And unfortunately when a relationship gets to that point, one of three things will happen.

1. You guys will get past this by sweeping it under the rug (MANY couples do this but the rug can only take so much and will start to show what is underneath)

2. You guys will divorce (MANY couples eventually do this)

3. You guys will work through it and heal together, he will have remorse (not regret) and help you heal from his actions while you address marital issues that made it easier for him to choose infidelity...
Unfortunately, not many couples ever reach this because deep reflection (therapy) and ownership of actions for both of you is necessary and it is a LOT of mental work. Healing takes a least a year long to make sure you aren’t sweeping stuff under the marital rug and then it is constant work to keep connecting and rebuilding trust.

Kintsugi- that which is broken can be mended with melted gold. You don’t want to hide the breaks- but mend them with gold to show that broken things have history and can still be beautiful as something new. But again- not many couples reach this because it is a lot of work.
 
Sosoothing said:
Right. I don't care what he was thinking when he was cheating. I don't care if he will lie when questioned. I will ask, consider his body language, our life together thus far and my gut feeling and do what's best for me, depending on how I feel about his reaction.
No need to make others feel stupid for wanting to ask. We can all do what works for us. I have other things to use my mental and emotional energy. I don't have time for mind games. Again, I will ask and go from there.
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My intention in asking the question wasn't to make anyone feel stupid. My intention was to probe into the reasoning behind asking about condoms in his car knowing that very few people immediately admit to infidelity (even when caught outright...). I know LOTS of women who decided to stay with men that cheated, and continue to cheat after those discussions. I mean, let's face it...just asking him is only a means to a resolution. I just wanted to know the whole plan...

Unpopular opinion...I think on this forum (as in real life), *SOME* women like to portray that they are so adult, mature, independent, and balls to the wall big and bad but operate in a very passive state in their marriages. They just don't want anyone to know. This isn't intended for anyone in particular, just my personal opinion about what I've observed in the last 10 years as a member here.
 
LivingDoll said:
My intention in asking the question wasn't to make anyone feel stupid. My intention was to probe into the reasoning behind asking about condoms in his car knowing that very few people immediately admit to infidelity (even when caught outright...). I know LOTS of women who decided to stay with men that cheated, and continue to cheat after those discussions. I mean, let's face it...just asking him is only a means to a resolution. I just wanted to know the whole plan...

Unpopular opinion...I think on this forum (as in real life), *SOME* women like to portray that they are so adult, mature, independent, and balls to the wall big and bad but operate in a very passive state in their marriages. They just don't want anyone to know. This isn't intended for anyone in particular, just my personal opinion about what I've observed in the last 10 years as a member here.
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Interesting. How have you been able to validate that?
 
LivingDoll said:
My intention in asking the question wasn't to make anyone feel stupid. My intention was to probe into the reasoning behind asking about condoms in his car knowing that very few people immediately admit to infidelity (even when caught outright...). I know LOTS of women who decided to stay with men that cheated, and continue to cheat after those discussions. I mean, let's face it...just asking him is only a means to a resolution. I just wanted to know the whole plan...

Unpopular opinion...I think on this forum (as in real life), *SOME* women like to portray that they are so adult, mature, independent, and balls to the wall big and bad but operate in a very passive state in their marriages. They just don't want anyone to know. This isn't intended for anyone in particular, just my personal opinion about what I've observed in the last 10 years as a member here.
Click to expand...

There isn't a whole plan I detail because it's hard to imagine what you will do until it happens. But I know for sure, I would start by asking . So far in our marriage, we confront each other about stuff so it isn't a balls to the wall thing for me. It's what we do.
He may not tell me the truth and I don't care. It's a mental benefit to me to verbalize it.
 
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