Why am I feeling guilty......

[MsChelle]

Here is the situation: I have a friend who is single dad raising his two kids. Both(14 yr old boy & 11yr old girl) have hair down their backs. The lady who was doing their hair recently moved out of state. Dad asked me to help with their hair until he found someone new. Well, the son decided he was tired of being mistaken for a girl and got his cut off. The daughter likes when I do her hair so she didn't want to go to a salon. Here is the issue...I recently went back to school and have not been able to do her hair as regularly as I should. In the past couple of months I have had to detangle her hair from what had started to turn to locs. I told Dad this can NEVER happen again and he needs to make sure she is combing her hair. I suggested he consider braided styles until she is old enough to take better care of her hair. She said no. This past Saturday I went over to do her hair and again it was a rat's nest! I could barely get a comb through it. I called a stylist friend of mine and she agreed to take her. She suggested relaxing it to help with the tangling. I agreed......Now I am feeling guilty because I know that she is not going to take the proper care of her hair. I feel obligated to go to their home a few times a week now just to maintain it for her. Why am I feeling so guilty??? See before and photos listed below.....The stylist did have to cut about 2 inches due to her ends being in bad shape.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Wow, I was all set to come in here and reassure you as I know first hand what it's like when people (several in my case) want you to maintain their hair and you're also a full time student. But I honestly feel its wrong to relax children's hair. There are so many other solutions that could have been made in this circumstance. Her natural hair was full, long and beautiful. I had the experience of my aunt relaxing my hair when I was younger and then leaving the state and my hair really suffered in that time.


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[libertysince05]

possibly because of this:
"She suggested relaxing it to help with the tangling. I agreed......Now I am feeling guilty because I know that she is not going to take the proper care of her hair."
you should not have suggested this knowing she would not take care ofg her hair, either its braids, regular cuts or appoint someone else to do her hair.
Also at 11 its time she starts to learn to take care of her own hair...and her dad should learn to.
If it breaks of they will all blame you...( just saying)

 

[ms.blue]

I think you should have stressed the importance of detangling and keeping the hair in protectives styles (braids or twists). If the young lady can't even take care of her hair natural, how can she take care of her hair relaxed? I think you should help her learn to take care her hair on her own.

 

[Aireen]

This is not the greatest advice but it helped me. When I was NOT taking care of my hair as well as it should, it broke off. I used to think my strands were invincible against damage so I took advantage and did things that weren't necessarily good for my hair. Basically, I learned from my mistakes. If she simply will not listen to anyone and thinks her hair will be long forever, then she'll have to learn from her mistakes through experience — simple.

I know you feel bad but maybe if she still doesn't take care of her hair and it breaks off she'll take note and start listening to her elders' advice instead of saying no all the time.

 

[Tiye]

At her age she would have been better off with braids. But what's done is done. I'd write down care instructions for her and tell her if she doesn't follow them exactly as written - she'll end up bald. I know that's harsh but you have to be forthright with children. She may or may not follow your instructions, but you'll have done your part. Eleven is young but it's not too young to learn about choices and consequences.

 

[Evolving78]

yeah OP, not to rub salt in, but you made a bad call on that one. her hair is going to break off something terrible now if you don't continue to help out.

 

[*CherryPie*]

You feel guilty because YOU told them to relax her hair, knowing that she is not going to take care of it.

You should've done her hair really wel, then tried to find a natural hair stylist.

I can see that hair being gone real soon!

 

[Nasdaq_Diva]

Honestly you should feel guilty!

 

[zenith]

OP you could have at least suggested that she get her hair cornrowed. Easy protective styling for someone her age.

 

[MizzBrown]

What did her father say about you agreeing to get her hair relaxed? No, what did her MOTHER say? He's a single dad but where is her mother?

Or he probably didnt care as he couldnt take care of it either way?

 

[mzteaze]

I think you are feeling guilty mainly because you accepted responsibility for something that you can't ultimately fulfill. I understand why you might have deferred to the stylist's suggestion of a relaxer, especially since its obvious the father and daughter are not keeping up for the basic maintenance.

Did the daughter want the relaxer? Was she happy with the end results? Did the father agree with her getting a relaxer?

 

[MsChelle]

possibly because of this:
"She suggested relaxing it to help with the tangling. I agreed......Now I am feeling guilty because I know that she is not going to take the proper care of her hair."
you should not have suggested this knowing she would not take care ofg her hair, either its braids, regular cuts or appoint someone else to do her hair.
Also at 11 its time she starts to learn to take care of her own hair...and her dad should learn to.
If it breaks of they will all blame you...( just saying)

What I forgot to state in my original post was the fact that her dad said that if they suggested "a perm" to have that done. I think my guilt is coming from the fact that I know she doesn't know how to properly care for it. I should have had him take her...... I am so scared she is going to end up with damaged hair now. I am soooo mad at myself.

 

[MsChelle]

I think you are feeling guilty mainly because you accepted responsibility for something that you can't ultimately fulfill. I understand why you might have deferred to the stylist's suggestion of a relaxer, especially since its obvious the father and daughter are not keeping up for the basic maintenance.

Did the daughter want the relaxer? Was she happy with the end results? Did the father agree with her getting a relaxer?

Dad said if they suggested it to have it done. She is totally pleased with her hair. She has texted me a ton of pictures of her hair. She is loving it now but my fear is that if its not maintained properly she is going to be really upset. Knowing me I will be at their home every other day taking care of it because I feel bad.

 

[MsChelle]

yeah OP, not to rub salt in, but you made a bad call on that one. her hair is going to break off something terrible now if you don't continue to help out.

I will help out! I don't want to see her hair go bye bye!

 

[BostonMaria]

MsChelle, I don't think relaxing her hair was the solution. Her hair is probably going to dry up and start breaking within the next few months.

I think you did all you could and you should probably let somebody else help them. The dad needs to take responsibility for their hair.

 

[MsChelle]

I think you have stressed the importance of detangling and keeping the hair in protectives styles (braids or twists). If the young lady can't even take care of her hair natural, how can she take care of her hair relaxed? I think you should help her learn to take care her hair on her own.

You are SO RIGHT!!! I have been teaching her how to moisturize and seal her hair. I am gonna have to step my game up with her. Thanks!

 

[MsChelle]

MsChelle, I don't think relaxing her hair was the solution. Her hair is probably going to dry up and start breaking within the next few months.

I think you did all you could and you should probably let somebody else help them. The dad needs to take responsibility for their hair.

I agree. I told her dad I need to talk to him about all of this today. I don't think he takes it that serious because to him it is "just hair" and right now it looks beautiful.

 

[Freespirit02]

I don't think her hair should of been permed at all. Her hair is thick and most likely will tangle even with a perm. Now she has do the whole protein x amount of days before perm day..blah blah blah. As a natural..I don't feel as restricted to follow a schedule..and for an eleven year to have that regimen is a big mistake (esp.since she has no one there to help her daily)

However, I started taking care of my hair at that age..and she needs to do the same.

 

[MizzBrown]

Well its up to you to put her on a reggie. You need to set aside some time on the weekend to get her some products and TEACH her how to do her hair. Just do a crash course. Make HER stand in the mirror and teach her how to detangle, use rollers, etc.

How to wrap it, oil it, moisturize it, how to do some simple daily styles for school..how to wash it, etc.

If you have to type it out on paper and give it to her as a manual..

 

[MsChelle]

What did her father say about you agreeing to get her hair relaxed? No, what did her MOTHER say? He's a single dad but where is her mother?

Or he probably didnt care as he couldnt take care of it either way?

Unfortunately, Mom hasn't seen the kids in years. She doesn't care one way or the other. Dad said to have it relaxed if that is what was suggested. He has no interest in hair at all.

 

[Freespirit02]

What did her father say about you agreeing to get her hair relaxed? No, what did her MOTHER say? He's a single dad but where is her mother?

Or he probably didnt care as he couldnt take care of it either way?

I don't know where that mother could possibly..because I don't know that family. But in my opinion, if the FATHER has custody..the momma must be off glass!

 

[Shananyganz]

Is it me or are those curls a little too grown for 11? Maybe that is another thread entirely.

I think guilt is an accurate assessment of feeling at this point. The little girl (and her father) didn't fair well taking care of her natural hair...what makes one think chemically treated hair will be a walk in the park?

Truth be told, you did your due diligence when suggesting a style that more than likely could be maintained by the child and the father. I understand feeling a certain tie to the family (I am assuming you all are close) but I believe this is the point I would have tapped out. I hate to see a child looking a rat mess, but with school, work, and your own life...what were you supposed to do? Your post made it seem as if you once had the time, but now you don't. With that said...a relaxer (without proper education for father and daughter) wasn't the answer IMHO...

~S~

ETA: Just read upthread and got a few things clarified...but I still feel some kinda way about those curls..LOL

All jokes aside...you just have to show her the way now and it looks as if you decided to do just that. Good luck and let us know how she fairs. I'm hoping for the best.

 

[BrownieBrie]

ETA: You already answered my question.

 

[MsChelle]

Well its up to you to put her on a reggie. You need to set aside some time on the weekend to get her some products and TEACH her how to do her hair. Just do a crash course. Make HER stand in the mirror and teach her how to detangle, use rollers, etc.

How to wrap it, oil it, moisturize it, how to do some simple daily styles for school..how to wash it, etc.

If you have to type it out on paper and give it to her as a manual..

That is the least I can do! I appreciate suggestion. She does really cute little ponytails that she likes. I taught her not to put the in the same place daily and not to hold the hair too tightly. Got her some cute hair accessories that won't damage her hair.

 

[Sequoia]

It's done now and, while it might not have been the best decision, she can still have a healthy head of hair. You might need to really stress that if she wants her hair to keep looking good, she'll need to make more effort to take care of it in between visits.

 

[MsChelle]

Wow. Did you think to call her dad to at least run it by him?

He said to go with the relaxer if that is what was suggested. I told him the pros and cons of relaxing before we left the house and he was okay with it. I would never make that decision without approval since she is not my child.

 

[brownelovely]

OP don't beat yourself down with guilt. Plenty of people still get relaxers and have healthy hair it's all in the care. She's 11 so she can understand how to start with the basics of taking care of her hair as far as basic everyday maintenance.

Start her off with a simple regimen and help with the more advanced parts until you feel comfortable that she's able to do more on her own. I'm curious and partly nosy, but are you the only woman in their life that's able to do hair? For instance, do they have aunts, grandmother, etc... so that the responsibility wouldn't be only on you?

 

[MizzBrown]

She relaxed it bone straight too....Dang, I guess its too much to teach her about transitioning.

 

[Love Always]

I definitely agree with this, she really needs to learn how to properly take care of her hair. She's at a age where she can do so.

Well its up to you to put her on a reggie. You need to set aside some time on the weekend to get her some products and TEACH her how to do her hair. Just do a crash course. Make HER stand in the mirror and teach her how to detangle, use rollers, etc.

How to wrap it, oil it, moisturize it, how to do some simple daily styles for school..how to wash it, etc.

If you have to type it out on paper and give it to her as a manual..