BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
Quite possible but I think that'd be more common with older kids, especially since they now have half siblings. I'd think that'd soften them. I think kids are great judges of character, in general, though so I'm biased.
When Your Children Hate Your Partner.
- Thread starter Ganjababy
- Start date
Quite possible but I think that'd be more common with older kids, especially since they now have half siblings. I'd think that'd soften them. I think kids are great judges of character, in general, though so I'm biased.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
OP said that 2 toddlers were "added". What does that mean? Whose kids are those? Plus the relationship is nowhere near new if its been going on for 5 years, so what's the real issue?
crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
They had two together after the three older kids I thought..
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
...............
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Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
I feel like kids know who they can play that mess with. Your mother was probably kind to a fault and older kid took full advantage.
giigii613
Well-Known Member
When it comes to stepparents I think it's a partnership between the Parent, Step parent & child to help the child with the transition and help them think through what their actual problem is with the new parent.
I absolutely HATED my stepfather when he came in the picture. I was 5 at the time of his arrival but my mother had been dating him for a little over a year before she introduced him to me and my brother. Shortly after he came into our life they were engaged to be married and I was not having it. My father was nowhere to be found but he was not on my mind when it came to not liking my stepfather. I was selfish and a complete momma's girl. I was used to having my mother to myself and I didn't want our relationship/life to change.
It was not until years later that our relationship improved. I recall one pivotal conversation with my stepfather (who I now call my father) where he acknowledged my love for my mother and how he was not there to change our relationship but he loved my mother as well. He told me something to the effect of...you're not going to always be with your mother one day you will grow up leave the nest and build a life of your own but that does not mean she (my mother) should be alone and have no one to love and take care of her. He pulled my card constantly and while we bunted heads a lot in the end he represented the type of man that should be the head of a household.
Our relationship didn't go from hate to love with one conversation. It was years of commitment to being consistent, having hard conversations, and truly treating/claiming me as his child.
I absolutely HATED my stepfather when he came in the picture. I was 5 at the time of his arrival but my mother had been dating him for a little over a year before she introduced him to me and my brother. Shortly after he came into our life they were engaged to be married and I was not having it. My father was nowhere to be found but he was not on my mind when it came to not liking my stepfather. I was selfish and a complete momma's girl. I was used to having my mother to myself and I didn't want our relationship/life to change.
It was not until years later that our relationship improved. I recall one pivotal conversation with my stepfather (who I now call my father) where he acknowledged my love for my mother and how he was not there to change our relationship but he loved my mother as well. He told me something to the effect of...you're not going to always be with your mother one day you will grow up leave the nest and build a life of your own but that does not mean she (my mother) should be alone and have no one to love and take care of her. He pulled my card constantly and while we bunted heads a lot in the end he represented the type of man that should be the head of a household.
Our relationship didn't go from hate to love with one conversation. It was years of commitment to being consistent, having hard conversations, and truly treating/claiming me as his child.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
I really hate the term step parent.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Why? It's what they are. It's not derogatory.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
For me the thought of being one feels derogatory (look at these stories) so maybe that's it.
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intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
This is my worse nightmare and I would probably deserve it for the way I treated the man I refer to as my dad now as an adult (never to him though I'm sure he would've loved that), but he's my stepdad. He wasn't perfect at all, but he tried to protect and provide, as well as, made sure I always felt like his kid. In some ways, he was better to me than his own children. There was nothing he could have done to make me be nice to him when I didn't want to be nice to him. I was too smart for my own good, so I knew just how far to go 90% of the time.
My exSOs kids were sweet as pie, but most 4 year old and 9 year old boys are sweet......I certainly thought about 5 or 10 years down the road.
It would definitely sadden me to help raise them, love them and contribute to their life being better only for them to reach adulthood and shut me out or hate me. Ugh. Just the thought. I mean I know kids who do this to this actual parents..but still....
Re:OP
Now that they've added 2 more kids, time for some family therapy. Do they expect for their mom to leave their stepdad?
My exSOs kids were sweet as pie, but most 4 year old and 9 year old boys are sweet......I certainly thought about 5 or 10 years down the road.
It would definitely sadden me to help raise them, love them and contribute to their life being better only for them to reach adulthood and shut me out or hate me. Ugh. Just the thought. I mean I know kids who do this to this actual parents..but still....
Re:OP
Now that they've added 2 more kids, time for some family therapy. Do they expect for their mom to leave their stepdad?
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FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
Isn't it? The term "evil stepmother" is universal. I guess I've never heard "evil stepfather".
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Yeah but that’s a trope. Stepparent/stepmother/stepfather is the actual term. It’s not inherently negative in and of itself.
If I married a man with kids. I’d have no issue being referred to as the stepmother. It’s what I would be.
momi
Well-Known Member
I feel the same for some reason that I can't really explain.
When my mother married ( I was a teen mind you) her husband never referred to me as his "step-daughter". I was always included in the count and introduced as a daughter and to this day I am his "daughter". He's never treated me any different than his other children. My mother has passed away but we remain extremely close and talk several times a week.
I feel like referring to a child as a "step" starts the relationship on a negative footing.
guyaneseyankee
Well-Known Member
I would never suggest a young person to get involved with someone who has children with another. You are begging for drama.
However, I do understand the world we live in makes it almost impossible to meet someone without children. With that being said, it is the responsibility of the biological parents to raise and discipline their children even if they are not in a relationship together
When a "step parent" enters the equation, he or she (if they want a relationship ) will do any and everything to put their best foot forward to get the child to like and accept them. If they don't, they ain't worth the salt. If they do, and it's still met with resistance, choices need to be made. 1. Have the bio parent put the child in his/her place 2. leave the new relationship 3. have an existing toxic blended "family" YOU CHOOSE
All be it, this shouldn't pose an issue as young kids are unconditional with their love
Teenagers? humph!!!! Personalities have already formed.
My mentor teaches that blended families should be one big happy family. I haven't arrived there yet.
I for one, cannot sing that song as my "step children" are 19 and 15. And do not live in MY HOUSE or come over when I'm there
But I do know that it causes a strain on my relationship between me and my husband .
However, I do understand the world we live in makes it almost impossible to meet someone without children. With that being said, it is the responsibility of the biological parents to raise and discipline their children even if they are not in a relationship together
When a "step parent" enters the equation, he or she (if they want a relationship ) will do any and everything to put their best foot forward to get the child to like and accept them. If they don't, they ain't worth the salt. If they do, and it's still met with resistance, choices need to be made. 1. Have the bio parent put the child in his/her place 2. leave the new relationship 3. have an existing toxic blended "family" YOU CHOOSE
All be it, this shouldn't pose an issue as young kids are unconditional with their love
Teenagers? humph!!!! Personalities have already formed.
My mentor teaches that blended families should be one big happy family. I haven't arrived there yet.
I for one, cannot sing that song as my "step children" are 19 and 15. And do not live in MY HOUSE or come over when I'm there
But I do know that it causes a strain on my relationship between me and my husband .
Yes especially the older child who remembers exactly what happened.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
Amen. And this goes for older people as well. I could never be anyone's step mom. I just don't have it in me. I have my own child and if I ever meet someone new, he'd have to have no children or grown children. I'm not living with anyone else's children, period.
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
I think it’s unlikely your stepchildren would live with you as mothers tend to be the custodial parents unless you’re talking about weekends and extended visits over the summer or spring break. I get it though. I think most people feel this way until they meet someone who makes them reconsider.
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
My ex had his kids 2-3 weeks a month. As nervous as I am about being a "stepmom", I don't think I would seriously date a man who was only a weekend, summers and spring break daddy. That is a bit too hands off for me and frankly, I'd put him in the bad dad category. I like the fact that my ex lived minutes from the kids school just like his ex-wife did. They both can take them to school or pick them up.
This has happened to me and it sucks. Its beyond hurtful.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Maynnnnnnnn.....good friggin luck. I didn't realize until a few days ago that Oprah is a stepmother. I always thought it was odd that Steadman would be cool in a relationship for 30 years with no kids but duh, he already had it out of the way before he met O.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
IME I'd say 70/30 with 70% no kids. I will say though that I live in a highly superficial city and work in an extremely superficial industry. Often one of the sacrifices is family. People ain't tryina give up their lifestyle for parenthood. I'm sure the odds are lower in other places.
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
I'm sorry.
I know it has to be hard. Its hard for me and I wasn't in their lives long enough to raise them into adulthood.I've been going through waves of sadness missing the kids...maybe even more than him. I have so many pictures on my phone of the boys making funny faces, videoing themselves on my phone, etc. I miss them and the fact their dad can just be like...aiiiight I'm done *sigh* anyway.....its just painful. I know I would be suffering if it happened much later. I'm so very sorry and send you hugs and strength as you manage the pain of this.
I know several black men without kids and over 35 or pushing 35. All of them are anti commitment though. You need to be ok with a situationship at best. they are also ambivalent or solid nah on kids. I don't know a single black man without kids over 35 that would want a girl friend, let alone get married. Two of these men are good friends of mine and have steady rotation of women just hoping to #getchose. They are straight out of the Ralph Richards Banks book and will prattle on and on about marriage not meaning anything.
3 of my cousins who don't have kids and maybe will commit to you, but won't marry you. They also arent good men or good providers and 2/3 are probably waiting for their mom to die to cash in.
So yeah....its not hard. They just fall in 3 categories: 1. aint worth crap, 2. think they walk on water because they made it 30/40 without stray babies and have an education or commitment phobes.
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
Did they get married?
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
You know what, you right, they are not married. I got ahead of myself. The article I saw was titled "Oprah became a grandmother" when Steadman's daughter had a baby and I was like
momi
Well-Known Member
I'm sorry.
I've been going through waves of sadness missing the kids...maybe even more than him. I have so many pictures on my phone of the boys making funny faces, videoing themselves on my phone, etc. I miss them and the fact their dad can just be like...aiiiight I'm done *sigh* anyway.....its just painful. I know I would be suffering if it happened much later. I'm so very sorry and send you hugs and strength as you manage the pain of this.
I know several black men without kids and over 35 or pushing 35. All of them are anti commitment though. You need to be ok with a situationship at best. they are also ambivalent or solid nah on kids. I don't know a single black man without kids over 35 that would want a girl friend, let alone get married. Two of these men are good friends of mine and have steady rotation of women just hoping to #getchose. They are straight out of the Ralph Richards Banks book and will prattle on and on about marriage not meaning anything.
3 of my cousins who don't have kids and maybe will commit to you, but won't marry you. They also arent good men or good providers and 2/3 are probably waiting for their mom to die to cash in.
So yeah....its not hard. They just fall in 3 categories: 1. aint worth crap, 2. think they walk on water because they made it 30/40 without stray babies and have an education or commitment phobes.
Mercy.
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
I'm sure there are exceptions, but I just don't know any. I have a beautiful bestfriend Id love to set up...heck now I'm single...I would love to snatch one up for myself. I just can't. They're not serious about anything, but themselves.
I work in STEM. If they aren't married and they're black, it's for a reason....usually a good one. Many will settle down into a baby and/or marry when their penis stop working or they get sick.....but much later than their black female counterparts can wait.
I was reading The Coli last night and I swear so many of those guys could be my colleagues of the past.
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
Meh. It could be the opposite. My dad tried to make me call my stepmother "mom" right off the bat which felt weird cause I had a mother. I think somewhere deep down, he was trying to correct the fact that his family was nuclear by pretending his new woman was my mother. Nah.
When he introduces his stepdaughter to people, I see the slight bewilderment in their eyes cause she clearly looks nothing like him but I do. Especially with family cause everyone knows he only has one child. They do that calculation look then figure it out and smile, lol.
I'm all for treating people equally in a blended family but call a spade a spade. It only becomes an ugly thing if you allow it to be. Maybe if people with positive blended family experiences used the "step" terms, it'd get better PR?
momi
Well-Known Member
When they first married I treated him like trash. I wasn't disrespectful but I certainly wasn't in agreement with their union. He finally won me over with love, time and consistency. Maybe the positive stories could change the narrative, but honestly both parties have to be pretty unselfish and willing to put in plenty of work - I don't find most people are willing to put that much of themselves on the back burner so everyone suffers... especially the children who usually end up as casualties. Now I'm sad.
BEAUTYU2U
Well-Known Member
True. People are inherently selfish and struggle to put their mates first. Let alone, mates and their kids. Logically I think we feel most people should be able to handle it but people have to know their limitations too.
