Why am I feeling guilty......

[DDTexlaxed]

How old is the person? There is a time where the person needs to step up and care for her hair. Since you cannot take care of it due to other obligations, I say let things fall where they may. You took on extra responsibility and since you are such a nice person, you did help them even though you didn't have to. I think you did all you could and even if she doesn't care for her hair the way she should, you went far beyond what the girl and her father did.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

Come on nooooowwww..... She's a kid you guys. Who at eleven years old knows everything there is to know about haircare? If that were the case, we wouldn't be on here trying to deprogram ourselves based on what a majority of us saw to be a "universal truth" while growing up. (Black women not being able to grow long hair, needing weaves/wigs/relaxers every 4-6 weeks, natural hair is unattractive/unkempt/ratty/hard to manage, etc.... insert myth here)

I don't know anyone at that age that was focused enough to do their own hair on a continual and consistent level basis. I know I wasn't. Shoot anyone around kids of that age knows that their attention spans are short lived at best.

I don't think I would have gone the relaxer route for someone so young even if her father wanted it (what did he know about hair anyway?), but what's done is done and can't be undone.

Kudos to you OP for sticking by and with her. For that, YOU are awesome.

 

[finickyone]

I can tell from your responses that you are a sweetie!

Don't feel bad. If she's loving her new style, then maybe she will be more inclined to take care of it. As some has mentioned, just help her with a simple regimen & educate her father too. She's still young & you have to follow up behind their behinds & as a single dad he really should have learned how to take care of his daughter's hair. My husband isn't great with my daughter's hair care, but he does wash & condition her hair. Every now & then he still attempts a loose pony puff or a crooked part in the middle style & my daughter's hair is pretty similar to the pics you posted. You stop feeling guilty & just encourage Dad to get more involved in his daughter's hair care.

 

[zenith]

Come on nooooowwww..... She's a kid you guys. Who at eleven years old knows everything there is to know about haircare? If that were the case, we wouldn't be on here trying to deprogram ourselves based on what a majority of us saw to be a "universal truth" while growing up. (Black women not being able to grow long hair, needing weaves/wigs/relaxers every 4-6 weeks, natural hair is unattractive/unkempt/ratty/hard to manage, etc.... insert myth here)

I don't know anyone at that age that was focused enough to do their own hair on a continual and consistent level basis. I know I wasn't. Shoot anyone around kids of that age knows that their attention spans are short lived at best.

I don't think I would have gone the relaxer route for someone so young even if her father wanted it (what did he know about hair anyway?), but what's done is done and can't be undone.

Kudos to you OP for sticking by and with her. For that, YOU are awesome.

THIS!!!!

Should an 11 year be learning about maths and science, or about about aphogee and sealing her ends with castor oil?

 

[Sheena]

I don't think relaxing it was the wrong decision. OP mentioned that the little girl refers to her natural hair as "big hair" and that she didn't detangle it - could it be that she felt overwhelmed when she looked in the mirror? Now that it is processed, it will be much easier for her to handle once you show her the basics. What you need to keep an eye on is what happens when the new growth steps in çause she might just smooth over the top and never comb the middle which will lead to breakage. Once she has you to help her wash and ensure her hair is properly detangled at least once a week she'll be fine and so will her hair.

 

[Duchesse]

I have nothing different to add to whats been said about her hair, but you're such a wonderful person for taking the time out for your friends daughter...I can tell it extends beyond beauty techniques. She's lucky relaxed or natural. Honestly, even if her hair breaks off (not trying to be mean or sarcastic) don't feel guilty about it...she'll forgive you...

 

[topnotch1010]

I don't know anyone at that age that was focused enough to do their own hair on a continual and consistent level basis.

Should an 11 year be learning about maths and science, or about about aphogee and sealing her ends with castor oil?

Contrary to popular belief, it really doesn't take that much to care for relaxed hair. It's easy to maintain with minimal product and styling techniques. A little conditioner water, olive oil, and a wide toothed comb have gotten me (and quite a few others on this board) a loooong way. Plus, no painful 2-3 hour detangling sessions needed.

 

[Curlybeauty]

Contrary to popular belief, it really doesn't take that much to care for relaxed hair. It's easy to maintain with minimal product and styling techniques. A little conditioner water, olive oil, and a wide toothed comb have gotten me (and quite a few others on this board) a loooong way. Plus, no painful 2-3 hour detangling sessions needed.

Thank you for this.

People like to attribute their own failures with relaxers on others....

 

[MsChelle]

I have nothing different to add to whats been said about her hair, but you're such a wonderful person for taking the time out for your friends daughter...I can tell it extends beyond beauty techniques. She's lucky relaxed or natural. Honestly, even if her hair breaks off (not trying to be mean or sarcastic) don't feel guilty about it...she'll forgive you...

Wow, thank you for saying that!

 

[MsChelle]

Thank you for this.

People like to attribute their own failures with relaxers on others....

I agree with this as well. I successfully wore relaxed hair for most of my life and only in the last few years decided to transition.

 

[MsChelle]

I don't think relaxing it was the wrong decision. OP mentioned that the little girl refers to her natural hair as "big hair" and that she didn't detangle it - could it be that she felt overwhelmed when she looked in the mirror? Now that it is processed, it will be much easier for her to handle once you show her the basics. What you need to keep an eye on is what happens when the new growth steps in çause she might just smooth over the top and never comb the middle which will lead to breakage. Once she has you to help her wash and ensure her hair is properly detangled at least once a week she'll be fine and so will her hair.

She definitely gets overwhelmed when dealing with her hair. To be honest I would be overwhelmed if I had the amount she does. She doesn't dislike her natural texture at all she just can't handle it. Thanks for the advice about about the detangling and keeping the middle combed out. I will stay on top of that and make sure she does as well.

 

[MsChelle]

What you done was a nice thing but it is not your responsibility it’s their mothers, if the daughter cant value your advice then she doesn't value your service, their dad should just take them to a stylist and pay to keep it maintained. I'm sure your time could be better spent elsewhere!

He can take them to get their hair done. She didn't want that option because she likes to have me do things with her and for her which I know is just her wanting a connection to a woman. So, we will continue to do things together and I will definitely stay on top of the hair situation to ensure it is being cared for properly.

 

[MsChelle]

How old is the person? There is a time where the person needs to step up and care for her hair. Since you cannot take care of it due to other obligations, I say let things fall where they may. You took on extra responsibility and since you are such a nice person, you did help them even though you didn't have to. I think you did all you could and even if she doesn't care for her hair the way she should, you went far beyond what the girl and her father did.

She is eleven and a baby-ish eleven at that. I will continue to work with her to get her up to speed for her age on hair care. Dad.....well, I am not gonna hold my breath on teaching him. He has no desire to learn about hair care. He is a battle for another day.

 

[Duff]

OP, I just came in to say that you have a wonderful attitude and disposition which shows in this thread and by helping this young one!!!!

 

[LovelyPiratess]

Contrary to popular belief, it really doesn't take that much to care for relaxed hair. It's easy to maintain with minimal product and styling techniques. A little conditioner water, olive oil, and a wide toothed comb have gotten me (and quite a few others on this board) a loooong way. Plus, no painful 2-3 hour detangling sessions needed.

I don't understand why people are automatically associating relaxer=dry, breaking off hair. If you properly take care of it, you can have healthy relaxed hair.

 

[NYAmicas]

I don't understand why people are automatically associating relaxer=dry, breaking off hair. If you properly take care of it, you can have healthy relaxed hair.

it's quite an unpopular opinion but there are women on here who maintain beautiful & long relaxed tresses.

 

[Priss Pot]

OP, I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. It's not like you suggested a relaxer right from the beginning. You DID try to help them out and teach her about her hair. It's not your fault that they didn't care enough to follow through with proper instruction. That's on them. You can only help people who want to be helped.

Most of us here on LHCF have experienced people who ask us for hair advice, only to dismiss it and become unappreciative once we give it to them. The OP's situation is the same thing.

If the girl isn't going to take care of her hair, then it'll break off whether it be relaxed or natural. The child is not your official responsibility, and since she didn't take heed to the natural way of doing things, then it's not your fault that the stylist suggested a relaxer.

Folks in here acting like you birthed the girl yourself.

 

[WAVES4DAYS]

Kudos to you OP!
It takes a village!

 

[itsjusthair88]

I don't understand why people are automatically associating relaxer=dry, breaking off hair. If you properly take care of it, you can have healthy relaxed hair.

ETA: relaxed hair CAN be maintained and if OP is willing to help her out (like her mother should be...sorry I had to say that) then she can do it. I had relaxed hair as a teen and my mother made sure it was kept up and actually restricted heat from me! (I didn't have my own flat iron until I was damn 17 years old) I cut my own hair because I wanted to be natural, I wanted to stop using chemicals and I've always had a bunch of hair...I'm just saying, you shouldn't feel that guilty because you are doing waaaay more than most people would do. Just help her along the best way you know how and get some tips from relaxed ladies (or even better, women with pre-teens/teens with relaxed hair) on here about a simple regimen she can adopt and learn over time so that eventually she will be able to deal with it herself.

I actually applaud you for stepping up like this and taking time to be in this young woman's life...she will be better for it, and whew! Some of these harsh replies...I'm afraid to post on here sometimes

 

[demlew]

MsChelle, I understand why you feel guilty - you feel like you set her up for failure. I'm 50/50 on this because I feel like you improved her self-esteem, but who knows the outcome 8-10 weeks from now? We're all beautiful -relaxed, natural, and everything in between but part of that comes from having HEALTHY hair, not just a cute style. You said she loves her hair right now, so maybe it'd be a good idea to take pictures of it so she'll have a constant reminder of what she'll lose without proper care. I don't know her maturity level, so I don't mean to make it sound so doomsday lol. I don't know your schedule either, but maybe if you have time you could take her for a "girls' night in" where she camps out with you and you go over "healthy hair" techniques. Like the other ladies said, write down a simple regimen (and a shopping list/regimen for Daddy) and get some of daddy's money so that you can buy the right products for her. Make a big gift basket/presentation of it. Like a rites of passage. Maybe that's too much depending on how close she is too you...IDK. You could also have her ask you questions (assuming she'd even know what to ask) and you two could review this board together. Good luck to you both!

 

[MsChelle]

OP, I just came in to say that you have a wonderful attitude and disposition which shows in this thread and by helping this young one!!!!

Thank you! I try to remain a positive force in her life.

 

[MsChelle]

MsChelle, I understand why you feel guilty - you feel like you set her up for failure. I'm 50/50 on this because I feel like you improved her self-esteem, but who knows the outcome 8-10 weeks from now? We're all beautiful -relaxed, natural, and everything in between but part of that comes from having HEALTHY hair, not just a cute style. You said she loves her hair right now, so maybe it'd be a good idea to take pictures of it so she'll have a constant reminder of what she'll lose without proper care. I don't know her maturity level, so I don't mean to make it sound so doomsday lol. I don't know your schedule either, but maybe if you have time you could take her for a "girls' night in" where she camps out with you and you go over "healthy hair" techniques. Like the other ladies said, write down a simple regimen (and a shopping list/regimen for Daddy) and get some of daddy's money so that you can buy the right products for her. Make a big gift basket/presentation of it. Like a rites of passage. Maybe that's too much depending on how close she is too you...IDK. You could also have her ask you questions (assuming she'd even know what to ask) and you two could review this board together. Good luck to you both!

She is not a very mature eleven but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that she has dealt with some abandonment issues. I will most definitely write down a simple regimine for her as well as do the girl's nights with her. I have to believe that it is all going to be okay. Thanks for your input. Everyone has been really helpful with the comments and it is appreciated.

 

[MsChelle]

ETA: relaxed hair CAN be maintained and if OP is willing to help her out (like her mother should be...sorry I had to say that) then she can do it. I had relaxed hair as a teen and my mother made sure it was kept up and actually restricted heat from me! (I didn't have my own flat iron until I was damn 17 years old) I cut my own hair because I wanted to be natural, I wanted to stop using chemicals and I've always had a bunch of hair...I'm just saying, you shouldn't feel that guilty because you are doing waaaay more than most people would do. Just help her along the best way you know how and get some tips from relaxed ladies (or even better, women with pre-teens/teens with relaxed hair) on here about a simple regimen she can adopt and learn over time so that eventually she will be able to deal with it herself.

I actually applaud you for stepping up like this and taking time to be in this young woman's life...she will be better for it, and whew! Some of these harsh replies...I'm afraid to post on here sometimes

Thank your for your encouragement! I expected some harsh replies when I posted but I take all of the comments as they can and just tell myself they are coming from a place of help. I come here to learn from everyone. I was so on the fence about being involved in what was a big deal to me. I wanted to get feedback from both side of the issue and I did. So I am grateful for that.

 

[NikStarrr]

I think it's great that you have been so helpful, OP. Since you did suggest she get a relaxer--I think it's only fair that you make a commitment to teaching her how to care for it.

 

[MsChelle]

Kudos to you OP!
It takes a village!

It does take a village and I will always do my part and then some.
Kids of my own was not what God had for me so I love the ones that come into my life as my own.

 

[MsChelle]

I think it's great that you have been so helpful, OP. Since you did suggest she get a relaxer--I think it's only fair that you make a commitment to teaching her how to care for it.

I will make sure I am there for her and teach her everything I know and learn more if I need to. I am not going anywhere.

 

[MsChelle]

OP, I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. It's not like you suggested a relaxer right from the beginning. You DID try to help them out and teach her about her hair. It's not your fault that they didn't care enough to follow through with proper instruction. That's on them. You can only help people who want to be helped.

Most of us here on LHCF have experienced people who ask us for hair advice, only to dismiss it and become unappreciative once we give it to them. The OP's situation is the same thing.

If the girl isn't going to take care of her hair, then it'll break off whether it be relaxed or natural. The child is not your official responsibility, and since she didn't take heed to the natural way of doing things, then it's not your fault that the stylist suggested a relaxer.

Folks in here acting like you birthed the girl yourself.

Thanks! Funny thing is I am more experienced in caring for relaxed hair than natural hair. I just felt on the fence about taking her for the relaxer because it is such a permanent solution. If she wants to go back to her original state it will be a LONG time coming. She said she understood that but I just had to wonder.....did she really? Dad is the one who gave the okay on the relaxer not me.

 

[MsChelle]

it's quite an unpopular opinion but there are women on here who maintain beautiful & long relaxed tresses.

From some of the heads I have seen on this board I totally agree with you. I have seen the best of the relaxed and naturals on here. That is why I come here for feedback. Thanks!

 

[Myjourney2009]

Like another poster stated you have to move past the guilt.

Explain to the little girl that if her hair is not maintained EVERYDAY it will break and will look like (insert girl who has ratty hair)

You know her maturity level to decide what to start telling her.

I know my DD is still very immature when it comes to consistant body maintenance so a relaxer is out of the question. She is 12 YO and I have been teaching her about hair since 8 and she still slacks.

Her father is going to have to step up to the plate if he does not want his DD looking a mess as well.

 

[Morenita]

Nothing against you, you're not their mother, but I'm sad that a head of hair that beautiful was just submitted to a relaxer. It's this mentality that our hair needs to be tamed that has our young girls all messed up. Growing up, I never knew any better and I wish I had some natural heads around me who could have shown me that there was another way. Part of why I went natural was because I wanted to be an example to my daughters.