Why do most couples who cohabitat end up in divorce?

[nadine1977canada]

Look what i Found!!!! I was curious about this fact to ...So I looked it up:

http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2001/January/cohabitation.aspx

they hit the nail right on the nail! I learned alot from this article

 

[frankie]

Great article.

I never knew that the stats stacked up against 'shacking up', but in watching relatives have live in bf and gf relationships, it never led to the altar.

I don't want to set myself up for failure when it comes to something as important as marriage, so I'll definitely try to avoid cohabitation.

 

[PaperClip]

I feel you but WHY?? WHY DO MEN DO THAT????? I know too many women who spend years with a man, only to break up with him, then his trife behind goes out and marry someone else in record speed. Is it that the previous women use all of her energy and time "training" him for another woman? That trips me out. I hope to God it doesn't happen to me.

Well that's simple: degree of TOLERANCE. What one woman will tolerate or put up with, another woman will not. For some women, it is simply unacceptable to date, court, etc., without the man directly professing his intentions--either way: YAY or NAY.

 

[moda]

Well that's simple: degree of TOLERANCE. What one woman will tolerate or put up with, another woman will not. For some women, it is simply unacceptable to date, court, etc., without the man directly professing his intentions--either way: YAY or NAY.

I agree, and I am also convinced the man wanted to be married originally, however, the woman he shacked with all those years was not the "one".

I have a family member who shacked, had 2 kids, and got married to the children's father when the oldest was 13 or 14. He did not really want to marry her, and I can see how he felt forced to, it was cheaper to keep her in their case because of the children. I would not be surprised if a divorce is in their near future, specifically around the time of child 2 turning 18

 

[syze6]

My brother married his wife and it is hell to live together! He wishes he had lived with her to see all the nasty habits, he can't live with! Sometimes living together gives you an idea of what the other is like. I doubt the romance od living together is going to be there if you can't live with each other! If I had not lived with my husband before, I would not have been able to live with him now! I think the whole marriage and merging of two lives together is great! I think living together for the first time in marriage is great! In reality, it doesn't work for a lot of people!

 

[MizAvalon]

Look what i Found!!!! I was curious about this fact to ...So I looked it up:

http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2001/January/cohabitation.aspx

they hit the nail right on the nail! I learned alot from this article

This is an EXCELLENT article! Should be required reading for all young people!

 

[Browndilocks]

I was on the phone with a male friend of mine "Brian" last night who broke this question down to me by simply talking about his best friend "John" & cousin "Cathy". Follow me:

Basically, John is the type to have any number of females trying to get with him or cater to him. He hooked up with Cathy (Brian's cousin) who has a son, and she moved in with him. All while they lived together, Brian took Cathy through changes involving other women and just being a plain ass, although he was very good to her son. Cathy told Brian about this, and Brian convinced her to move out of John's place. She cried and pleaded with Brian to come up with another idea but he didn't. He refused to try to talk "sense" into his boy, but opted to help her in another way instead. Brian leased Cathy an apartment.

One day when Jon got home from work, all of Cathy & her son's things were GONE. Cathy was very upset with Brian at first because she thought he convinced her to be too drastic. He had her stuck in a lease inone of his own apartment buildings and said that he'd report to the credit bureaus if she broke the lease and moved back in with John. He didn't care if she was his cousin.

1 year later, John proposed to Cathy. They're getting married in September 07 and having a huge wedding. Brian said that when Cathy moved out, the tables turned in her favor because John thought she was just going to be living with him & tolerating his crap. He said that living without him empowered her. Brian is not the type to council people per se, but he obviously knows that couples living together isn't usually a good mix.

 

[moda]

My brother married his wife and it is hell to live together! He wishes he had lived with her to see all the nasty habits, he can't live with! Sometimes living together gives you an idea of what the other is like. I doubt the romance od living together is going to be there if you can't live with each other! If I had not lived with my husband before, I would not have been able to live with him now! I think the whole marriage and merging of two lives together is great! I think living together for the first time in marriage is great! In reality, it doesn't work for a lot of people!

I used to believe wholeheartedly I would need to live with a man before I married him to make sure we "could" live together. Now I really don't see the point in that. My husband and I are very different in how we keep our house and we have had many discussions on how easy it is to clean up after himself, put things back where they belong, and make up the bed, we are still struggling with many of these issues but it is not serious enough for me to consider leaving him. Once his favorite coat was not hung up and it drives me crazy that everyday he walks past the closet to throw his coat on the sofa, so I hid it in a place where he had thrown it before and threw something over it. He tore up our house looking for that darn coat, and I let him, knowing all along where it was. He finally found it about a week later, and still does not know he did not put it there but he hangs up his coat now All I have to do is work on his other habits. Although I have a hard time cleaning up after a grown man, it is much easier to clean up after my husband than I believe it would have been for my boyfriend.

 

[Bunny77]

The ironic part about this whole thing is that the action many folks are taking to try to really get to know what marriage is like to avoid divorce (cohabitation), happens to be something that makes couples MORE likely to divorce anyway.

It's throwing the baby out with the bathwater... folks see skyrocketing divorce rates and decide to take so-called extra precautions by doing trial marriages, not realizing that their decisions might be raising the divorce rates more in the end.

BTW... personally, I don't care what two grown folks do with their lives (I do have a problem when kids are in the picture in some way though). I don't want to cohabitate, but I have three friends who do and have all gotten married. So I know it can work... however, I don't think many of these couples really and truly realize what they're getting into when they choose this option. It's so much more complicated than just "we're saving money," or "we're at each other's places all the time anyway, so what's the difference," or "I want to make sure I can handle marrying this man, so let me live with him first to see if it would work."

 

[Bunny77]

I used to believe wholeheartedly I would need to live with a man before I married him to make sure we "could" live together. Now I really don't see the point in that.

Agreed. You can figure this out anyway to some degree just by spending time with each other. I've never lived with any past boyfriends, but I know about their habits... eating/sleeping/cleanliness... and they know about mine as well. I know it's different having to deal with it 24/7, of course, but if you spend enough time with your BF in the dating process to get to know him and his quirks, etc., you'll have a pretty good idea of what you'll be dealing with in a marriage.

 

[deltagyrl]

Get outta my head. ITA.
Dh's last relationship lasted about 6 years and they lived together for most of that time. He said it never crossed his mind to propose to her. Needless to say he proposed to me after dating for 3 months (I wouldn't give him any or let him stay overnight so he knew shacking was OUT of the question.). All men aren't crazy. They know who they can pull that "I'm not ready" crap on.

Also, my brother is dating a nice girl (but she has a LOT of kids). She's handling her biz and those kids are from her 1st marriage. They've "been together" for almost 2 years. She washes and irons his clothes, cooks for him and wants him to move into her place since they're "always together." Recently I spent the weekend with them and she dropped hints the whole time about wanting to be his wife and he FLAT out said (in front of me) "I don't want to marry you." They are still together and she's washing, ironing and cooking like she always has....... I asked him the other day if he was going to propose anytime soon and he said (again) that he wasn't going to marry her because she had too many kids.?? I then went on to ask why he was still in this relationship and he said "it's something to do to pass the time."

If you're going to co-habitate PLEASE make sure you don't fall into the "something to do" category, ladies.

Probably because people who make a deliberate decision to live seperately do so out a a certain conviction (religious or personal)... It's that same conviction/motivation that makes them "stick it out" even in extreme marital situations. People who live together before marriage mostly don't care what others think, so when it comes time to call it quits - they do.

That said, I think it's important for people to know that just because a couple chooses not to live together does not mean they don't have the same level of difficulty and problems in their marriage, the only difference is that they won't call it quits as easily.

 

[frankie]

Get outta my head. ITA!
Food for thought: Dh's last relationship lasted about 6 years and they lived together for most of that time. He said it never crossed his mind to propose to her. Needless to say he proposed to me after ating for 3 months (I wouldn't give him any or let him stay overnight so he knew shacking was OUT of the question.).
Not surprisingly his ex didn't take it well and we had some 'psycho' drama for a little while but I think she's moved on.

I think that sums it up right there!!!

I was talking to my college sweetie not long ago, who now lives with his girlfriend, he looked at me like I was crazy when I asked if they were engaged. Then I asked if he was gonna marry her...he quickly replied No, not anytime soon. I wonder if she knows that!

 

[LocksOfLuV]

The ironic part about this whole thing is that the action many folks are taking to try to really get to know what marriage is like to avoid divorce (cohabitation), happens to be something that makes couples MORE likely to divorce anyway.

It's throwing the baby out with the bathwater... folks see skyrocketing divorce rates and decide to take so-called extra precautions by doing trial marriages, not realizing that their decisions might be raising the divorce rates more in the end.

BTW... personally, I don't care what two grown folks do with their lives (I do have a problem when kids are in the picture in some way though). I don't want to cohabitate, but I have three friends who do and have all gotten married. So I know it can work... however, I don't think many of these couples really and truly realize what they're getting into when they choose this option. It's so much more complicated than just "we're saving money," or "we're at each other's places all the time anyway, so what's the difference," or "I want to make sure I can handle marrying this man, so let me live with him first to see if it would work."

Yes yes and yes! I so agree with this.

 

[Browndilocks]

Get outta my head. ITA.
Dh's last relationship lasted about 6 years and they lived together for most of that time. He said it never crossed his mind to propose to her. Needless to say he proposed to me after dating for 3 months (I wouldn't give him any or let him stay overnight so he knew shacking was OUT of the question.). All men aren't crazy. They know who they can pull that "I'm not ready" crap on.

Also, my brother is dating a nice girl (but she has a LOT of kids). She's handling her biz and those kids are from her 1st marriage. They've "been together" for almost 2 years. She washes and irons his clothes, cooks for him and wants him to move into her place since they're "always together." Recently I spent the weekend with them and she dropped hints the whole time about wanting to be his wife and he FLAT out said (in front of me) "I don't want to marry you." They are still together and she's washing, ironing and cooking like she always has....... I asked him the other day if he was going to propose anytime soon and he said (again) that he wasn't going to marry her because she had too many kids.?? I then went on to ask why he was still in this relationship and he said "it's something to do to pass the time."

If you're going to co-habitate PLEASE make sure you don't fall into the "something to do" category, ladies.

Wow. It's nice to hear the POV of the woman who actually gets the man to marry her shortly after he cohabited w/someone else.

 

[chocolatemom_of_3]

Get outta my head. ITA.
Dh's last relationship lasted about 6 years and they lived together for most of that time. He said it never crossed his mind to propose to her. Needless to say he proposed to me after dating for 3 months (I wouldn't give him any or let him stay overnight so he knew shacking was OUT of the question.). All men aren't crazy. They know who they can pull that "I'm not ready" crap on.

Also, my brother is dating a nice girl (but she has a LOT of kids). She's handling her biz and those kids are from her 1st marriage. They've "been together" for almost 2 years. She washes and irons his clothes, cooks for him and wants him to move into her place since they're "always together." Recently I spent the weekend with them and she dropped hints the whole time about wanting to be his wife and he FLAT out said (in front of me) "I don't want to marry you." They are still together and she's washing, ironing and cooking like she always has....... I asked him the other day if he was going to propose anytime soon and he said (again) that he wasn't going to marry her because she had too many kids.?? I then went on to ask why he was still in this relationship and he said "it's something to do to pass the time."

If you're going to co-habitate PLEASE make sure you don't fall into the "something to do" category, ladies.

What's so wrong about the bolded portion is that she is setting the example that this is okay for her children. It is not. She is being used and is too 'in love' to see through your brother's bullsh*t (not to insult you). As the primary parent, she should set her bar at a level she would like her kids to imitate. This is is so not it. Her children are growing attached to a person who has ZERO intentions of making himself a permanent fixture in their life. When your brother finally decides he is done "passing the time", they will be hurt the most of all.

I also no longer believe in co-habitation unless it is with a set time frame (2 years or less) and with clear expectations of whtat it will lead to from both parties. Even then, it is a serious stretch because of the mind frame manipulation and lies by so many males nowadays.

 

[mshoney2u]

I think this has to do with something else we discussed on the board called the Timing Theory. Something seems to snap in some men at a certain age/point in life in which they realize that it's time for them to settle down... so Miss Perfect might have been in their lives at some point, but because the men simply weren't ready, they passed her by. When they decide they're ready, Miss Average could walk along and he'll pick her simply because they've decided it's time.

We as women just have to pay attention to the cues men are giving off so we can figure out if we're wasting our time and need to move on.

ITA and the bolded is so on point to me. This is something my daddy has told me from a little girl. Why do you think you hear always hear men say that's the one I let get away.

 

[carcajada]

I was in developmental psych yesterday and the teacher left this question open ended for a 10 pt extra credit oppurtunity...and at this point I need all the extra credit that I can get Hey I had mono all semester so spare me .

Anyway, she basically reported some statisics that showed that more and more couples who cohabitat before marriage are more likely to end up in divorce than couples who did not. Any opinions as to why this may be happening? Your help is greatly appreciated

One issue is within the act of managing the physical environment of the couple. Cohabiting couples are more likely to be abusive than in dating couples of the same age. They conflict more on a larger range of topics and are twice as abusive, particularly in long-term relationships (Magdol, Moffitt, Capsi, & de Silva, 1998) . All of this information has an impact on conflicting constructively. Many unresolved marital conflicts result in divorce or dissolution of cohabiting.

Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) found that cohabiting couples regard money and work differently than other couples. This variation influences the wasys cohabiting couples negotiate differences and establish patterns and rules affecting their interaction. Cohabiting women view money as a way to achieve equality, and therefore they seek independence and want to avoid economic dependency. Conversly, the men expect economic equality more than married men. The cohabiting partner with greater income determines more of the couple's recreational activites. In the study cited above, cohabitors were found to believe that both partners should work and share housework..BUT..women actually did more of this than the men did. They found that male cohabitors were more competitive with their partners and rank the relationship as more important than their job!

 

[omnipadme]

This is a really great topic!

I've never lived with a SO, but me and my boyfriend are serious and all that good stuff and I've been thinking about the possibility of us living together. He is at that place where he wants the marriage and the great friendship/relationship, so I do not want to mess up our chances by cohabitating! He tried to hint that I should move in with him when my lease is up and I didn't know what I should do, but now I see the light

 

[carcajada]

This is a really great topic!

I've never lived with a SO, but me and my boyfriend are serious and all that good stuff and I've been thinking about the possibility of us living together. He is at that place where he wants the marriage and the great friendship/relationship, so I do not want to mess up our chances by cohabitating! He tried to hint that I should move in with him when my lease is up and I didn't know what I should do, but now I see the light

Good! Take it from me, I am an engaged cohabitor as we speak and it is a LONG HARD journey that could have been avoided if we would have moved in with each other AFTER the wedding.

I heard Alec Baldwin on talk radio say, "You never know a person until you see their monster." Boy oh boy is THAT true!

 

[Ariana4000]

In my opinion, it is easier to walk out on someone when you just live together. I've done it before. If I would have been married, I would have thought twice. You have nothing to tie you down.

 

[deltagyrl]

I agree & disagree.

In my brother's defense he takes care of ALL of them, groceries, bills, clothes, car notes, rent (sometimes). They frequently go away on week long va-cays (which is expensive as hayle w/ a whole bunch of kids) on his dime. He has no biological children, is gainfully employed, financially stable, generous to a fault and spoils our mother like you wouldn't believe. Did I mention that he's a cutie too?

I do believe that she's settling for less than what she deserves because a "ring" doesn't seem to be on his radar.

According to him he was forthright when the "m" word came up and let her know that he understood if she wanted out. She didn't.

Now who's using who?


ETA: He's been raising the son of his ex-girlfriend (who's now on drugs) for 12 years. If he didn't completely disappear from my nephew's life once that relatonship was over (and he certainly had every right to) I doubt that he'll abandon her kids.

What's so wrong about the bolded portion is that she is setting the example that this is okay for her children. It is not. She is being used and is too 'in love' to see through your brother's bullsh*t (not to insult you). As the primary parent, she should set her bar at a level she would like her kids to imitate. This is is so not it. Her children are growing attached to a person who has ZERO intentions of making himself a permanent fixture in their life. When your brother finally decides he is done "passing the time", they will be hurt the most of all.

I also no longer believe in co-habitation unless it is with a set time frame (2 years or less) and with clear expectations of whtat it will lead to from both parties. Even then, it is a serious stretch because of the mind frame manipulation and lies by so many males nowadays.

 

[Bunny77]

I agree & disagree.

In my brother's defense he takes care of ALL of them, groceries, bills, clothes, car notes, rent (sometimes). They frequently go away on week long va-cays (which is expensive as hayle w/ a whole bunch of kids) on his dime. He has no biological children, is gainfully employed, financially stable, generous to a fault and spoils our mother like you wouldn't believe. Did I mention that he's a cutie too?

I do believe that she's settling for less than what she deserves because a "ring" doesn't seem to be on his radar.

According to him he was forthright when the "m" word came up and let her know that he understood if she wanted out. She didn't.

Now who's using who?


ETA: He's been raising the son of his ex-girlfriend (who's now on drugs) for 12 years. If he didn't completely disappear from my nephew's life once that relatonship was over (and he certainly had every right to) I doubt that he'll abandon her kids.

I guess the question is this... say another woman comes along and your brother falls for her? Would he leave this current partner behind? Is he basically waiting for his current GF to end it, but until she does, he'll remain faithful to her, but just not marry her?

I understand that he's been honest with her and she chooses to stay, but I'm wondering too what he plans to do down the road in terms of this relationship... just be one of those couples that stays together forever?

 

[deltagyrl]

I have not a clue and, honestly, I don't think he's thinking that far ahead. It seems like he's content taking each day as it comes. Who knows? The one thing I DO know is that it doesn't take years for a man to figure out if you're the one. If he's sure she's not the one I most certainly do believe him.

I guess the question is this... say another woman comes along and your brother falls for her? Would he leave this current partner behind? Is he basically waiting for his current GF to end it, but until she does, he'll remain faithful to her, but just not marry her?

I understand that he's been honest with her and she chooses to stay, but I'm wondering too what he plans to do down the road in terms of this relationship... just be one of those couples that stays together forever?

 

[Ayeshia]

Agreed. You can figure this out anyway to some degree just by spending time with each other. I've never lived with any past boyfriends, but I know about their habits... eating/sleeping/cleanliness... and they know about mine as well. I know it's different having to deal with it 24/7, of course, but if you spend enough time with your BF in the dating process to get to know him and his quirks, etc., you'll have a pretty good idea of what you'll be dealing with in a marriage.

I agree..Im highly observant to habits of other people, so unlike some who naturally are not, I dont have to go all the way to see if things workout, boyfirend, roomate, etc. Overall I know that I am a very easy person to live with. I have lived with 4 roomates over the past 5 years 1 of which is my best friend. Not ONCE have I had some type of dispute or argument. I knew my best friends habit from the jump....she knows that I HATE long hairs in the shower drain...and I know that she hates when people leave dishes or food in the sink. SO when we moved in together I was not leary about whether it would work out or not. It didnt take me to move with her to see if we if we got along or not. So with that theory if I can live with a best friend, then shoooooot I'll be aiight with the hubby