I’m His Partner But He Is Buying His Sister A Car

Serious question here: why does the sister not have to take any responsibility for her actions? So the spouse is petty/insecure/jealous but the sister, who from what we know is in a unsafe situation by choice, is worthy of a new car? Additionally, the spouse must be punished with the unsafe car while the sister gets the ugly car, to teach the spouse a lesson? Or she can just leave if she doesn’t like the outcome? Nah. Sister makes poor decisions and will continue to do so if people keep bailing her out. She’s in that hoopty cuz she wants to be. And she needs to be on a payment plan to get that money back to both of her siblings because she’s pulling from the pot
 
Those two brothers sound like good brothers in making sure their sister is covered. This partner sounds selfish and devisive. They are looking down on the sister's so called poor financial decisions, then why can't they afford to buy themselves a nice car as I am guessing their finances are on point.

This world is a cold place, if blood family cannot have your back (despite your past mistakes) who can.
 
kupenda said:
Serious question here: why does the sister not have to take any responsibility for her actions? So the spouse is petty/insecure/jealous but the sister, who from what we know is in a unsafe situation by choice, is worthy of a new car? Additionally, the spouse must be punished with the unsafe car while the sister gets the ugly car, to teach the spouse a lesson? Or she can just leave if she doesn’t like the outcome? Nah. Sister makes poor decisions and will continue to do so if people keep bailing her out. She’s in that hoopty cuz she wants to be. And she needs to be on a payment plan to get that money back to both of her siblings because she’s pulling from the pot
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Family business is family business. I am reasonably sure her brothers know her and her situation much better than the partner. So if they decide to provide for family they can. People can feel how they feel about it. I have one sibling who is objectively described as irresponsible. The rest of us are really responsible and she has a long list of "ways"but she ours and favor comes with that. So the thing about it is no matter what folks believe, think or feel when we do what we do for her, we know exactly what we are doing(and we are the most equipped to do it right). Don't nobody know what they believe about her as well as family is sure of about her. They can bless their sister of they want to. Don't get me wrong sometimes family really does enable family members (so that's a valid part of the discussion) but a lot of the time it's more to it than that and family is mitigating things that people looking in don't realize are part of the equation. Replacing an unsafe car doesn't strike me as spoiling and enabling especially when I know stuff like cosigning on one, always having to run someone back and forth, a car always in the shop, or someone asking you for bill money because they can't make it to work can be a much bigger headache. Sometimes a tool for them to help themselves is the best decision, even if someone with a "what about me?" attitude perceives that as a reward. Sometimes you have to take a minute to consider how bad off people have to be in order to be offered "help" they get.
 
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Lylddlebit said:
Family business is family business. I am reasonably sure her brothers know her and her situation much better than the partner. So if they decide to provide for family they can. People can feel how they feel about it. I have one sibling who is objectively described as irresponsible. The rest of us are really responsible and she has a long list of "ways"but she ours and favor comes with that. So the thing about it is no matter what folks believe, think or feel when we do what we do for her, we know exactly what we are doing(and we are the most equipped to do it right). Don't nobody know what they believe about her as well as family is sure of about her. They can bless their sister of they want to. Don't get me wrong sometimes family really does enable family members (so that's a valid part of the discussion) but a lot of the time it's more to it than that and family is mitigating things that people looking in don't realize are part of the equation. Replacing an unsafe car doesn't strike me as spoiling and enabling especially when I know stuff like cosigning on one, always having to run someone back and forth, a car always in the shop, or someone asking you for bill money because they can't make it to work can be a much bigger headache. Sometimes a tool for them to help themselves is the best decision, even if someone with a "what about me?" attitude perceives that as a reward. Sometimes you have to take a minute to consider how bad off people have to be in order to be offered "help" they get.
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I hear you. I am speaking from personal experience as the older sibling to someone who is overall irresponsible and has been enabled by everyone around them. My sibling is capable and quite honestly, a powerhouse. But my sibling is also an opportunist and a manipulator. Not a negative, just a fact. There’s no “down on my luck” issue. It’s an “I only think for right now” issue. Because others allow this behavior, it continues. Sibling has even flat out said that they know they’re getting over on others, but why step up and do better or use their own money when other people will pat them on the head and take care of things for them? So again I hear you. But I don’t respect it. Unless lil sis has a disability or is responsible but had a slip up, she needs to step up for herself and ask for reasonable help. A new car is not reasonable. She can have the unpretty car and partner can have a new (used, cuz new cars are a waste) car. Everyone wins
 
kupenda said:
Serious question here: why does the sister not have to take any responsibility for her actions? So the spouse is petty/insecure/jealous but the sister, who from what we know is in a unsafe situation by choice, is worthy of a new car? Additionally, the spouse must be punished with the unsafe car while the sister gets the ugly car, to teach the spouse a lesson? Or she can just leave if she doesn’t like the outcome? Nah. Sister makes poor decisions and will continue to do so if people keep bailing her out. She’s in that hoopty cuz she wants to be. And she needs to be on a payment plan to get that money back to both of her siblings because she’s pulling from the pot
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There is no spouse and the brothers wanted to do something nice. Nobody is getting punished. The boyfriend or girlfriend is just going to have to be good with his/her partner’s decision.
 
kupenda said:
I hear you. I am speaking from personal experience as the older sibling to someone who is overall irresponsible and has been enabled by everyone around them. My sibling is capable and quite honestly, a powerhouse. But my sibling is also an opportunist and a manipulator. Not a negative, just a fact. There’s no “down on my luck” issue. It’s an “I only think for right now” issue. Because others allow this behavior, it continues. Sibling has even flat out said that they know they’re getting over on others, but why step up and do better or use their own money when other people will pat them on the head and take care of things for them? So again I hear you. But I don’t respect it. Unless lil sis has a disability or is responsible but had a slip up, she needs to step up for herself and ask for reasonable help. A new car is not reasonable. She can have the unpretty car and partner can have a new (used, cuz new cars are a waste) car. Everyone wins
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but that’s not the case. Her brothers want to make sure their sister is straight. This isn’t about a manipulating family member.
 
Evolving78 said:
There is no spouse and the brothers wanted to do something nice. Nobody is getting punished. The boyfriend or girlfriend is just going to have to be good with his/her partner’s decision.
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ah yes. Apologies. Not the spouse. The person that provides everything to their partner except legal protection and benefits. The punishment comment was in response to a previous post
 
Evolving78 said:
but that’s not the case. Her brothers want to make sure their sister is straight. This isn’t about a manipulating family member.
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Is it about an irresponsible family member? Because that is what I was referring to. And the poster to whom I was actually speaking added more info implying I was making a decision without knowing anything about this kind of situation, which I responded to saying that I am currently in a similar situation. Respectfully, I was not responding to you or this particular persons feelings about their partners siblings. I was responding to a very specific post about a side situation.
 
kupenda said:
I hear you. I am speaking from personal experience as the older sibling to someone who is overall irresponsible and has been enabled by everyone around them. My sibling is capable and quite honestly, a powerhouse. But my sibling is also an opportunist and a manipulator. Not a negative, just a fact. There’s no “down on my luck” issue. It’s an “I only think for right now” issue. Because others allow this behavior, it continues. Sibling has even flat out said that they know they’re getting over on others, but why step up and do better or use their own money when other people will pat them on the head and take care of things for them? So again I hear you. But I don’t respect it. Unless lil sis has a disability or is responsible but had a slip up, she needs to step up for herself and ask for reasonable help. A new car is not reasonable. She can have the unpretty car and partner can have a new (used, cuz new cars are a waste) car. Everyone wins
Click to expand...


No argument from me. I hope I didn't give you the impression I would buy either one a car, that isn't the case(I put that in my original post but I took it out because I didn't want to be too wordy and make my point lose meaning). My comment was in reference as to the bolded question I answered. People know their family they respond to them in that context. This whole partner to sister comparison doesn't even make sense to me. If a person has a valid need for something that builds the case all on it's own. The "give that car... buy this car" isn't a level I would take it. If there is a need someone meets for someone that's it's own thing. A person should also treat positioning themselves to get their needs meet as it's own thing as that is stronger than comparisons and complaining. The sister may be irresponsible but she has something partner doesn't: efficiency at getting her needs met. Partner can take a page from that book and it's not in the"what about me?" chapter. It's in the "this is why he should" chapter.
 
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Lylddlebit said:
No argument from me. I hope I didn't give you the impression I would buy either one a car, that isn't the case(I put that in my original post but I took it out because I didn't want to be too wordy and make my point lose meaning). My comment was in reference as to the bolded question I answered. People know their family they respond to them in that context. This whole partner to sister comparison doesn't even make sense to me. If a person has a valid need for something that builds the case all on it's own. The give that car... buy this care isn't a level I would take it. If there is a need someone meets for someone that's it's own thing. A person should also treat positioning themselves to get their needs meet as it's own thing as that is stronger than comparisons and complaining. The sister may be irresponsible but she has something partner doesn't: efficiency at getting her needs met. Partner can take a page form that book and it's not in the"what about me?" chapter. Its in the "this is why you should" chapter.
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I think we agree on one thing: the sister needs a car. Absolutely
I am just thinking about the bigger picture, the long game. We are in agreement. As for efficiency at getting needs met, I’m not sure about that. I don’t get the impression that the partner asked for a better car. If so, and the partner declined, I still think the sisters need is stronger.
 
kupenda said:
Serious question here: why does the sister not have to take any responsibility for her actions? So the spouse is petty/insecure/jealous but the sister, who from what we know is in a unsafe situation by choice, is worthy of a new car? Additionally, the spouse must be punished with the unsafe car while the sister gets the ugly car, to teach the spouse a lesson? Or she can just leave if she doesn’t like the outcome? Nah. Sister makes poor decisions and will continue to do so if people keep bailing her out. She’s in that hoopty cuz she wants to be. And she needs to be on a payment plan to get that money back to both of her siblings because she’s pulling from the pot
Click to expand...

Yeah she's jealous cause her dude ain't getting her a car lol. How the dude deals with his sister shouldn't be new to her. Wild guess is this isn't the first time the sister "needed" something. It was probably all much smaller things but I guess the car cross the line because that's now something she wants.

She needs to find her a man that puts her in a new car top priority since she in such a funk about her crap car.
 
kupenda said:
Is it about an irresponsible family member? Because that is what I was referring to. And the poster to whom I was actually speaking added more info implying I was making a decision without knowing anything about this kind of situation, which I responded to saying that I am currently in a similar situation. Respectfully, I was not responding to you or this particular persons feelings about their partners siblings. I was responding to a very specific post about a side situation.
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It’s about a love partner feeling entitled about a brother helping his sibling out. They feel the sibling doesn’t deserve the type of help the brother has offered to his sister. They believe they should be gifted with a new car and not the sibling. To say if the sibling is financially irresponsible is something coming from the partner, which is questionable.
 
Stories like this annoy me. If the car is unsafe and the brothers are in a position to help their sister, then so be it. Would she rather the car let the sister go on the road or she get into an accident? The fact that the wife is annoyed because her car will now be the "older"/embarrassing one is selfish. So basically her husband can only help others if the help he gives doesn't result in that person having/getting something that is newer or better than what she has? Trash.
 
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Kurlee said:
Stories like this annoy me. If the car is unsafe and the brothers are in a position to help their sister, then so be it. Would she rather the car let the sister go on the road or she get into an accident. The fact that the wife is annoyed because her car will now be the "older"/embarrassing one is selfish. So basically her husband can only help others if the help he gives doesn't result in that person having/getting something that is newer or better than what she has? Trash.
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That is usually why they stay where they are though. When a person only knows how to complain and compare and not how to be happy for others or receive their own wonderful things they sabotage themselves.
 
Lylddlebit said:
That is usually why they stay where they are though. When a person only knows how to complain and compare and not how to be happy for others or receive their own wonderful things they sabotage themselves.
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It's just sad to me because they are supposed to be family. The wife seems like she wants the husband to validate/demonstrate her superior status and it's very silly. I wonder if the sister in law wasn't about to get a newer car, if she'd be pressed about the status of her own car? The fact that the car is unsafe to drive is enough to want to help/be empathetic, especially if SIL sister has kids and is driving them (her husband's nieces and nephews) around in it. My brain just can't process that kind of competitiveness/selfishness and real talk, the sister was there long before her and will most likely be there after her, too.
 
see above...
she should just pack it in


my guess is that the partner can't afford to help the sister on his own / is unwilling to which is why the other sibling is chipping in

he probably can't afford to get the car for the person complaining anyway, and his sibling doesn't have any obligation to...

she should just leave...
 
Dh and his brother did this for their sister about 12 years ago. Their sister's car kept stopping on her and she had 3 kids. Her husband wouldnt get the car fixed. So she kept complaining to dh and her other brother about it. They pitched in and got her a car to her husbands dismay. I was driving a newer used car at the time so I didnt mind.
I did wish I had brothers like dh and I wished my sister in law would have demanded her husband fix her car or get her a newer one.
 
People that feel that entitled or see a problem with someone helping a sibling out should find a relationship where they come first and only. I know I am close with my sibling and we are there for each other. I also have no issue with a spouse or a partner being there for their family. I am a family oriented person and couldn’t be with someone that isn’t.
This tells a lot about how people view family and shows their level of entitlement over what someone should do for them.
 
Theresamonet said:
Ain’t no period. lol Some “wife privileges” can be extended to girlfriends. It depends on the relationship. DH and I have only been married for 3 years, but I’ve been his #1 for quite a bit longer than that. A boyfriend who wouldn’t put me first in situations similar to this would never become my husband.
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Nah a girlfriend is a long-term woman with benefits. A girlfriend shouldn’t be treated like a wife. If she wants be a wife she needs to speak up and let that be known. She can get herself a new car if she wants one. Now if her boyfriend offers to get a her one great or he wants to help his lady out, cool. I wouldn’t put a boyfriend over my brother and he wouldn’t do that to me. We look out for each other and we respect each other’s relationships. I have even looked out for his girlfriends out of love for him. People that get involved know out the gate we are a very family oriented.
 
Evolving78 said:
People that feel that entitled or see a problem with someone helping a sibling out should find a relationship where they come first and only. I know I am close with my sibling and we are there for each other. I also have no issue with a spouse or a partner being there for their family. I am a family oriented person and couldn’t be with someone that isn’t.
This tells a lot about how people view family and shows their level of entitlement over what someone should do for them.
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Exactly. This isn't a contest or a situation to prove who is the HBIC. Smh.
 
I'm more disturbed by the fact that the brother bought a new car for his sister instead of a newer used car, which would've shaved a few thousand off. :look: Other than that, this sounds like the partner is insecure and wishes that they were getting a new car. How long has this couple been together? Are they thinking about marriage? How are their finances? Without these answers I can't say much more but from the letter, the partner sounds insecure and jealous.

If they are serious and thinking about marriage then I'd say it's time to talk about priorities and boundaries with families of origin.
 
Theresamonet said:
Ain’t no period. lol Some “wife privileges” can be extended to girlfriends. It depends on the relationship. DH and I have only been married for 3 years, but I’ve been his #1 for quite a bit longer than that. A boyfriend who wouldn’t put me first in situations similar to this would never become my husband.
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I see your point. I still stand by what I said. Dropping that kind of dough on someone you’re dating is a bad idea in my book. There’s a difference between putting someone first and buying them a car when you’re not married to them.
 
Evolving78 said:
she is a girlfriend not a wife. Girlfriends don’t get wife privileges.
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This right here. He is not responsible for her. Where as a brother should be protective and helpful to his sibling. When she is the wife then she may have talks. If I want to do something for my family I do it. The end. It doesn't sound like her car is breaking down every second so I think she needs to chill.
 
caribeandiva said:
I see your point. I still stand by what I said. Dropping that kind of dough on someone you’re dating is a bad idea in my book. There’s a difference between putting someone first and buying them a car when you’re not married to them.
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If you don’t think a boyfriend should buy you a car, then you don’t get one. That has nothing to do with the rest of us. We are able to set our relationships up however we want them to be. That’s what I meant when I said there’s no periods in this.
 
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