Why am I feeling guilty......

Lady_q_tee said:
Right her down a regimine and teach her how to maintain her hair... Show her styles such as cute buns ... Did you inform her dad before you relaxed her hair.. What are his thoughts

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He said before we left the house to have it relaxed if it was suggested. So, I did even though it was not a choice I would have made. I tried to educate him on relaxers and the upkeep after the fact. So he was informed.
 
MsChelle said:
Dad said if they suggested it to have it done. She is totally pleased with her hair. She has texted me a ton of pictures of her hair. She is loving it now but my fear is that if its not maintained properly she is going to be really upset. Knowing me I will be at their home every other day taking care of it because I feel bad.
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This is the point. It's really not for you to push your feelings about natural hair and or pre-teen relaxed heads. The father was willing to go with what the stylist suggested regardless of your personal feelings or misgivings about the matter. Eventally the daughter will have to make the decision for herself. Being natural isn't for everybody just like being relaxed isn't for everybody.

I would however, encourage the father to find, locate and keep up with regular hair maintenance with a professional until his daughter is able to make those decisions on her own.

Don't take on more responsibility than you can realistically handle.
 
I kow people are saying that she should learn how to do her own head but its easier said than done an dall the kids I know who "do their own hair" aint barely got none. I'm trying to teach my 10 year old how to do a basic ponytail but she is clueless. she has a massive amount of hair as well.
 
NicBenny said:
I was a straight natural until I was 20... and then I relaxed my junior year in college. Before I started going to salons at 15, my grandmother would press my hair. At 11, I had no idea how to care for my hair, nor did I care to because I knew my grandmother was coming over to do my hair. All I knew was that my hair went from 8 braids of natural wavy curly hair to straight hair down my back. At that time, the only person that cared for my hair was my grandmother.

My point in telling that story is to say, that we can't really expect a 11 year old to properly care for her hair. I know some of you cared for your hair at young ages, but I question whether it was properly cared for. MsChelle, I think that she will definitely need your guidance and assistance. I don't think you should feel guilty, I just think you should continue to help her maintain her tresses.

You know the family better than we do, and the impression that I get is that neither the father nor the young girl will properly care for her hair, so continue to help her and show her ... and hope that she will take interest in maintaining her hair and apply what she learns from you!

Wishing for the best!
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I will be in her life indefinitely. She will have all the guidance I can give her. She has an interest in her hair. She is a girly girl and I told her that the work to maintain it is just beginning. I hope she understands that I meant that. If hair care instructions were on a PS3 game her dad would be able to teach us all a thing or two! But since they are not, I will do my best with her!
 
No comment on the OP, as I see you've already gotten great advice :yep:

I just wanted to tell you that you're such a great friend to that little girl and her father! That's so nice!
 
NaturalDetroit said:
I know people are saying that she should learn how to do her own head but its easier said than done and all the kids I know who "do their own hair" aint barely got none. I'm trying to teach my 10 year old how to do a basic ponytail but she is clueless. she has a massive amount of hair as well.
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This. My hair was a dry, crunchy mess at 10 when I was put in charge of it.
 
I hate how men know that hair is so imporant. They would be the first person to make fun of a woman with "jacked up" hair

But yet they could care two hoots about putting in the time to make sure their daughter has healty hair that is properly cared for. He should help her to learn a regimen just as he would make sure she brushes her teeth, etc.
 
OP, I don't think you should feel guilty at ALL. Perhaps I am being to hard on the child...but at age 11 she didn't know how to comb her own hair? What? When I was 11 I was on swim team, so I had to learn how to wash, condition, blow dry, comb my hair because in the summer I was in the pool everyday and my mom wasn't going to do my hair...my mom only did my hair when I was lazy and she only relaxed it because it was too much work and I didn't want to do it...but I knew how (I had them at age 5 so when you watch someone do your hair every 8 weeks like clockwork for 6 years you kinda figure it out). And when I was a child I certainly had hair. I put my hair in ponytails, buns, plaits, fishtail braids, curled my hair, etc. The only time my mom styled my hair was when she tried roller setting it, and that didn't even work because I sat under the dryer for like four hours and it still wasn't dry, and then it was huge, lol.

I didn't have a desire for super long hair but it was probably APL. Heck I even dyed my hair with Kool Aid when I was 11 and dyed my hair with semi-perm dye when I was like 12.

Yes, I understand the above is not the norm, but I do believe that children need to learn to be autonomous, especially with something as necessary as self grooming.

Relaxing her hair was not the solution, but I really think she should have been caring for her hair on her own...and then she didn't want to learn how to do her hair but wouldn't get braids? Chile, bye...
 
NaturalDetroit said:
But more importantly thanks for the spelling corrections :lol: Girl i type as if I have dyslexia like Theo off the Cosby Show:nono: that was a sad episode, poor theo :sad:
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:lol: no prob. I just realized that I favorited your video about black women and their standards on yt the other day.
 
this is TERRIBLE.

* Terrible that was once a beautiful head of hair has been altered at such a young age (before full on puberty)

* Terrible that this was the only option offered - braids or relaxer

OP I wish you had told the father upfront that you were NOT available so that he could have found other means to care for his child. They trusted you.

Sometimes we have to know when to say "I can't help"

You should also now tell the father your concerns regarding this new stylists and help him locate another stylist in the area that focuses on healthy hair (that is skilled in HC for both natural and relaxed) There are many stylists who specialize - but it may take some searching.
 
EllePixie said:
I didn't have a desire for super long hair but it was probably APL. Heck I even dyed my hair with Kool Aid when I was 11 and dyed my hair with semi-perm dye when I was like 12.
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:lol::lol::lol: I did the same thing when I was 11... Tropical punch... and it then it rained and ran down my shirt :lol::lol::lol:
 
Wow. I think relaxing it would have made it worse, don't you? Relaxing the hair takes away a lot of the oils and protein of the hair strand making it weak, thus why people do some protein treatments after relaxing. Chemicals break down the bonds of the hair. Depositing chemicals onto that little girl's head after you already said she wouldn't take care of it is really bad, IMO. Natural was her best bet. Now if you dont take care of your relaxed hair, wooh. I think that's worse. It'll come breakin' off since it's already in a weakened state and she's not doing all the necessary moisture and protein balances.

I think your guiltiness may be a bit misplaced. Nonetheless, don't take it too harsh on yourself. You didn't seal this girl's fate, not in my opinion. Everything you say shouldn't go. The father should get himself educated on the hair of his daughter and son and not just say "okay whatever you suggest" to his friends who have something to say about his own kids hair. He has to take care of his kids, and that includes their hair :/
 
Stylists will suggest a relaxer 99.99% of the time. Maybe the father should have been made aware of that fact. I would have taken her to get her hair pressed and shown her how to do twist outs or braid outs. But again, it's too late now. I don't think her hair should be your responsibility to begin with, but you can show her some information and where to go (other hair boards) if she needs more help and you are not around.
 
I don't get why dad doesn't know how to do her hair. With the internet, there's no excuse. OP, it's really not your responsibility. Dad has hands. Write him a reggie, show him once or twice and send him on his way. I hate that men will seek out anything with a who-ha and fingers to do their DD's hair. Learn to do it yourself. Being male doesn't make them incapable.
 
GaiasDaughter24 said:
I don't get why dad doesn't know how to do her hair. With the internet, there's no excuse. OP, it's really not your responsibility. Dad has hands. Write him a reggie, show him once or twice and send him on his way. I hate that men will seek out anything with a who-ha and fingers to do their DD's hair. Learn to do it yourself. Being male doesn't make them incapable.
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ITA.

OP, you're a really good hearted person to take on a head of hair like hers when it's not your own child along with your other responsibilities in life. :yep:

I also feel that her hair was nicer natural, but don't worry about what's done now, she has a lot of time still to learn how to style it and keep it healthy.
 
Shananyganz said:
Is it me or are those curls a little too grown for 11? Maybe that is another thread entirely.

I think guilt is an accurate assessment of feeling at this point. The little girl (and her father) didn't fair well taking care of her natural hair...what makes one think chemically treated hair will be a walk in the park?

Truth be told, you did your due diligence when suggesting a style that more than likely could be maintained by the child and the father. I understand feeling a certain tie to the family (I am assuming you all are close) but I believe this is the point I would have tapped out. I hate to see a child looking a rat mess, but with school, work, and your own life...what were you supposed to do? Your post made it seem as if you once had the time, but now you don't. With that said...a relaxer (without proper education for father and daughter) wasn't the answer IMHO...

~S~

ETA: Just read upthread and got a few things clarified...but I still feel some kinda way about those curls..LOL

All jokes aside...you just have to show her the way now and it looks as if you decided to do just that. Good luck and let us know how she fairs. I'm hoping for the best.
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No, it's not just you, it was the first thing I thought. Way too grown for an 11 year old, IMHO....


OP, Can he send her to your friend stylist on the weeks that you are too busy? Maybe she should just go to her for weekly visits until she is able to care for her own hair and take yourself out of the loop?
 
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Wow, I wished you had chosen a less permanent way to deal with it. I mean, her hair could have been straightened to achieve the same results; and if combined with the education that you don't do it too often, ect. They could've built up to a permantent solution like a relaxer, while knowing that you have another chance if it is not really working out. Right now if it doesn't work out, her only option is to transition back to natural or cut it off. Such gorgeous hair (tears)!

It seems from your post that you really do not have time to help her care for it properly now, I know your guilt probably has you making all kind of promises to make sure she takes care of it properly, but I doubt not your intentions but your ability to actually carry that out.

Oh well!! Que Cera, cera
 
qchelle said:
No comment on the OP, as I see you've already gotten great advice :yep:

I just wanted to tell you that you're such a great friend to that little girl and her father! That's so nice!
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Thank you! I know she needs someone and I have no problem being there. I love that kid!
 
onemoretry said:
No, it's not just you, it was the first thing I thought. Way too grown for an 11 year old, IMHO....


OP, Can he send her to your friend stylist on the weeks that you are too busy? Maybe she should just go to her for weekly visits until she is able to care for her own hair and take yourself out of the loop?
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I pretty much am the only woman in her life on a consistent basis that helps with her. My schedule is okay for me to help her take care of it. If not I will make the time. I feel responsible for it now. Wouldn't feel right to walk away so I will teach her until she can handle it on her own.
 
MsChelle said:
I pretty much am the only woman in her life on a consistent basis that helps with her. My schedule is okay for me to help her take care of it. If not I will make the time. I feel responsible for it now. Wouldn't feel right to walk away so I will teach her until she can handle it on her own.
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That is very sweet on your part. You will be truly blessed for it....
 
What you done was a nice thing but it is not your responsibility it’s their mothers, if the daughter cant value your advice then she doesn't value your service, their dad should just take them to a stylist and pay to keep it maintained. I'm sure your time could be better spent elsewhere! :)
 
I don't think that was such a terrible decision as the majority of posters have suggested. Caring for natural hair, especially when it's not your or your childs hair, is easier said than done.

Relaxed hair can be just as healthy and less work. Usually the problem comes in where there have been multiple chemical services or the hair is allowed to become too dry.

Teach her a proper regimen and she should be fine.


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