When Spouse Wants To Select The Car You Drive

[Transformer]

Dear Carolyn: The first brand-new car I ever bought, my boyfriend (now husband), helped me pick out. He’s really into cars and knew a lot more than I did at the time. He pretty much picked out the car and I agreed to it. Over the years I came to realize it wasn’t really my first choice.

It’s time for me to get a new car again. We keep our finances separate and each contribute a set amount to our joint checking and joint savings/investments. I’ve been saving, separately, and I have enough to put a pretty big down payment and finance the rest for only a year or two.
My husband started showing me his ideas on what car I should buy, but I told him I want to do this on my own. I want to do my own research, take test drives on my own, basically I want to buy the car without his help. To my surprise, he’s really upset about this. He told me he feels rejected and hurt and thinks I will get taken advantage of.

My job includes negotiating with vendors so that’s ridiculous. He has bought two new cars since we’ve been together and I’ve never been consulted on them — which was fine but now it’s my turn, I think. I just want to pick my own car — is that so much to ask? What can I say to my husband to help him understand where I’m coming from?
— Unreasonable?


Unreasonable?: Oh for fox’s sake, no, it’s not unreasonable for you to pick out the car you will be driving.
So: “This is the car I will be driving. I decide whether I like driving it.”
He has expertise in cars, but you have expertise in you. You win. Don’t explain it beyond one final, “My car, my choice.” The taken-advantage-of part, well, I could go off on multiple rants there, but I won’t, except to say it’s about his spinning things to his advantage at your expense to maintain control over you. Hold firm. I hope he won’t pout for too long.

 

[dancinstallion]

Omg why are men like this? They are such brats. Dh said the same thing and pouted for days/weeks when I finally picked my own car. Then he got upset when I told him I didn't like the way he drives my car (cuz I have to charge it more often) he vowed to never drive my car again so everytime we went somewhere I had to drive. That lasted for about 2 months.
When he buys a car yes he asks me what I think and we will test drive it. but at that point he usually has his mind made up and I don't really care.

 

[Transformer]

ONE of the worst car buying experience is when Hubby takes me to a BMW showroom, then precedes to place a custom order for a BMW despite me telling him I hate BMWs. He says”you’ll like it when it comes.” He even orders the “racing package” like I would want that on ANY car. Avoiding a fight at the dealership, I waited two days before cancelling the order.

That “drove” me to select a car that I liked but didn’t love to stop his interference.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

There is a middle ground. I value my husband's opinion. But I get the final say. Period.

 

[Transformer]

There is a middle ground. I value my husband's opinion. But I get the final say. Period.

Not with most men. Asking for advice is agreeing to go with their decision.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Men are weird creatures. Asserting authority while demonstrating fragility over the most mundane things.

 

[LivingInPeace]

This seems odd to me. I don’t ever remember hearing about a husband feeling like he has to control what his wife drives.

 

[Evolving78]

Not with most men. Asking for advice is agreeing to go with their decision.

They see you asking for advice as you needing them to fix your problem. You are seen as incompetent if you come to them, but if you don’t come to them, they feel left out and you get labeled too independent.

 

[Transformer]

This seems odd to me. I don’t ever remember hearing about a husband feeling like he has to control what his wife drives.

Really. EVERY SINGLE TIME I’ve gone to purchase a car it turns into the Battle of the Roses. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Really. EVERY SINGLE TIME I’ve gone to purchase a car it turns into the Battle of the Roses. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I just don't understand why his concerns would go beyond safety and price. That's odd. Hope it all works out for you.

 

[Transformer]

I just don't understand why his concerns would go beyond safety and price. That's odd. Hope it all works out for you.

It’s a control thing. I’ve posted before about Hubby’s purchase of the Mercedes S-Class AMG—a vehicle that had a sticker price of 185k. He bought it without any input from me and he was THRILLED. I then go to purchase an Audi A4 Allroad which I had to factory order. He clowned for 5 days and tried to talk me into the Audi Q7. I told him if he liked the Q7 so much why don’t he buy it—-he did. I didn’t buy the A4 and instead purchased ANOTHER Lexus. I drove the AMG a grand total of 4 times —mainly to aggravate him. I’ve driven the Q7 about the same number of times. He clowned again in 2020 when I bought a Volvo and I think he was secretly glad it got totaled. When I went to replace the Volvo this year he was in his clowning mode. Tried really, really, hard to get me to purchase an Mercedes GLE 350 or 450. I got MAD AGAIN, and drove directly to Lexus and purchased a Lexus on the showroom floor that I didn’t test drive.

 

[LivingInPeace]

It’s a control thing. I’ve posted before about Hubby’s purchase of the Mercedes S-Class AMG—a vehicle that had a sticker price of 185k. He bought it without any input from me and he was THRILLED. I then go to purchase an Audi A4 Allroad which I had to factory order. He clowned for 5 days and tried to talk me into the Audi Q7. I told him if he liked the Q7 so much why don’t he buy it—-he did. I didn’t buy the A4 and instead purchased ANOTHER Lexus. I drove the AMG a grand total of 4 times —mainly to aggravate him. I’ve driven the Q7 about the same number of times. He clowned again in 2020 when I bought a Volvo and I think he was secretly glad it got totaled. When I went to replace the Volvo this year he was in his clowning mode. Tried really, really, hard to get me to purchase an Mercedes GLE 350 or 450. I got MAD AGAIN, and drove directly to Lexus and purchased a Lexus on the showroom floor that I didn’t test drive.

You know. Now that I really think about it, your husband reminds me of a male family member. It is definitely about control. In this person’s case, he has to research and purchase all electronic and computer equipment for his family. Even computers and gadgets he won’t be using. I had forgotten about him because it’s so all encompassing. And everyone tiptoes around him and defers to his judgement to keep him happy or he’ll stop talking to you for weeks or years at a time.

 

[yaya24]

Men are weird creatures. Asserting authority while demonstrating fragility over the most mundane things.

Omg this is spot on!!!!!!

 

[MD_Lady]

Yikes. And Carolyn's response was spot on, IMO.