Who holds the power in your relationships?

[FluffyRed]

I have a friend who's cougaring with a younger guy. She claims she does not want a relationship, (because that's what he said) but she is frequently crying over him cancelling their plans at the last minute.

I told her, if you're already at a disadvantage (age-wise) this dude needs to be extremely special for you to be with him. Like he needs to be kissing your butt something extraordinary. I think young guys are happy to go from bed to bed, and it would need to be demonstrated to me that this is something different for me to be with him.

She said she would not want a guy she could run over. Me, I always have to have a guy that caters to me. I can't function when I am the one who's head over heels. It never works out.

Realizing that these things change over the course of a relationship, when you initially get together who appeared to be in control? If you're single and looking, are you looking to be loved more, or to love more?

 

[Celestial]

My man always has to be in control. I like to give love more. Of course, I don't mind being loved back but I really enjoy when I play a supporting and nuturing role and let the man control everything else. There are exceptions. I wouldn't agree to ideas or rules that I don't find beneficial for both parties.

 

[mxdchiq86]

from what i've learned recently, there are times where we need to let men be men. they want to feel powerful.. they want to feel good about their manhood, ect.. but,

i've never allowed a man to control me. i purposely am attracted to men with more laid back/less dominant personalities because i want to be able to control. the way i look at it is, we're women.. we're already socially less-dominant, physically less-dominant.. can we at least feel powerful in our relationships? and i think any man who will allow a woman to take lead is secure in himself and really respects you as a human, rather than a '' woman ''.

 

[dplyrooted]

God is in control of my relationship

 

[DragonPearl]

Is that a new term, "cougaring"?

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

I let my SO be the man in the relationship.
I listen to him, he will be my husband one day and I trust his judgment.
Not to say I don't have a mind of my own, because I do but I expect him to continue to take care of me and lead me on the right path when we do tie the knot, so therefore he is the boss. However, he is not bossy, he is very laid back but a very responsible man.
I am old fashioned and don't believe in being an independent woman, I need a man in my life to treat me like a princess

 

[Celestial]

from what i've learned recently, there are times where we need to let men be men. they want to feel powerful.. they want to feel good about their manhood, ect.. but,

i've never allowed a man to control me. i purposely am attracted to men with more laid back/less dominant personalities because i want to be able to control. the way i look at it is, we're women.. we're already socially less-dominant, physically less-dominant.. can we at least feel powerful in our relationships? and i think any man who will allow a woman to take lead is secure in himself and really respects you as a human, rather than a '' woman ''.

I agree with this. When a woman speak of a man being in control I don't think she is literally speaking of being controlled. I think it is of what you said: let men be men. All men like their woman to have some kind of control. I feel powerful not by giving orders, but when I make my SO feel loved and appreciated whether that takes obeying request or giving them. Everyone has their own way of doing things. I'm a traditionalist so I believe in the man role and the woman role thing.

 

[Celestial]

I let my SO be the man in the relationship.
I listen to him, he will be my husband one day and I trust his judgment.
Not to say I don't have a mind of my own, because I do but I expect him to continue to take care of me and lead me on the right path when we do tie the knot, so therefore he is the boss. However, he is not bossy, he is very laid back but a very responsible man.
I am old fashioned and don't believe in being an independent woman, I need a man in my life to treat me like a princess

Here is a second old-fashionalist or traditionalist. I learned that men like to be in control and care over their woman. They even like to pay the rent and utilities. They like it if you show appreciation for it and honor their "laws."

 

[ChasingBliss]

I'd rather have it balanced out appropriately, where it works for both of us and neither of us feels less than, diminished or less loved than the other. In my last relationship, I was the one in control. It felt like he would allow anything just to not lose me. This turned me off after a while because I felt he lacked confidence in his own abilities.
Also, I have always been attracted to extremely confident, Know-how-and-when-to-take-control type of men. And I'm glad I have finally have that type of guy.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I let my SO be the man in the relationship.
I listen to him, he will be my husband one day and I trust his judgment.
Not to say I don't have a mind of my own, because I do but I expect him to continue to take care of me and lead me on the right path when we do tie the knot, so therefore he is the boss. However, he is not bossy, he is very laid back but a very responsible man.
I am old fashioned and don't believe in being an independent woman, I need a man in my life to treat me like a princess

I totally understand this. And there are men out here who can fill that role very well. They are nurturing, loving, respectful in every way and take care of their business. When that happens, it's a beautiful thing.

 

[Prudent1]

I think it depends on how you define control... it is not being his doormat just b/c he's a man. I think we can all agree on that. A man who's really being a man doesn't disrespect you like that anyway. As you know, everything with 'a pair' does not a man make... Anyway, I have found there's a such thing as quiet strength. It really is very effective. Most men will always be physically stronger but they cannot touch us for the most part when it comes to mental strength. As for social dominance, once I understood what it meant to be a real woman and stopped trying to prove myself, rather became familiar with what I was natural endowed with....a lot of my earlier concerns were eliminated.

Never-the-less be careful what you wish for. That laid back dude may sometimes be laid back when your car is in need of repairs, the kids need something, or the mortgage payment is due. Sometimes being in control is good but what about when life happens like your health changes or you get tired of being superwoman and want a real companion? Then of what good is he? Balance in relationships works for me personally. Not a psuedo female in distress act or a amazon warrior princess mentality. However, to each her own.

 

[*5+5]

My SO is in complete control of our relationship and there's moments when I'm satisfied with it and other times where I feel as tho' we need a more even balance.

He's also overprotective of me, but I like it!

 

[MD_Lady]

In terms of the survey question, there's a balance in our relationship. Both DH and I are more committed to finding the best solution to our problems than we are wielding "power" in our marriage. As far as your question goes:

...Realizing that these things change over the course of a relationship, when you initially get together who appeared to be in control? ...

In the beginning of our relationship (and this is of our time together, not our marriage), DH put me squarely in the "driver's seat". I didn't feel like I was in "control" because I never acted without fully considering his wants and needs. Besides, I never believed in either one of us always having the "final word"; I've always felt most comfortable with both of us having voting rights and veto power.

 

[MD_Lady]

from what i've learned recently, there are times where we need to let men be men. they want to feel powerful.. they want to feel good about their manhood, ect.. but,

i've never allowed a man to control me. i purposely am attracted to men with more laid back/less dominant personalities because i want to be able to control. the way i look at it is, we're women.. we're already socially less-dominant, physically less-dominant.. can we at least feel powerful in our relationships? and i think any man who will allow a woman to take lead is secure in himself and really respects you as a human, rather than a '' woman ''.

I agree 100%. A person's relationship should always reflect their values (no matter how traditional or modern they may be), but for me, there's so much more to being a "real man" or "the man" than calling all (or most) of the shots all (or most) the time.

 

[tiara76]

Love would be in power of the relationship

as for a man, I can allow a man to be a "man' if he is in his true self and not his ego self..

its not that he is in control or leads me anywhere....its that I choose to go with him on a journey that leads us both to greater experiences of life and love and trust that he can take care of me and that i can take care of him in all different aspects....I don't mind letting him drive, I'd prefer to ride passenger and be able to relax and know that he has it...if he gets lost he doesn't let pride step in the way to keep us going in circles instead I will help direct us without taking over the steering wheel and treating him like he don't know how to drive or navigate...if he gets tired and needs to rest then i can take the wheel for awhile and keep us going until he's able to get back in the driver seat so i can take passenger again solely because thats where I prefer to be

or better yet if we are trekking it ...if he is carrying me on his back he will eventually get tired and those are the times we rest and i rub his feet and feed him and nurture him back to his strong state so I can once more get back on his strong back and know he got me and won't drop me

I have a picture like that in my room a man trekking up a hill with his woman and child on his back....

and knowing that if ever need be Im strong enough to lift him
and when i need nurturing and caring he is able to do so as well

 

[socurlyqt]

Love would be in power of the relationship

as for a man, I can allow a man to be a "man' if he is in his true self and not his ego self..

its not that he is in control or leads me anywhere....its that I choose to go with him on a journey that leads us both to greater experiences of life and love and trust that he can take care of me and that i can take care of him in all different aspects....I don't mind letting him drive, I'd prefer to ride passenger and be able to relax and know that he has it...if he gets lost he doesn't let pride step in the way to keep us going in circles instead I will help direct us without taking over the steering wheel and treating him like he don't know how to drive or navigate...if he gets tired and needs to rest then i can take the wheel for awhile and keep us going until he's able to get back in the driver seat so i can take passenger again solely because thats where I prefer to be

or better yet if we are trekking it ...if he is carrying me on his back he will eventually get tired and those are the times we rest and i rub his feet and feed him and nurture him back to his strong state so I can once more get back on his strong back and know he got me and won't drop me

I have a picture like that in my room a man trekking up a hill with his woman and child on his back....

and knowing that if ever need be Im strong enough to lift him
and when i need nurturing and caring he is able to do so as well

TELL IT!My sentiments exactly!!

 

[LisaLisa1908]

"Control" is such a loaded word.

The way we operate our marriage is that each of us has roles we fulfill. As far as decision making, we discuss and depending on the situation, either of us will pull the trigger depending on the roles we've elected to take on. The issues of "him being a man" or "me being a woman" don't REALLY come up, except for my reticence about asking him for money, but that's not a man/woman thing, that's a Lisa thing and I'm like that with EVERYBODY, and he knows it. I'm working on it.

 

[MizAvalon]

Never-the-less be careful what you wish for. That laid back dude may sometimes be laid back when your car is in need of repairs, the kids need something, or the mortgage payment is due. Sometimes being in control is good but what about when life happens like your health changes or you get tired of being superwoman and want a real companion? Then of what good is he?

This is exactly why I'm not attracted to and don't date Beta men. They are very easy to get along with because they are so passive but when you need someone to stand up and LEAD your family, they often fall short. Standing around with their hands in their pockets waiting for you to "do something."

I can't be with a man like that. I see a lot of henpecked men with super bossy wives and just can't imagine living like that.