Why does this keep happening to me?

[pearcey]

I had to start a thread on this one because it is really bothering me.

I was dating this man off and on for 3 years and always had such a crush on him and felt like we were meant to be together. We always remained friends and I thought we had a mutual respect for one another. I prayed to God and said Lord if we are meant to be together then I will wait for him to reach out to me and make that move. So in September he hits me up and asks me to attend this event that he is having so I'm thinking this is the Lord's will. He's telling me how he wants to settle down and get married, he's going to therapy to work on himself, wants to give his life back to Jesus. When we were together it felt like a dream. He was asking me what types of rings I liked and how he wanted to make me happy.

One night I get these texts at 2am from some woman saying how he is her man. I ask him about it and he admits that she was a woman he was dealing with and that it was a mistake. The first time I spoke to him about it calmly but THEN I kept getting phone calls and texts and pics with him in her bed. So I started getting mad at him like obviously he is lying to me about his relationship with this girl or else why is she harassing me. I kept asking him to just be honest with me and tell me the truth and stop lying. Recently he text me saying he doesn't want to deal with me anymore because he doesn't want any drama. I'm the one full of drama?!?

I don't know why I am making myself feel guilty for being angry with him about it. What could I have done Idifferently? Thinking maybe I should have handled the situation more calmly then he would have wanted to still speak with me. I should have just cut him off before he had the chance to drop me but I wanted an explanation so badly. It hurts and I feel so rejected. I've continued praying about it and still reading the bible. I haven't stopped doing that but I just feel like maybe I was in this situation because of my own fault. Or God is allowing me to go through this pain and its frustrating. Today was the first day in weeks that I haven't cried about the situation. Its sad to think that I'll never speak to him again because I thought we would always at the very least have respect for one another.

I actually believed that me and this guy were going to get married. He had all the things I "wanted" he wanted to give his life back to the Lord, successful, attractive, came from a decent family. All the other guys I've met are either ugly or they don't have their finances in order, or there is no chemistry. I've been single for 2 years and it gets really hard to keep going. Especially after feeling completely rejected after this whole situation.

Praying to move on from this situation but it has really affected my self esteem. My last relationship before this I ended it because the man was cheating on me and I found out because the woman called my phone and told me. Why does this keep happening to me?

My dating experience has either been an ugly unattractive guy who I have no chemistry with but is crazy about me or some guy I really like seems like he is into me also claims to want a future but is seeing some other chick. Why is it so hard for me to find someone that is attractive, has himself together, and can be faithful to ME? Am I asking for too much?

Real life experiences to study and educate yourself about while remaining the uncanny drainblock...

The preview year continues.com

 

[sweetvi]

Stop being upset over this fool. He was never the one for you. If he was, there wouldn't have been any off and on. Trust.

God has nothing to do with this fool, he's just another typical player playing you because you are insecure.

You did nothing wrong. He is a bastard. Period. Neither one of you should talk to him ever again. Do not waste anymore of your life on this man. The idea of him is what you are hung up on, but that's not who he really is.

Stop fretting over having a relationship and just be. Go out and have fun. Ask your pastor to hook you up and don't fall for that type of nonsense ever again. Men are not complicated. A man that wants to be with you and only you will make himself known. He won't try to manipulate you and use your faith against you.

Once you know your worth, the men will come.

1QTPie

i need a friend like you! that statement would snp me back to reality. It prevents you from wallowing in your misery, dust yourself off and keeps you moving

 

[crazytrish75]

@mscurly It takes all of 2 minutes to say I'm seeing someone else stop calling me and do not bother her. In order to move past this you need to see him for who he really is instead of the fantasy you've concocted in your head. I might could deal with one call maybe but multiple calls from this chick and you're still questioning yourself as to what you did wrong?

You need to be very clear with what it is that you want in a partner so that you can recognize it when it comes. A man in the midst of therapy is no one's dream boat. The devil however has no problem tempting you with shiny trinkets that look like or smell like what you think you want. Don't let your desire to be married allow someone that is not your match get in your life.

You need to think that maybe just maybe God allowed this to happen so that you would see what this man was about once and for all. God is not going to send you a sirloin if you're crying over White Castle.

God is able to bring you many things but He will not bring someone less than for you to yoke yourself to. Recognize the enemy for what he is.

Excellent post!!! I particularly liked the bolded

 

[crazytrish75]

@mscurly dude kinda sounds like a narcissist. Do you have codependent tendencies?

I realized this week that this is my issue with this guy. He's a textbook narc and I'm a textbook co-dep and I didn't see this for 7 years!!!

Growing up I always took on my mothers emotional burdens instead of the other way around, so in my friendship I tend to be drawn to youngest/only children who I need to help "fix". I never voice my needs, they use me, I drop them, and then complain about how they used me. Never taking blame for allowing it to happen.

My dad was physically present and mentally absent with a touch of abusive, so I'm drawn to men who are unavailable who I have to "prove my worth" to in order to validate myself and resolve my childhood issues. I'm never comfortable when a man really likes me, it subconsciously turns me off because they aren't mirroring my beliefs about myself.

This may not be the case with you, but it might be or losomething to read about ok into. The way you said he flipped everything on you set off bells for me, they are very good at that. But he may just be a player, idk...

I say this because its one thing to recognize that dude is no good, but its another to recognize what it is in YOU that allowed yourself to deal with him so long. Or what draws you to men like this in the first place. That is the REAL issue, and once you figure it out, the realization of SELF is whats going to bring you closure and peace so you can begin to heal.

Our relationships with men won't change until we change. That's my biggest lesson I'm taking from 2013, and I think if I continue to recognize my behaviors..the relationships I have can only improve. I've gone from feeling depressed, to relieved and hopeful in about 6 days...lol.

dannie
@ all the bolded, this is something every woman should know about I am currently ending my 19 year marriage and I sought therapy to help me deal with the complex emotions divorce entails. The therapist pegged the codependent tendencies right off the bat. OP, this is definetly something you should read about. I can't remember the author, but the book I read is called "Codependent no more". Until you recognize your own worth and needs, they will never be met by the right man mscurly