dplyrooted
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The wife is the most important.
Who should be first in a man's life, Mother or Wife?
- Thread starter LatterGlory
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LatterGlory
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LatterGlory
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Nice & Wavy
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GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I
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I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand your first sentence except the part about not allowing himself to be steamrolled. I agree with that. But I also previously asked if the mother were capable of taking care of herself and if she had a living spouse. I'd find that situation different. If she can't take care of herself, I'd have her in my home to take care of her.
What I do not comprehend is if you're saying that he should be abused by his mother? Overcoming evil with good...okay...but how exactly? I think they were asking pragmatically how to fix the situation. I think we all agree that it's not ideal and that good can overcome evil.
The mere stress of the situation is wreaking havoc on the wife...while he's praying over it. If he's harsh with his mother in any way, that's not honoring her (even biblical rebukes). If he's a pushover, he's dishonoring his wife. I'd move lol. I've seen plenty of this kind of thing in the community, btw. It ain't pretty in the least. I feel sorry for the women.
Little boy never quite left home.
Mis007
New Member
I voted wife but you have touched on an important issue nicola.Kirwan, as there are now more and more couples looking after aged parents (this goes for both parties).
GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I
New Member
I keep waiting on the suggestions for a pragmatic approach to overcoming evil with good when one has such a MIL. Sit her down and talk it through? Just allow it? I think it's determined that this hypothetical MIL is capable of taking care of herself. So, what is a justified need that would require her son's attention over that of his wife given that scenario?
I had this problem. It is not for the dil to discuss. It is for the husband to explain to his mother that he will always love and respect her but his new family even if it only consists of his wife and himself is his top priority. His wife is the first woman in his life and she must accept that or risk placing stress on their relationship.
Laela
Sidestepping the "lynch mob"
Morning GV,
I'm with you on this... If the MIL has no justification for wanting her son to move to another state other than she doesn't want him to or that she's his mother and he should be close by -- he needs to talk to his Mommy
Loving someone doesn't mean we have to agree with them or always give them what they want; it's quite the opposite, IMHO, if we grudgingly comply with people's selfish needs, just to placate them. Doing that will harbor resentment.
I'm with you on this... If the MIL has no justification for wanting her son to move to another state other than she doesn't want him to or that she's his mother and he should be close by -- he needs to talk to his Mommy
Loving someone doesn't mean we have to agree with them or always give them what they want; it's quite the opposite, IMHO, if we grudgingly comply with people's selfish needs, just to placate them. Doing that will harbor resentment.
Nice & Wavy
Well-Known Member
OT:
WHAT IN DA world..???
Nice&Wavy.. I almost fell outta my chair this morning when I saw your new Siggy!
..she is the newest member of LHCF and she is "all natral"
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
I don't know why I tend to be sympathetic toward the mothers, but in thinking about it more I feel like a lot of these problematic situations reflect possessiveness/selfishness on the part of the wife just as much as the mother.
I wonder if more wives loved their MILs like Ruth loved Naomi if some of these issues would resolve themselves. You wouldn't have a husband caught in between two women vying for his affections, but rather a man arm and arm with his wife, and the both of them discerning how best to meet his mother's needs and being willing to sacrifice in order to do that.
Of course, the wife is "rightfully" the priority. But a lot of times, especially given our mandate as Christians, our rightness isn't the important thing, but love.
I wonder if more wives loved their MILs like Ruth loved Naomi if some of these issues would resolve themselves. You wouldn't have a husband caught in between two women vying for his affections, but rather a man arm and arm with his wife, and the both of them discerning how best to meet his mother's needs and being willing to sacrifice in order to do that.
Of course, the wife is "rightfully" the priority. But a lot of times, especially given our mandate as Christians, our rightness isn't the important thing, but love.
Laela
Sidestepping the "lynch mob"
In-Law Trouble & the Bible
Marriage is the closest, and should be the happiest relationship we know in this life. As Jesus says in. Matthew 19:9, and elsewhere, it is also a relationship that should never be broken except for the extreme disloyalty of fornication. Yet in spite of the closeness of the marriage tie, about one out of every three marriages in our country break up, and a very frequent cause of divorce is the interference of parents or other close relatives interference of which the parents themselves are often unconscious.
The reason for this is easy to understand. Family relationships developed over many years ideally are very close and very enduring. Parents by nature love their children. They guide, teach, discipline them, and help form their sense of values, their way of thinking and acting. In a sense, they come to idealize their own children in comparison with those from other homes, who may not have the same sense of values and may not think and act in exactly the same way.
Children also by nature love and admire their parents. Over the years, they begin to think and act much as they do, and to have the same sense of values. But when two young people marry, they bring into the new home the cultures from two different families, whose sense of values and ways of thinking and acting may be quite different. In such case, it is easy for the parents of the groom to feel that his bride does not quite meet the standards they had expected in a wife for their son. It is just as easy for the parents of the bride to feel that the young man is not all they had wanted in a husband for their daughter.
Furthermore, the young couple who are establishing a new home feel that they have a right to manage it in their own way. But since they come from different family backgrounds, if they are sensitive it is easy for the young wife to feel that her husband's parents interfere with them too much, and for the husband to feel the same way about his wife's parents.
Ann Landers has said that "80 per cent of the letters I receive pertaining to in-law problems are complaints against the mother-in-law. And 80 per cent of the mother-in-law beefs are against the husband's mother - not the wife's". Evidently the complaints Mrs. Landers receives are from the young wives, who seem to be more sensitive then their husbands about parental interference. They also identify the husband's mother as the chief trouble maker. Whether such complaints are actually justified or not, they at least breed resentment in the young wives and may start dissension's between them and their husbands.
What then is the solution for this conflict of relationships - a conflict which arises from the natural affection of parents for their children and of children for their parents? Jesus himself suggests the solution when, in Matthew 19:4-6, he quotes God's intention when he established the institution of marriage and the home. "Have you not read," he said, "that he who made them in the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9.
God's statement places the primary responsibility on the young couple to see that their love and their commitments to each other are always above the commitment to their parents, no matter how deep the family ties may have been. - The term "leave" father and mother, however, does not mean a complete break or abandonment. Instead, Jesus in Mark 7:10-13 states plainly that children are to honor their parents and, when necessary, even support them financially. The establishment of a new home does not release them from this obligation. But the term does mean that the intimate relations which have formerly existed between parents and children must and should change when the children marry.
This change places new obligations on both the parents and the children. Naturally, the young couple want to be independent and manage their own home. But they need also to recognize that their parents have a deep interest in them and want to help them to be happy. They might also remember that these parents have had many more years of experience than they have had and might be of help in solving some of their problems. What they may at times consider as criticism or interference in their affairs, they might consider as a perhaps unwise desire of their parents to help them. If there is a difference in point of view, they might be patient and try with love and kindness to win their parents to their view; or, surprisingly, they might see their parents' view the wiser.
On the other hand, though parents still have a deep love for their children and want to help them, they should realize that the young couple now have a right to be independent and to work out their own problems. Even though they think the youngsters are making mistakes in managing their home, their children, or their finances, they should be extremely tactful and kind in making suggestions or in giving unasked advice. They should not expect them to do everything exactly as they themselves would do. They should by all means not impose their own views on their children. (I Corinthians 13 (not insist own way). The relationship between parents and the new home should no longer be one of expected obedience, but of warm cooperation, in which each respect the independence and ideas of the other. There cannot be the same closeness of association, the same amount of attention parents have formerly enjoyed, for their children now have other responsibilities which must claim their time and attention.
But if both parents and children are Christians, and try to exercise the love and compassion, the kindness and understanding which Jesus always showed for others, there should be no in-law trouble, but both the new and the parental homes will have a mutually happy relationship.
Marriage is the closest, and should be the happiest relationship we know in this life. As Jesus says in. Matthew 19:9, and elsewhere, it is also a relationship that should never be broken except for the extreme disloyalty of fornication. Yet in spite of the closeness of the marriage tie, about one out of every three marriages in our country break up, and a very frequent cause of divorce is the interference of parents or other close relatives interference of which the parents themselves are often unconscious.
The reason for this is easy to understand. Family relationships developed over many years ideally are very close and very enduring. Parents by nature love their children. They guide, teach, discipline them, and help form their sense of values, their way of thinking and acting. In a sense, they come to idealize their own children in comparison with those from other homes, who may not have the same sense of values and may not think and act in exactly the same way.
Children also by nature love and admire their parents. Over the years, they begin to think and act much as they do, and to have the same sense of values. But when two young people marry, they bring into the new home the cultures from two different families, whose sense of values and ways of thinking and acting may be quite different. In such case, it is easy for the parents of the groom to feel that his bride does not quite meet the standards they had expected in a wife for their son. It is just as easy for the parents of the bride to feel that the young man is not all they had wanted in a husband for their daughter.
Furthermore, the young couple who are establishing a new home feel that they have a right to manage it in their own way. But since they come from different family backgrounds, if they are sensitive it is easy for the young wife to feel that her husband's parents interfere with them too much, and for the husband to feel the same way about his wife's parents.
Ann Landers has said that "80 per cent of the letters I receive pertaining to in-law problems are complaints against the mother-in-law. And 80 per cent of the mother-in-law beefs are against the husband's mother - not the wife's". Evidently the complaints Mrs. Landers receives are from the young wives, who seem to be more sensitive then their husbands about parental interference. They also identify the husband's mother as the chief trouble maker. Whether such complaints are actually justified or not, they at least breed resentment in the young wives and may start dissension's between them and their husbands.
What then is the solution for this conflict of relationships - a conflict which arises from the natural affection of parents for their children and of children for their parents? Jesus himself suggests the solution when, in Matthew 19:4-6, he quotes God's intention when he established the institution of marriage and the home. "Have you not read," he said, "that he who made them in the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9.
God's statement places the primary responsibility on the young couple to see that their love and their commitments to each other are always above the commitment to their parents, no matter how deep the family ties may have been. - The term "leave" father and mother, however, does not mean a complete break or abandonment. Instead, Jesus in Mark 7:10-13 states plainly that children are to honor their parents and, when necessary, even support them financially. The establishment of a new home does not release them from this obligation. But the term does mean that the intimate relations which have formerly existed between parents and children must and should change when the children marry.
This change places new obligations on both the parents and the children. Naturally, the young couple want to be independent and manage their own home. But they need also to recognize that their parents have a deep interest in them and want to help them to be happy. They might also remember that these parents have had many more years of experience than they have had and might be of help in solving some of their problems. What they may at times consider as criticism or interference in their affairs, they might consider as a perhaps unwise desire of their parents to help them. If there is a difference in point of view, they might be patient and try with love and kindness to win their parents to their view; or, surprisingly, they might see their parents' view the wiser.
On the other hand, though parents still have a deep love for their children and want to help them, they should realize that the young couple now have a right to be independent and to work out their own problems. Even though they think the youngsters are making mistakes in managing their home, their children, or their finances, they should be extremely tactful and kind in making suggestions or in giving unasked advice. They should not expect them to do everything exactly as they themselves would do. They should by all means not impose their own views on their children. (I Corinthians 13 (not insist own way). The relationship between parents and the new home should no longer be one of expected obedience, but of warm cooperation, in which each respect the independence and ideas of the other. There cannot be the same closeness of association, the same amount of attention parents have formerly enjoyed, for their children now have other responsibilities which must claim their time and attention.
But if both parents and children are Christians, and try to exercise the love and compassion, the kindness and understanding which Jesus always showed for others, there should be no in-law trouble, but both the new and the parental homes will have a mutually happy relationship.
Laela
Sidestepping the "lynch mob"
First of all Ruth's husband also had died. So she too was a widow when she clinged to her MIL to help her instead of turning her back on Naomi, like her sister in law, Orpah, did.
Ruth later married Boaz, who is not Naomi's son but a relative of her dead husband's. Ruth and Naomi had always had a very close relationship.
I'm not trying to justify anything but I will be realistic. It can be a challenge for couples today in which the MIL and daughter barely know each other or haven't had time to cultivate a close relationship.
I understand and agree that we must love and have compassion for our families; but let's not confuse a wife's rights with that of being a loving Christian, especially if neither woman is a Widow...
Ruth later married Boaz, who is not Naomi's son but a relative of her dead husband's. Ruth and Naomi had always had a very close relationship.
I'm not trying to justify anything but I will be realistic. It can be a challenge for couples today in which the MIL and daughter barely know each other or haven't had time to cultivate a close relationship.
I understand and agree that we must love and have compassion for our families; but let's not confuse a wife's rights with that of being a loving Christian, especially if neither woman is a Widow...
Great posts, Laela (both of them)First of all Ruth's husband also had died. So she too was a widow when she clinged to her MIL to help her instead of turning her back on Naomi, like her sister in law, Orpah, did.
Ruth later married Boaz, who is not Naomi's son but a relative of her dead husband's. Ruth and Naomi had always had a very close relationship.
I'm not trying to justify anything but I will be realistic. It can be a challenge for couples today in which the MIL and daughter barely know each other or haven't had time to cultivate a close relationship.
I understand and agree that we must love and have compassion for our families; but let's not confuse a wife's rights with that of being a loving Christian, especially if neither woman is a Widow...
This can be a hard call for any family; and it's a case by case situation and decision.
No wife should ever have to play 'seconds' to anyone or anything in her husband's life. And thank God for His word which validates this.
However, our elderly parents cannot be abandoned be they widowed or not; they are so fragile and vunerable and need care; their doctor appointments and medications seem endless.
I know this firsthand as I am currently caring for my mom, who cannot take care of herself anymore. She simply cannot. It's a very stressful expereince because now I am the mother and my mother is as my child.
While I still honour and cherish her as my mother, I can only imagine how stressful it can be for a daugher in law to endure this, yet so many of them lovingly do so; for something still has to done without abandon; even if the mother and/or father in law is not a widow.
It's a major responsibility, especially if one is working and has other family responsibilities (children, etc.) in addition to providing for the parent's care. The sacrifices are worth it, but it could bring its toll upon a marriage relationship; especially if the 'parent' is difficult to deal with; such as one with a contensious personality. That's stressful to the max.
Again, it's a case by case situation and it depends on so many, many factors. I've learned that God provides for whatever the care requires, God surely provides.
I pray for everyone who may find themselves in this situation that the peace of God prevails in your hearts and minds and that you will have the right answers at the right time and not miss a moment of peace and blessings for each family member involved. :Rose:
In Jesus' Name, Amen and Amen.
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
Great posts, Laela (both of them)
...
However, our elderly parents cannot be abandoned be they widowed or not; they are so fragile and vunerable and need care; their doctor appointments and medications seem endless.
I know this firsthand as I am currently caring for my mom, who cannot take care of herself anymore. She simply cannot. It's a very stressful expereince because now I am the mother and my mother is as my child.
While I still honour and cherish her as my mother, I can only imagine how stressful it can be for a daugher in law to endure this, yet so many of them lovingly do so; for something still has to done without abandon; even if the mother and/or father in law is not a widow.
This is all that I meant. I happen to be close to a number of elderly ladies and, health problems or not, the loneliness that comes with that time can be so profound that it makes me wonder if a lot of what manifests itself as possessiveness, guilt-tripping, etc. isn't a backwards way of asking for more closeness, community, etc.
So, I'm not questioning the biblical priority of the wife, only asking whether there's a way of thinking about it, a different attitude, that helps to create win-win situations in the family as a whole.
My mom has been in the hospital for the past three weeks (as of today) because she needed her medications readjusted and then monitored until it was safe for her to return home.
My sister and I are with her everyday, it's hard thinking of her being there. Sadder, is that her roommate has no one who visits her. She's just as sweet as she can be, yet she has no family or friends who visit.
Each day I visit my mom, I take something for both of them. My sister gave both of them a manicure last weekend. These are things that we normally do with our mom, on a regular basis. She's never alone.
I can't begin to imagine how fearful and lonely an elderly person can be; especially since they become less mobile and unable to go out and travel, if only to the grocery store, on their own.
The wife is still first and personally, I won't have it any other way. Yet for either of our parents, it is my prayer that we always have the heart to keep them embraced with our love and active care.
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I can see where you are coming from on this. For years my MIL and I went through a battle. It started shortly after DH and I started dating and became progressively worse over the years. A few months ago she and I had a huge blow up. Once we got the apologies out of the way I really listened to what she had to say and I realized that at the heart of it all was a very sad and lonely woman who felt like she’d lost the love of her life (she describes her son as the love of her life). To add insult to injury, my stepdaughter, her granddaughter, the little girl who would sometimes called her mom and would lean on her shoulder and tell her secrets, started calling me mom and telling me secrets. She took her insecurities out on me and I was a little too immature to look beneath the surface. So, I think you’re right; a lot of times it does stem from loneliness. It doesn’t make it right, but it does help when someone can look beyond the comments and rude behavior and get to the source.
A lot of times I think the best way to handle it is with love. Whenever I’m in a bad mood, my husband is extra loving towards me and gives me lots of hugs and kisses. I joke with him and say that he is trying to love the hell out of me….literally. We laugh and joke about it, but I think it’s true. To just love the person sounds so simple, but it’s not always easy to do.
Mrselle, you are a beautiful portrait of Victorious :Rose:
My MIL.... "Henna Sooq"
GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I
New Member
Then what should the dil and son do in this case if the mother is capable of taking care of herself? Should they move? Ask her to move along with them??? Pragmatically in this particular situation where she is healthy and capable and perhaps has a spouse, what should the kids do? I'd really like to know because I have a certain reason for asking.
I believe the key in this is for the husband and wife to make a 'prayerful' accessment of their parent's stability, health and safety. And then go from there.
There are a great number of the elderly who live alone and are well able to do so. Some can out run a marathon... no kidding.
Each situation varies. So that's where a prayerful accessment comes in to determine if / what the elder parent(s) may need. To have a 'plan' in the event that they do need care in the future.
If the couple is moving out of state, it's advisable to make sure that the parents have Long Term Care insurance and if necessary pay the cost for the parents. To also do research on Assisted Living Care in the event that it's needed.
In many states, the elderly can apply for Medical Assistance Long Term Care which will pay for Assisted Living for them. It is also crucial for the elderly parent(s) to designate a Power of Attorney, a trusted family member to handle their Medical Decisions (Advanced Medical POA); Finances (Financial POA) and to have a living will as well as instructions whether or not to resusitate in the event that it becomes necessary.
I'll be honest, as the 'Children' we eventually DO become the parent to our parents. So there is a role reversal where we need to have all of this in order, meaning full knowledge about their medical, financial and end of life decisions to be prepared when that time comes.
The hardest thing about this is 'desire', for though it may be a cliche', it' still rings true, that where there's a 'Will' (a desire), there's a way. And God does lead the way and with total provision.
I'm sorry to have taken this thread topic this far, perhaps we need a spin off. My heartfelt apologies to the OP. :Rose:
momi
Well-Known Member
Too far? I dont think so... this is something that every married or engaged couple needs to discuss. If we are so blessed, it will be a natural progression. This is a very necessary topic and you are right - provisions need to be made before hand. My husband and I are already discussing the need for an in-law suite in our next home for his mother (my mother is in heaven and already has a suite!). His sister knows that we have agreed to be the ones to provide a home for her, and she will assist with her daily care and activities. Mind you - she is healthy and is showing no sign of slowing down.
Thanks Momi. The reality is that we who still have a living parent or parents, have to face the reality that this a fact of life that we have to prepare for.
I pray your MIL stays healthy and strong until Jesus comes. I wish this for everyone. I pray that there will be no stress but only the best of times being spent enjoying and loving one another as Family. :Rose:
Laela
Sidestepping the "lynch mob"
Beautfiully said...
It's all in the couple's planning together, in one accord. If they aren't in one accord, it won't happen.
It's all in the couple's planning together, in one accord. If they aren't in one accord, it won't happen.
I believe the key in this is for the husband and wife to make a 'prayerful' accessment of their parent's stability, health and safety. And then go from there.
There are a great number of the elderly who live alone and are well able to do so. Some can out run a marathon... no kidding.
Each situation varies. So that's where a prayerful accessment comes in to determine if / what the elder parent(s) may need. To have a 'plan' in the event that they do need care in the future.
If the couple is moving out of state, it's advisable to make sure that the parents have Long Term Care insurance and if necessary pay the cost for the parents. To also do research on Assisted Living Care in the event that it's needed.
In many states, the elderly can apply for Medical Assistance Long Term Care which will pay for Assisted Living for them. It is also crucial for the elderly parent(s) to designate a Power of Attorney, a trusted family member to handle their Medical Decisions (Advanced Medical POA); Finances (Financial POA) and to have a living will as well as instructions whether or not to resusitate in the event that it becomes necessary.
I'll be honest, as the 'Children' we eventually DO become the parent to our parents. So there is a role reversal where we need to have all of this in order, meaning full knowledge about their medical, financial and end of life decisions to be prepared when that time comes.
The hardest thing about this is 'desire', for though it may be a cliche', it' still rings true, that where there's a 'Will' (a desire), there's a way. And God does lead the way and with total provision.
I'm sorry to have taken this thread topic this far, perhaps we need a spin off. My heartfelt apologies to the OP. :Rose:
LatterGlory
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Aviah
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Slightly OT:
I agree with the bolded, but some people do have character flaws in that they LOVE God (directly), but have a hard time with the love your neighbor/wife part of loving Him. Its important to be both a God-loving man, and a wife-loving husband!
In response to the thread I agree with many ladies here, the wife is first, but in extenuating circumstances the family should come together to help each other (in this case MIL) out.
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