Why does this keep happening to me?

[mscurly]

I had to start a thread on this one because it is really bothering me.

I was dating this man off and on for 3 years and always had such a crush on him and felt like we were meant to be together. We always remained friends and I thought we had a mutual respect for one another. I prayed to God and said Lord if we are meant to be together then I will wait for him to reach out to me and make that move. So in September he hits me up and asks me to attend this event that he is having so I'm thinking this is the Lord's will. He's telling me how he wants to settle down and get married, he's going to therapy to work on himself, wants to give his life back to Jesus. When we were together it felt like a dream. He was asking me what types of rings I liked and how he wanted to make me happy.

One night I get these texts at 2am from some woman saying how he is her man. I ask him about it and he admits that she was a woman he was dealing with and that it was a mistake. The first time I spoke to him about it calmly but THEN I kept getting phone calls and texts and pics with him in her bed. So I started getting mad at him like obviously he is lying to me about his relationship with this girl or else why is she harassing me. I kept asking him to just be honest with me and tell me the truth and stop lying. Recently he text me saying he doesn't want to deal with me anymore because he doesn't want any drama. I'm the one full of drama?!?

I don't know why I am making myself feel guilty for being angry with him about it. What could I have done differently? Thinking maybe I should have handled the situation more calmly then he would have wanted to still speak with me. I should have just cut him off before he had the chance to drop me but I wanted an explanation so badly. It hurts and I feel so rejected. I've continued praying about it and still reading the bible. I haven't stopped doing that but I just feel like maybe I was in this situation because of my own fault. Or God is allowing me to go through this pain and its frustrating. Today was the first day in weeks that I haven't cried about the situation. Its sad to think that I'll never speak to him again because I thought we would always at the very least have respect for one another.

I actually believed that me and this guy were going to get married. He had all the things I "wanted" he wanted to give his life back to the Lord, successful, attractive, came from a decent family. All the other guys I've met are either ugly or they don't have their finances in order, or there is no chemistry. I've been single for 2 years and it gets really hard to keep going. Especially after feeling completely rejected after this whole situation.

Praying to move on from this situation but it has really affected my self esteem. My last relationship before this I ended it because the man was cheating on me and I found out because the woman called my phone and told me. Why does this keep happening to me?

My dating experience has either been an ugly unattractive guy who I have no chemistry with but is crazy about me or some guy I really like seems like he is into me also claims to want a future but is seeing some other chick. Why is it so hard for me to find someone that is attractive, has himself together, and can be faithful to ME? Am I asking for too much?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

The first question I had was, why are you and him off and on, but then I think you answered that. He's not ready to be monogamous.

It *sounds like* he was saying all the right things because he wanted you around ... but not *only* you. Time to date around, OP.

 

[dannie]

Dont let him turn the situation back on you, even though he is clearly in the wrong. He's probably hoping that if he cuts you off for a while and comes back around again, you will hush about his other woman and just be happy to have him.

The best plan of action to take in the future is just cut a guy off without hesitation once you know you are not the only one in his life.

But I know exactly how you feel, I had a girl call my phone last week.

It's hard out here in these single streets, and I dont have any advice because I'm in the same boat... as you just wrote the story of my life . But just know that you did nothing wrong and there is someone out there for you, I'm sure of it. (((HUGS)))

 

[Mortons]

You dont want a man who cant own up to his indiscretions and especially not one who is trying to make their poor choices your fault.

God has destined a man for you, but I am 100% he isnt trying to send you one who is acting like a punk

 

[lux10023]

He don't want no drama but is the main source of it in your life and is BRINGING it into your life!!!
How the heck the other woman get your number
Dude sound messy as hayle
3 yrs on and off is where you went wrong
And he sounds fishy with trying to get his life back to the lord...

Blessing in disguise
All that glitters is not gold

YOU DID NOTHING Wrong!!!!
You asked him about a situation that kept reoccuring and he had the nerve to say I'm leaving you alone because I don't want any drama!

He need to go jump off a cliff into some honesty!

 

[CaraWalker]

since he's the one two timing you, why are you wondering what you could have done better?

^^^^this is what you can do better next time.

 

[mscurly]

It's comforting to know I'm not the only in this type of situation.

Y'all are right I made the mistake of dating him for 3 years off and on. I thought it would be different because we never ended on bad terms until now. We were still cordial with each other so I believed he was genuine at first when he said he was a changed man.

My other clue should have been when he told me he was in therapy. Ninja prob needs to be medicated cause this ish just doesn't make sense to me. How am I the one full of drama? Just because I got upset and went off on you cause the chick kept calling my phone.

I don't know why I made myself feel guilty for being upset with him about it. Y'all are right I didn't do anything wrong.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

What's his issue? You keep mentioning therapy.

 

[briacait]

mscurly you did absolutely nothing to bring this situation or the previous one about. When I first read your post two things stuck out to me. The fact that you said you and he were on again off again. There must have been a reason for that and it seems like he is emotionally unavailable. I know you've had feelings for this man, but he doesn't sound like he was ever worth much. Usually when you keep breaking up and making up there's a reason.

I know you said you prayed for things with this man, but I don't believe that God would send this broken man to you. I believe that God has someone for you and that He will give you your hearts desire. I hope that you truly believe that.

I've been where you were. Before I got married the last guy I had a serious relationship with cheated on me and we ended on a very bad note. It was 5 years before I met DH. I dated other guys in that 5 years, but looking back I realize I needed those 5 years to work on myself. I was attracting men that I felt I deserved, but since my self esteem had declined I was only meeting men who could sense that low self esteem. I don't want you to be alarmed by my throwing out that 5 year time frame. I was truly a mess in many ways that it took me 5 years to grow.

Whatever you do don't let this experience eat at you. Do things that make you feel happy and just keep praying.

 

[mscurly]

thanks so much briacait

the reason for the on again off again was because he was emotionally unstable and a workaholic he was always busy with his career and couldn't maintain a decent relationship.

And I did get kinda scared with 5 years. I'm like Lord I am in my early 30's I do NOT have 5 years.

BEAUTYU2U thats why he told me he was going to therapy to work on those issues because he sees how it is affecting his relationships. At first I admired him for being honest about it and I thought this was a sign he was willing to change. Most people don't even seek help. That's why I felt like I could give him another chance because he was trying to work on himself. Plus I noticed behavior changes in him in a positive way. So I thought maybe this chick was some jump off that he hadn't ended yet and that he was wanted to be serious with me. He had me around his family and asking me what type of engagement rings I liked so I took him more seriously this time.

Once this chick started harassing me we got into more and more arguments about it. He felt like if I didn't trust him then we shouldn't be together. Maybe thats what he meant by drama. I felt guilty because I thinking to myself maybe I should have given him some time to end things with this other woman and not argued with him about it.

I keep thinking if all this hand't of happen then we would be together.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

mscurly It takes all of 2 minutes to say I'm seeing someone else stop calling me and do not bother her. In order to move past this you need to see him for who he really is instead of the fantasy you've concocted in your head. I might could deal with one call maybe but multiple calls from this chick and you're still questioning yourself as to what you did wrong?

You need to be very clear with what it is that you want in a partner so that you can recognize it when it comes. A man in the midst of therapy is no one's dream boat. The devil however has no problem tempting you with shiny trinkets that look like or smell like what you think you want. Don't let your desire to be married allow someone that is not your match get in your life.

You need to think that maybe just maybe God allowed this to happen so that you would see what this man was about once and for all. God is not going to send you a sirloin if you're crying over White Castle.

God is able to bring you many things but He will not bring someone less than for you to yoke yourself to. Recognize the enemy for what he is.

 

[lux10023]

OP
When you approached him about the woman, what did he say?
And honestly you had a right to ask him, how the hell would she have gotten your number if not in close contact with him and why hasn't he settled his unfinished business if he is actively working on himself and changing towards the good...

You don't deserve to have any woman sending you pics of them in bed!!!!

Did he say hey honey I love you and will set this situation straight with ole girl. I would like to marry you and I apologize for any uneccessary drama this situation has caused?

Did he say listen this was a women I dated previously and we are no longer together and I am not interested in having any thing with her...

Honey I apologize and am trying to get my life/situation together and will make sure not to bring any baggage in your life...

Did he call the crazy ex in front of you and put the phone on speaker and say I am asking you respectively to please stop contacting me and mscurly!

Did he make any attempts at handling the situation like a man and assuring you he is a changed man and wants you in his life forever?

 

[MzLady78]

mscurly It takes all of 2 minutes to say I'm seeing someone else stop calling me and do not bother her. In order to move past this you need to see him for who he really is instead of the fantasy you've concocted in your head. I might could deal with one call maybe but multiple calls from this chick and you're still questioning yourself as to what you did wrong?

You need to be very clear with what it is that you want in a partner so that you can recognize it when it comes. A man in the midst of therapy is no one's dream boat. The devil however has no problem tempting you with shiny trinkets that look like or smell like what you think you want. Don't let your desire to be married allow someone that is not your match get in your life.

You need to think that maybe just maybe God allowed this to happen so that you would see what this man was about once and for all. God is not going to send you a sirloin if you're crying over White Castle.

God is able to bring you many things but He will not bring someone less than for you to yoke yourself to. Recognize the enemy for what he is.

I love this analogy.

OP, there's no sense in wondering "what if". If this hadn't happened, there probably would have been some other issue or incident because this is not the man for you.

 

[LiftedUp]

You prayed and asked for clarity on the situation and you got it. It may not be the way in which you wanted it but you got all the information that you needed.

It hurts, I know, most of us have felt that hurt when ending a relationship. But it's all for the best. Thank God for the information he provided you with, let that man go and move on with your life *hugs*

eta: Purge him from your life. Delete and block numbers, do not communicate with him and do something nice, progressive and uplifting for yourself

 

[mscurly]

mscurly It takes all of 2 minutes to say I'm seeing someone else stop calling me and do not bother her. In order to move past this you need to see him for who he really is instead of the fantasy you've concocted in your head. I might could deal with one call maybe but multiple calls from this chick and you're still questioning yourself as to what you did wrong?

You need to be very clear with what it is that you want in a partner so that you can recognize it when it comes. A man in the midst of therapy is no one's dream boat. The devil however has no problem tempting you with shiny trinkets that look like or smell like what you think you want. Don't let your desire to be married allow someone that is not your match get in your life.

You need to think that maybe just maybe God allowed this to happen so that you would see what this man was about once and for all. God is not going to send you a sirloin if you're crying over White Castle.

God is able to bring you many things but He will not bring someone less than for you to yoke yourself to. Recognize the enemy for what he is.

lux10023 He never really confronted this chick calling me all he did was apologize and say he knows I don't deserve this and he will handle it. Once he did send me the screen shots of their texts but all it said was her asking him why he kept sending her calls to voicemail and that she's going to "move on and get a life". His response was asking if he could speak with her. Thats it nothing much for me to get from that. But she kept calling and texting me even after that. Although now the calls have stopped.


The bolded is so true. The devil knows my weakness. I tend to go for a particular type of man and sometimes even when I see the warning signs I make up excuses to continue being with them. If the same situation happened with a guy I'm not attracted or really into then I would have no problem leaving them alone.

My type is a guy with a cute face, nice hair, and if he has money/ status then that's a huge plus. This guy had all of that. But I'm learning to look beyond that. It seems like those types of guys always have a bunch of women hanging around and I can't deal with it anymore.

Lesson learned………….the hard way

 

[nlamr2013]

Im so confused why you keep wanting sometjing to have gone differently for yall to be together.
He is clearly mentally unstable and a) a 2 timer or b) deals with crazy women. Either spells out loser to me. move right along. Dont let age force you into settling with someone clearly not good for you.

 

[DarkJoy]

@lux10023 He never really confronted this chick calling me all he did was apologize and say he knows I don't deserve this and he will handle it. Once he did send me the screen shots of their texts but all it said was her asking him why he kept sending her calls to voicemail and that she's going to "move on and get a life". His response was asking if he could speak with her. Thats it nothing much for me to get from that. But she kept calling and texting me even after that. Although now the calls have stopped.

Not a coincidence the calls have stopped around when you split up. . I bet he was probably still messing with her and certainly is now...

Sorry you are going through so much pain. Unfortunately, we all have learned hard lessons about men. You arent alone.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

He doesn't want any drama, i.e. he wants someone who will take those calls from the other women and not get on his case about it. He did you a favor.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

One thing that I don't play nice with, is other women calling my phone. No ma'am! The Compton chick would have came right on out and showed her tail. I don't recommend this. Leave it to us semi-hood chicks. I can recover from acting a darn fool.

 

[Britt]

He don't want no drama but is the main source of it in your life and is BRINGING it into your life!!!
How the heck the other woman get your number
Dude sound messy as hayle
3 yrs on and off is where you went wrong
And he sounds fishy with trying to get his life back to the lord...

Blessing in disguise
All that glitters is not gold

YOU DID NOTHING Wrong!!!!
You asked him about a situation that kept reoccuring and he had the nerve to say I'm leaving you alone because I don't want any drama!

He need to go jump off a cliff into some honesty!

@mscurly It takes all of 2 minutes to say I'm seeing someone else stop calling me and do not bother her. In order to move past this you need to see him for who he really is instead of the fantasy you've concocted in your head. I might could deal with one call maybe but multiple calls from this chick and you're still questioning yourself as to what you did wrong?

You need to be very clear with what it is that you want in a partner so that you can recognize it when it comes. A man in the midst of therapy is no one's dream boat. The devil however has no problem tempting you with shiny trinkets that look like or smell like what you think you want. Don't let your desire to be married allow someone that is not your match get in your life.

You need to think that maybe just maybe God allowed this to happen so that you would see what this man was about once and for all. God is not going to send you a sirloin if you're crying over White Castle.

God is able to bring you many things but He will not bring someone less than for you to yoke yourself to. Recognize the enemy for what he is.

LOVE this entire post!!!!

OP, I know how you feel. I just ended a relationship that I knew was over a while before I ended it. I'll be staring at 32 in less than 2 months.

 

[1QTPie]

Stop being upset over this fool. He was never the one for you. If he was, there wouldn't have been any off and on. Trust.

God has nothing to do with this fool, he's just another typical player playing you because you are insecure.

You did nothing wrong. He is a bastard. Period. Neither one of you should talk to him ever again. Do not waste anymore of your life on this man. The idea of him is what you are hung up on, but that's not who he really is.

Stop fretting over having a relationship and just be. Go out and have fun. Ask your pastor to hook you up and don't fall for that type of nonsense ever again. Men are not complicated. A man that wants to be with you and only you will make himself known. He won't try to manipulate you and use your faith against you.

Once you know your worth, the men will come.

 

[Kindheart]

Stop being upset over this fool. He was never the one for you. If he was, there wouldn't have been any off and on. Trust.

God has nothing to do with this fool, he's just another typical player playing you because you are insecure.

You did nothing wrong. He is a bastard. Period. Neither one of you should talk to him ever again. Do not waste anymore of your life on this man. The idea of him is what you are hung up on, but that's not who he really is.

Stop fretting over having a relationship and just be. Go out and have fun. Ask your pastor to hook you up and don't fall for that type of nonsense ever again. Men are not complicated. A man that wants to be with you and only you will make himself known. He won't try to manipulate you and use your faith against you.

Once you know your worth, the men will come.

AMEN TO THAT !!!!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

This is exactly what I was thinking.

DH's male friend is going through something similar, dating a woman who is in therapy. He is on FB daily professing his love for this woman who he knows has another man (and a child). She was caught, more than once, sleeping with the other guy.

If he posts one more thing about GOD bringing this woman into his life I will tell him about himself. GOD doesn't put this kind of nonsense in your life. This is nothing but the devil.

mscurly It takes all of 2 minutes to say I'm seeing someone else stop calling me and do not bother her. In order to move past this you need to see him for who he really is instead of the fantasy you've concocted in your head. I might could deal with one call maybe but multiple calls from this chick and you're still questioning yourself as to what you did wrong?

You need to be very clear with what it is that you want in a partner so that you can recognize it when it comes. A man in the midst of therapy is no one's dream boat. The devil however has no problem tempting you with shiny trinkets that look like or smell like what you think you want. Don't let your desire to be married allow someone that is not your match get in your life.

You need to think that maybe just maybe God allowed this to happen so that you would see what this man was about once and for all. God is not going to send you a sirloin if you're crying over White Castle.

God is able to bring you many things but He will not bring someone less than for you to yoke yourself to. Recognize the enemy for what he is.

Stop being upset over this fool. He was never the one for you. If he was, there wouldn't have been any off and on. Trust.

God has nothing to do with this fool, he's just another typical player playing you because you are insecure.

You did nothing wrong. He is a bastard. Period. Neither one of you should talk to him ever again. Do not waste anymore of your life on this man. The idea of him is what you are hung up on, but that's not who he really is.

Stop fretting over having a relationship and just be. Go out and have fun. Ask your pastor to hook you up and don't fall for that type of nonsense ever again. Men are not complicated. A man that wants to be with you and only you will make himself known. He won't try to manipulate you and use your faith against you.

Once you know your worth, the men will come.

 

[Mai Tai]

OP...In a nutshell...This keeps happening to you because you keep going back. Performing the same actions yet expecting a different result. Woman up and realize that you have complete control over who you allow into your life.

This man is toxic and you fell for the okie doke when he talked in detail about marriage yet did absolutely nothing in his actions to prove that he was even husband material in the entire 3 years that you all dated off and on.

Don't blame this one on GOD girl...He gave you EVERY red flag there is to be had and YOU ignored them...willingly...

 

[dannie]

mscurly dude kinda sounds like a narcissist. Do you have codependent tendencies?

I realized this week that this is my issue with this guy. He's a textbook narc and I'm a textbook co-dep and I didn't see this for 7 years!!!

Growing up I always took on my mothers emotional burdens instead of the other way around, so in my friendship I tend to be drawn to youngest/only children who I need to help "fix". I never voice my needs, they use me, I drop them, and then complain about how they used me. Never taking blame for allowing it to happen.

My dad was physically present and mentally absent with a touch of abusive, so I'm drawn to men who are unavailable who I have to "prove my worth" to in order to validate myself and resolve my childhood issues. I'm never comfortable when a man really likes me, it subconsciously turns me off because they aren't mirroring my beliefs about myself.

This may not be the case with you, but it might be something to read about or look into. The way you said he flipped everything on you set off bells for me, they are very good at that. But he may just be a player, idk...

I say this because its one thing to recognize that dude is no good, but its another to recognize what it is in YOU that allowed yourself to deal with him so long. Or what draws you to men like this in the first place. That is the REAL issue, and once you figure it out, the realization of SELF is whats going to bring you closure and peace so you can begin to heal.

Our relationships with men won't change until we change. That's my biggest lesson I'm taking from 2013, and I think if I continue to recognize my behaviors..the relationships I have can only improve. I've gone from feeling depressed, to relieved and hopeful in about 6 days...lol.

 

[yardyspice]

I would suggest that you find out why you date emotionally unavailable men. *No shade* I would suggest some therapy or at the very least some journaling to figure out what your pattern is.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Rejection is protection. Truly. Dude has some nerve saying YOU are bringing drama in his life when he's seeing someone else who calls you talmbout he's her man and lying to your face. And the dating on and off is a huge red flag. I don't do that. We're either together or we're not. This man is not ready to be in a real relationship with any woman.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

@lux10023 He never really confronted this chick calling me all he did was apologize and say he knows I don't deserve this and he will handle it. Once he did send me the screen shots of their texts but all it said was her asking him why he kept sending her calls to voicemail and that she's going to "move on and get a life". His response was asking if he could speak with her. Thats it nothing much for me to get from that. But she kept calling and texting me even after that. Although now the calls have stopped.


The bolded is so true. The devil knows my weakness. I tend to go for a particular type of man and sometimes even when I see the warning signs I make up excuses to continue being with them. If the same situation happened with a guy I'm not attracted or really into then I would have no problem leaving them alone.

My type is a guy with a cute face, nice hair, and if he has money/ status then that's a huge plus. This guy had all of that. But I'm learning to look beyond that. It seems like those types of guys always have a bunch of women hanging around and I can't deal with it anymore.

Lesson learned………….the hard way

Those are all superficial traits. I'm not saying you have to deal with quasimoto but please dig deep and be real with yourself about the traits that matter. How a man treats you. Where he is in life. Where are YOU in life. What do you envision as a couple? If you want a family how you want to raise them. Are you waiting for Prince Charming or are you handling all of your business right now (or if THE ONE met you tomorrow would he be on a message board wondering if you're worth the wait). What are your "stop do not pass Go" standards? (For me its multiple kids outside of marriage. I might could deal with one but more than one and you never married any of the mothers is a sign to me of poor choices that I'm too old to deal with now. I'm no longer on the "save a ho" trail - let someone else fix him).

These are just a few examples of questions but there is a lot more you can and should consider. This isn't a Christmas list but traits that are important to you. Whatever the list is will be personal to you so don't feel obligated to share everything with everyone. A friend that isn't religious may get offended if being a church going man is important to you - that's her (his) issue. If you are praying to God then be real with it.

When you recognize the traits that matter you won't waste time with the player/superficial/just trying to get in your panties fools. You'll recognize game and be secure enough to walk away from it without apologies or pretense.

No matter what the superficial folks tell you God doesn't bless mess. If its not right it is not of or from God. Notice I didn't say perfect because we are all imperfect in His eyes. If you're not being tempted then you're doing something wrong. Strengthen yourself so the temptations don't waste anymore of your time or keep you from what is truly out there.

 

[Layluh]

^^^i agree with the above poster. This "keeps happening" to you cause you have a set of beliefs that lead you to the same circumstances.

 

[chocolat79]

OP you did nothing wrong except kept going back. I was in an on-again, off-again rlp with my ex. Looking back I know where I went wrong and that after the first break-up, that should've been it. Like 1QTPie said, you're hung up on the thought of him. He may look good on paper, but is he really good for YOU?

As far as you wanting an explanation, you received pics and emails and that wasn't enough of an explanation? I mean, you mentioned it to ol' boy, he didn't handle it and then broke up with you because of too much drama that he brought. Yeah, you shouldn't spend another thought on him. You got played by a pimp telling you what you wanted to hear. Now just acknowledge it, learn from it and move on. That's all you can do.