Why do most couples who cohabitat end up in divorce?

[Ayeshia]

I was in developmental psych yesterday and the teacher left this question open ended for a 10 pt extra credit oppurtunity...and at this point I need all the extra credit that I can get Hey I had mono all semester so spare me .

Anyway, she basically reported some statisics that showed that more and more couples who cohabitat before marriage are more likely to end up in divorce than couples who did not. Any opinions as to why this may be happening? Your help is greatly appreciated

 

[mermaid]

Hmm, I've heard that too, but I have no point of reference to back that up or explain or anything!
My parents lived together for 5 years (after dating for 4) before they married and were together until my dad died this year, so together for 43 years.
I divorced my husband because he was a loser, we didn't live together before getting married.

 

[Ayeshia]

yeah and me never having experienced an actual longterm relationship with anyone makes it kinda hard to answer this question from a personal standpoint. The only thing I can go by was my moms live in boyfriend (16 years ago ), and the crap they went through during the breakup process was hell (who would take over the lease, who bought what, etc) It taught me a lesson.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Good question, what I don't understand are the people who are together for 5-10 years, get married, and divorce after 1-2 years... Like, wth? I am really anticipating the replies.

 

[chocolatemom_of_3]

I've only seen this through friends of mine, so bear with me. I believe people become overwhelmed because they are no long'playing house'. After being legally married, they really become responsible for their spouse. They can't just walk away at any time, they must answer for thier comings and goings, etc. The fantasy of married life is wonderful, but unlike what people say, that piece of paper does change things. Maybe not the physical location, but the mindset yes.

ETA: When living together without marriage, there is always an easy 'out'. You no longer like the person, you can just walk away. Sex is bad, just walk away. For a lot of couples, marriage trips the proverbial 'switch' and they realize the enormity of it all. Some, like my husband and I, thrive on it and embrace it. Others may find it far to suffocating, restrictive, and/or demanding and bail via divorce.

 

[NoNapNique]

A few years ago when I was looking for a church to hold my wedding ceremony, I actually had a church pastor recite the same statistics to me over the phone, then go on to say he could not officiate my ceremony because we lived together...

Why you ask? Probably because people who make a deliberate decision to live seperately do so out a a certain conviction (religious or personal)... It's that same conviction/motivation that makes them "stick it out" even in extreme marital situations. People who live together before marriage mostly don't care what others think, so when it comes time to call it quits - they do.

That said, I think it's important for people to know that just because a couple chooses not to live together does not mean they don't have the same level of difficulty and problems in their marriage, the only difference is that they won't call it quits as easily.

 

[winterinatl]

Ayesha, I think it may have to do with their mindset before they are even married.

I'll bet in a lot of situations the man would have been fine not getting married, he had eveything HE needed/wanted, and probably got stressed into getting married. If he never truly wanted to get married, or wasn't really ready, it will be obvious and those waves will affect the marriage.

I also sort of think that if you as a woman allow the man to stay with you for a large amount of time without requiring him to ask you to marry him, you are setting yourself up for failure---you are not requiring him to do his best by you. I hope I'm making sense...

I aslo think there is no delineation of the relatioinship status once you've lived together and marry...for some folks. You were cooking dinner and watching him shave before you married, now its still the same. The whole romance of getting to be with each other 24/7 (if you want to call it that, lol) won't be there.

You know we women have grandiose Ideas in our heads of what 'marriage" should be (I know I do). If there are no "changes" once the 'I do's' have been exchanged, there are likely to be problems.

In all, I think it mostly has to do with expectations.

 

[winterinatl]

A few years ago when I was looking for a church to hold my wedding ceremony, I actually had a church pastor recite the same statistics to me over the phone, then go on to say he could not officiate my ceremony because we lived together...

Why you ask? Probably because people who make a deliberate decision to live seperately do so out a a certain conviction (religious or personal)... It's that same conviction/motivation that makes them "stick it out" even in extreme marital situations. People who live together before marriage mostly don't care what others think, so when it comes time to call it quits - they do.

That said, I think it's important for people to know that just because a couple chooses not to live together does not mean they don't have the same level of difficulty and problems in their marriage, the only difference is that they won't call it quits as easily.

Thanks you said just what I was trying to express!

 

[longhairluva]

I've only seen this through friends of mine, so bear with me. I believe people become overwhelmed because they are no long'playing house'. After being legally married, they really become responsible for their spouse. They can't just walk away at any time, they must answer for thier comings and goings, etc. The fantasy of married life is wonderful, but unlike what people say, that piece of paper does change things. Maybe not the physical location, but the mindset yes.

ETA: When living together without marriage, there is always an easy 'out'. You no longer like the person, you can just walk away. Sex is bad, just walk away. For a lot of couples, marriage trips the proverbial 'switch' and they realize the enormity of it all. Some, like my husband and I, thrive on it and embrace it. Others may find it far to suffocating, restrictive, and/or demanding and bail via divorce.

Terrific post

 

[Ayeshia]

I've only seen this through friends of mine, so bear with me. I believe people become overwhelmed because they are no long'playing house'. After being legally married, they really become responsible for their spouse. They can't just walk away at any time, they must answer for thier comings and goings, etc. The fantasy of married life is wonderful, but unlike what people say, that piece of paper does change things. Maybe not the physical location, but the mindset yes.

ETA: When living together without marriage, there is always an easy 'out'. You no longer like the person, you can just walk away. Sex is bad, just walk away. For a lot of couples, marriage trips the proverbial 'switch' and they realize the enormity of it all. Some, like my husband and I, thrive on it and embrace it. Others may find it far to suffocating, restrictive, and/or demanding and bail via divorce.

this is along the lines of what I was thinking too. My best friend thinks that these stats are a crock of bull. I asked her but I think she took offense to it because she is living with her bf. I wasn't asking her to be spiteful I just wanted to know what she thought about it. She says she opted to live with him becasue she wants to know what she's getting into and then she can decide if he's someone that she can live with forever. I suppose she thinks that if they get along now then they will get along after the vows are exchanged. Me on the other hand it wouldnt take me to move in with him to know what Im getting into. I dont have to live with him to see that he is a slob, an excessive spender, doesnt have a work ethic, has bad hygiene, his personality, etc. You can only put up a front for so long

 

[mermaid]

A few years ago when I was looking for a church to hold my wedding ceremony, I actually had a church pastor recite the same statistics to me over the phone, then go on to say he could not officiate my ceremony because we lived together...

Why you ask? Probably because people who make a deliberate decision to live seperately do so out a a certain conviction (religious or personal)... It's that same conviction/motivation that makes them "stick it out" even in extreme marital situations. People who live together before marriage mostly don't care what others think, so when it comes time to call it quits - they do.

That said, I think it's important for people to know that just because a couple chooses not to live together does not mean they don't have the same level of difficulty and problems in their marriage, the only difference is that they won't call it quits as easily.

That makes a lot of sense.

 

[Ayeshia]

Ayesha, I think it may have to do with their mindset before they are even married.

I'll bet in a lot of situations the man would have been fine not getting married, he had eveything HE needed/wanted, and probably got stressed into getting married. If he never truly wanted to get married, or wasn't really ready, it will be obvious and those waves will affect the marriage.

I also sort of think that if you as a woman allow the man to stay with you for a large amount of time without requiring him to ask you to marry him , you are setting yourself up for failure---you are not requiring him to do his best by you. I hope I'm making sense...

I aslo think there is no delineation of the relatioinship status once you've lived together and marry...for some folks. You were cooking dinner and watching him shave before you married, now its still the same. The whole romance of getting to be with each other 24/7 (if you want to call it that, lol) won't be there.

You know we women have grandiose Ideas in our heads of what 'marriage" should be (I know I do). If there are no "changes" once the 'I do's' have been exchanged, there are likely to be problems.

In all, I think it mostly has to do with expectations.

damn why I gotta ask him? I hope that I dont have to demand that from..he should want to

My psych teacher just emailed me and she gave me one sentence...egalitarian relationship that sharply transitions into a traditional relationship and so called "roles" that weren't shared or bestowed upon the relationship before. Yeah I suppose that helped

 

[Ayeshia]

A few years ago when I was looking for a church to hold my wedding ceremony, I actually had a church pastor recite the same statistics to me over the phone, then go on to say he could not officiate my ceremony because we lived together...

Why you ask? Probably because people who make a deliberate decision to live seperately do so out a a certain conviction (religious or personal)... It's that same conviction/motivation that makes them "stick it out" even in extreme marital situations. People who live together before marriage mostly don't care what others think, so when it comes time to call it quits - they do.

That said, I think it's important for people to know that just because a couple chooses not to live together does not mean they don't have the same level of difficulty and problems in their marriage, the only difference is that they won't call it quits as easily.

it really does make a lot of sense

I suppose my reasons for choosing not to go this route have nothing to do with my religious convictions but more so the protection and property of my assets that he might try to front as his in case things go sour. I can't let that happen Im greedy like dat.

 

[chocolatemom_of_3]

it really does make a lot of sense

I suppose my reasons for choosing not to go this route have nothing to do with my religious convictions but more so the protection and property of my assets that he might try to front as his in case things go sour. I can't let that happen Im greedy like dat.

You are not greedy, you are smart. Marriage is more than a piece of paper, it is a legal protection for the divison of assets and property and a legal anoouncement of financial responsibilities. Anyone that says it's just a piece of paper is feeding you a line of bull.

My husband and I lived together before marriage. But we were 1) already engaged and 2) he knew there was a set amount of time this situation would last before I terminated the relationship without completion of the engagement. He tried to flounder out of it, and I promptly let him know the terms of our agreement and the consequences of not meeting those terms. We've now been married 4 years.

 

[winterinatl]

You are not greedy, you are smart. Marriage is more than a piece of paper, it is a legal protection for the divison of assets and property and a legal anoouncement of financial responsibilities. Anyone that says it's just a piece of paper is feeding you a line of bull.

My husband and I lived together before marriage. But we were 1) already engaged and 2) he knew there was a set amount of time this situation would last before I terminated the relationship without completion of the engagement. He tried to flounder out of it, and I promptly let him know the terms of our agreement and the consequences of not meeting those terms. We've now been married 4 years.

@ Ayeisha, this is what I meant by requiring that he want to marry you. I didn't mean you should have to be the one to ask. I am so not for that...

Eta: I agree with you professor's sentence; he said what I was saying about changing rapidly from one kind of lifestyle to to other.

also would like to add: your friends that are cohabitating will be QUICK to be defensive about this. Mine was, too. She got married after 8 years, but she had to twist his arm. I aint' twisting no man's armt o be with me. That hurts my ego, lol.

 

[Ayeshia]

@ Ayeisha, this is what I meant by requiring that he want to marry you. I didn't mean you should have to be the one to ask. I am so not for that...

Eta: I agree with you professor's sentence; he said what I was saying about changing rapidly from one kind of lifestyle to to other.

also would like to add: your friends that are cohabitating will be QUICK to be defensive about this. Mine was, too. She got married after 8 years, but she had to twist his arm. I aint' twisting no man's armt o be with me. That hurts my ego, lol.

lol me too....he proposed to her last year and now all of a sudden he doesnt feel as if he is ready...but just last week he was excited that they were expecting. Too wishy washy for me but if she likes it I love it. All I know is if he pulls a fast one on her, I will be highly upset. She makes good money in the city but not god enough to live a lone with a child. I told him that I have my eye on him Take that fool to the courthouse!

 

[Browndilocks]

this is along the lines of what I was thinking too. My best friend thinks that these stats are a crock of bull. I asked her but I think she took offense to it because she is living with her bf. I wasn't asking her to be spiteful I just wanted to know what she thought about it. She says she opted to live with him becasue she wants to know what she's getting into and then she can decide if he's someone that she can live with forever. I suppose she thinks that if they get along now then they will get along after the vows are exchanged. Me on the other hand it wouldnt take me to move in with him to know what Im getting into. I dont have to live with him to see that he is a slob, an excessive spender, doesnt have a work ethic, has bad hygiene, his personality, etc. You can only put up a front for so long

My cousin said this exact same thing. So did one of my best friends, my old roommate, my aunt and my co-worker. None of them got married. I think women set themselves up for failure if they try to convince themselves that living with a man to "see if it works" is actually a smart thing to do.

 

[Ayeshia]

My cousin said this exact same thing. So did one of my best friends, my old roommate, my aunt and my co-worker. None of them got married. I think women set themselves up for failure if they try to convince themselves that living with a man to "see if it works" is actually a smart thing to do.

my ummmm uncle lived with my aunt (well my cousins mother) for 20 years....never proposed. I was devastated when they broke up....now he's about to marry his gf of 2 years on Dec 27 who just moved in 6 months ago. I felt for my aunt but I would have never waited that long for anyone Well he is 45 now...I guess he had to do it sometime or another. His gf is 3 years older than I am. Go figure.

 

[Aubergold]

my ummmm uncle lived with my aunt (well my cousins mother) for 20 years....never proposed. I was devastated when they broke up....now he's about to marry his gf of 2 years on Dec 27 who just moved in 6 months ago. I felt for my aunt but I would have never waited that long for anyone Well he is 45 now...I guess he had to do it sometime or another. His gf is 3 years older than I am. Go figure.

OUCH!!! IS your aunt ok? (((((Ayeshia's auntie)))

 

[breezy]

my ummmm uncle lived with my aunt (well my cousins mother) for 20 years....never proposed. I was devastated when they broke up....now he's about to marry his gf of 2 years on Dec 27 who just moved in 6 months ago. I felt for my aunt but I would have never waited that long for anyone Well he is 45 now...I guess he had to do it sometime or another. His gf is 3 years older than I am. Go figure.

My aunt and uncle have been together since my mom was pregnant w/ me, but they just got married in 2005. I think it's weird that they've been together since before I was born, yet I've been married longer than they have.

I moved in w/ dh before we got married. But we were already engaged and got married 2 months after moving in together. I don't really know why some ppl get divorced after cohabitation b/c I've seen too much evidence for both sides to really say...

 

[Ayeshia]

OUCH!!! IS your aunt ok? (((((Ayeshia's auntie)))

its been 6 years since it happened but now she's seems okay now.... they had my cousin in 92' so technically she's still connected to my family. I mean dont get me wrong she aint depressed but best believe if he asked to get back with her she would do it in a hot second. Unless she truly is over him. Dont they say that the time you invested in your relatinship usually takes twice that amount of time to get over what happened? If so she aint gonna be right for 40 years. That sucks.

 

[DatJerseyDyme]

I took a Families and Societies class a few years ago and one of the explanations that my prof gave was that people have changing expectations of one another after they are married. They are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever) and expect that their husband or wife will behave in a certain way or change certain things once they are married. More often than not, they don't.

 

[Browndilocks]

my ummmm uncle lived with my aunt (well my cousins mother) for 20 years....never proposed. I was devastated when they broke up....now he's about to marry his gf of 2 years on Dec 27 who just moved in 6 months ago. I felt for my aunt but I would have never waited that long for anyone Well he is 45 now...I guess he had to do it sometime or another. His gf is 3 years older than I am. Go figure.

Well damn....

 

[alexstin]

damn why I gotta ask him? I hope that I dont have to demand that from..he should want to

My psych teacher just emailed me and she gave me one sentence...egalitarian relationship that sharply transitions into a traditional relationship and so called "roles" that weren't shared or bestowed upon the relationship before. Yeah I suppose that helped

Interesting!!! I can see that happening.

 

[moda]

IMO cohabitatants are less likely to support each other financially in crises, and to manage their money together. If your man spent money extravagantly, there's not much you will say as long as the bills are paid. If your spouse does it, you would have plenty to say, and it is easier for spouses to have access to and monitor each other's finances. This can cause a problem when a relationship evolves from bf/gf to spouse because his/her thinking is I always did this, so why change now? Also I think cohabitatants are less likely to be sexually faithful. I know quite a few men/women who regularly cheated on their live in (unbeknownst to them), and promised themselves that once married they would remain faithful. Do you really think they did? I think these are just some of the things cohabitants may be "guilty" of and once married expectations of one may change, while the other feels they can continue to live as they did before.

 

[XXXtacy]

You are not greedy, you are smart. Marriage is more than a piece of paper, it is a legal protection for the divison of assets and property and a legal anoouncement of financial responsibilities. Anyone that says it's just a piece of paper is feeding you a line of bull.

My husband and I lived together before marriage. But we were 1) already engaged and 2) he knew there was a set amount of time this situation would last before I terminated the relationship without completion of the engagement. He tried to flounder out of it, and I promptly let him know the terms of our agreement and the consequences of not meeting those terms. We've now been married 4 years.

Yeah, that is the truth.

Common law marriages exist in some states when people have been living together for 2 years. If that person dies of has some freak accident, the live-ins have no say so and no entitlement to any assets. There is benefits in marriage.

I still do not know the answer to your question though. My girlfriend had parents that had 3 children and did not marry until their oldest child was 19. They needed to pull together resources to make sure the child got through college. Divorced a year later. I never understood that.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Do anyone think it is the "relaxing" phenomenon?

I see it all the time. I think (my personal opinions here) that people only cohabitate to let the other mate know how good of a wife/husband they will be. They rub his back, cook him dinner ( I am using women for this example), fold his clothes all of that in hopes of getting a point across-show him they will be a good wife and married. Then bam, they get married (most don't even make it to this point), and she let's go and start 'relaxing.' For she "already has him now" so there is no need to "try" anymore. I think this goes far deeper then the small things such as cooking but it can go to the bigger things such as communication and even just trying to keep up the marriage.

Yall feel me?

 

[LocksOfLuV]

You are not greedy, you are smart. Marriage is more than a piece of paper, it is a legal protection for the divison of assets and property and a legal anoouncement of financial responsibilities. Anyone that says it's just a piece of paper is feeding you a line of bull.

My husband and I lived together before marriage. But we were 1) already engaged and 2) he knew there was a set amount of time this situation would last before I terminated the relationship without completion of the engagement. He tried to flounder out of it, and I promptly let him know the terms of our agreement and the consequences of not meeting those terms. We've now been married 4 years.

I cannot STAND a person who uses the 'it's just a peice of paper" excuse. I mean seriously, if it were just a damn peice of paper then why not do it? They almost always look like this -> when I say that to them. Stop trying to justify a man not wanting to marry you!

 

[gymfreak336]

Me and my boyfriend live together and have lived together for a year. Maybe I should move out

 

[SweetCaramel1]

I was in developmental psych yesterday and the teacher left this question open ended for a 10 pt extra credit oppurtunity...and at this point I need all the extra credit that I can get Hey I had mono all semester so spare me .

Anyway, she basically reported some statisics that showed that more and more couples who cohabitat before marriage are more likely to end up in divorce than couples who did not. Any opinions as to why this may be happening? Your help is greatly appreciated

interesting question. i bet they're not taking into account all of the people that shack up for 20 years that never get married

i guess the people that shack up first are wore out by the time they actually get married.