Why Does "struggling" With A Man Only Payoff For White Women?

[caribeandiva]

I don't think this is what I observed, but it's better to be a struggle wife (from a young age mind you if the guy has potential.) Being a struggle girlfriend is not a good idea.

Most of the (blk) professional men I know are married to their college sweetheart or grad school girlfriend. They are on Marriage #1. Also most of the older long time married couples - professional I believe are married to the same person or if they divorced it wasn't before wife #1 one got some benefits.

Of course I don't know the exact stats.

The point is those men were already doing SOMETHING. They were in college or grad school. Those girls were not taking care of them while they (the men) sat back and did nothing. I'm all for dating a fellow student. The problem is when he's in school (or hustling to get his business off the ground) and you don't have anything else going for you. You make him the center of your universe. You focus all your energy on him and his success hoping that one day he'll repay your loyalty. Men sense that.

I suspect what happens is the woman starts feeling neglected when he's too busy to spend as much time with her because he's so successful now. She throws it in his face how he couldn't do none of this without her. How she knows he ain't ish. How he owes her his success. It stops being a marriage and becomes a business transaction. The man starts resenting her. He doesn't feel like a hero in his own home so he looks for that elsewhere. Almost magically he meets Becky with the good hair, usually at work. She tells him how awesone he is and how much she respects and admires him. She's giving him what his wife never could: wide eyed admiration untarnished by his previous failures and humble beginnings. Most affairs don't start for sexual reasons. They start for emotional ones.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

@Bkbombshell said something profound in a recent thread:



Is there a racial component to this or am i tripping?

I'd argue that typically white dudes have no problem doing the right thing and marrying the woman that struggled with him. I've known many struggling white couples that ate beans for dinner every night, lived on a tight budget etc. in order to get to the next level.

When that guy get his med degree, business degree etc. he doesn't act brand new and leaves the woman who was by his side during his low moments. Instead his loyalty compells him to marry her and she enjoys the spoils of his success.

However, on the flip side, this type of set up generally doesn't work for black women. We all know the line from the Kayne song, "when he gets on...."

Why doesn't this set up work for black women? Is it black men's self hatred? Lack of loyalty? How can bw better position ourselves to not only recognize potential in men, but benefit from and actually enjoy it when it is realized?

This is what my African father told me and my sister. He said he has never seen a rich African man with the same wife he had before he was rich. Let that sink.

 

[caribeandiva]

So the moral of the story is: wait till they get rich and successful AND THEN marry them.

 

[sweetvi]

I edited this to get to the point:
The point is- Be more selfish. Keep looking for the comeup. Worry about love after you are secure. Most of us are poor-we can't afford go-nowhere struggle love with a dude who (odds are )will turn out not to love us anyway.

What I said before:

Step your game up. Its working for me.

I got my ex-husband to send me to school for an MBA. The MBA was used after that divorce not to make money but for access to men with more money.

I accentuated the looks I had to appeal to men with money.

I pretended not to care about money.

Yess. My problem is I lead with my emotions and that is a no no. Many women I know tell me to think logical and what he can offer first then I can fall in love later. Lol. The ones who lead that way are married.


More tips please ! More tips!