Who should be first in a man's life, Mother or Wife?

[LatterGlory]

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[music-bnatural-smile]

hmmmm I think God will bless a man who is close to Him with the discernment of how to love everyone in His life appropriately...

Biblically a marriage makes 2 people one though... i'm interested for the responses to this one, its a good question

 

[Renovating]

I chose the wife. A mother that respects her son's marriage and has a desire for it to succeed would not make him choose, and would find other ways to meet her needs. (emotional, financial, whatever)

 

[RockCreak]

I know what the Word of God says, but interested in your opinions on the matter.

Let's say he has to make a decision to stay in a state near mom or move far away with the wife... or if he has a mother needs him for support ( emotional, financial, whatever )and a wife who needs him also.

Who should get first preference?

IMHO I believe the wife should come first (and I do) . When you take that vow.... you are saying just that. Mothers should realize that their sons are starting a new family, not to say that they still can't be there for their mother... but they have a "new woman" in their life. I know for some that this is a major issue.. battling the inlaw and having the husband stuck between a rock and a hard place because he wants to please everyone. Then the husband is left feeling like he has to choose one over the other... Then the wife if having issues because the man is not standing up for their marriage and defending her as his wife... not setting the boundaries or guidelines if you will... oh how I know all to well.... .

Ok.. enough of me ranting.. I'm waiting to hear other responses as well!

 

[LatterGlory]

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[Laela]

My answer is based on biblical principle; so based on that premise, the Word of God instructs a man (from Genesis and throughout other books in the Bible) to leave his father and mother and to cleave to his wife. The two becoming one in God's eyes, he cannot put anyone before her because anything he does, he will be doing it to himself. We are to love ourselves as we love others.

Of course, this is with the understanding that God comes first in the lives of both the wife and husband.

Cleave, according to Webster's means: to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.

Marriage is work. Unwavering loyalty is what helps keep a marriage together. That means her needs will come first. Her desires will come first. The day he puts anyone else's needs and desires before his wife's he's in danger of violating his own vows. Same goes for the wife.

A mother who loves her son will let him be free to be the man she'd raised him to be, even if it means keeping her out of his marital decisions and affairs. The day he marries, she, along with everyone else has become an "outsider" to this union. The husband and wife's goal is to stay incubated, with as little interference from outsiders as possible. That doesn't mean he doesn't love his mother, he's just appropriated his relationship with her.

It's funny you even ask this question, because the biggest problem a lot of people have these days with their marriages is dealing with the in-laws. People who have respect for a person's marriage will never interfere or deliberately cause harm. Unfortunately when sons and daughters marry, some parents just don't know how to let go or they mistakenly see the shift in their child's attention as a form of rejection.

I think how the in-laws deal with a couple depends on their personal view of the sanctity of marriage.

Just MHO....

Oh, my answer is WIFE.

 

[chiconya]

I voted Wife can't argue with God.

 

[LatterGlory]

__________________________

 

[Shimmie]

I know what the Word of God says, but interested in your opinions on the matter.

Let's say he has to make a decision to stay in a state near mom or move far away with the wife... or if he has a mother needs him for support ( emotional, financial, whatever )and a wife who needs him also.

Who should get first preference?

His wife, period, point blank, no other options. It's the word and the commandment of God.

"Children obey your parents, for this is right'.

By a living example, children were taught that Mommie and Daddie lived together as man and wife. Not husband and his mother or vice versa.

Parents, train up your child in the way that they should go...

Go with your husband or wife...

Now in the case of a parent needing care, one option is to pack up the parent and move them with you and proceed to care for them how God directs you to.

What if the wife objects?

God always makes the provisions for us to 'obey' Him. Always.

He never requires us to do anything that He has not made provision for.

Two Biblical Examples:

Abraham and Sarah: God commanded Abraham to come out from his family. Abraham obeyed and left with his wife, Sarai (Sarah) and God made every provision for them, for they were in the perfect will of God and they allowed God to be the head of their journey.

Joseph and Mary: God spoke to Joseph in a dream. "Take the mother and baby (Mary and Jesus) and go unto Nazareth". God was protecting them from King Herod and his fury to kill every baby boy ages 2 and under. Joseph obeyed and God provided for them completely.

In the lives of these men and others we read of in the Bible, they all had human shortcomings. They needed God's intervention for the right decision. That's why it is so important for God to be the head of the Marriage so that He is the one directing the husband in the path he needs to follow with the decisions he needs to make. The same applies to the wife...God must lead her as well.

For the husband, the order is God, Wife, then Family.

For the wife, it's God, Husband, then Family.
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Excellent thread topic...

 

[discobiscuits]

wife. Leave & cleve baby!

 

[Poohbear]

The wife should be first in a man's life. You did not mention if the man's mother has a husband. If so, his mother's husband should be taking care of her.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

One leave's one family to cleave unto his wife. But mother-in-law problems are worldwide and even more intensified with old world cultures. It's about power. Some don't know when to let up.

 

[diadall]

God
Wife
Mother

 

[kbragg]

Ok who said mother? WHO!?

Definitely WIFE! Man I am soooo glad I have a good Mother In Law

 

[Buttercreme]

I know what the Word of God says, but interested in your opinions on the matter.

Let's say he has to make a decision to stay in a state near mom or move far away with the wife... or if he has a mother needs him for support ( emotional, financial, whatever )and a wife who needs him also.

Who should get first preference?

Currently going through this

 

[Laela]

that response was priceless... !

Made my day.

wife. Leave & cleve baby!

 

[Laela]

Hi, Mrs....

ITA.. a man's opinion would be great for a thread like this

A man shouldn't be caught in any quandary between his mother and his marriage. If he is, his mother doesn't respect nor acknowledge the sanctity of his marriage and has some control -- and that's not fair to the wife. Not at all. In that regard, Time and Space would help. Some people have to learn the hard way to respect people's marriage, ESPECIALLY family.
He can love her and still put her in check when it comes to his Wife. No IFs ANDs or BUTTs about it. I'm sorry.

Thanks Leala... and what is he (husband), to do if she (mother) does not respect the sanctity of their marriage?

*Maan, this is one of then few times I wish men were a part of the board would be so interesting to hear men's point of view on this this matter.

 

[Highly Favored8]

It is the wife. When a husband & wife are joined together in marriage they are no longer two they are one.

 

[Laela]

I'm glad you pointed that out... the in-law problems are all about control on either or even both sides.

One leave's one family to cleave unto his wife. But mother-in-law problems are worldwide and even more intensified with old world cultures. It's about power. Some don't know when to let up.

 

[aribell]

I do think the biblical answer is wife...generally speaking. But since there are always those crazy exceptional circumstances, like a mother needing full time care, having no other relatives, etc. I think the man is still obligated to care for her. This doesn't mean mom comes "first," but he can't abandon his mother's needs because it's not what his wife wants...assuming it's an actual need rather than a want. "He that does not care for his own has rejected the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Any dissention resulting from him tending to his mother's real needs is the fault of the wife, imo.

Idk, this is why "being willing to care for aging parents" is on my "must-have in a husband" list. I don't even want to have to go there.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Does this mother have a living spouse who is able to care for her? If not, is she able to physically care for herself? He can always mail her money. He can always call her daily. He can't always get that great job in another state to support his own family. If the mother is controlling him emotionally because she doesn't wanna let go, I'd take the job out-of-state and have her visit from time to time. Is she isn't capable of caring for herself, I'd have her move alongside the family out-of-state if there's no living spouse. Other than that, I hear orthopedic surgeons specialize in backbone reconstruction. Ahahahaha.

 

[Laela]

Hi, Nicola....

You raise a good point about an ill mom or a mom that needs care; but that's not what I'm referring to about putting his wife first. Even in a situation like that, a man and his wife would have to be in agreement on how to care for his mother and his role in doing so (especially if there are other siblings that can share the burden) so as not to put a strain on their marriage. Now if the wife is so evil as to keep him from taking care of his sick mom, just because, she's just as wrong. Her objection has to be valid and be fair.

But, I've heard of "sick" people using their situation to take advantage or even control their family. That's just as evil.

I do think the biblical answer is wife...generally speaking. But since there are always those crazy exceptional circumstances, like a mother needing full time care, having no other relatives, etc. I think the man is still obligated to care for her. This doesn't mean mom comes "first," but he can't abandon his mother's needs because it's not what his wife wants...assuming it's an actual need rather than a want. "He that does not care for his own has rejected the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Any dissention resulting from him tending to his mother's real needs is the fault of the wife, imo.

Idk, this is why "being willing to care for aging parents" is on my "must-have in a husband" list. I don't even want to have to go there.

 

[joy2day]

I have a dear friend who has a very controlling MIL. This lady (the mil) had the audacity to ask, (when she found out her son was off from work one day taking his wife to a dr appt), if her (my friend's) mother could come from another state (about 2 hrs away) to take her to the dr appt instead!!!!!erplexed Apparently there was something that the MIL wanted from her son that day, and wifey was in the way! Not only that, but the MIL is the type that when her son is off from work, she thinks that he should be with her, NOT WITH HIS WIFE or just taking care of stuff at home while she is at work! The MIL has questioned choices that they made in their home, as well as why he bought my friend a new piece of jewelry! This to me is bizarre. How can a woman in good conscience decide that it is ok to stir up this kind of foolishness with her 40 something year old son? He is past grown! It is so wrong of her to even put that kind of turmoil on her son, but I was told by my friend that he did finally have to tell his mom, "look, this is my wife and my life with her; I will not let you get between us!" I think it has been a struggle for this lady, but she is starting to get the picture.

I am praying for a good MIL!

 

[goldielocs]

My husband and I are already preparing to care for his mother when she can't do for herself. There are no others in the family to look after her and she isn't the best when it comes to money. She's young- mid 50's- so I'm sure we don't have to worry about that for many moons.

My mom is financially stable, but you never know. Thankfully, we are from the same small town so if we need to move closer to them, both of our mothers will be looked after.

Other than that, one's wife definately comes first. Now, when it comes to my grand-daddy (I call him Daddy ) I have to admit that on some levels I'm more devoted to him than my husband. I know that if something happened to both my grand-daddy and my husband on the same day, I would have a hard time choosing where to go.

Thankfully, our moving across the country 3,500 miles away from my grand-daddy has helped me cleave to my husband more. I am definately a "grand- daddy's" girl.

 

[LatterGlory]

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[aribell]

In addition to having a "care for aging parents clause" in my marriage, I've also made it known to my mother now that evilness will not be tolerated. She told me once to please tell her if she ever became evil and onery like her mother, and I will surely do that. (thank goodness she's not like that though!) I'm not a man, of course, but I think the principle still stands.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

When my MIL had knee surgery and couldn't take care of herself or her home, I HELPED HER! When you get married, you now have more family...it's no longer "his or mine" but ours. That's oneness....

Even if the MIL isn't who she should be....loving her will cover her because apparently her needs will be more than just "wanting her son" but, she needs Jesus...the One who can keep her spirit and soul at peace. She is really looking for peace....

My husband and I discussed what would happen if we needed to take care of his mother full-time. We will do what we have to do together....no other discussion should be had. I could never look past him and not see his mother....he is an extension of her.

This is JMHO.

Thanks for bringing this important topic up, OP!

 

[Shimmie]

When my MIL had knee surgery and couldn't take care of herself or her home, I HELPED HER! When you get married, you now have more family...it's no longer "his or mine" but ours. That's oneness....

Even if the MIL isn't who she should be....loving her will cover her because apparently her needs will be more than just "wanting her son" but, she needs Jesus...the One who can keep her spirit and soul at peace. She is really looking for peace....

My husband and I discussed what would happen if we needed to take care of his mother full-time. We will do what we have to do together....no other discussion should be had.

I could never look past him and not see his mother....he is an extension of her.

This is JMHO.

Thanks for bringing this important topic up, OP!

No JMHO......instead it's beautiful and so like 'Ruth's love for Naomi. :Rose:

 

[Nice & Wavy]

No JMHO......instead it's beautiful and so like 'Ruth's love for Naomi. :Rose:

Oh, Shimmie....I so love that story. Ruth is such an inspiration to me and should be to every wife.

Thank you for the reminder of how special their relationship was :hug:

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

He should not cease from honoring his mother ( and you don't want him to). A man that does not love/honor his mother will not treat his wife well after the honeymoon wears off.

I know you girls are loving this but remember a wife is to submit her husband.

.

Aren't they talking about an MIL that actually doesn't like the DIL and is trying to get rid of her so she can be the central gal in his life again? That's the epitome of selfishness and is unmotherly. Of course, take care of one's mother...but submit to her selfish desires? I'd think that G-d would look down very disapproovingly upon the MIL for destroying a sacred union He created. Honoring mother should never be about stooping to that level. Where does one make the cut-off between abuse and concern...from both sides?