When your family doesn't like him...HELP!

[poetist]

I agree that you need to try to move out on your own. I shudder to think what would have happened if I spent the night with a guy while living with my parents or my grandmother. The horror....

 

[makeupgirl]

It could be and forgive me if this has be posted before that your family sees something that you can't. Sometimes, God allows our families and friends to see things we can't see because we are too far gone and sucked into the situation. I can already tell that something is off and I don't even know you or the guy. Be careful and pray is my advice. Let God direct your path.

 

[Ronnieaj]

I don't think we know enough about the guy to automatically make presumptions about him based solely on age. That's JMO. I dated a guy who was 11 years my elder as well (I was 24 and he was 35), and he was in the ministry and wasn't having sex, so if there was only one thing he was interested in, that surely wasn't it.

That said, I'm 30 now and the rule at my parents is STILL, "when you come in my house, you live by my rules. If you don't like it, you can leave." And I've only been home to visit since I was17, but the rules are the rules. I'd be hot too if my 22 year old grandchild is living in my house and spent the weekend with her boyfriend, regardless of how old he is. That just wouldn't be acceptable behavior to me. Again, JMO. I think, so long as you live there, you need to respect her rules. That may mean that you don't talk to your BF as much at home, at least not when you're having problems, and you respect the fact that grandma may not care for him, and not constantly bring him up or bring him around.

Also, family can be wrong. My family hated my SO, couldn't stand him. Umm, yeah, now they keep asking when we're finally getting engaged and married so they can finally have a son .

 

[LadyLeoSmile]

I don't think we know enough about the guy to automatically make presumptions about him based solely on age. That's JMO. I dated a guy who was 11 years my elder as well (I was 24 and he was 35), and he was in the ministry and wasn't having sex, so if there was only one thing he was interested in, that surely wasn't it.

That said, I'm 30 now and the rule at my parents is STILL, "when you come in my house, you live by my rules. If you don't like it, you can leave." And I've only been home to visit since I was17, but the rules are the rules. I'd be hot too if my 22 year old grandchild is living in my house and spent the weekend with her boyfriend, regardless of how old he is. That just wouldn't be acceptable behavior to me. Again, JMO. I think, so long as you live there, you need to respect her rules. That may mean that you don't talk to your BF as much at home, at least not when you're having problems, and you respect the fact that grandma may not care for him, and not constantly bring him up or bring him around.

Also, family can be wrong. My family hated my SO, couldn't stand him. Umm, yeah, now they keep asking when we're finally getting engaged and married so they can finally have a son .

ITA with this whole post, especially the bolded.

 

[Bunny77]

I don't think we know enough about the guy to automatically make presumptions about him based solely on age. That's JMO. I dated a guy who was 11 years my elder as well (I was 24 and he was 35), and he was in the ministry and wasn't having sex, so if there was only one thing he was interested in, that surely wasn't it.

That said, I'm 30 now and the rule at my parents is STILL, "when you come in my house, you live by my rules. If you don't like it, you can leave." And I've only been home to visit since I was17, but the rules are the rules. I'd be hot too if my 22 year old grandchild is living in my house and spent the weekend with her boyfriend, regardless of how old he is. That just wouldn't be acceptable behavior to me. Again, JMO.

Regarding the age thing... I think the reason that the 11-year difference set off my spidey signals in THIS particular case is because I don't know too many "together" men who are 33 (mentally and in terms of maturity... not just financially) and get down with dating a 22-year-old who lives with grandma during the week and then comes over to his place on the weekend.

It just seems like a 33-year-old would be way beyond trying to deal with that. Now, take a 22-year-old woman who's a graduate student with her own place or a recent graduate... heck, even finishing school with her own apartment, and I might think differently. But when a much older man is dating a much younger woman who is still living under a parent's rules (or grandparent's) and sitting up on grandma's couch at 10 p.m. with his college girlfriend... that just don't look right. I know 33-year-old men in my professional circles who might date younger women, but I don't know any who would even begin to sign up for the situation that's going on right here. I think the part of your post that I bolded really hits home... and it seems like a together 33-year-old dude would also be uncomfortable with this type of situation.

Anyway, it's Naturalgurl's life and if she wants to stay with this dude, I agree she needs to move out.

 

[zenith]

well it sounds like time to move out

Exactly!! When you have your own place that you are paying for, you can dictate what goes on. Till then you have to dance to your grandmother's tune.

 

[naturallgurl]

Lesson learned - You can't go telling your fam/friends about the bad things your SO does and when things "get better" expect them to be cool with him all of a sudden. I agree with the other poster(s), it's time to move out. Can you live on campus?

Well, yea...but it's so darn expensive! I already have loans, Im trying to keep my debt to a min upon grad...know what I mean?

 

[naturallgurl]

Think about it....

Wouldn't you like for a man to come over your place or even come pick you up and take you out?

He does, just not as often as they like...he was treated rudely the last time though...
Wouldn't you like to feel comfortable being out and about with a man without worrying what others would think because of his age?
I am completely comfortable being out...this has never been an issue for me, most ppl mistake my for being older anyway...i went out for my 21st bday and I didnt get carded...

Wouldn't you like to be able to do things with him without hiding it from your family
i dont think that they will ever be satisfied...my last bf wasnt good enough for them either...they are so negative about everything...

Wouldn't you like for him to stop "cutting up", whatever he's doing to cut up and you have to tell your grandmother about it?
I dont talk to her about it anymore...i learned that lesson a long time ago...
Wouldn't you like to have a man that doesn't argue with you all the time? That would be a headache.
we don't argue all of the time, i never said that...
But if you feel the need for more freedom and want to move out, be careful about your decision. Overall, I think that it is time to go...i dont think they understand me anymore...i have always been an introvert and really laid back...so id rather chill out in my room and read a book than sit up and watch tv all day, so i have an attitude, thats not it, thats just me...
Don't do this all for the sake of this man that you are dating

 

[naturallgurl]

. I'd be hot too if my 22 year old grandchild is living in my house and spent the weekend with her boyfriend, regardless of how old he is. That just wouldn't be acceptable behavior to me. .

I only spent the weekend with him once, trust me I got the message that it was wrong...I didn't want to lie, so I told them the truth, Im going to spend the weekend with my b.f.

 

[Natasha009]

I don't agree with most of the people posting, she's a young adult. Yes, young, but still an ADULT, who is capable of making there own decisions and living the life they see fit. It may not be what her grandmother wants for her, but who can honestly say that they have lived there whole life according to what their elders want?? I can see why the grandmother may have reservations about his age, but at the same time that doesn't give her the right to put her down and treat her poorly.

I don't think a guy is worth losing your family over ever, but in this case it seems to me that her grandma doesn't yet her view her as an adult, and so they are both trying to exert their control (her grandmother wanting to continue to treat her as a dependent, and the poster trying to exert her newfound independence).

Speaking from experience, space is the best solution. Once I got out from my parents house and was able to prove that I was an adult capable of taking care of myself and making good decisions, they viewed me as such and relinqished trying to control my life and putting me down in an attempt to do so. Now we have the best of relationships again.

 

[Kneechay]

i dont usually post in the relationship forums but I felt badly for you, my friend went through something similar.

I do want to pose a question though. For you to defy your family and continue seeing him and for him to know they dont approve and keep seeing you, it seems like you guys are tight right? You and him are in love and see this going somewhere?

If yes, you claim he's secure and stable, and you dont want to take on loans to move to student housing, why dont you ask him to help out with that? I think as a 33 year old man dating a 22 year old that he cares for so much and sees a future with, he shouldn't have any problems helping you move to your own place in order to reduce the strain on you two's relationship by your family. Right?

I think you should sit down and discuss this and if he balks at this suggestion, it's telling.

At 33, I feel a man is at a point where he wants to find something stable (well, most of them), I'm sure he wants to fix this. What is he doing to help?

 

[Taleah2009]

i dont usually post in the relationship forums but I felt badly for you, my friend went through something similar.

I do want to pose a question though. For you to defy your family and continue seeing him and for him to know they dont approve and keep seeing you, it seems like you guys are tight right? You and him are in love and see this going somewhere?

If yes, you claim he's secure and stable, and you dont want to take on loans to move to student housing, why dont you ask him to help out with that? I think as a 33 year old man dating a 22 year old that he cares for so much and sees a future with, he shouldn't have any problems helping you move to your own place in order to reduce the strain on you two's relationship by your family. Right?

I think you should sit down and discuss this and if he balks at this suggestion, it's telling.

At 33, I feel a man is at a point where he wants to find something stable (well, most of them), I'm sure he wants to fix this. What is he doing to help?

ITA with this entire post. Especially the bolded. And Also based one of your other posts in another thread, I think about trust or something, maybe your grandparents see something about this man that you just don't see. I went through this same thing. I was 25, the guy was 37. And my mom laid me out about it. And in my head, I was thinking, whats the big deal, we have just have fun, hang out, no sex involved. And then him and I had a big falling out, which made me thing, dang, my mom was right. I should have listened. So granted, your grandmother's approach may be totally wrong (ie the name calling), she just may be on to something. So truly be honest with yourself about the situation.

 

[naturallgurl]

i dont usually post in the relationship forums but I felt badly for you, my friend went through something similar.?

I do want to pose a question though. For you to defy your family and continue seeing him and for him to know they dont approve and keep seeing you, it seems like you guys are tight right? You and him are in love and see this going somewhere?
Yes...
If yes, you claim he's secure and stable, and you dont want to take on loans to move to student housing, why dont you ask him to help out with that? I think as a 33 year old man dating a 22 year old that he cares for so much and sees a future with, he shouldn't have any problems helping you move to your own place in order to reduce the strain on you two's relationship by your family. Right?
We've already discussed this, and he's okay with it...this is my last resort though...he's even offered for me to move in with him, my gma always says if I leave I can never come back...

What happened with your friend's relationship? What did she decide to do?

 

[princessnad]

^ OMG DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. I think the poster was suggesting him helping you get a place of your own.

 

[Kneechay]

I do want to pose a question though. For you to defy your family and continue seeing him and for him to know they dont approve and keep seeing you, it seems like you guys are tight right? You and him are in love and see this going somewhere?
Yes...
If yes, you claim he's secure and stable, and you dont want to take on loans to move to student housing, why dont you ask him to help out with that? I think as a 33 year old man dating a 22 year old that he cares for so much and sees a future with, he shouldn't have any problems helping you move to your own place in order to reduce the strain on you two's relationship by your family. Right?
We've already discussed this, and he's okay with it...this is my last resort though...he's even offered for me to move in with him, my gma always says if I leave I can never come back...

What happened with your friend's relationship? What did she decide to do?

Well my friend's parents weren't to happy with her dating a non-Nigerian. She's in med school and is still dating him, despite all the fallout that initially happened.

 

[Sosoothing]

All I want to say is if you decide to move out, have your boyfriend help you find your own place. Moving in with him will not be wise.

 

[MrsMe]

I went through a similar situation with my parents (well, I should say my mom and my sis). My fiance is 8 years older than me and they had a list of things they didn't like about him based on my sister's account. We were in a LD relationship until I moved last August and it was a constant battle.
Older men who date younger WOMEN are not necessarily playing them. I'm emphasizing the fact that you are a woman at this age and as such you should be allowed to make your own decisions. However, you are living under THEIR roof, sharing THEIR meals, sleeping and bathing thanks to THEM so no matter what, you have to deal with their meddling.
I made the decision to move out because I couldn't find a job when I used to live at my sister's house, but I was only motivated by my finances. If you do move out, make it clear to them that it's not because of your boyfriend and do not move in with him. That will just make matters worse for you and him. I live on my own and I like it because I'm independent and I don't have to deal with their meddling and I don't depend on him. I'm very adamant about my independence and being self-sufficient.
With that being said, I have to work FT to pay rent and all other bills but I wouldn't have done that while I was in college. I do realize (because I know from experience) that it is a difficult situation, but you are graduating in one year, so hang in there for a little while longer. You will benefit from it financially and it will finish your studies without having to worry about next month's bills. As for your boyfriend, if he really loves you, he will stick by your side to support you emotionally.