The Other Woman Is My Friend

[Brwnbeauti]

She wouldn't be able to talk about someone else's husband with me

 

[topnotch1010]

Yup, either that or stacking her chips. Women rarely NOT know when they are being cheated on.

Exactly! Money plays a HUGE factor in things like this too, for many reasons!

 

[movingforward13]

Trust me- it all falls apart in the end. Stats states only 2-3% of relationships that start in affairs make it. Usually the married man starts cheating on the other woman with another woman once the wife leaves. The wives fair much better- their lives generally get better after the divorce. The Married Man is then stuck with his wh*re and the fantasy falls apart once they both have one another.

That is why, ladies, if a man cheats on you- do not beg, plead, or try to reason with him. Leave him and cut off all communication and see how quickly his life falls apart. Yes, there is pain in that and it is hard to do but trust me.... It is called 180 and No Contact. Once those are implemented hard core, the cheater's world falls apart.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

It is sad that they don't realize that they are apart of the issues in their relationships. Instead of working on it, it's so much easier for them to put their energy in to creating something new with someone else. Having the perspective from my friend, I can see how these women feel they play an important role to these men. The men treat them as if they are important. I see how some feel they get just as much or not more than the wife. Some of these men really act as if they have two wives sometimes. My friend says the only thing the wife has on her is that she has his last name and residence. Other than that she feels she gets treated the same.

 

[syze6]

Honestly, the wife probably has a "friend" too! There's no way he's doing all that and she not know. Humans are very self-serving.

She says she pretty much is about work, home, children and husband. I do agree Men are horrible at hiding cheating! So we had lunch and I told her, I don't want our time together spent on a subject neither of us will agree upon. So I don't have to comment or anyone feel like they are being judged! She agreed, and he was pulling up as we spoke to drop off her birthday gift. Men!!!!

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I have told her that I don't feel it's cool and that she wouldn't want it done to her. It's like beating a dead horse so, I have found that I would rather not even say anything about it. Now..I won't let her or any of my friends use me in a lie to deceive their mate. You got to be on your own on that one. I have been friends over 10 years with her and this has been going on for years with this man. Birds of a feather do not flock together, because I would never interfere in another's relationship. I pray I never have to be in a situation as that also. I just tell her she can do better, she tells me she is doing better and I leave it at that.

People can lift you up or tear you down. By being around her you're taking on beliefs that "everyone is doing it " and somehow it's all the man's wife fault instead of your friend whose rationale and character is questionable at best. Messing around with a married man for years should be a definite deal breaker. Condoning her behavior because you've been friends for 10 years is a cop out.

Again you would NOT want your husband around a "friend" that was carrying on outside of his marriage and planting seeds of "everyone is doing it" in your husband's head. That raunchy friend from college should slowly move to the outer circle of your life limited to Christmas cards and college reunions. She/he shouldn't be an active part of your life. Folks so worried about not hating they've lost sight of keeping any standards. Water rises or sinks to its on level.

 

[syze6]

People can lift you up or tear you down. By being around her you're taking on beliefs that "everyone is doing it " and somehow it's all the man's wife fault instead of your friend whose rationale and character is questionable at best. Messing around with a married man for years should be a definite deal breaker. Condoning her behavior because you've been friends for 10 years is a cop out.

Again you would NOT want your husband around a "friend" that was carrying on outside of his marriage and planting seeds of "everyone is doing it" in your husband's head. That raunchy friend from college should slowly move to the outer circle of your life limited to Christmas cards and college reunions. She/he shouldn't be an active part of your life. Folks so worried about not hating they've lost sight of keeping any standards. Water rises or sinks to its on level.

I do NOT condone what she is doing, which is why I have shared my thoughts on it. I respect others relationships whether it is a marriage or not. I don't think I'm coping out with saying we are friends. She knows how I feel about it, but it will not change anything because she is her own person. Am I supposed to just cut her out of my life? I son't find anything attractive about a man who is cheating on his wife. She on the other hand apparently does. That does not put us in the same boat, because I have told her about it and how it should not be. I give her advice out of love and hope that one day she moves along. Friends have differences about themselves and still maintain friendships. I don't think her actions are a reflection of who I am. I actually feel bad for the wife, because she seems to be all about her family. The one time she told me anything about her, I told her she should not speak about her, and she shouldn't be involved in her family. In this case, I am not a bird flocking together.

 

[LiftedUp]

I do NOT condone what she is doing, which is why I have shared my thoughts on it. I respect others relationships whether it is a marriage or not. I don't think I'm coping out with saying we are friends. She knows how I feel about it, but it will not change anything because she is her own person. Am I supposed to just cut her out of my life? I son't find anything attractive about a man who is cheating on his wife. She on the other hand apparently does. That does not put us in the same boat, because I have told her about it and how it should not be. I give her advice out of love and hope that one day she moves along. Friends have differences about themselves and still maintain friendships. I don't think her actions are a reflection of who I am. I actually feel bad for the wife, because she seems to be all about her family. The one time she told me anything about her, I told her she should not speak about her, and she shouldn't be involved in her family. In this case, I am not a bird flocking together.

You do condone it. You just pretend not to since it doesn't "fall in your garden". Please see the bold:

condone

[kuh n-dohn]

verb (used with object), condoned, condoning.
1.
to disregard or overlook (something illegal, objectionable, or the like):
The government condoned the computer hacking among rival corporations.
2.
to give tacit approval to:
By his silence, he seemed to condone their behavior.
3.
to pardon or forgive (an offense); excuse:
His employers are willing to condone the exaggerations they uncovered in his résumé.

Source: dictionary.com

 

[Jasmataz]

I'd give her my honest opinion about it, and if it really bothered me I'd tell her that I don't want to hear/talk about it. I don't think I'd cut her off though.

If she ends up having sex with my husband, I think I'd be less concerned with having a friend who sleeps with married men, and more concerned with having a husband that sleeps with other women.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I'd give her my honest opinion about it, and if it really bothered me I'd tell her that I don't want to hear/talk about it. I don't think I'd cut her off though.

If she ends up having sex with my husband, I think I'd be less concerned with having a friend who sleeps with married men, and more concerned with having a husband that sleeps with other women.

This makes sense I suppose. Your husband did vow to forsake all others. But you could still wind up kicking yourself for keeping the friendship with this woman if she wound up sleeping with your husband.

 

[Fine 4s]

Did you ever think that maybe the wife knows about the affair and doesn't care enough do something about it? Infidelity isn't always the game changer we like to talk about on this board. If someone is spending that amount of time, energy, and money with someone else, the signs are there for the other person to see. Men don't normally hide infidelity very well.

I have a friend who was a willing participant in an affair. I listened and gave her advice that it wouldn't end well for her. He left the wife but ended up marrying someone else. It didn't affect me or my life one bit. I also compartmentalize all of my relationships and ration my time with them according to their level of success. Some friends are just for entertainment and nothing else. Some have more of an influence on me. If I went around dismissing people because of their flaws, I'd have no friends. Life isn't perfect. It's very messy. Nobody is perfect and most marriages will experience some form of infidelity, if they last long enough. Nowadays, they don't. :-/

Dang, he left the wife but didn't get with the other woman?! Now that buuuuurns.

ITA with your post. People can be so judgemental even with untested values.
Then, we find reasons for why OUR situation is different smh.
I've also noticed that people who pretend to not associate with folks that have different experiences are curious about the other life and love to hear the drama. It's entertainment

Back to OP, If you want to be friends, be friends and if not, let this be the excuse to cut ties.
If you want to discuss it, discuss it. Who's it uncomfortable for and why?
Either way, make the decision base on your own level of comfort and values.
All interactions are opportunities for learning. Either this will force you to re-think your views develop empathy and understanding for such situations or solidify your existing views. Either way it's growth.

Or, just think WWJD lmao!

 

[bklynbornNbred]

You keep defending your relationship with her without acknowledging how continuing to be around her will hurt you.

You still haven't answered how your husband feels about this friendship.

When people say birds of a feather they don't mean you're going to do the same exact thing. No one is saying that you're going to cheat. However the same fuzzy "it's not hurting me so I won't say anything to her because she's my friend" can and will affect you even if you refuse to see it that way.

Good Luck.

 

[Fine 4s]

I don't agree with you @bklynbornNbred but you made some good points.
I guess it boils down (and always does) to value differences. You can't teach that.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I think some of it has to do with age. When I was a teenager and in my 20' s my friend that was (still is) a hoe wasn't an issue for me because she was my friend and I defended that friendship. As we got older she was still doing ho **** and it got old fast. (I mean going to a party and running into more than one woman ready to jump her over her "friendships" with other men). While I wasn't married I could no longer "ignore" her behavior because although her hoing didn't directly affect me it absolutely would have reflected on me. She was the weak link on every category that matters with friends. Knowing someone since you were kids doesn't mean they have a pass to stay in your circle forever.

Even today I would not bring her around any man I was serious with. She has an issue. I would be a fool to stick my head in the sand and have her around me and then blame the man for not resisting the test.

 

[Jasmataz]

This makes sense I suppose. Your husband did vow to forsake all others. But you could still wind up kicking yourself for keeping the friendship with this woman if she wound up sleeping with your husband.

I get what you're saying, and while I'd be hurt if my friend did this to me, I just don't think I'd kick myself over it. There are women who are willing to sleep with married men everywhere. If it wasn't the friend he would've found someone else.

 

[Jasmataz]

Also, with most of the "my friend slept with my husband" stories that I hear, the husband was the first married man the friend ever slept with. So I guess the only way you can make sure that your husband isn't cheating on you with your friends is to keep him away from them altogether.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I think some of it has to do with age. When I was a teenager and in my 20' s my friend that was (still is) a hoe wasn't an issue for me because she was my friend and I defended that friendship. As we got older she was still doing ho **** and it got old fast. (I mean going to a party and running into more than one woman ready to jump her over her "friendships" with other men). While I wasn't married I could no longer "ignore" her behavior because although her hoing didn't directly affect me it absolutely would have reflected on me. She was the weak link on every category that matters with friends. Knowing someone since you were kids doesn't mean they have a pass to stay in your circle forever.

Even today I would not bring her around any man I was serious with. She has an issue. I would be a fool to stick my head in the sand and have her around me and then blame the man for not resisting the test.

The bolded was the same issue I was having a few years ago for similar reasons and add drug use to it also....I let the friendship go and it worked for me. The things I found out later on made me so angry with myself....for not leaving the friendship sooner. You are right about not affect but reflect. Try being reflected by things you did not know but others did...Yeah I'm good on the sticking by the trife even if it makes me seem judgmental" I will still treat you well...I dont have to be around you tho.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Also, with most of the "my friend slept with my husband" stories that I hear, the husband was the first married man the friend ever slept with. So I guess the only way you can make sure that your husband isn't cheating on you with your friends is to keep him away from them altogether.

Lies and fairy tales. That kind of thinking puts too much responsibility on others and none on yourself to choose better.

This phenomenon of "frienemies" has the game twisted. My true friends know their husbands can be with me and nothing is going to happen. We just don't get down like that. Values are not contingent on the amount of liquor used or we had an argument. If you have to question if something could happen then you need to reevaluate both the friend and the husband. If your circle is tight and you chose right then trusting your husband around your friends will not be an issue.

 

[movingforward13]

I think some of it has to do with age. When I was a teenager and in my 20' s my friend that was (still is) a hoe wasn't an issue for me because she was my friend and I defended that friendship. As we got older she was still doing ho **** and it got old fast. (I mean going to a party and running into more than one woman ready to jump her over her "friendships" with other men). While I wasn't married I could no longer "ignore" her behavior because although her hoing didn't directly affect me it absolutely would have reflected on me. She was the weak link on every category that matters with friends. Knowing someone since you were kids doesn't mean they have a pass to stay in your circle forever.

Even today I would not bring her around any man I was serious with. She has an issue. I would be a fool to stick my head in the sand and have her around me and then blame the man for not resisting the test.

This- I remember hearing a group of men saying they judge women and their company. If you girl is a stripper, they automatically assume you are too. If your girl is a prostitute, they assume the same.... So on and so forth. In my 20s, I didn't understand nor cared. Since I hit my 30s (and had that BS happen to me) I get it now.

 

[IronButterfly]

Trust me- it all falls apart in the end. Stats states only 2-3% of relationships that start in affairs make it. Usually the married man starts cheating on the other woman with another woman once the wife leaves. The wives fair much better- their lives generally get better after the divorce. The Married Man is then stuck with his wh*re and the fantasy falls apart once they both have one another.

That is why, ladies, if a man cheats on you- do not beg, plead, or try to reason with him. Leave him and cut off all communication and see how quickly his life falls apart. Yes, there is pain in that and it is hard to do but trust me.... It is called 180 and No Contact. Once those are implemented hard core, the cheater's world falls apart.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

If more women had the heart to do that, rather than lashing out at the other woman, less men would cheat. Men really do fall apart when their heart is broken and have a much harder time recovering than women.

 

[IronButterfly]

This- I remember hearing a group of men saying they judge women and their company. If you girl is a stripper, they automatically assume you are too. If your girl is a prostitute, they assume the same.... So on and so forth. In my 20s, I didn't understand nor cared. Since I hit my 30s (and had that BS happen to me) I get it now.

Isn't this just another way for men to control women? God knows they don't feel the same way about the crowd they hang with.

 

[movingforward13]

Isn't this just another way for men to control women? God knows they don't feel the same way about the crowd they hang with.

Good point.

I however view men in the same regard. I swear, I may have lucked out when it comes to my guy. He stays away from guys that are negative influences. He hangs around married men that are devoted to their families.

 

[movingforward13]

He hangs around married men that are devoted to their families.

Which may explain why he is looking forward to being married.

 

[Jasmataz]

Lies and fairy tales. That kind of thinking puts too much responsibility on others and none on yourself to choose better.

This phenomenon of "frienemies" has the game twisted. My true friends know their husbands can be with me and nothing is going to happen. We just don't get down like that. Values are not contingent on the amount of liquor used or we had an argument. If you have to question if something could happen then you need to reevaluate both the friend and the husband. If your circle is tight and you chose right then trusting your husband around your friends will not be an issue.

I think you misunderstood me. I'm not actually suggesting that women keep there husbands away from their friends so that they won't cheat.

A few posters felt that if your friend cheats with another woman's man then she will more than likely do it with yours. My point was that if you honestly believe your husband would be trifling enough to sleep with one of your friends then you might as well keep him away from all of them because your friend doesn't have to have a history of sleeping with taken men to be trifling enough to sleep with yours. And while I would be disappointment in my friend for knowingly sleeping with a taken man, I'm not going to automatically assume that she's some Jezebel who wants to sleep with everyone's husband just because she had one affair. Now, if she made a habit out of it and felt no kind of remorse, then I'd probably feel differently.

And I agree, if a woman chooses a husband and friends that she can trust then there's nothing to worry about .

 

[syze6]

You do condone it. You just pretend not to since it doesn't "fall in your garden". Please see the bold:

I disagree...my family member doesn't have to be ill, for me to grieve for another's family member illness. I don't have to be homeless, for me to feel saddened about a homeless person. I can have an opinion about something whether it involves me or not. I don't high five her for being with someone's husband the way another woman might. I have outright told her SHE is wrong and HE is wrong. I have never pulled punches when it came to that. So It doesn't have to be my husband for me to feel her sleeping with another's husband is WRONG.

 

[syze6]

You keep defending your relationship with her without acknowledging how continuing to be around her will hurt you.

You still haven't answered how your husband feels about this friendship.

When people say birds of a feather they don't mean you're going to do the same exact thing. No one is saying that you're going to cheat. However the same fuzzy "it's not hurting me so I won't say anything to her because she's my friend" can and will affect you even if you refuse to see it that way.

Good Luck.

He doesn't have a problem with my friendship with her. The only problem he has is if I start to behave in the manner she is. He believes people have their own mind.

 

[movingforward13]

Taken from my Infidelity Board- someone asked the question why be upset with the other woman whom made no vows to the wife.
"We live in a society. There are certain expectations, whether explicitly promised or implicit by those who agree to live in society rather than being hermits. Not being part of deception, betrayal and fraud is a part of that."

Societal Contracts - F*cking brilliant. Someone needs to get this woman a medal.

 

[movingforward13]

Taken from my Infidelity Board- someone asked the question why be upset with the other woman whom made no vows to the wife.
"We live in a society. There are certain expectations, whether explicitly promised or implicit by those who agree to live in society rather than being hermits. Not being part of deception, betrayal and fraud is a part of that."

Societal Contracts - F*cking brilliant. Someone needs to get this woman a medal.

Which is why I can not deal with people whom take part in these actions or condone this behavior.

 

[gabulldawg]

LOL! Not the other woman in my relationship.

When you are married or in a relationship and your friend is the other woman in a marriage or relationship, is that a topic you guys just don't discuss? How do you maintain a friendship with your friend who is another woman in someone's marriage, if you are married as well or in a long term relationship? Do you excuse yourself from the conversation when she starts talking about the guy?

I have a friend like this and I am married. We do not discuss her escapades, but I know last I heard she was sleeping with a guy at my last job who is engaged to his child's mother (she has birthed two of his children). Since he is in a security role I assume he has an easy alibi. He can just say he has to go to work and spend time with my friend.

When we first met she was very defensive about it and thought I would judge her. Even though I do not condone or support what she does I do not judge her (not my place!!) and let her know that I didn't. Nowadays we don't talk about it at all. I don't ask her about her love life and she doesn't bring it up with me.

The ironic thing is she makes sure that I do not disrespect my marriage. She makes sure we don't go out too often and that I do't stay out too late. She has met my husband and we have hung out together a few times.

 

[summertimewine]

Whoa you're better than me. You're bringing cheating marriage vibes into your own marriage. If you are condoning cheating within a marriage (and you are, by being her friend you are condoning her behavior) then your husband is going to pick up on that and think that you think cheating is acceptable. So either he is going to cheat, or he is going to think that you're going to cheat.

IMO if a relationship in my life doesn't bring me happiness or some sort of value to my life then I cut ties.

You're crazy lol couldn't be me

 

[LunadeMiel]

I'm in this same situation OP. My friend is with a married man and he helps her financially. The thing is I've know this girl since birth and it hurts me. I only found out recently that she's sleeping with a married and it hurts me because I don't associate with people like that. The sad thing is I'm her child's Godmother so it's hard for me to fade to black. *sigh*...she's a sweet girl and I know she's not doing it because she wants the man, she just wants his money so that she can help her family. I admit that I do judge her and I've told her that what she's doing is wrong...but I do feel like by continuing the friendship I'm in essence condoning it. It's hard though because I've had way more opportunities than her and am capable of doing for myself financially while she has limited means...