Would You Allow Your Dh....

[GetHappy2014]

to be friends with an attractive female coworker? My girlfriend and her husband of 15 yrs are having major disagreements over him being friends with an attractive co-worker. My friend met this co-worker in person at her DH's company party along with other co-workers she has met previously. So the other co-workers were sure to inform her about the friendly conversations her DH has with this co-worker, mostly initiated by DH. The overall character of this co-worker is that she is professional, attractive, very well liked by the male and female co-workers and SINGLE. My girlfriend and her DH has had major disagreements about this 'issue'. She doesn't want her DH to associate with the co-worker unless it is absolutely necessary for work. DH is defiant and feels that my girlfriend is trying to control him and is being unreasonable. My girlfriend has threatened to leave him, and he has dug his heels in. Lastly, I must add that the co-workers who informed my girlfriend about the friendship also mentioned that DH looks at this co-worker as if he is attracted to her, but the co-worker has yet to notice or just doesn't show any interest. Does girlfriend have the right to dictate whether her DH has a friendship with this particular co-worker?

 

[LivingInPeace]

I would feel the same way as your friend. But I'm a very jealous person.

 

[SouthernStunner]

Phuck NO. Man he got me PHUCKED UP. I aint the one and since he is so defiant cause me pause too. I don't want to hear no s**t about trust either. As a man or a women you don't put yourself in certain types of situations. You play with fire yo *** will get burned!

 

[Cheleigh]

Why are the co-workers so invested in telling the DW about her DH? I wouldn't let them dictate my relationship. She'll be leaving her DH, and none of his co-workers will be around to help her through it.

So, no, I don't think she should leave him for it, but she should be very clear about how his relationship with his co-worker makes her feel, and out of respect for her feelings he should drop the friendship. Is this friendship with ol' girl worth his relationship with his wife? It sounds like the DH is insulted that she doesn't trust him to make the right decision, and that's why he's being stubborn. But it really can't be about that at this point--it has to be about how this is affecting the DW. But if he does end the friendship, if I were the DW, I'd really get to the root of why I'm allowing what other people say to significantly influence my relationship with my DH. Because these sorts of workplace friendships happen pretty often, and she's only going to have so many times to get him to end a friendship like this before it gets real old.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

This is an odd story. How close is she to her husbands co-workers that they are pulling her aside and spilling tea like that?

I would make my opinion known then watch carefully how things unfold. If it's nothing then no harm, if something comes of it then the plan was already in the works.

 

[RocStar]

Your friend is trippin'.

Both her and her DH need to keep other people out of their relationship business.

There are always going to be single, attractive co-workers. If she doesn't trust her man at work, then she shouldn't be with him.

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

I would've said she was probably overreacting until you mentioned the husband refused to back off the friendship. Whether I'm right or wrong, if I ask my husband to do something because it made me uncomfortable then he will do it. Not battle me about it esp if it involved another woman.

 

[PeaceFlow]

He wants too be with her, or in her...

The co workers are messy by passing the wife all this detailed gossip though. Giving her a heads up about DH's friendliness is more than enough. The blow by blow of how many seconds he looks at her, or whatever is just going to cause a bunch extra upset.

I'm lucky my parters have been very self regulating. FH is the most OTT with it. If any woman seems to be too fond of him he's cold until they cant stand him. Same with anything that may lead to mutual attraction. At first I thought that was team doing too much (he can be ice cold lol), but now I appreciate he doesn't want trouble. It would be a very different to be with someone who's always actively trying to talk to the purdy girl in the office. Noticing the new girl is purdy is fine, but always trying to initiate contact to the point that others are noticing and feeling embarrassed for me, no.

Funny two of my female managers my last work used to chase the cute men in there and they'd be talking all the time, going off to lunch together. Both married. I found that distasteful.

 

[lux10023]

um the co-workers are messy....getting involved in married ppl business ugh

My issue here is that if the relationship my dh has with a woman makes me uncomfortable or if anything made me uncomfortable i would expect dh to address it and fix it

i just so happen to have been in a situation like this yrs ago when i was single...where i was that co-worker but i ended the co-worker friendship as i stated i don't want to add any drama to your life and if our work relationship is doing so- i will remove myself from our work friendship

on the flip side im not a jealous person but i know dh comes into tons of contact with the gorg women of nyc buttttt as i stated him being friends with women is not the issue as i know his female friends but if i felt a friendship was inappropriate or it made me feel uneasy...i would expect him to end the friendship because i dont trip over much so if its a concern of mine it is significant...plus my dh would NOT be comfortable with any male friends i have....we're almost 6 yrs in and he is just now comfortable with all of my male childhood friends who are married lol

i dont think this is worth ending a marriage over but i do think the couple needs to come to a mutual understanding of opposite sex friends and conduct.....

 

[hopeful]

I imagine this isn't the first time your friend's dh has displayed poor boundaries. The co-workers probably feel uncomfortable about the situation. Messy? Maybe. But it sounds like they are trying to be helpful to her as well. I'd prefer that to them being quiet and her being the last to know. I'm sorry for your friend. How hurtful for him to dig his heels in over this. If I were you I'd tell her that she's wasting her breath. He's going to do what he wants. She can't monitor him 24/7. I think one of the most important traits in a husband is good boundaries and making his wife a priority. And as @Sumra said, self regulation.

 

[TayMac]

You can't control anyone so allowing is not how I would word it. However, I would expect my spouse to have awareness, self-control and respect for me (whether I'm present or not).

It would be draining to be married to someone whose activities/friendships I have to police like a child...especially at work where you spend a lot of time.

And similar to a child, he seems to be more drawn to the woman after being banned from socializing with her.

I agree with @hopeful. That's not the first time he has acted in this way.

 

[BlackRinse]

Maybe he really just enjoys having her as a friend? And connecting / networking with other people?

 

[LiftedUp]

The fact that he cannot understand and/or respect how this "friendship" can make his wife feel speaks volumes.

This is not an old friend but a new one. Also there's nothing wrong with keeping it professional in the workplace.

I think that your friend needs to start working on a plan b. I can be a bit paranoid but I don't see this "friendship" remaining platonic , unless it has already gone further and the "friend" is just better at keeping a professional front at work than the husband. I also think that the coworkers are trying to say more without totally spilling the beans.

 

[WhoIAm]

She's threatening to leave over conversations?

She needs to trust that the man she married knows how to act right at work. It's established that everyone likes this woman so I'm not sure (apart from her being single) what the issue is.

Tell your friend to watch out for the attractive married co-workers as well. I've read most affairs happen with other married people.

 

[brownb83]

I just wonder how the DH would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

His wife was chasing a attractive single,. Co.worker?

 

[movingforward]

I wouldn't leave my husband. But I would express to him how it makes me feel.

I would tell him, in a non-threatening way, if he continues the relationship. Which is really his decision that He should be ready to deal with the consequences that come with it.

Being the SCORPIO woman that I am.....I would make sure he FEELS those consequences. I'm patient and good at teaching lessons he will never forgot.

 

[PJaye]

I have several questions...

Has the wife demonstrated a tendency towards wigging out or jealousy as it relates to women who interact with her husband? (If so, this may be the husband's way of saying "enough is enough" and putting his foot down.) Does the husband have any other female friends? If so, how does the wife feel about them? Why are the coworkers engaging in runteldat? Do they have a close relationship with the wife? If not, what's their angle? Why do they feel comfortable enough to engage their coworker's wife in this manner? Have they done it before? If the coworker were unattractive, would the wife still insist that her husband curtail his interactions with her? Has she made such demands on the husband before as it relates to other female associates? I need more information before drawing a conclusion.

 

[Atthatday]

Red flags galore: one of many: is the DW jealous OR have they been down this road before?

 

[ElizaBlue]

You cannot stop free will. She's already lost the battle and may soon lose the war. I wouldn't leave him nor make any demands on him. But what I would do is start getting my financial affairs in order. If not this woman it will be another one. If you have to demand your husband change the way he acts around another woman and he in turn fights to have the right to do so...it's a wrap.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

I know this sounds harsh but he may want his wife to leave. Men look for opportunities and use them to their advantage. After 15 years he makes having a new female friend a priority speaks volumes. If they don't trust and respect each other their relationship is doomed. I do find it odd that coworkers would have the alliance to the wife. But maybe your friend is a nice person the office is trying to protect.

 

[GetHappy2014]

I have several questions...

Has the wife demonstrated a tendency towards wigging out or jealousy as it relates to women who interact with her husband? (If so, this may be the husband's way of saying "enough is enough" and putting his foot down.) Does the husband have any other female friends? If so, how does the wife feel about them? Why are the coworkers engaging in runteldat? Do they have a close relationship with the wife? If not, what's their angle? Why do they feel comfortable enough to engage their coworker's wife in this manner? Have they done it before? If the coworker were unattractive, would the wife still insist that her husband curtail his interactions with her? Has she made such demands on the husband before as it relates to other female associates? I need more information before drawing a conclusion.

@PJaye,
Your questions are the very reason why I can't give her advice.... Yes, he has other friendships with other female co-workers, including the ones that spilled the tea. No, she's not really close to his female co-workers except one (but not like best friend close they've double dated), there are other single women (& according to DW not necessarily unattractive) in the office... So, I wonder if it's because she's attractive and friendly. Yes, she always monitors DH but she is usually not this direct and insistent. I think the co-workers put a 'bee in her bonnet'.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I have a feeling the problem is the wife's approach. Did she ask him to stop hanging out with this woman at work because she was uncomfortable or did she command him to stop and expect him to obey like you would a child? That would explain him digging in his heels.

Also, I'm suspicious of the co-workers. That's too much tea for someone you aren't close to. It doesn't feel right.

 

[movingforward]

@PJaye,
Your questions are the very reason why I can't give her advice.... Yes, he has other friendships with other female co-workers, including the ones that spilled the tea. No, she's not really close to his female co-workers except one (but not like best friend close they've double dated), there are other single women (& according to DW not necessarily unattractive) in the office... So, I wonder if it's because she's attractive and friendly. Yes, she always monitors DH but she is usually not this direct and insistent. I think the co-workers put a 'bee in her bonnet'.

@ElizaBlue gave you the best advice to give your friend. Sooner or later he is going to cheat and there's nothing she can do about it.

I would do the back off approach and also get my life in order.

 

[junipertree]

I personally would not have demanded or even asked that he stop being friends with the coworker - especially since he has other female friends and it seems like the main reason why she's uncomfortable with this one is because she's attractive. It just makes her look insecure. I would take what the coworkers are telling her with a grain of salt - they could possibly be jealous of homegirl because I see no other reason why they would run and spill all this alleged tea to the wife of one of their coworkers. That makes no sense.

That being said, her husband's response is concerning. The fact that he's willing to risk his marriage over a new friendship speaks volumes. I would be questioning what is so important about that friendship that he can't let it go for the sake of his marriage. I don't buy the control slant - guys like to use that to justify them wanting to do what they want. Well, in a marriage you make compromises. That's an immature way of dealing with his wive's concerns even if they are based on insecurity.

I would definitely have my antennae up. I don't see a good ending to this story.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

Your friend is trippin'.

Both her and her DH need to keep other people out of their relationship business.

There are always going to be single, attractive co-workers. If she doesn't trust her man at work, then she shouldn't be with him.

I agree with this BUT the fact that he is defiant at all would be a huge problem for me. Whether the work friends are busybodies or think they are looking out for her or what, the fact that I'm concerned about it would have to be his concern, not his need for independence or a work friendship. That would turn me off. Plus, the picture they are painting makes him sound like a loser. He is pining away and she is #oblivious. That would turn me off too.

I don't mean turn me off sexually, I meanit would be difficult not to harden my heart to him. I'd want to walk in the house everyday thinking "this ole wack arse n*****". So in other words, yeah this is a problem.

 

[brownb83]

You cannot stop free will. She's already lost the battle and may soon lose the war. I wouldn't leave him nor make any demands on him. But what I would do is start getting my financial affairs in order. If not this woman it will be another one. If you have to demand your husband change the way he acts around another woman and he in turn fights to have the right to do so...it's a wrap.

END OF THE THREAD!!!!!

This is the pure uncut truth.

 

[ivyness]

My SO has a lot of female friends. We are about 3 months in. Best believe he knows (he actually told me) that he doesn't need any female friends if he has me In his life. Them or me no two ways about it.

Then again I am from the school of thought where men and women can't be *just a friend*

 

[Kimbosheart]

There may be nothing to see here but the egos of each spouse. I think everyone's perspective on this is potentially accurate. Meaning, I don't think it's necessarily that he's cheating or will or intends to but then its also no guarantee that he isn't, hasn't or will.

So that said, maybe internally, the 2 of them can communicate about this issue and set boundaries going forward about behaviors that make them feel safe or threatened. Maybe, I'm optimistic.

 

[lux10023]

furthermore...it seems like the attractive co-worker aint even checking for him like that..meanwhile he is digging his heels in on this issue...chile please! lol

couldn't be me, he need someone to go upside his head men/husbands are ridic sometimes...always needing to stand their ground on something versus see the bigger picture here!

 

[GetHappy2014]

Thank you ladies, such wonderful, level headed advice. I'll pass this on to her. I'll let you know what she decides in the end. Continue posting 'cause this is great advice for anyone in this situation.