Why am I feeling guilty......

[MsChelle]

Is it me or are those curls a little too grown for 11? Maybe that is another thread entirely.

I think guilt is an accurate assessment of feeling at this point. The little girl (and her father) didn't fair well taking care of her natural hair...what makes one think chemically treated hair will be a walk in the park?

Truth be told, you did your due diligence when suggesting a style that more than likely could be maintained by the child and the father. I understand feeling a certain tie to the family (I am assuming you all are close) but I believe this is the point I would have tapped out. I hate to see a child looking a rat mess, but with school, work, and your own life...what were you supposed to do? Your post made it seem as if you once had the time, but now you don't. With that said...a relaxer (without proper education for father and daughter) wasn't the answer IMHO...

~S~

No, it is not just you! That is a grown woman hair style!!! I did not approve of the final look of the style but at that point I just wanted us to leave the salon since I was feeling guilty. She pulled it up in a loose ponytail and put some rollers on the ends the next day.

I appreciate your feed back. My schedule changed and then I had some things outside my control go on that caused me to miss my last two times doing her hair. And it ended up looking like the before photo. That photo is after it was detangled. It was so bad prior to detangling it looked several inches shorter. So with all the manipulation and then a chemical process I was just left feeling like I just consented to abusing her hair.

 

[MsChelle]

She relaxed it bone straight too....Dang, I guess its too much to teach her about transitioning.

It is still wavy when it is wet. Would that be bone straight? (that is a serious question, I am not trying to be funny) When wet before it had medium sized coils, now it is just kinda wavy when wet.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

From a practical standpoint, I think guilt is absolutely useless in this situation. In fact, it could actually be harmful if the little girl gets the impression from you that not only was her natural hair bad, but that her relaxed hair is worse. Squash the guilt. (And I say this as a natural head It is possible to have healthy relaxed hair. I've seen it here countless times.

So, please turn your attention to what has to be done to maintain the health of the little girl's hair. She's old enough to be interested in her appearance, and to help in maintaining it. The extra attention you (or a stylist) will give her may make her even more interested in caring for it herself.

Well its up to you to put her on a reggie. You need to set aside some time on the weekend to get her some products and TEACH her how to do her hair. Just do a crash course. Make HER stand in the mirror and teach her how to detangle, use rollers, etc.

How to wrap it, oil it, moisturize it, how to do some simple daily styles for school..how to wash it, etc.

If you have to type it out on paper and give it to her as a manual..

Excellent post.

 

[MizzBrown]

Thats what I hate about stylists. They dont care how old the patron is in the chair.

They just see a chance to play and be "artistic". Stylist saw all that long hair and got happy about styling it. Stylists like to show off.

 

[MsChelle]

OP don't beat yourself down with guilt. Plenty of people still get relaxers and have healthy hair it's all in the care. She's 11 so she can understand how to start with the basics of taking care of her hair as far as basic everyday maintenance.

Start her off with a simple regimen and help with the more advanced parts until you feel comfortable that she's able to do more on her own. I'm curious and partly nosy, but are you the only woman in their life that's able to do hair? For instance, do they have aunts, grandmother, etc... so that the responsibility wouldn't be only on you?

Thanks for the support! I am working with her on trying to teach her all about being a lady. She doesn't have any females that put any time into her at all. Her mom is nowhere to be found. Her grandmother is elderly and her aunts live out of state. Her dad and I have been friends for years and she just kind of took to me from the time she was teeny tiny and I am attached to her so I do what I can for her. I had healthy relaxed hair for most of my life so I know it is possible. I just think the decision to relax should have been left to her when she was old enough to make it on her own and take responsiblity for the upkeep. I did what her dad said knowing that I felt differently.

 

[Shananyganz]

No, it is not just you! That is a grown woman hair style!!! I did not approve of the final look of the style but at that point I just wanted us to leave the salon since I was feeling guilty. She pulled it up in a loose ponytail and put some rollers on the ends the next day.

I appreciate your feed back. My schedule changed and then I had some things outside my control go on that caused me to miss my last two times doing her hair. And it ended up looking like the before photo. That photo is after it was detangled. It was so bad prior to detangling it looked several inches shorter. So with all the manipulation and then a chemical process I was just left feeling like I just consented to abusing her hair.

@ the bolded... As you explained, you listed everything out for the father, who although not into all things hair...ultimately had the final say so. I wouldn't continue to go in on myself about it. Someone mentioned upthread that what is done is done and now comes the education to ensure she doesn't experience all the bad that could potentially happen. While not a choice some would have made, this isn't a death sentence. I'm sure you all will come up with something that works.

~S~

 

[MsChelle]

Thats what I hate about stylists. They dont care how old the patron is in the chair.

They just see a chance to play and be "artistic". Stylist saw all that long hair and got happy about styling it. Stylists like to show off.

I asked her did she realize the kid was eleven and she just laughed. I was too upset to ask her to change it. I just wanted to leave.

 

[MsChelle]

@ the bolded... As you explained, you listed everything out for the father, who although not into all things hair...ultimately had the final say so. I wouldn't continue to go in on myself about it. Someone mentioned upthread that what is done is done and now comes the education to ensure she doesn't experience all the bad that could potentially happen. While not a choice some would have made, this isn't a death sentence. I'm sure you all will come up with something that works.

~S~

Thank you! I am going to do all I can to help her maintain it and keep it healthy. I do feel guilty though. I need to get over it. I actually posted because I needed you all to confirm that I wasn't being ridiculous about how I am feeling. I have gotten great feedback and know what I need to do now. I will help her and teach her all I can. So if I post later crying and need help I know you all will be there! I love this board!

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I cannot believe some of these responses.

I don't think you need to feel guilty. There are grown women on here that can't take care of thier hair in its natural state - an 11 year old without the desire to is certainly doomed to make a mess of her hair. Not everyone that has a relaxer ends up with chewed up messed up hair. Even at 11 with that amount of hair given that its not your child there is no reason for you to feel guilty about getting a service done that the father requested.

Going forward the child NEEDS to understand that if she doesn't take care of her hair it will fall off and out period. You can make sure she has the basics at home for daily maintenance (try not to overwhelm her with the allegedly simple regies on here) and help her find a few age appropriate styles. Then dad needs to step up and make sure that she follows through. He wouldn't let her walk around and not shower so he needs to insist that she takes care of herself (in an age appropriate manner). Maybe she is refusing to do her hair cause she wants to spend time with you but let her know that you can take her to get her hair done once a month but she has to do the rest (she may need girl time). The hair can swing on special occassions but she needs to put it up.

For the record I've had perms since I was 13 and my problems only happened when I was older and tried to add color. Perms are not the enemy and not all children are bad candidates. Not everyone with a perm ends up with bad or unhealthy hair. My hair broke Goody combs...my mom got sick of dealing with it and I was done with the bi weekly detangling marathons.

 

[MsChelle]

From a practical standpoint, I think guilt is absolutely useless in this situation. In fact, it could actually be harmful if the little girl gets the impression from you that not only was her natural hair bad, but that her relaxed hair is worse. Squash the guilt. (And I say this as a natural head It is possible to have healthy relaxed hair. I've seen it here countless times.

So, please turn your attention to what has to be done to maintain the health of the little girl's hair. She's old enough to be interested in her appearance, and to help in maintaining it. The extra attention you (or a stylist) will give her may make her even more interested in caring for it herself.



Excellent post.

I tell her all the time her natural hair is gorgeus. I have some pics I was going to post but I need to block her face first. I tell her she is absolutely beautiful, "big hair and all". She always refers to her hair as big.

 

[baglady215]

Well she has a beautiful head of hair, and just because it's relaxed doesn't mean it's going to disappear. If it's wavy when it's wet, it's not bone straight, so that's good. Both natural and relaxed hair requires maintenance, just different kinds. It's great that she has a woman like you in her life so you can teach her what she needs to do.

I would say keep it simple for her as far as daily maintenance. Maybe you can come by and do her deep conditioning/protein every couple of weeks? Or teach her so she can do it herself. You said she is ecstatic about the results. She's more likely to want to do what it takes to keep it like that now.

Don't beat yourself up though. What's done is done, and it's definitely not the end of the world. Good luck!

 

[Qualitee]

She was better off natural.

 

[MsChelle]

At her age she would have been better off with braids. But what's done is done. I'd write down care instructions for her and tell her if she doesn't follow them exactly as written - she'll end up bald. I know that's harsh but you have to be forthright with children. She may or may not follow your instructions, but you'll have done your part. Eleven is young but it's not too young to learn about choices and consequences.

You are so right! She is old enough to start to learn a good, solid routine.

 

[MsChelle]

Well she has a beautiful head of hair, and just because it's relaxed doesn't mean it's going to disappear. If it's wavy when it's wet, it's not bone straight, so that's good. Both natural and relaxed hair requires maintenance, just different kinds. It's great that she has a woman like you in her life so you can teach her what she needs to do.

I would say keep it simple for her as far as daily maintenance. Maybe you can come by and do her deep conditioning/protein every couple of weeks? Or teach her so she can do it herself. You said she is ecstatic about the results. She's more likely to want to do what it takes to keep it like that now.

Don't beat yourself up though. What's done is done, and it's definitely not the end of the world. Good luck!

Thank you so much! I am going to do what I can to teach her how to care for it. I don't want to be another woman that lets her down.

 

[MsChelle]

She was better off natural.

No argument from me on that. Thanks for your honesty.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Don't beat yourself up MsChelle, what's done is done and thankfully you're willing to help her take care of her hair.

But at 11 years old, her little tail would have been in some box braids until she was able to take care of it herself How at 11 you're going to say you don't want braids and can't do your own hair. Chile please

 

[Qualitee]

No argument from me on that. Thanks for your honesty.

I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings,but I wish you all the best.

 

[MsChelle]

OP you could have at least suggested that she get her hair cornrowed. Easy protective styling for someone her age.

I did suggest braiding. Relaxing would never have been my choice or my suggestion.

 

[MsChelle]

I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings,but I wish you all the best.

No worries! I took it that you meant well.
Noone can say anything to me at this point that I haven't said to myself.

 

[NicWhite]

All is not lost. She can always transition back. You can still help them find a natural hair stylist.

 

[MsChelle]

Don't beat yourself up MsChelle, what's done is done and thankfully you're willing to help her take care of her hair.

But at 11 years old, her little tail would have been in some box braids until she was able to take care of it herself How at 11 you're going to say you don't want braids and can't do your own hair. Chile please

You are right! At eleven I wore my hair the way Mom said wear my hair.

 

[NicBenny]

I was a straight natural until I was 20... and then I relaxed my junior year in college. Before I started going to salons at 15, my grandmother would press my hair. At 11, I had no idea how to care for my hair, nor did I care to because I knew my grandmother was coming over to do my hair. All I knew was that my hair went from 8 braids of natural wavy curly hair to straight hair down my back. At that time, the only person that cared for my hair was my grandmother.

My point in telling that story is to say, that we can't really expect a 11 year old to properly care for her hair. I know some of you cared for your hair at young ages, but I question whether it was properly cared for. MsChelle, I think that she will definitely need your guidance and assistance. I don't think you should feel guilty, I just think you should continue to help her maintain her tresses.

You know the family better than we do, and the impression that I get is that neither the father nor the young girl will properly care for her hair, so continue to help her and show her ... and hope that she will take interest in maintaining her hair and apply what she learns from you!

Wishing for the best!

 

[MsChelle]

I don't know where that mother could possibly..because I don't know that family. But in my opinion, if the FATHER has custody..the momma must be off glass!

She got remarried, has "new kids" and gave her and her brother to their dad and hasn't looked back. It's a sad situation.

 

[BostonMaria]

Don't beat yourself up MsChelle, what's done is done and thankfully you're willing to help her take care of her hair.

But at 11 years old, her little tail would have been in some box braids until she was able to take care of it herself How at 11 you're going to say you don't want braids and can't do your own hair. Chile please

Not only that, but since when does an 11 year old have an OPINION?!! I wish my 12 year old DD would tell me what she wants so I can laugh

MsChelle, I know she's not your daughter so its different. I'd moonwalk my way out of this situation and let the dad deal with it. He needs to be asking family or figuring it out for himself. I know its not easy being a single dad.

She got remarried, has "new kids" and gave her and her brother to their dad and hasn't looked back. It's a sad situation.

Heartbreaking...

 

[MsChelle]

I cannot believe some of these responses.

I don't think you need to feel guilty. There are grown women on here that can't take care of thier hair in its natural state - an 11 year old without the desire to is certainly doomed to make a mess of her hair. Not everyone that has a relaxer ends up with chewed up messed up hair. Even at 11 with that amount of hair given that its not your child there is no reason for you to feel guilty about getting a service done that the father requested.

Going forward the child NEEDS to understand that if she doesn't take care of her hair it will fall off and out period. You can make sure she has the basics at home for daily maintenance (try not to overwhelm her with the allegedly simple regies on here) and help her find a few age appropriate styles. Then dad needs to step up and make sure that she follows through. He wouldn't let her walk around and not shower so he needs to insist that she takes care of herself (in an age appropriate manner). Maybe she is refusing to do her hair cause she wants to spend time with you but let her know that you can take her to get her hair done once a month but she has to do the rest (she may need girl time). The hair can swing on special occassions but she needs to put it up.

For the record I've had perms since I was 13 and my problems only happened when I was older and tried to add color. Perms are not the enemy and not all children are bad candidates. Not everyone with a perm ends up with bad or unhealthy hair. My hair broke Goody combs...my mom got sick of dealing with it and I was done with the bi weekly detangling marathons.

I truly appreciate your feedback! I am going to do what I can to help her maintain it. I will work with her on the upkeep. I already do girl's days with her so she isn't around her brother and dad at all times. We will just work a tad bit more "hair talk" into our days.

 

[Lady_q_tee]

Right her down a regimine and teach her how to maintain her hair... Show her styles such as cute buns ... Did you inform her dad before you relaxed her hair.. What are his thoughts

Sent from my GT-I9000 using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[NicBenny]

I truly appreciate your feedback! I am going to do what I can to help her maintain it. I will work with her on the upkeep. I already do girl's days with her so she isn't around her brother and dad at all times. We will just work a tad bit more "hair talk" into our days.

I applaud you for being a positive role model in her life!!!! I hope many blessings rain on you!! :littleang

 

[MsChelle]

Not only that, but since when does an 11 year old have an OPINION?!! I wish my 12 year old DD would tell me what she wants so I can laugh

MsChelle, I know she's not your daughter so its different. I'd moonwalk my way out of this situation and let the dad deal with it. He needs to be asking family or figuring it out for himself. I know its not easy being a single dad.

Heartbreaking...

One of my strengths and weaknesses is the fact that I take on too many of other people's problems. If I left the situation alone and didn't try to help and her hair fell out or whatever else I would feel guilty as sin. I know I need to work on that. I get too involved but I do love the little girl. I would like to think her dad would step up and learn something but too many years have taught me that is not going to happen.

 

[MsChelle]

I applaud you for being a positive role model in her life!!!! I hope many blessings rain on you!! :littleang

Thank you so much! I do what I do for her out of love and I don't expect anything in return. She is more of a blessing to me than I am to her and she doesn't even know it.

 

[CurlyNiquee]

Perming wasn't the best way to deal with the situation, but you can't cry over spilled milk. I agree with a few of the other posters---you are gonna need to stress the importance to her of taking care of her hair or she will be bald headed. Show her before and after photos of permed hair broken off because it was not taken care of---Scare Tactics, lol. At the end of the day you can only do so much, she has to get the seriousness of it and then decide to keep it up.