When Your Children Hate Your Partner.

G

Ganjababy

Well-Known Member
someone I know is going through hell because the kids do not like the new partner. The new partner has been around for 5-6 years now and all seems well to the outside world but there have been cracks and it came out that they hate the new step parent.

Girl 15, boys 11 and 9.

I Always blame the step parent. I always think that unless the kids are preteen-teenagers, if you are a good step parent and their are no meddling ex in the background sabotaging the relationship. It is usually the step parents fault. Like they did not do enough to make the child feel comfortable with them and the situation. Though I believe there are exceptions, I think this is usually the case. Though I know I may be wrong because I have never been in this situation except as the child and this may have coloured my opinions.

Custody is split 50/50. Two toddlers were added so the adults added 2 kids after these 3 kids.

The first marriage ended because one spouse cheated and is now living with the person they cheated. The cheating parent is not the parent I am discussing in this thread. The new step parent came on the scene after the divorce.

Thoughts on this? Including my opinion about the step parent?
 
I blame the cheating parent. If they had not been so selfish and cheated, then this divorce may never have happened. Now the kids are suffering because of the choice that they made. The innocent parent is also suffering because they were left with no choice but to move on and find love again.

Kids will always love their bio parents no matter how awful they are especially if they have been kept in the dark as to why their parents divorced.
 
The step parent could be doing everything right and the kids still hate them. How is that the step parents fault? There was a poster here who has a step daughter who is an adult now and their relationship is not close. From her posts she has been a good parent to this girl and the girl just never responded to her the way she had hoped. And it made her sad a little. How would this be her fault?

Kids are never privy to exactly what happened between their parents. They will fill in the blanks and because of that their feelings toward the new husband/wife will always be biased through no fault of the step parent.
 
I have been in this situation as the step parent. Circumstances differ from one family to the next. Multiple people tend to be involved, family dynamics play a part, etc... It's not always the step parent and its not always the bio parent. There are many different factors involved that determines the relationships in blended families.
 
KammyGirl said:
The step parent could be doing everything right and the kids still hate them. How is that the step parents fault? There was a poster here who has a step daughter who is an adult now and their relationship is not close. From her posts she has been a good parent to this girl and the girl just never responded to her the way she had hoped. And it made her sad a little. How would this be her fault?

Kids are never privy to exactly what happened between their parents. They will fill in the blanks and because of that their feelings toward the new husband/wife will always be biased through no fault of the step parent.
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I think you may be talking about me. If so, thank you.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
But if your kids hate everybody you date are you supposed to stay alone forever?
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If your kids hate everybody then it's still your fault. It's your job to teach them that everything ain't gonna happen their way and every opinion isn't theirs to have. When they're grown and out of the house they can behave however they want. Until then the fear of consequences and the consciousness of respect for adults needs to be instilled in them to a point where they know how to be quiet and suck it up. Moreover if you know your kids are intolerable and don't like anybody then yes, if it comes down to it, your love life needs to be put on ice. They're still your kids and your responsibility.
 
The first marriage ended because one spouse cheated and is now living with the person they cheated. The cheating parent is not the parent I am discussing in this thread. The new step parent came on the scene after the divorce.


Do the children feel the same way about both step parents? Because if they like/love the cheating parent's spouse and don't like the non cheating parent's spouse, it could be the step parents fault. But if they dislike both step parents, then they are hurting because of the divorce.
 
When my daughters father and I split up she had just turned 14. We decided that there were not going to be any step parents in her life because we didn't think it was fair to her. We both dated others and she was aware of it and she never met nor was around anyone that we dated. Til this day she has never met anyone that I have been involved with nor anyone her fathers has dated except her half brother's mother and they have never been involved with each other.
 
ommns said:
The first marriage ended because one spouse cheated and is now living with the person they cheated. The cheating parent is not the parent I am discussing in this thread. The new step parent came on the scene after the divorce.


Do the children feel the same way about both step parents? Because if they like/love the cheating parent's spouse and don't like the non cheating parent's spouse, it could be the step parents fault. But if they dislike both step parents, then they are hurting because of the divorce.
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I disagree with this only because usually the spouse forced to make a decision because of being mistreated (like being cheated on) is often the one who takes the brunt of the children's attitude/behavior. They are always the bad guy. Example: The husband cheats, wife kicks him out and the children end up hating the mother because she kicked their father out. Therefore nothing she does is right and they will hate anyone they think she is using to replace their father. Meanwhile they feel bad for their father (even though he is the "bad guy" in the situation) Children just don't understand most of the time and their feelings about the situation are usually distorted in some way.
 
I have no desire for a blended family because of this. There’s always so mich drama and you can rarely blame just one person. Feelings are what they are. You can blame someone for how he or she behaves but not for how she feels.

We all have personalities, likes and dislikes. So it’s kind of unfair to expect kids are going to like a man because you do. And not only like this person now but have to take orders from the person, live with him and now he is more important than they are. The hierachy is natural in bio families and upside down in blended families.

You basically would hate to be forced to share your life with a man you did not want to be with. But somehow we expect kids to get over it. The most you can ask of them is to behave well and be respectful.
 
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Thump said:
When my daughters father and I split up she had just turned 14. We decided that there were not going to be any step parents in her life because we didn't think it was fair to her. We both dated others and she was aware of it and she never met nor was around anyone that we dated. Til this day she has never met anyone that I have been involved with nor anyone her fathers has dated except her half brother's mother and they have never been involved with each other.
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I think that is mature. And it is great both of you were on the same page.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
But if your kids hate everybody you date are you supposed to stay alone forever?
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You don’t have to stay alone forever, but you need to weigh whether being alone is worse for you than dealing with the drama of a blended marriage.

From what I have seen of the blended marriages in my family, I would not be interested in marrying a guy with kids unless his kids were grown and gone.
Mu kids would need to be grown and gone too.

For my in-laws they have been married DECADES and his bio kids still resent him for leaving. His stepkids hated him until they moved out. My MIL is constantly butting heads with his kids and vice versa.

My dad’s kids from his first marriage hate my mom and siblings even though they were adults when my dad married my mom. To this day they have nothing to do with me.

I have some friends who have “successfull” blended families but there is still fighting and resentment.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
But if your kids hate everybody you date are you supposed to stay alone forever?
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No, but maybe you don't have to live with someone. A relationship can work even though you don't have the same address. One of my good friends did just that. She kept her place, he kept his place. She didn't want any new man to live with her son. Of course this works better in Sweden, where most divorced people have the every-other-week-setup. They are child free every other week after their divorce. Then you have a whole week to spend with your new boo and be mommy to your kids the week after.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I’m not sure how old you are but my rule of thumb whether I got along with a man’s children or not was jr high or older and if it seemed likely they would leave home for college. There was only so much of a prison sentence of step mothering I was prepared to do. That may be a negative way of looking at it but oh well.
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Families full of blood relatives are going to have drama so it’s unreasonable to not expect some conflict when it comes to a blended family. That said there’s got to be a line in the sand where both the bio parent and prospective step parent agree is where ridiculous begins and ends and work to keeping the family unit on the right side.

Step kids are not required to like a step parent but they can’t be allowed to act a fool and if they do get it unde control immediately. When reading the OP about how it’s always the step parents fault I was thinking about the black girl on Dr Drew who put nair in her stepmothers conditioner and was sitting on the show smirking. The bio mother was sitting right next to her with a blank face when the lie detector results came in which tells a lot of the story.
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On the same page with the bold. I think that’s a practical way of looking at things and I’m trying to be practical. Forty is a few months away and at this point in my life, I want as little drama as possible. His older child is fine, but the little one is easily influenced by her bio mom who is not happy that he’s moved on (and with a black woman no less).

I’m just trying to sort out what’s best and realistic for me and my son without resorting to a pros and cons list and without saying screw it all I’ll just stay single. :lachen:
 
Browndilocks said:
If your kids hate everybody then it's still your fault. It's your job to teach them that everything ain't gonna happen their way and every opinion isn't theirs to have. When they're grown and out of the house they can behave however they want. Until then the fear of consequences and the consciousness of respect for adults needs to be instilled in them to a point where they know how to be quiet and suck it up. Moreover if you know your kids are intolerable and don't like anybody then yes, if it comes down to it, your love life needs to be put on ice. They're still your kids and your responsibility.
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THIS.
 
kinchen said:
I had a legitimate reason for hating my stepfather but no one ever cared to ask why. Still don’t. I will never be a part of a blended family.
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I'm sorry that happened to you. Some adult in the equation even if it wasn't your parents should have been doing a regular "thermometer check" with you, especially in a situation where an unrelated man moved in a house with girl children. Although :censored: happens across the board there's higher likelihood of certain situations going left quick.

A child being in fear of an outsider is different than a child not liking someone on gp.
 
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