Wwyd Man Selection Edition

[naptime]

I know someone who just broke up with her bf and it made me go hmm...so I thought I'd ask you good ladies what your thoughts were.

The man - is tall, good looking and fit, makes really good $$, loves this chick, and is loyal...not a cheating dirtbag. She's driving around in a beemer that she could have never afforded without his money. The not so good about him is that he has a child from a previous marriage, and he's kind of a traditional man's man...likes to make the decisions, expects her to perform traditional home duties even though she works full time, isn't very receptive to input from his woman, etc. For example, he brought a dog home with no notice or permission from his SO, and then she's expected to care for it. Essentially, though, he's a really good guy. They were together for a few years and he'd marry her in an instant.

So, as I said, this chick breaks up with this guy, saying she loves him but doesn't seem a future with him. She is 26 if that matters. I'm thinking that this guy has all the major attributes that one could hope for in a partner, but he's flawed, like we all are. I think she should have stayed with this guy and learned to deal with the not so good aspects of his personality because no one out there is perfect.

I'm wondering what you guys think...do you think it's smart to throw away a perfectly good guy because he's not perfect? Would you dump this guy and hope Mr. Perfect is out there? Hmm...

 

[C@ssandr@]

I know someone who just broke up with her bf and it made me go hmm...so I thought I'd ask you good ladies what your thoughts were.

The man - is tall, good looking and fit, makes really good $$, loves this chick, and is loyal...not a cheating dirtbag. She's driving around in a beemer that she could have never afforded without his money. The not so good about him is that he has a child from a previous marriage, and he's kind of a traditional man's man...likes to make the decisions, expects her to perform traditional home duties even though she works full time, isn't very receptive to input from his woman, etc. For example, he brought a dog home with no notice or permission from his SO, and then she's expected to care for it. Essentially, though, he's a really good guy. They were together for a few years and he'd marry her in an instant.

So, as I said, this chick breaks up with this guy, saying she loves him but doesn't seem a future with him. She is 26 if that matters. I'm thinking that this guy has all the major attributes that one could hope for in a partner, but he's flawed, like we all are. I think she should have stayed with this guy and learned to deal with the not so good aspects of his personality because no one out there is perfect.

I'm wondering what you guys think...do you think it's smart to throw away a perfectly good guy because he's not perfect? Would you dump this guy and hope Mr. Perfect is out there? Hmm...

I don't deal in hypotheticals, so if they were not married or even engaged then "marrying her in an instant" means nothing.

Secondly, I dislike when people point out the no one is perfect. This is a given. Mother Teresa wasn't perfect and neither is Charles Manson. There are little flaws and there are obviously big ones. When it comes to men it sounds like an excuse...

Ok, now to the meat and potatoes. Imo, this guy sounds controlling. I thought maybe he's just an alpha or just a tad hyper masculine since he believes so heavily in gender roles, but nope. When he brought home the dog and expected her to care for it w/o proper notice or a discussion that was a test. He is abusive (being controlling is a form of emotional abuse).

What I learned (from experience) is that abusers like to see what they can get away with and it escalates from there. He brought home the dog, and even if he truly wanted a dog, he was seeing if she'd fall in line or put up a fight.

Sounds like her gut spoke up and she made the right choice. Leave her be.

**You said "The man - is tall, good looking and fit, makes really good $$, loves this chick, and is loyal...not a cheating dirtbag"

For the record these are "basic" attributes. Lots of throwbacks have these attributes. He ain't special.

 

[naptime]

I don't deal in hypotheticals, so if they were not married or even engaged then "marrying her in an instant" means nothing.

Secondly, I dislike when people point out the no one is perfect. This is a given. Mother Teresa wasn't perfect and neither is Charles Manson. There are little flaws and there are obviously big ones. When it comes to men it sounds like an excuse...

Ok, now to the meat and potatoes. Imo, this guy sounds controlling. I thought maybe he's just an alpha or just a tad hyper masculine since he believes so heavily in gender roles, but nope. When he brought home the dog and expected her to care for it w/o proper notice or a discussion that was a test. He is abusive (being controlling is a form of emotional abuse).

What I learned (from experience) is that abusers like to see what they can get away with and it escalates from there. He brought home the dog, and even if he truly wanted a dog, he was seeing if she'd fall in line or put up a fight.

Sounds like her gut spoke up and she made the right choice. Leave her be.

**You said "The man - is tall, good looking and fit, makes really good $$, loves this chick, and is loyal...not a cheating dirtbag"

For the record these are "basic" attributes. Lots of throwbacks have these attributes. He ain't special.

Thanks for your perspective. If course I'll leave her be! It never occurred to me to do otherwise...that's why I came here to get other's thoughts.

I never got abusive vibes from him at all, but I suppose it's possible. And trust me, he's not a throwback, I've seen a lot of those, lol. Sorry I seem to have made you mad. I just thought it would be interesting to get other's opinions.

 

[CaraWalker]

I know someone who just broke up with her bf and it made me go hmm...so I thought I'd ask you good ladies what your thoughts were.

The man - is tall, good looking and fit, makes really good $$, loves this chick, and is loyal...not a cheating dirtbag. She's driving around in a beemer that she could have never afforded without his money. The not so good about him is that he has a child from a previous marriage, and he's kind of a traditional man's man...likes to make the decisions, expects her to perform traditional home duties even though she works full time, isn't very receptive to input from his woman, etc. For example, he brought a dog home with no notice or permission from his SO, and then she's expected to care for it. Essentially, though, he's a really good guy. They were together for a few years and he'd marry her in an instant.

So, as I said, this chick breaks up with this guy, saying she loves him but doesn't seem a future with him. She is 26 if that matters. I'm thinking that this guy has all the major attributes that one could hope for in a partner, but he's flawed, like we all are. I think she should have stayed with this guy and learned to deal with the not so good aspects of his personality because no one out there is perfect.

I'm wondering what you guys think...do you think it's smart to throw away a perfectly good guy because he's not perfect? Would you dump this guy and hope Mr. Perfect is out there? Hmm...

there is not enough information for me to have an opinion. for all thats shared there he could be actually abusive, or bad or weird in bed or have any number of disgusting habits. the good qualities you listed dont seem like that big a deal to me if there is even one undesirable thing about him that the girl doesnt like.

in short that doesn't read like such an incredible catch to me that id wonder why anyone would dump him.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Thanks for your perspective. If course I'll leave her be! It never occurred to me to do otherwise...that's why I came here to get other's thoughts.

I never got abusive vibes from him at all, but I suppose it's possible. And trust me, he's not a throwback, I've seen a lot of those, lol. Sorry I seem to have made you mad. I just thought it would be interesting to get other's opinions.

Oh! I'm not mad at all.

I'm just adding my 2 cents. I'm aware that I could be a tad off base. The thing is, "abuse" doesn't have to be grand, so when I get a tiny little whiff I call it out anyway. The dog thing was in the very least rude, but could very well be a test of her boundaries... But yeah, just food for thought.

 

[TayMac]

I agree not enough information plus you are giving the outside perspective of him. A lot of people seem great to those who aren't dating them. If she is holding out for a better match for HER, I don't disagree with that at all.

The bits about bringing home a dog for me to care for without discussion, expecting me to do household stuff while I work FT..those could make someone go hmmm.

I would be curious as to why he got divorced.

 

[naptime]

Actually, I've known them both for several years and I'm kinda sad about this breakup. Obviously, you guys know nothing about this man at all, and I get that things from inside a relationship can be very different from what they appear. But this is not a bad guy at all...he's a very involved parent...educated...lives up to his commitments. His son is such a cutie pie.

But anyway, I was really hoping this could be a thread about what things you work on vs what things you throw them back for. Of course everyone gets to make up their own mind, for whatever reason. Let's just say this was a theoretical guy who's got the basics covered, educated, good looking, responsible...with no Charles Manson tendencies, lol. So no deal breakers like suspicious rashes or bodies in the basement. But maybe he's stubborn. Or maybe he needs reminders about work/life balance. Things like that.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Actually, I've known them both for several years and I'm kinda sad about this breakup. Obviously, you guys know nothing about this man at all, and I get that things from inside a relationship can be very different from what they appear. But this is not a bad guy at all...he's a very involved parent...educated...lives up to his commitments. His son is such a cutie pie.

But anyway, I was really hoping this could be a thread about what things you work on vs what things you throw them back for. Of course everyone gets to make up their own mind, for whatever reason. Let's just say this was a theoretical guy who's got the basics covered, educated, good looking, responsible...with no Charles Manson tendencies, lol. So no deal breakers like suspicious rashes or bodies in the basement. But maybe he's stubborn. Or maybe he needs reminders about work/life balance. Things like that.

Ok, so let's assume he's great with no extreme flaws...

Your friend needs to be attracted to him for it to work. The problem is that we can't tell what the true turn off for her is. She said that she doesn't see a future with him. This could mean anything.

Secondly, your friend needs to actually be ready for a relationship. It doesn't matter how great the guy is, if she's not ready for the long haul, it's just not going to happen.

Ask her why can't she see a future. See what she says.
...and report back

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

What do you mean he would marry her in an instant?

I think knowing a person and being in a relationship with them are two different things, and stuff that you feel like are minor in nature may not be for her, and you have to respect her perspective. You seem a wee bit biased in favor of this guy too, maybe since you're friends with him? Ultimately she is the one who would have to be with him, and she is the one who needs to be comfortable with his flaws and all.

 

[naptime]

Ok, so let's assume he's great with no extreme flaws...

Your friend needs to be attracted to him for it to work. The problem is that we can't tell what the true turn off for her is. She said that she doesn't see a future with him. This could mean anything.

Secondly, your friend needs to actually be ready for a relationship. It doesn't matter how great the guy is, if she's not ready for the long haul, it's just not going to happen.

Ask her why can't she see a future. See what she says.
...and report back

That's a good point...you have to be ready for a relationship. I know that I married a great guy, but some days...mannn, lol.

 

[naptime]

What do you mean he would marry her in an instant?

I think knowing a person and being in a relationship with them are two different things, and stuff that you feel like are minor in nature may not be for her, and you have to respect her perspective. You seem a wee bit biased in favor of this guy too, maybe since you're friends with him? Ultimately she is the one who would have to be with him, and she is the one who needs to be comfortable with his flaws and all.

I mean he spoke to her dad about it, but there were some things she wanted to work on first, so he was waiting for her. According to her, he was making good progress, but I guess not enough. I'm only friends with him through her, so I probably won't be seeing him very much...or his cutie of a son I think it's his son I'll miss the most, lol.

I just wanted to say again that I get that it's her decision, and totally respect that she can decide to do whatever she wants. I was really hoping to have a discussion about flaws vs deal breakers. Aside from this actual situation, I think it's good to discuss how to deal with a good man who occasionally needs to be dealt with, lol. Like, what's the best was to address the flaw and overcome it before you decide to give up and ditch the dude.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

I mean he spoke to her dad about it, but there were some things she wanted to work on first, so he was waiting for her. According to her, he was making good progress, but I guess not enough. I'm only friends with him through her, so I probably won't be seeing him very much...or his cutie of a son I think it's his son I'll miss the most, lol.

I just wanted to say again that I get that it's her decision, and totally respect that she can decide to do whatever she wants. I was really hoping to have a discussion about flaws vs deal breakers. Aside from this actual situation, I think it's good to discuss how to deal with a good man who occasionally needs to be dealt with, lol. Like, what's the best was to address the flaw and overcome it before you decide to give up and ditch the dude.

Oh I see. For me, dealbreakers are character flaws that there is really no remedy for AND there is not enough to outweigh it. As an example, I have a home girl who is dating this guy but she doesn't feel like he is good with money. Nothing that has had any effect on her personally yet but from discussions she has come to this conclusion. Now I think that money habits can be worked on, hell I am working on mine. And he seems to meet a lot of her other criteria. But I could see that being a deal breaker for others because they don't want any issues in that area. Whereas, I see plenty people working with a cheater who meets their other criteria, for me infidelity is a deal breaker because I know I won't recover from it. Each person draws their own line in the sand.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Ok, Op. Here is my post from another thread regarding deal breakers:

...when to comes to inequities in a partner there are two categories I use to determine if I can continue "work with" a guy. There are "character" issues and there are "bad habits". If a man has a hard time budgeting his money, has bad credit etc. This is a character issue. He is irresponsible overall and this is a deal breaker for me.

Now, if he is a big spender, whilst his bills are paid on time, and money is tight every now and then. Depending on the severity of the tightness, this is more of a bad habit. It is workable because he is capable in being more responsible as shown in his other actions. His bad habit could be a matter of compulsion.

Character issues run deep, and are not usually fixable by others. It's something that needs to be pulled together before you even try to date...imo. Bad habits are something people can actually help you with. I mentioned how my brother hands his check to his wife every pay day. Boom, his overspending on comic books was easily handled by his wife stepping in...

 

[naptime]

So what if you've decided that you have a keeper, but they have a few flaws? I know I could probably learn to deal with flaws better. I can be...impatient, lol.

 

[PeaceFlow]

So, as I said, this chick breaks up with this guy, saying she loves him but doesn't seem a future with him. She is 26 if that matters. I'm thinking that this guy has all the major attributes that one could hope for in a partner, but he's flawed, like we all are. I think she should have stayed with this guy and learned to deal with the not so good aspects of his personality because no one out there is perfect.

Everyone has flaws but you have to find someone who has flaws you can deal with. Someone who has flaws that may be annoying, but not the type that crush your spirit and make you go against your natural self. That don't make you end up living a life that is the opposite of what you want.

She's good to get out now before she has kids. If they aren't married and he's expecting her to look after him while having a full time job and then gets a dog and makes her do that too... If it is making her miserable now I can understand not seeing a happy future.

You cant look from the outside and tell someone with different intrinsic needs and dominant love languages , that they should stay with such a partner. That it is bearable... Whether it's bearable, or not is an individual thing dependent on personality and what a woman wants out of life IMO.

To answer the question I wouldn't dump this guy in the quest for Mr Perfect. I would dump the guy so I could be available for someone who was more of a match than the person I was currently with, that I enjoyed more happiness with and with flaws that dont encroach on my quality of life.

 

[naptime]

Everyone has flaws but you have to find someone who has flaws you can deal with. Someone who has flaws that may be annoying, but not the type that crush your spirit and make you go against your natural self. That don't make you end up living a life that is the opposite of what you want.

She's good to get out now before she has kids. If they aren't married and he's expecting her to look after him while having a full time job and then gets a dog and makes her do that too... If it is making her miserable now I can understand not seeing a happy future.

You cant look from the outside and tell someone with different intrinsic needs and dominant love languages , that they should stay with such a partner. That it is bearable... Whether it's bearable, or not is an individual thing dependent on personality and what a woman wants out of life IMO.

To answer the question I wouldn't dump this guy in the quest for Mr Perfect. I would dump the guy so I could be available for someone who was more of a match than the person I was currently with, that I enjoyed more happiness with and with flaws that dont encroach on my quality of life.

Thank you for explaining it like this...it makes a lot of sense to me

 

[CaraWalker]

to be perfectly honest i would assume that for whatever reason he was just not taking care of business in the bedroom. if i couldnt have a satisfactory sex life with a man, that is one of the few things that would make him undesirable when he is otherwise a great catch on paper. without even realizing it when i date someone, if im not all that interested in sleeping with them they automatically go on the back burner. its not even something im doing on purpose, i just dont have a lot of interest in them because of it.

she feels like she can do better, and it sounds like she probably can.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Here's the thing: Everyone with a backbone has deal breakers. Hers may be controlling (or rather my way or the high way or whatever word you want to call them) men.

Who are you or anyone to decide what's workable and what's not? (In general a general "you")

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Everyone has flaws but you have to find someone who has flaws you can deal with. Someone who has flaws that may be annoying, but not the type that crush your spirit and make you go against your natural self. That don't make you end up living a life that is the opposite of what you want.

She's good to get out now before she has kids. If they aren't married and he's expecting her to look after him while having a full time job and then gets a dog and makes her do that too... If it is making her miserable now I can understand not seeing a happy future

You cant look from the outside and tell someone with different intrinsic needs and dominant love languages , that they should stay with such a partner. That it is bearable... Whether it's bearable, or not is an individual thing dependent on personality and what a woman wants out of life IMO.

To answer the question I wouldn't dump this guy in the quest for Mr Perfect. I would dump the guy so I could be available for someone who was more of a match than the person I was currently with, that I enjoyed more happiness with and with flaws that dont encroach on my quality of life.

Okay you broke it down a little more here yup

There are other variables. Maybe she wants to have the option of working or not, etc etc. That wouldn't work with dude who wants her to work full time before coming home and doing xyz and then looking after how many dogs and/or kids and or whatever else suits his fancy as he calls the rules. Looks like dude is fixed in stone. If she left she left for a reason. Unless she's always knitpicking each and every man let her find her right for her fit instead of working to adjust to make a man "fit". It doesn't seem to me like she's nitpicking "he's too corny, he's 5'11 and I always wanted a man 6 foot or taller," etc. She sees a red glaring sign and so she took an exit out of relationship ville with him.

 

[ElizaBlue]

So he was good enough to live with...upgrade her to a car she cannot afford...but she has a problem that he has a child. Not enough to go on but here's my cursory opinion. She needs to find someone who she will feel she can come first with and he needs to find someone who will accept his child with love. Neither are wrong neither is right...they are just not a good match.

You can fall in love with the wrong person...please trust and believe me on that one....and they still not be the person you know will allow you to be the best person you can be and vice versa. Self awareness speaks volumes when you can walk away despite your feelings. She needs to go and let the "good man" find someone who is at his same water level...like a dog lover....a more traditional role playing dog lover.

Now that said, she on the other had will probably one day come to the conclusion that he was the best for her after all. Hopefully for his sake it will be too late.

 

[Ivonnovi]

LOL, their whole situation could be "rich".

My thoughts were hmmm, first a dog....then a child.

(ETA: By child, I meant that a bro like this would possibly bring an outside child home talking about "take care of it"...expecting no resistance or discussion.)​

You stated that she works all day YET he expects her to do the traditional stuff.
She drives a nice car that he's provided for.
As I read on I felt YES he's controlling, and manipulative; of course he'd marry her!!! ....

Now from his perspective (possibly)....he may think he's doing what a "traditional" man is expected to do. ....Was is it pDummy that stated that "he didn't have a man/father to show him what a Man should do or be? Some folks are just that "out of it" to put it extremely politely.

SHE may not have [adequately] expressed herself, her concerns etc to him. HOWEVER, from what you wrote, I see that he lacks basic consideration for the other person's needs.​

It seems to me that she got tired of a man that though he provides her nice things, does not value her time, opinion, or contribution to the relationship.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Yeah you're not dumping a dog on me with a "now take care of it" and "I give no effs if you wanted a dog or not".

I don't care as much about the "work and run the house too" stuff because I did that for awhile. I wasn't expected to contribute one thin dime to bills/expenses and we lived in an apartment with no kids, so housework was minimal (and I married a dude who cooks for fun so.. )

What's good for someone else may not be good for you. For example my bils are both good guys but I couldn't be married to either of them... one I would probably strangle.

 

[Phoenixsky13]

I would have left him too just from what you told us OP.

I plan to work full time until I have children. I have an advance degree that I want to actually use. So If I was with a man that had money and was generous, had a child from a previous relationship but expected me to do all the housework like I don't have my own responsibilities I would be out of there. I'm not the maid or the nanny.

You mentioned this dog and that made me think of the child. If he expects her to care for the dog I'm sure he expects her to do a lot of womanly parenting too. So essentially this is a man that is asking this 26 year old woman to be a mother and wife and caregiver and they aren't even married yet because he helped her afford a bmw...... Naw son.

Its like he dosnt care about what she wants at all. A dog is a huge responsibility, I do think it was a test or just very careless and inconsiderate on his part. What if he decided he wants another kid next week...

 

[Solila]

Hmm, what glitters isn't always gold.
I was in the exact same position at one point. I feel for your friend. These types men have potential to be serious stalkers.

 

[naptime]

Ok, so let's assume he's great with no extreme flaws...

Your friend needs to be attracted to him for it to work. The problem is that we can't tell what the true turn off for her is. She said that she doesn't see a future with him. This could mean anything.

Secondly, your friend needs to actually be ready for a relationship. It doesn't matter how great the guy is, if she's not ready for the long haul, it's just not going to happen.

Ask her why can't she see a future. See what she says.
...and report back

So, this is very interesting to me. She didn't like how he cared for his kid or his dog so she couldn't imagine having kids with him.

It's interesting because she has a great dad and isn't interested in having a mediocre one for her future kids. This proves to me yet again how much a good dad matters. I wish I learned this before I had my daughter...she doesn't have a good dad at all

 

[naptime]

I mentioned in the bad mom thread how poor parenting teaches you to put up with too much. Even though I've come so far, this shows me again what a disadvantage you have by being parented poorly.

Good parents teach you what you deserve and that lesson sticks...Even years later. I think I'm lucky I've made it so far.

 

[C@ssandr@]

So, this is very interesting to me. She didn't like how he cared for his kid or his dog so she couldn't imagine having kids with him.

It's interesting because she has a great dad and isn't interested in having a mediocre one for her future kids. This proves to me yet again how much a good dad matters. I wish I learned this before I had my daughter...she doesn't have a good dad at all

Hmm, those sound like really valid complaints. What's the story with his kid? Is he a dead beat? Does he have joint custody?

Also upbringing definitely plays a role in how well we choose our mates. But many of us do learn from our dating experiences. Growing up in a single parent or crappy home doesn't mean we are fated to an unhappy ending, lol.

 

[CaraWalker]

So, this is very interesting to me. She didn't like how he cared for his kid or his dog so she couldn't imagine having kids with him.

It's interesting because she has a great dad and isn't interested in having a mediocre one for her future kids. This proves to me yet again how much a good dad matters. I wish I learned this before I had my daughter...she doesn't have a good dad at all

this is the number one reason people dont want to marry someone theyre in an otherwise good on paper relationship with.

 

[LiftedUp]

The guy doesn't sound abusive or controlling to me. He sounds quite traditional and a bit non communicative.

I'm happy though that she determined that this relationship was something she didn't want and she broke it off instead of feeling unhappy. We don't know what was going on behind closed doors. Everyone's threshold is different. This just wasn't the right guy for her at this point in time.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Where was it said that she had a problem with him having a child?? I didn't see that anywhere.

So he was good enough to live with...upgrade her to a car she cannot afford...but she has a problem that he has a child. Not enough to go on but here's my cursory opinion. She needs to find someone who she will feel she can come first with and he needs to find someone who will accept his child with love. Neither are wrong neither is right...they are just not a good match.

You can fall in love with the wrong person...please trust and believe me on that one....and they still not be the person you know will allow you to be the best person you can be and vice versa. Self awareness speaks volumes when you can walk away despite your feelings. She needs to go and let the "good man" find someone who is at his same water level...like a dog lover....a more traditional role playing dog lover.

Now that said, she on the other had will probably one day come to the conclusion that he was the best for her after all. Hopefully for his sake it will be too late.