When your family doesn't like him...HELP!

N

naturallgurl

New Member
Hello all,
I am going to try to make this as short as possible. My family and I have been having issues for the past few months.

One, they dislike my boyfriend, I will be the first to admit that he's not perfect, but it's my choice and my life, I have to live with it...

So here's the situation,
1. I am an only grandchild, and the baby of the family, my father is deceased...

I've been with my grandparents for the past 3 years....

I met my boyfriend a year ago, and my grandma was/is the type of person I felt talking about anything with so when the b.f. would cut up, I would talk to her about it...looking for advice not judgement...

Then she started being judgemental...okay that's to be expected...we used to do a lot together, until I got my own car and went off on my own,this may be a factor...

All of a sudden she would become upset because I would always go to his house. She blames him for everything...

Im 22 and in college and over the Christmas break, I have heard that Im nothing but a disappointment, Im always being compared to my aunt, and Im stupid...and more... she even went as far to say that Im a bigger disappointment than my father being on drugs...WOW!

It gets worse, tonight, she diagnosed me with depression and said that if I have a breakdown it's my fault because of my bf and she was going to send me to the crazy house and let someone else come and get me.

What led to this was...me and my b.f. had an argument over the phone the other night and she heard us, I had a little something to drink and I was a little more hostile than normal. This gave her something new to complain about...

She complains because he...
A. doesn't come over -why? He gets off work late and by the time he gets here it would be 10pm or later...he thinks that this is disrespectful...
I agree, if he did this would be something else for her to complain about...
B. I spent the weekend with him (and I was every kinda of you know what in the book because of it)

Besides that...
everything I seem to do is wrong. I had started to feel Im not liked...since Im constantly being told what a big disappointment I am, so I just layed low...stayed in my room when possible...BUT,

I was lazy and had an attitude...

tonight, as I was being told off...I made a statement and even then I had an attitude and was being disrespectful...to which I replied...I can't talk to you, I was just making a statement and everything I do or I say, you claim I have an attitude. Everything I do now, I have an attitude...I can't say anything...

I've never really had an easy time expressing myself, but for you to be so hostile and judgemental...just pushes me away.

Even worse, she has dragged her sisters(my great aunts) into it...they say I have an attitude, but I hardly see them, so they're going off what she's telling them...

I am at a breaking point... I want/ NEED to move out, but I am a student and Im not working b/c of my class schedule(im looking) and Im stuck...until I graduate next year...but I don't know how much more I can take...

I just lost my maternal grandmother and I feel like Im losing another one...

I need relief from retired, old ladies who have nothing more to do than to meddle and gossip...how do I address this issue without out going off?

I want to tell them that my b.f. is not to blame, Im not my aunt, Im me...and I am tired of constantly hearing how much of a disappoinment I am, that Im stupid, a whore, depressed, crazy, and more...:wallbash:

Every argument... my b.f. comes up and it's his fault that Im like this...OMG,

Ultimately, I know that they want whats best for me, but they sure have a helluva way of expressing it.

HELP! HELP! HELP!
 
If I was your GM I wouldn't like him either. He is too old. Nothing you can do. I suggest dumping him and finding a new boyfriend your age. Family, most times, knows best.
 
firstly don't discuss the problems in your relationship with your family, they are biased towards you and will do exactly as your grandmother is doing. yes he is older, but if they could look at how he treats you and accept him (which won't happen now).
I suggest either dumping him or having a talk with them,respectably, and just letting them know the good and that your not going to leave him to make them happy.

But this isn't something you want to lose your family over.
 
this is not the first time this has happened...its worse this time than before...but with my previous bf....there was an issue, he stopped coming over to the house after just one time...i cant do this every relationship
 
naturallgurl said:
Hello all,
I am going to try to make this as short as possible. My family and I have been having issues for the past few months.

One, they dislike my boyfriend, I will be the first to admit that he's not perfect, but it's my choice and my life, I have to live with it...
Very true. I'll be brutally honest with you here b/c you asked. I mean you no harm though:nono:. It is your choice. Please choose well. Read the following threads about choosing carefully those we spend quality time with.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=421576
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=429680
There are many other threads in the OT and relationaship forum filled with the outcomes of less than stellar choices. You don't have to go down the same path. Not saying you are def headed there but- choose well.
You will live out the consequences of your choices good or bad. All you have to do is read some of the threads from those transparent enough to share the outcomes of their similar situations. You will not be the exception to the rule should you not choose wisely. I have faith in you though.

So here's the situation,
1. I am an only grandchild, and the baby of the family, my father is deceased...

I've been with my grandparents for the past 3 years....

I met my boyfriend a year ago, and my grandma was/is the type of person I felt talking about anything with so when the b.f. would cut up, I would talk to her about it...looking for advice not judgement...
Good for you. You have learned relationship 101 rule. Do not tell family/ friends anything you may not want to have thrown up again in your face about SO. The two of you will have patched things up but others don't have love's blinders on so they remember everything you have previously shared long after you have put it aside. Do share important things but don't overshare. Achieving this balance takes time. She loves you. She is afraid and doesn't want any harm to come your way. She is trying to protect you but may not be the best communicator or the best with words. If they didn't love/ care for you, they probably wouldn't have given you a home. They are from a different generation which is not bad or aput down but you should keep that in mind.
Then she started being judgemental...okay that's to be expected...we used to do a lot together, until I got my own car and went off on my own,this may be a factor...
All of a sudden she would become upset because I would always go to his house. She blames him for everything...
Could be but it seems she is concerned about your overall well being and doesn't know how to articulate that. A lot of times those closest to us can see us becoming too emotionally dependant on SO when we can't. your situation may be different but keep that in mind too as you go through life.

Im 22 and in college and over the Christmas break, I have heard that Im nothing but a disappointment, Im always being compared to my aunt, and Im stupid...and more... she even went as far to say that Im a bigger disappointment than my father being on drugs...WOW!
It gets worse, tonight, she diagnosed me with depression and said that if I have a breakdown it's my fault because of my bf and she was going to send me to the crazy house and let someone else come and get me.
Ouch! I know that hurt coming from her...:perplexed


What led to this was...me and my b.f. had an argument over the phone the other night and she heard us, I had a little something to drink and I was a little more hostile than normal. This gave her something new to complain about...
Still seems like she is concerned here...try to keep your convos esp disagreements private going forward. Maybe go to the car or another room out of ear shot?
She complains because he...
A. doesn't come over -why? He gets off work late and by the time he gets here it would be 10pm or later...he thinks that this is disrespectful...
I agree, if he did this would be something else for her to complain about...
How often does he work? She is correct to a certain extent. At some point he should be available for some time other than late at night. Dudes who are running game usually use excuses of working and lateness to cover their other activities. It is good you both are mindful of late visits:yep:. That is disrespectful. Just keep your eyes open ok? ;)
B. I spent the weekend with him (and I was every kinda of you know what in the book because of it)
Now you should've seen this one coming a mile away:spinning:. I am not going to jump to conclusion about what you spent your weekend doing. I will say that if this is a choice you are consciously making, perhaps you should consider getting your own place before graduation. Again, choose wisely b/c there are no do overs in this life.

Besides that...
everything I seem to do is wrong. I had started to feel Im not liked...since Im constantly being told what a big disappointment I am, so I just layed low...stayed in my room when possible...BUT,

I was lazy and had an attitude...
Seems like everyone's emotions are on high right now. No one does everything wrong and once again she is concerned about your well being and future but not doing such a great job conveying that.:ohwell:

tonight, as I was being told off...I made a statement and even then I had an attitude and was being disrespectful...to which I replied...I can't talk to you, I was just making a statement and everything I do or I say, you claim I have an attitude. Everything I do now, I have an attitude...I can't say anything...

I've never really had an easy time expressing myself, but for you to be so hostile and judgemental...just pushes me away.

Even worse, she has dragged her sisters(my great aunts) into it...they say I have an attitude, but I hardly see them, so they're going off what she's telling them...
Hang in there. Respect your elders. Words can hurt. Not to be grim but none of us will live forever. One day all of this will be cherished memories...

I am at a breaking point... I want/ NEED to move out, but I am a student and Im not working b/c of my class schedule(im looking) and Im stuck...until I graduate next year...but I don't know how much more I can take...
Surely you can make it for 12 more months? It's already been 3 years. Don't let your emotions control you ok?

I just lost my maternal grandmother and I feel like Im losing another one...
Sorry for your loss...
I need relief from retired, old ladies who have nothing more to do than to meddle and gossip...how do I address this issue without out going off?
Anytime you share info with ppl you have invited them into your business. That is not meddling. Maybe you can arrange a time to tell your grandmother how her words make you feel and to talk about your future plans together. I'm sure she has some knowledge from life you will find relevant. When is the last time you told them/ showed them how much you appreciate them? That can go miles for softening a hard heart. A big part of you growing into an adult is knowing when to let things (even unfair or untrue things) roll down your back like water on a duck and choosing how to say/ convey your feelings. Again, I commend you for even posting.
I want to tell them that my b.f. is not to blame, Im not my aunt, Im me...and I am tired of constantly hearing how much of a disappoinment I am, that Im stupid, a whore, depressed, crazy, and more...:wallbash:

Every argument... my b.f. comes up and it's his fault that Im like this...OMG,
Once again. I guarantee you she is afraid of something she has not articulated.
Ultimately, I know that they want whats best for me, but they sure have a helluva way of expressing it.
Yep. That's it in a nutshell.:yep:

HELP! HELP! HELP!
Click to expand...

Different things work for different ppl. I would not like it if my relative was involved at 22 with someone his age either but that is JMHO.
Hang in there. You will be fine...:yep: Best wishes!!
 
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Well I see why your grandmother doesn't like him. You're right, you can't live your life trying to please your family, but you do need to pick your battles and set priorities. If this relationship is causing so much discord in your life, it may be best that you let it go.

Is there anything else "undesirable" about him that may cause them to dislike him?
 
Okay, I think your grandmother is being a little extra... I can relate because my mom can kinda get like that... and my mom is older, so I know that older black women can get on some illogical nonsense. YOU will be the one with the attitude, even if they're calling you every name in the book, but if you say anything back, you're acting "crazy" and "disrespectful." So grandma is definitely out of pocket.

However...

As long as you are living at home, you can't fully live this adult life and expect grandma to just be like, "whatever." If you are under her roof, she really can say and do whatever she wants. If you want to have some privacy in your relationships, you need your own place. I'm sure there's some cheap student housing you can find if you make this decision. Otherwise, there's nothing you can do regarding your grandmother's behavior.

Also, I would probably be a little salty too about some 33-year-old man dating my granddaughter. He can't find anyone in his own age range to date? He has to date college girls? What does he do for a living? I hope that by 33 he is well-established in whatever he does, has his own place, car, etc., and is bringing a LOT to the table... young women should not trade their youth and promise on an older man who can't make her life better and be an addition to her life... if your man is cutting up and is lagging behind (you didn't say this, but I'm getting that sense), then you're getting a bad trade-off for what you bring to the relationship. And I hate to say it, but a man of that age who's dating a girl still in college doesn't often have a ton going for him... not always, but often, many.

It's your life though, so the main thing is that if you want some peace and to continue this relationship, you need to move out.
 
Admittedly, I didn't read the whole stimulus...but, I agree with one of the posters above, if your family doesn't like him, he's probably the wrong one.

I also agree that 33 and 22 is a large age gap. My 20 yo cousin was getting hit on hard by a 29 year old dude. I was ready to go to war with him...there's not much a man that old wants from someone that young, imo.
 
I have nothing other than to say continue to be polite and patient with them. Always respectful. I would, however, listen to their critique of him and be 100% honest if they have a point. I have always been a list lover - take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. One side is his faults and the other his good points. No excuses. Write it down and put the paper aside and come back to it 1 week later.


I have no issue with the age difference since I met DH when I was 17 and he was 28. It all depends on the maturity. At 17 I had already been living on my own and working for over a year and was entering college. DH was no loser on the hunt. It all depends on the individual. I moved back in with my dad shortly after meeting DH and dad did not like him at all. I was patient and did not get into any arguments with him about that (other things yes that no). 5 years later we got married and every one loves him now. It just takes time. PS we have been together 20 years now.
 
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Becauseeee you NEVER will please him. Sounds like he is running game on you because you are young and impressionable. Love is not running hoops and hurdles to please someone

Sorry I dont' like him either. Sounds like he is running game. I don't have a problem with the age thing just the maturity factor on his part I have a problem with




naturallgurl said:
i cant live my life trying to please them...
Click to expand...
 
Just to add...I know the age difference is a lot...I used to be one of those ppl who had a strict limit (no more than 3 years older) when I told my gma about him...SHE is the one who encouraged me to do it!

And I always attract older men...it used to bother me, but I am an old woman trapped in a young person's body. Growing up I had to deal with adult situations. The average person my age is out partying, clubbing, and whatever...I hate the club! A few of my friends are older too.
 
naturallgurl said:
Just to add...I know the age difference is a lot...I used to be one of those ppl who had a strict limit (no more than 3 years older) when I told my gma about him...SHE is the one who encouraged me to do it!

And I always attract older men...it used to bother me, but I am an old woman trapped in a young person's body. Growing up I had to deal with adult situations. The average person my age is out partying, clubbing, and whatever...I hate the club! A few of my friends are older too.
Click to expand...

You could date someone around 27-28 and it could be a better match. That's 5-6 years older, but still in your general life experience range, especially with you still being in school

What is this particular man you're dating bringing to the table that's much better than what you would get otherwise?
 
Is this the first boyfriend your family has disliked, or do they tend to dislike all of them? If it's the former, I think you should move onto the next guy. I've been in a relationship where the family didn't like me and where my family didn't like him, and it ended up being too much stress on the relationship.

It can also lead you to feel like you have to choose one or the other, which can lead to guilt/resentment/whathaveyou.
 
I agree that you should probably move out if you do not want the influence of your family, however you are the only grandchild and the youngest member of your family. You come from a very small family with lots of love and support and you should not take that for granted.

Sidenote, I notice that men tend to listen to the insight of their family more than woman and there is something to be said for that.
I would used it as leverage in relationships if were you because any man that you date should be aware that you come from a loving home that wants the best for you and he should not feel threatened by this.

I'm sure your family is looking out for your best interest and maybe see things in your relationship that you may not.
 
It has been my experience that if the family dislikes the boyfriend, they have valid reasons. Please be careful and don't allow your judgment to be cloudy. Your peeps just may see something that you don't.
 
ditto the above. Also check deep inside your heart. Is there anything you are not admitting to yourself. Where do you really think your future will be with this guy?....you said your self he's not perfect. does he treat you way you deserve? Are you just putting up with it?....I think you mentioned something about living with it.

In my college years I went through a similar thing and wanted to get married to the guy. It was a tempestous relationship. I hoped it would change and we could work it out. But deep down I knew it would always be the same if not worse.


Personally I always think that family are very important and would never really want to lose my family over a guy. Although love can make us do the most extreme things....like eloping...nearly been there.

I would keep my family on side and follow your instinct with the relationship. Sometimes following your heart can be the wrong choice. You're still young and got a lot of life to live(IJN) and your family love you even though they may not show it in the way you expect. They care about your wellbeing. Sometimes when you are doing things that they think is harming you, they get mad when you don't take their advice. They may feel that you are deliberately trying to hurt them. Trust me, I'm a mum, I know.
 
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Lesson learned - You can't go telling your fam/friends about the bad things your SO does and when things "get better" expect them to be cool with him all of a sudden. I agree with the other poster(s), it's time to move out. Can you live on campus?
 
There is no way I could handle my 22 year old in my house who I am financially taking care of still go out and date a 33 yo who is only a bf and also listen to you complain about this person and hear your terrible arguments with him.

It may not be fair but you are expecting quite a bit from your family, particularly women who are ole skool. They are in the wrong for the comments but when someone is financially taking care of you please be prepared to deal with their responses, especially if they hear you arguing with this guy.

I am not sure we have all the facts but just based on what you are telling us the only way to make this go away is to find your own place or get rid of the bf.

In the future, please be very careful of what you tell others about your love interest because family and close friends tends to become territorial and protective when one of their own is being hurt by someone else.
 
naturallgurl said:
Im 22 and he is 33 years old
Click to expand...
I see why your family doesn't like him per se. I believe if he was around the same age as you within 1 to 2 years, they wouldn't have a problem. Also your grandmother is seeing it like this....

"If he really loves my precious grandchild, he should be coming over to see her at a reasonable time and in a reasonable manner."

"I don't want my grandchild to be sleeping with some man that's old enough to be my son."

"What is this 33 year old man doing arguing with my precious grandchild?"

Your grandmother is not being judgmental per se, she is just going by what she sees and hears from you. If you are telling her about him when he "cuts up", of course she is going to give you her opinion and advice. What do you expect? For her to excuse and condone what he does when he "cuts up"? Plus, has your family ever met him yet?

And when your grandmother compares you to your aunt or calls you names like stupid, whore, etc., she may just be giving you more light on the situation and trying to make you think about your actions.

Think about it....

Wouldn't you like for a man to come over your place or even come pick you up and take you out?

Wouldn't you like to feel comfortable being out and about with a man without worrying what others would think because of his age?

Wouldn't you like to be able to do things with him without hiding it from your family?

Wouldn't you like for him to stop "cutting up", whatever he's doing to cut up and you have to tell your grandmother about it?

Wouldn't you like to have a man that doesn't argue with you all the time? That would be a headache.

But if you feel the need for more freedom and want to move out, be careful about your decision. Don't do this all for the sake of this man that you are dating.
 
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naturallgurl said:
i cant live my life trying to please them...
Click to expand...

You're right. You can date whomever you want. It's your life. It's good to see that you still show respect even though you feel you may not be receiving it. If he's not the one for you, you'll see in the end. The only way to solve this would be to move out or keep to yourself.

That's your Grandma though so I wouldn't say anything to jeopardize the relationship.
 
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