Would you be the Other Woman?

[janda]

About two months ago, one of my good friends found out that her DH was cheating on her. He had been in a "relationship" with a co-worker for the past year. My friend, of course, was devastated but not necessarily surprised because her marriage had been on the rocks for quite some time. The revelation of the affair has now pushed them both into counseling and they are now finally addressing the issues that were negatively affecting their relationship. Her husband says that he has ended the affair and wants to save their marriage.

Since my friend shared this with me, I found out that I kind of know the other woman. I've met her a few times because she is a friend of a friend. Here's my question: Why would a woman become the "other woman"? This woman is 36 yo, well educated with great career, attractive, goes to church. She claims she wants to get married and have children. I just don't understand this. Not only is it morally wrong but why would a woman waste her time on a married cheater? Maybe someone could enlighten me. Is it that bad out there?

 

[NicWhite]

I think some people do it:

*for the excitment.

*because they love the idea of taking what someone else has.

*becasue they do not want the full responsibility of a real relationship.

*becuase they think the guy can't really be that demanding, because she knows that he can't risk the spouse finding out.

It's a shame though. Sorry for your friend.

 

[FlowerHair]

She's probably hoping that he will divorce and marry her instead...

 

[Mrs.Green]

Three words - Low Self Esteem!!!

Some women just dont know their worth and will KNOWINGLY settle for a piece of a man rather than the whole man. For whatever their personall reason is.. some do it under the banner of them just being in the relationship for the sport of it and having fun, and some of them just don't care.

I always blame the man in the relationship, some women aren't aware of the wife/main woman. But for the women that know, they need to know their worth.

 

[Kimgirl50]

No. Im pretty cocky lol. And I've never been good at sharing. Plus I couldn't live with the amount of pain the women would feel (especially if she decided to kill herself,me,her husband,kids etc.) you never know what someones going through and i don't wanna be the cause for adding on to it
.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I think in most cases the guy spins it like he is already divorced but he just hasn't filed yet. He probably told her that he was two point three seconds from moving out, and he had already decided ages ago to divorce Satan (his evil cruel wife ) and move on with his life. So in her mind she probably thinks it is inconvenient timing, but not necessarily bad in and of itself. Then he comes at her with this excuse and that excuse about how he can't leave yet because of xyz and if she will just be patient... which drags on and on... until she realizes that she is a jumpoff! At which point the OW starts getting demanding that he leave right now. This is when she mails an anonymous letter or "accidentally" gets pregnant to force the man's hand.

Of course you will have some girls who "date" married men on purpose for money, or out of sheer evilness. But I think what I described above happens to women much of the time.

 

[janda]

Perhaps she initially got sucked in but she definitely knew he was married with 2 small children. I don't really know the other woman I've just met her once or twice through a mutual friend. I was just shocked that she would get involved in such a thing. Maybe she deluded herself into thinking he'd leave his wife and kids. But why would you even want a man like that?

 

[nik83]

Three words - Low Self Esteem!!!

Some women just dont know their worth and will KNOWINGLY settle for a piece of a man rather than the whole man. For whatever their personall reason is.. some do it under the banner of them just being in the relationship for the sport of it and having fun, and some of them just don't care.

I always blame the man in the relationship, some women aren't aware of the wife/main woman. But for the women that know, they need to know their worth.

Definitely agree!! I have never been the other women of a married man, but I have been in a relationship where I was told he was no longer with his child's mother, but they lived together. I was at such a low point, that I excepted it, just to be with him, and he wasn't even anything spectacular, just wanted to be with me. Well when he was tired of me, he moved on to another girl, probably with lower self esteem. I can tell you, that I want a husband, and kids, yet I was low enough to get with someone that was not available! It took being cheated on by someone that was clearly cheating on someone with me to hit bottom ,and come to my senses. SMDH looking back at it!

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Been there done that donated the shirt to goodwill..Its alot deeper than what has been said but for some it can be low self value for others it can be way deeper..I tend not to judge either party since its not my place to wag fingers however it takes two to tango so both parties were codependent on each other.

My best friend and ex roommate's bf is married.His wife is about 10 to 13 yrs older and wont put out,is emotionally abusive and basically as killing him slowly.He seems to have his life back with my friend.He says he doesnt want to hurt the wife by divorcing her..its not right but I have never seen to ppl in love in my life..

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I think in most cases the guy spins it like he is already divorced but he just hasn't filed yet. He probably told her that he was two point three seconds from moving out, and he had already decided ages ago to divorce Satan (his evil cruel wife ) and move on with his life. So in her mind she probably thinks it is inconvenient timing, but not necessarily bad in and of itself. Then he comes at her with this excuse and that excuse about how he can't leave yet because of xyz and if she will just be patient... which drags on and on... until she realizes that she is a jumpoff! At which point the OW starts getting demanding that he leave right now. This is when she mails an anonymous letter or "accidentally" gets pregnant to force the man's hand.

Of course you will have some girls who "date" married men on purpose for money, or out of sheer evilness. But I think what I described above happens to women much of the time.

But sometimes its more like this:

I think some people do it:

*for the excitment.

*because they love the idea of taking what someone else has.

*becasue they do not want the full responsibility of a real relationship.

*becuase they think the guy can't really be that demanding, because she knows that he can't risk the spouse finding out.

 

[OhTall1]

*becasue they do not want the full responsibility of a real relationship

^^^
This.

I have a married male friend at work who is CONSTANTLY being asked out by other women in our company. When he points at his wedding ring and tells them that he's married, about 50% of the time, the response is "So what?"

 

[MD_Lady]

*sigh* It could be anything from him misleading her into thinking his marriage was over to her just not giving a darn. Now what I can't even begin to explain is why a person whose relationship began with infidelity thinks they'll be "different".

 

[janda]

Been there done that donated the shirt to goodwill..Its alot deeper than what has been said but for some it can be low self value for others it can be way deeper..I tend not to judge either party since its not my place to wag fingers however it takes two to tango so both parties were codependent on each other.

My best friend and ex roommate's bf is married.His wife is about 10 to 13 yrs older and wont put out,is emotionally abusive and basically as killing him slowly.He seems to have his life back with my friend.He says he doesnt want to hurt the wife by divorcing her..its not right but I have never seen to ppl in love in my life..

If he were so miserable he'd leave his wife whether or not your friend was in the picture. IMO these people are not really in love.

 

[janda]

^^^
This.

I have a married male friend at work who is CONSTANTLY being asked out by other women in our company. When he points at his wedding ring and tells them that he's married, about 50% of the time, the response is "So what?"

So sad. I just wish women would have higher self-esteem and not fool themselves into thinking these men even know how to love. My friend's DH has lots of issues which have nothing to do with her.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

If he were so miserable he'd leave his wife whether or not your friend was in the picture. IMO these people are not really in love.

Yea in other circumstances I would believe you but in this one here I dont agree.I have never seen 2 ppl who have gone through bloody hell in relationships be able to communicate and be so loving with one another..I have never seen such respect..if one was to see them together you would think what the perfect couple but then they tell you that one thing and it throws folks..there is always exceptions to the rule even when the masses dont understand.

 

[OhmyKimB]

Some people get sucked in and then love becomes a part of it.

Of course I'm gonna get attacked or told that has nothing to do with and blah blah blah and knowing better and all this and all that.

Sometimes though people just innocently get sucked into things. Other then knowing her slight it's not like u know her level of naivety or whatever....even the most naive person can be well educated.... I was just having this convo with me mom about the things I don't know how to do and probably may not learn easily learn or learn anytime slightly soon

 

[Ganjababy]

If a man is cheating on his wife he will tell his side piece anything to justify him cheating. Believe that. Men can cheat more easily and do not feel any less love for their wives/SO. For most men, sex is sex. They can have sex with others and still love their wives.

 

[RocStar]

Yea in other circumstances I would believe you but in this one here I dont agree.I have never seen 2 ppl who have gone through bloody hell in relationships be able to communicate and be so loving with one another..I have never seen such respect..if one was to see them together you would think what the perfect couple but then they tell you that one thing and it throws folks..there is always exceptions to the rule even when the masses dont understand.

Cheating on your wife and having a relationship with another woman is far from respect. It is actually disrespectful. And some would say it is disrespectful for a woman to knowingly (or knowingly continue) be in a relationship with a married man. I think sometimes we try to make love complicated or complex...or maybe I just make it too simple. If you love me and you want to be with me then you need to put a ring on it. I am not about to be a sister wife.

If a man is cheating on his wife he will tell his side piece anything to justify him cheating. Believe that. Men can cheat more easily and do not feel any less love for their wives/SO. For most men, sex is sex. They can have sex with others and still love their wives.

I agree!

 

[vevster]

Yea in other circumstances I would believe you but in this one here I dont agree.I have never seen 2 ppl who have gone through bloody hell in relationships be able to communicate and be so loving with one another..I have never seen such respect..if one was to see them together you would think what the perfect couple but then they tell you that one thing and it throws folks..there is always exceptions to the rule even when the masses dont understand.

So y no divorce? Don't understand.

Haha, I don't think anyone would come to this thread and say, "Yes, I would be the other woman".

 

[R4L]

this thread will not end well.....

 

[spelmanlocks]

My best friend and ex roommate's bf is married.His wife is about 10 to 13 yrs older and wont put out,is emotionally abusive and basically as killing him slowly.He seems to have his life back with my friend.He says he doesnt want to hurt the wife by divorcing her..its not right but I have never seen to ppl in love in my life..

I've never been the other woman but I know quite a few guys who have cheated. Sometimes guys bash the wife to make the other woman feel sorry for them and to give her justification for sleeping with him. I've heard too many stories of women saying well he told me how terrible his wife was when in reality he was just wanted a side piece for some fun and would say anything to get her to agree to it. Your friend needs to be careful because she is opening herself up for a world of hurt.

 

[daydreem2876]

To answer the question...

No, I would not. I am a firm believer in what you put out in the universe is what you get back, in all things. If a relationship is to prosper, it must be done in decency and in order. Sometimes that means making hard decisions and dealing with hurt feelings. However, the alternative being in a relationship that cannot reach it full potential, a waste of time. Some people are cool with settling. Me, I have waited too long, I am far too old, and know way too much just to settle for half a relationship.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

here is the key thing. they were co-workers FIRST so i'm wondering if this started out as one of those "office spouse" type of relationship.

anyone care to elaborate?

 

[awhyley]

My best friend and ex roommate's bf is married.His wife is about 10 to 13 yrs older and wont put out,is emotionally abusive and basically as killing him slowly.He seems to have his life back with my friend.He says he doesnt want to hurt the wife by divorcing her..its not right but I have never seen to ppl in love in my life..

If his wife is terrible as he makes out, he would be jumping to get out of that relationship, esp. if he had proof of her treatment, girlfriend on da side, or no girlfriend on da side. Not wanting to hurt his wife; what a crock.

Yea in other circumstances I would believe you but in this one here I dont agree.I have never seen 2 ppl who have gone through bloody hell in relationships be able to communicate and be so loving with one another..I have never seen such respect..if one was to see them together you would think what the perfect couple but then they tell you that one thing and it throws folks..there is always exceptions to the rule even when the masses dont understand.

Everything is great because she knows her role. He doesn't want to leave and she's happy with things the way that they are. Everything's peachy.

Haha, I don't think anyone would come to this thread and say, "Yes, I would be the other woman".

Tru, tru.

this thread will not end well.....

This thread will be ok. No "otherwomangate" for this thread.

 

[JJamiah]

I would never be the other women. I have dated men in the past I didn't know were in relationships/married (2 to be exact) I recieved a call 4am about a husband. I am like who.... Well didn't you see a ring on his finger... No dear I never did and that is the first thing I look for he doesn't wear a ring..... She apologized and I assured her nothing happend but a date and it would not continue.

I am TOOOO selfish to except being second or sharing.



ON THE OTHER HAND...

I know women who do it nono it is keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I know these women have no morals or respect for marriage.

I believe what you put out into the universe you get back. I have seen that happen to these women and they wonder why they are still looking for love.

 

[TrueToHair]

..............................

 

[Imani]

No, I would not. Too messy, its not worth it.

I might get stoned, but I'ma be honest when I was younger, I probably would have if the right dude came at me. Had a devil may care attitude and didn't think of anyone but myself and having fun. Didn't want to be married (still iffy on marriage), didn't want a boyfriend, just wanted to do whatever was fun, exciting and felt good.

But even back then though, the married dudes who were trying to flirt always came across as desperate and weird/creepy/perverted;thus I was not drawn to do anything with them

 

[Makenzie]

Been there done that donated the shirt to goodwill..Its alot deeper than what has been said but for some it can be low self value for others it can be way deeper..I tend not to judge either party since its not my place to wag fingers however it takes two to tango so both parties were codependent on each other.

My best friend and ex roommate's bf is married.His wife is about 10 to 13 yrs older and wont put out,is emotionally abusive and basically as killing him slowly.He seems to have his life back with my friend.He says he doesnt want to hurt the wife by divorcing her..its not right but I have never seen to ppl in love in my life..

The bolded statements contradict each other. He cheats on her because she treats him bad and won't have sex with him, but he doesn't want to hurt her. So the wife is ok with the cheating?

 

[MzLady78]

So y no divorce? Don't understand.

Haha, I don't think anyone would come to this thread and say, "Yes, I would be the other woman".

I asked a man that I knew was a cheater this question and essentially his response was "it's cheaper to keep her".

When having this same convo with single guys, I've gotten pretty much that same response.

Not condoning cheating at all, but walking away from a marriage is very different from walking away from relationship.

 

[janda]

Thanks ladies for your responses. On the outside this woman ( and I use the term loosely) seems as though has has a lot going for her. But, I guess that does not mean she has high self-esteem and self-worth. I'm sure my friend's DH painted a very sad story about his wife and marriage and perhaps she thought he'd leave and one day be with her.
When my friend found out about the affair, she threw her DH out and told him to go with with this other woman. He didn't and went to his mother's house instead. He claims that he has stopped the affair and the woman did not take it hard because "she knew what was up". They are now both in counseling so we'll see what happens with their marriage. It's really sad because they have 2 small children.
I would never want to be the other woman. Twice before I got married I dated men who had girlfriends who lived out of town. The men hid the fact that they had girlfriends. As soon as I found out, I dumped them. Yes, it hurt but I would not want to share a man and I wouldn't want to be with a cheat. How could you ever trust him?