What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity

jerseyhaircare said:
I guess it depends on the man. My husband is just honest (rude) with it. He told me that he loved me but he would give me two years after the 2nd child to start working on my weight before he started wandering. And looking back, I appreciate the honesty because at that point, I was definitely asexual. I was too tired and overweight to think about sex. I don't know about other people, but for me, breast feeding definitely played a heavy role.
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D@mn! Regardless of honesty, that was cold. But did it really 'jump start' you out of your asexual stage? Do you think that if men in the same predicament were as honest with their wives, that there would be less stepping out? I was really surprised at Southernbella's post about the number of sexless marriages out there.
 
Southernbella. said:
E.g.

"I feel so odd compared to most people because I really could not care less about sex or sexual activity of any kind. I think I could go my entire life without sex and I just don't understad what the "big deal" is about SOs not wanting to, not initiating, etc.

Is there anyone else who is rather indifferent about sex? Or maybe someone who WAS that way and then changed? If so, what exactly caused the change?"


"You're not alone!!! Hugs to you...I dread it actually. It never crossed my mind and I'm never in the mood for it....I dreaded it to conceive but wanted kids so badly. So I had to do it. I just don't get the hype with it all and it does not make me feel closer to my spouse.

CNN did an article on ppl who consider themselves asexual. So we aren't alone. And some were men even :)"


"I feel like I am like this too. I was very sexual before DH (dear husband) and I got serious. So for the last 5 years or so I have had no sexual desires. Not sure if it's an attraction thing or what. I love him and I think he is handsome, but I can totally live without sex.

Do you think it's hormonal?"


"My lack of interest was a BIG issue in my marriage the first 2 years, because before that, we'd been a lot more sexually active. I hated that I wasn't able to show my husband more desire, and honestly don't understand it. I find him incredibly attractive and we have an amazing relationship, so I have no idea why I dislike sex so much. Literally if I could take a pill to fix this, I would do it in a heartbeat."


"Im on boat with u guys..dh sometimes gets frustrated n feels im just not attracted to him...n then I have to remind him I dont feel like that for anyone... I try being as sexual as possible..but I feel im ok if I dont do it...told my doc when we were trying to conceive she didn't seem concerned. ..but I do feel bad for dh...he loves me n does everything so I feel I should b able to satisfy him but many times it doesn't happen...actually mostly doesn't happen.."


"I hate not wanting sex and wish I had a strong sex drive but i'd just rather not be touched. My husband is really good looking and I can see it but I just don't want someone groping me. I feel really bad about it."


"The weird thing is, I was always very sexual in past relationships. I had very heated and passionate "love affairs" with boyfriends and I considered it to be a very healthy sex life. Then after meeting DH, it just all went away. We were fairly active in the first year or so, but after that, we hardly ever have sex. And it's made me feel so horribly guilty because he is the BEST husband I could ever have imagined. He treats me like a queen and is so so so good to me, and he of course wants sex with me all the time and I just have zero interest...that is the ONE thing missing from our marriage - other than that we are so awesome together. And i do feel like I'm missing out on having that with him, but I just don't feel that way about him. It's so screwed up and I'm sure it's a mental thing. I can't imagine doing some of the things I've done in the past with others, with my DH. He has admitted in the past he feels like he got gipped and didn't get that part of me. But he's always been so understanding of our sex life, which shows what a great man he is. "


"I wouldn't mind if never had sex again. Sometimes it bothers my husband, but for the most part it really isn't an issue because he's not a very sexual person either. We just never had sex enough to get good at it and feel completely comfortable with each other in that way. We have had sex once since I got pregnant. I really wish we had a "can't keep your hands off each other" type of relationship, but we just don't :( we have a great marriage tho."


"This is my husband and I's situation as well. We both consider ourselves asexual. We can go months without sex and not even realize it. Our relationship is extremely fulfilling in many other ways. We have talked many times about us both not wanting/needing sex, and the conclusion is that we are just more connected on a different level that sex doesn't fill."


"You're definitely not alone. Dh and I hardly ever have sex. 1 time since we got pregnant! After I had Ds 2 years ago it took us 10 months to have sex again. We only had sex maybe 5 times in the next year and then I found out I was pregnant again. He's fine with it, I'm fine with it. We're both pretty asexual. I mean he would always jump at the opportunity If I lead him to it..... but no thanks. Just not interested"


This is just a sample. I left out the pregnant/new moms for obvious reasons. These are not scorned women. They love their husbands and feel they are treated well. They just aren't having sex. It's real.
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Wow.
 
I know 2 of my friends are in no sex marriages and they aren't even 30 years old yet. Both of the women said they just don't have the need and are too busy or tired. They try to do it once in a while to keep their husbands happy but they don't keep track. Knowing their husbands, I don't see how they could be 100% happy with a marriage that has little to no sex. Especially since one of the husbands was always cheating on my friend all throughout high school and college. She swears he isn't cheating now though and he doesn't ask for sex often. I just think he got better at hiding affairs and doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
 
FemmeFatale said:
In my humble opinion, I don’t think a lot women really enjoy sex or are even having orgasms. I think a lot of women exaggerate (especially the younger women).. and when you’re single (as in not married) it’s easier to hide the real you.
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@FemmeFatale, you have a great point. When we are younger, sex is different. We have no real responsibilities, problems, issues or concerns so the Freak Flag flies really high. I was young and had the energy for #1. I enjoyed sex at the time and it wasn't exaggerated. I had orgasms, could do it ALL night, and go to work at 7 am. But I was also trying to "impress" my future husband. I wanted to get married and have kids. I found a man I wanted to marry so, in my young mind, I overloaded him with sex to ensure I get what I wanted.

22 years later...........I really don't care about sex like that. We have it, it's great, and I have a good time. But if I could chose between sex or eating ice cream and watching Frazier reruns, I would pick ice cream and Frazier. I often have so much on my mind that it is difficult to disconnect from my thoughts long enough to really enjoy the intimacy. That or I have so much to do - work, full-time student, chores, responsibilities, and obligations. Many wives have lives that are too busy to enjoy sex as frequently as their DH would like. The life of a wife is often nonstop - mentally and physically. Sex becomes less and less important until it eventually just falls off the To-Do List.

I love my husband with all my heart. I am still attracted to him, he is a wonderful lover and friend, and there is no place I would rather be. He enjoys sex so I keep that in the back of my mind and try to slip him some at least 3 times a week. However, in 22 years, our marriage has evolved. For me, it is not about sex so much. It is about companionship, friendship, familiarity, and stability. For him, sex is still a big part of it. Right or wrong, I led him down a sex filled path when we first met so I can't really switch up now. For me, (TMI) it is easier to do it to him really good, really fast, and put him to sleep so that I can buy me 2 0r 3 more days of no sex. I have 2 or 3 days of TV and ice cream.

As far as he knows, I enjoy sex just as much as I did when we first met and I plan to keep up the charade as long as I can. In the beginning, I knew he enjoyed having sex with me. I enjoyed it just as much. I just didn't expect for life to impede those desires. This is what happens in many marriages. Couple this with marriages who have suffered infidelity but choose to stay married, and you get sexless marriages. The love is still there but, for some, it is difficult to explain how you feel so you end up with cheating husbands and unfulfilled wives (and vice versa).
 
I can't imagine not wanting to have sex. And going without for long periods of time. Sex is lifes foreplay. Bored? Sex will fix it! Tired? Sex will fix it! Stressed out? Sex! Annoyed with each other? Have some sex! Don't feel like doing some obligation/ responsibility? Have sex to rejuvenate and then you feel like you can tackle it! And I don't mean long drawn out sex.

But yea I know people in sexless marriages.
 
qchelle said:
I can't imagine not wanting to have sex. And going without for long periods of time. Sex is lifes foreplay. Bored? Sex will fix it! Tired? Sex will fix it! Stressed out? Sex! Annoyed with each other? Have some sex! Don't feel like doing some obligation/ responsibility? Have sex to rejuvenate and then you feel like you can tackle it! And I don't mean long drawn out sex.

But yea I know people in sexless marriages.
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@qchelle, all that you say sex will fix is true! Fixes it every time. I used to feel the exact same way.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
I see a lot of women saying the men are asexual too so it’s ok. I think they’re fooling themselves here.
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Absolutely.

I think women would be surprised at the lengths many men go to to avoid confrontation in their homes. Even the alphaest of alpha men go along to get along sometimes because it's easier.

There have been a few times where I find out something bothered dh, waaaaaaaayyy after the fact, and I'm like ok why didn't you say something, and he's like eh, there was no point because that's just how you are and I deal with it. One example is me taking forever to get ready. He said something the first one or two times and then nothing. For years. And then I jokingly said something about it and found out how much it still frustrates him.

Men tend to be pragmatic. Let's see...I can either bring up how hurt and angry I am that she never wants to have sex with me and deal with tears and arguments and excuses and maybe getting dragged to see a third party where I'll pay money to talk about it and cry some more OR I can accept that this is how it's gonna be, keep my mouth shut, enjoy the great life we've built together, watch porn, and maybe get some on the side to relieve the tension.
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
No you’re absolutely right like I said plenty of my married friends readily admit that they rarely if ever have sex...I don’t know any major issues and their husbands are the breadwinners. and here I am hornier than all get out alone panicking because I lost my neon pink vibrator that I must have lost while moving across the country. Lmao.
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:lachen:

C@ssandr@ said:
Mine neither :lol: I know I can come off a certain way ( being matter of fact about dealing with taken men) but that's badically where I learned alternative perspectives. I don't get down like that these days since my values have evolved.

Anyway, despite being part of a patriarchal society, not all men are evil monsters looking to get over on us and shirk their fathetly duties the first chance they get. :look: Its commonplace, it seems, to villainize their every move. In reality, there are decent men out there. Also men have feelings too :shrug:
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They definitely have feelings too. One of my classmates mentioned how her dh, who works out a lot, made a "joke" about how "at least the women at the gym still think I'm cute" and it eventually came out that he felt like she wasn't attracted to him anymore because she didnt initiate sex or look at his body. She said she laughed at first but then she put herself in his shoes and knew she would feel a way if the situation was reversed.
 
Southernbella. said:
Absolutely.

I think women would be surprised at the lengths many men go to to avoid confrontation in their homes. Even the alphaest of alpha men go along to get along sometimes because it's easier.

There have been a few times where I find out something bothered dh, waaaaaaaayyy after the fact, and I'm like ok why didn't you say something, and he's like eh, there was no point because that's just how you are and I deal with it. One example is me taking forever to get ready. He said something the first one or two times and then nothing. For years. And then I jokingly said something about it and found out how much it still frustrates him.

Men tend to be pragmatic. Let's see...I can either bring up how hurt and angry I am that she never wants to have sex with me and deal with tears and arguments and excuses and maybe getting dragged to see a third party where I'll pay money to talk about it and cry some more OR I can accept that this is how it's gonna be, keep my mouth shut, enjoy the great life we've built together, watch porn, and maybe get some on the side to relieve the tension.
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And if I was a dude I’d chose the latter:look:. I stopped having sex with my ex 6 months before i broke up with him. His money was dry and my vagina followed suit.
 
qchelle said:
I can't imagine not wanting to have sex. And going without for long periods of time. Sex is lifes foreplay. Bored? Sex will fix it! Tired? Sex will fix it! Stressed out? Sex! Annoyed with each other? Have some sex! Don't feel like doing some obligation/ responsibility? Have sex to rejuvenate and then you feel like you can tackle it! And I don't mean long drawn out sex.

But yea I know people in sexless marriages.
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Im good with 15-20 minutes of foreplay and 8-10 minutes tops of the other stuff. Twenty minutes to a solid half hour pretty much. These Keith Sweat all nighter expectations are unrealistic and need to stop:lachen:.

What I would like to look into one day is Tantra.
 
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This thread is making me cry.

giphy.gif
 
awhyley said:
D@mn! Regardless of honesty, that was cold. But did it really 'jump start' you out of your asexual stage? Do you think that if men in the same predicament were as honest with their wives, that there would be less stepping out? I was really surprised at Southernbella's post about the number of sexless marriages out there.
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'

Nah, it pissed me off. I posted about it in the relationship thread. I'll find it and post.

ETA: I posted this about 6 months ago:

Yes, so am I. However, I wish I did it way sooner. This was an issue the past 2-3 years in our marriage. His stance was that he married me looking a certain way and he felt me losing the weight was non negotiable. I felt that he was being superficial and he should love me no matter what size I was. He admitted that looks mattered to him and would warn me that he'd always love me but he would find it hard to always want me if I didn't get back to the old me (weight, self maintence, etc).

That pissed me the hell off. I was just mad at life. There I was dealing with the physical after effects of child bearing plus the exhaustion of motherhood, and I have this man telling me to get my stuff together. I resented the fact that he did not have to go through any physical changes and therefore had no leg on telling me what I had to do. A secret part of me was afraid that I may not be capable of losing the weight (genetics, being over 35, lacking my previous stamina and free time). Every time I would think of a plan for weight loss, I would counter it as being unfair for me to have to lose weight to benefit him-and then I would buy something fatty and eat it. This led to many fights in the marriage and a feeling a anger and resentment along with low self esteem.

The only place I felt accepted was at work. A lot of my coworkers and collegues were fat and way out of shape, so amongst the umpa loompa's, I was a goddess. Women would tell me I looked great for having two kids and men would flirt. I would take that back home to my husband as evidence that the issue was him, not me. He would just counter it with "First of all, don't disrespect me by talking about other men. Second of all, I'm visual. I didn't marry a fat woman. I married a sexy woman. I'll do what it takes to help-we'll go to the gym together, I'll hire a trainer and we'll work on your meal plans." That would just make me angrier because I felt that he was missing the whole 'big can be beautiful' point.

Tying this into that other thread, this is why I was able to fall into that hug pattern. I knew I was unattractive at that time so I truly felt that the hug was just a hug and I was happy to get any ego boost since it wasn't coming from inside my home.

Couple of things happened over the summer, I weaned the last kid (about 22 months). I really thought that when that was done, I would drop the weight since I convinced myself that I was just holding onto the fat for breastfeeding. A month later, I was taking the kids to play in the sprinklers in our backyard, so I had on a bathing suit. I thought I looked cute. DH did not. He tried to be nice but he asked me if I could see the weight gain. I said no, what are you talking about? He pointed to my legs, the cellulite; he touched my arms and I watched it jiggle wildly. He said "it's time. We must work on a plan to lose weight.' I stormed off, cursing him out in my mind for ruining my afternoon. But that night, when everyone was asleep, I got on the scale and saw I gained more than 15 pounds in the span of two months.

I had to decide if this holding on to my weight to prove something was worth it. Was it worth my marriage? Was it worth my self esteem? Was it worth my health?

I decided to lose the weight but framed it to myself as losing weight for me, with his benefit being secondary. I didn't tell him anything because I didn't want him to take over. I needed to do this myself because I wasn't even sure if it was possible. That way if I failed, I would only be disappointing myself. I started the beginning of July and have lost a tremendous amount of weight. The scale only shows about 15-20 lbs but my clothes are the most telling. I was afraid that my husband was expecting me to be at my pre pregnancy weight-which was a size two. But no, he's over the moon with how I look now.

That's what makes me feel sad-I spent all that time fighting and defying him when his expectations were very minimal-comb your hair (I was sporting this weird helmet hair look for about 3 years because I was too lazy to figure out my hair), dress nicely, basically let go of the maternity look and look more like a woman.

It took me reading a few threads on this site to start changing my mind. My husband having expectations is not disrespectful, it is part of marriage. So yes, things are getting better.
 
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This thread is teaching me a lot. I’m under the mindset that sex is what separates a platonic/roommate situation from a romantic one...like what’s the point of all this esp if kids aren’t even in the equation. If this is my demise I’d rather live out my golden years with one of my best lady friends and have our men visiting periodically:look:
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
This thread is teaching me a lot. I’m under the mindset that sex is what separates a platonic/roommate situation from a romantic one...like what’s the point of all this esp if kids aren’t even in the equation. If this is my demise I’d rather live out my golden years with one of my best lady friends and have our men visiting periodically:look:
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But we are not saying this is all women, just clarifying some are in relationships for other reasons. Your best bet is to find a man with a sex drive that matches or surpasses yours.

DH is oversexed and I have a medium drive with periods of high drive. When we were single and child free, daily to mltp times a day was the norm. But we've now we have a lot on our plates-work, kids, bills, trips, family---just life. Sex is now 2-3 x a week but that works for us because we are both super busy and have young kids and opposite work schedules.

But we still are affectionate-date nights, cuddling, kissing, we talk all day long from 5am till evening. And we have additional outlets if the other isnt in the mood-i have a wonderful vibratior and he has porn. So for us, it works. The hope is when the kids are older and less needy, we'll have more time and energy for increased sexing. But for now, we're in a good place-for us.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
But we are not saying this is all women, just clarifying some are in relationships for other reasons. Your best bet is to find a man with a sex drive that matches or surpasses yours.

DH is oversexed and I have a medium drive with periods of high drive. When we were single and child free, daily to mltp times a day was the norm. But we've now we have a lot on our plates-work, kids, bills, trips, family---just life. Sex is now 2-3 x a week but that works for us because we are both super busy and have young kids and opposite work schedules.

But we still are affectionate-date nights, cuddling, kissing, we talk all day long from 5am till evening. And we have additional outlets if the other isnt in the mood-i have a wonderful vibratior and he has porn. So for us, it works. The hope is when the kids are older and less needy, we'll have more time and energy for increased sexing. But for now, we're in a good place-for us.
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Oh I def get it. I’m well aware this isn’t every one but it is the majority. hence why I said IF this is my demise. I cant predict the future, my level of stress, or what I’ll be dealing with. My biggest stressors were money and being overworked (While being single)...which at this point there is light at the end of the tunnel. My goal was to rectify all of this before my next serious relationship. When my money isn’t right and I’m working like a dog we ain’t doing a damn thing.

I’m glad you and your DH found a happy place. Most people aren’t able.
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
Oh I def get it. I’m well aware this isn’t every one but it is the majority. hence why I said IF this is my demise. I cant predict the future, my level of stress, or what I’ll be dealing with. My biggest stressors were money and being overworked (While being single)...which at this point there is light at the end of the tunnel. My goal was to rectify all of this before my next serious relationship. When my money isn’t right and I’m working like a dog we ain’t doing a damn thing.

I’m glad you and your DH found a happy place. Most people aren’t able.
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If you plan on having kids, those two are a guarantee:lachen::lachen::lachen:

You're very smart. It's wise to know your needs and limits prior to embarking on a relationship. I made sure prior to a serious relationship to work on all my emotional baggage and poor communication skills, which helped a lot in the long run.
 
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jerseyhaircare said:
If you plan on having kids, those two are a guarantee:lachen::lachen::lachen:

Your very smart. It's wise to know your needs and limits prior to embarking on a relationship. I made sure prior to a serious relationship to work on all my emotional baggage and poor communication skills, which helped a lot in the long run.
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Why think you. If I do decide to procreate it will just be ONE. Im almost 35 so I’m not playing these games lol.:look::drunk:
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@BillsBackerz67, I hope we don't make it sound bleak. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Communication and compromise is the key. Everything else will work itself out.
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Omg not not at all. I can see the pros and cons from all angles. I am a horrible communicator when it comes to men. I get so aggravated and overwhelmed by their stupidity. Been doing some research and I’ve come to discover that I’m a stonewaller:( that’s the worst of the worst apparently. Trying to work on that too.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
Why pearl clutching :lachen::lachen::lachen:
This convo seems pretty PG to me. This is the most fun e-convo I've had in a while. :)
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Pearl clutching because it's a little hard to wrap my head around the thought that women think they have perfectly happy sexless marriages.
My last ex was the nag from hell. He was like a female chicken pecking his complaints all the time. He was super controlling and insecure but he disguised it well with a notable career and looking great on paper. I grew to hate his guts and I never gave him any as a result. All that to say I thought sex for women was primarily about mind stimulation, so I don't know what goes on in a sexless wife's mind to make her think it's all good.
 
Bad&Bougee said:
@BillsBackerz67, I hope we don't make it sound bleak. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Communication and compromise is the key. Everything else will work itself out.
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Right - we went through a dry spell a few years ago. When we boiled it all down turns out DH wanted me to initiate some of the time. I was like "look at all this - you just need to jump on it" lol. He actually needed to feel like I was interested as well. Who knew? I'm still not very comfortable with it and don't initiate often but I try to at least every 8th time :shrug:
 
Browndilocks said:
Pearl clutching because it's a little hard to wrap my head around the thought that women think they have perfectly happy sexless marriages.
My last ex was the nag from hell. He was like a female chicken pecking his complaints all the time. He was super controlling and insecure but he disguised it well with a notable career and looking great on paper. I grew to hate his guts and I never gave him any as a result. All that to say I thought sex for women was primarily about mind stimulation, so I don't know what goes on in a sexless wife's mind to make her think it's all good.
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Likely relief that the burden of physical contact is done and she can focus on what she likes-the title of wife, motherhood, and joy of running a household. Loads of woman see sex as another chore on their things to do list and are grateful when they no longer have to bother with it-esp when it wasn't that good to begin with.

Being married to the man who is going to blow your back out isn't the reality for most women-a lot settle for a man with other qualities-comfort, respect, kindness, financial stability, upward mobility, etc. Do you think Melania is craving Trump's doughy body or does the money and power keep her warm at night?

For those who have good chemistry, monotony and life would be the reason for a decrease in sexual activity.

Let me pose two examples. The first symbolizes one with great chemistry: Imagine you have access to a restaurant that provides an all you can eat dry aged kobe beef for no payment (great sex) -the only catch is you can only eat there and that is the only thing on the menu (monogamy). First couple of years, you've think you hit the jackpot and eat there every day, sometimes several times in a day.

After a few years , though the steak is constantly delicious and you've tried every sauce and side item (positions and toys), it's not as new or exciting. You're still a faithful patron but you no longer frequent the restaurant on the daily. Maybe it trickles down to a few times a week, maybe its a long term fast. You still are happy with the steak, you just are tired of the same old same old. And when you go back, it's always warm, inviting, and familiar.

And for bad sex, let's just replace kobe beef with a platter of hot steaming garbage. You can see how a long term fast can seem easy in that scenario.
 
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BillsBackerz67 said:
This thread is teaching me a lot. I’m under the mindset that sex is what separates a platonic/roommate situation from a romantic one...like what’s the point of all this esp if kids aren’t even in the equation. If this is my demise I’d rather live out my golden years with one of my best lady friends and have our men visiting periodically:look:
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Speaking from experience, creating and living this type of scenario to suit one's personal needs and tastes is absolutely sublime. I treat dude like an old school five percenter - secondary, but necessary (more like tertiary, but you get the point:lol:).
 
If I may be candid...I could easily be one of those people. I am married and can honestly say I could do without it. I dont think I'm assexual or anything but if you left it solely up to me and told me that nothing in my marriage would go left or downhill...I'd opt out of sex or at the very least have it a mere handful of times per year. But I keep up because it's not that big a deal to me to do it and it keeps the spouse content.
There are no small children to deal with, Im not stressed out on anything really...I just dont really care.
 
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