When Family Cut You Off.

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Ganjababy

Well-Known Member
I have been dealing with this situation for a while now. It was soooo painful that I could not even speak about it except with my husband. I felt so embarrassed and hurt.

So as some of you ladies know, I upped and moved to a new country and started a new life a few years ago. It so happened that I found 2 first cousins I never knew existed living in this town. I was very happy.

I became close with both. One cousin would come and visit me but I never met his wife until over a year later. When we finally met her we hit it off immediately. I found out she suffers from anxiety and hardly ever leaves her house. Because of this I thought I could be candid with her and admitted to her that I also had some mental health problems. She told me to go to church and gave me the card of a healer:look:

Instead, I voluntarily checked myself into a psych hospital as strongly suggested by my psych and I also knew I really neeeded professional help. I was going through some stuff and would call my cousin and vent (I wonder now if that was what turned him off me).

I told them what was happening. After I came out of the hospital I noticed my calls were not reciprocated. It was like 4 months before I realized this. I kept ringing telling myself that I am being paranoid and I should think positive. But I was not being paronoid.

The rejection cut me like a knife because I do not allow people in. I took the gamble and allowed them in and they decided they no longer wanted me in their life.

So I have been working with my therapist on barriers in my life and this came up. I started sobbing. It is so painful when you don’t trust people and you let your guard down and they do the exact thing you feared.

I cannot get into everything but I know my cousin is as broken as I am but he does not own up to it. His dad and brother lives 5-10 minutes from him and unless they run into each other in town him and his wife do not make an effort to see them and they do not invite people into their home. So imagine how special I felt when DH and I was invited.

On top of that I got their teenaged kid a summer internship at my workplace to improve his/her college application. I used to talk to the kid regularly. Even the kid stopped returning my calls:look:

I felt such shame. I am over it now but I am wondering if I offended my cousin in some way. I just cannot move on. I want some closure/explanation. Though I know I may never get one.

But I was thinking to send my cousin one final text and say that I hope I did not offend him and his wife in any way and apologize. And wish them a happy life.

By the way as far as DH is concerned good riddance. He thought my cousin was fake and “red eye”:look: I don’t agree. I really liked him:cry3:
 
Awe @Ganjababy I am so sorry that your feelings are hurt.

Though I can't speak for your cousin and wife, what came to my mind is sometimes blood is NOT thicker than water.

That was nice of you to get the child an intern. Your good deed is done.

However, I don't think you should invite drama into your world.

Leave them alone, you don't need them. You have your husband there and hopefully friends. Your life was full before discovering they were there.
 
Well first off, I am so sorry you are going through this @Ganjababy :bighug: Being cut off always hurts. I've seen your posts in the Mental Health thread. As you know I suffer from anxiety-depression too and I struggle with how much I tell people for this exact reason. I do not let people in easily either and I've been in similar situations as yours with friends. I can't imagine going through this with family.

Don't feel ashamed. You made a connection with your extended family and got close. I've felt similar shame but there's nothing wrong with putting yourself out there and trying to connect with people. And I applaud you so much for taking charge of your mental health and getting professional help to get yourself better when you needed it. As you see, not everyone does that. I'm going through that in my immediate family since I am not the only one who lives with anxiety-depression.

When your cousin told you to go to church and gave you the card of a healer, I knew something was up. Unfortunately seeking professional help for mood disorders still carries a stigma and its easy for people to be in denial. One of my HS BFFs is struggling with depression. Our other HS BFF know it and we both have tried convincing her to get into therapy as we have done because there's no shame. Still she refuses. I had a friendship end a couple years ago for issues related to this.

I agree with your DH. Good riddance to bad rubbish. If your cousin suffers from anxiety and isn't getting help, then you don't need them in your life. I speak from experience. You don't need or want that drama. Their reaction says more about them than you. But I know that doesn't take away your pain or make you feel better. Allow yourself to have your feelings and grieve for the loss, you're entitled.
 
The facts about this couple speaks for itself. But I don’t know why I am not accepting the facts. The facts are, they are weird and they are hurt people. Their mom is my aunt. My aunt came to visit. She stayed at my house. Her son and his wife did not even invite her to dinnner at their house. To me that says a lot.

They have lived here most of their childhood and all their adult lives and the first time their mother visited she had to stay in my home. I feel bad for them.
 
Do you think they are fearful since you went to the psych hospital? Both of my brothers have mental health issues and I used to not share anything about them when I was younger. I know how the media portrays people with mental health issues and honestly I think it scares people. For example, every time there is a white male who goes on a shooting rampage or even this white dude who was bombing people in Texas, the media makes sure to point to mental illness (even if there was never a diagnosis).

I'm sorry they hurt you.
 
This could be it. There is so much stigma. Even I as a healthcare professional still have to fight this feeling. I was in a support group meeting this week and someone shared that they had been incarcerated and had schizophrenia and I started thinking all sorts of foolishness. So I cannot imagine what my own Lay relatives think...
cam2717 said:
Do you think they are fearful since you went to the psych hospital? Both of my brothers have mental health issues and I used to not share anything about them when I was younger. I know how the media portrays people with mental health issues and honestly I think it scares people. For example, every time there is a white male who goes on a shooting rampage or even this white dude who was bombing people in Texas, the media makes sure to point to mental illness (even if there was never a diagnosis).

I'm sorry they hurt you.
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Ganjababy said:
This could be it. There is so much stigma. Even I as a healthcare professional still have to fight this feeling. I was in suppoty group meeting this week and someone shared that they had been incarcerated and had schizophrenia and I started thinking all sorts of foolishness. So I cannot imagine what my own Lay relatives think...
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Right. My older brother is that person ( he was incarcerated and has schizophrenia) so when people ask "how many siblings do you have?" I know the follow up questions will become uncomfortable. People don't really know how to react if I share why my brother didn't really grow up with me - he was incarcerated. They don't know how to react when I tell them that he was kicked out of his group home because he refused to take his medication...for schizophrenia. So, they avoid questions about family. But I'm sure if it were me talking about myself, they would just probably avoid me.

Again, I'm sorry that they hurt your feelings. It sucks. Be careful with what you share with people. I'm like your husband...good riddance!
 
This is so sad. I know it hurts when you connect with people and they rebuff, esp. with no explanation. As the wife had similar issues, I'm not sure why you getting professional help would break the friendship. I'm thinking it's something else? Do you think that they only used you to get the internship for their son then split when they got what they wanted?

It might be better this way though, because you know if they came at you with an excuse, it's probably going to be a lame one anyways. Close the chapter on this one, and move on the best you can. :bighug:
 
Aww, I’m sorry.

One of the hardest lessons in life I’ve had to learn is that sometimes people just do s***ty things and they don’t really have anything to do with you. It’s human nature to sit and ruminate and try to figure out if you did something wrong, but sometimes, people are just selfish and unkind. And to quote one of my favorite memes, those aren’t your people.

I decided that I was going to stop trying to force connections/relationships of any kind, be they romantic, platonic or familial. My focus now is on strengthening my relationships with the people who truly love/care for me, and want to be part of my life. Life is too short to be trying to fix things you didn’t break.
 
I would let them go. Be grateful for the good times you guys did share. It sounds like they brought you happiness and made you feel loved. That was a gift and something you needed at the time. Now it’s time to let them go and let them be. Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that they are bad people.

Sometimes it’s hard to explain to people why you no longer want to be close to them. Usually the reason you can’t explain is connected to the reason you no longer want to be close. I’ve learned to let people go who want to go and to allow myself the right to move on from people I no longer want to be close to without burdening myself with explaining myself.

It would be different if you’d known these people for years, had grown up with them, etc. but you didn’t. I would view them as new people I met in a new city, we had good times, and now it’s time to move on. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing and making new friends. It will all work out.
 
I think your candor about what you were experiencing was uncomfortable for them in light of the wife’s anxiety issues. She’s probably been told she needs to get professional help and is in denial. You being in a hospital and talking about it so frankly may have been more than she or they could handle.

I know it hurts but I suspect you’ve helped them more than you know. By normalizing your experience maybe she’ll eventually get help.
 
Ganjababy said:
The facts about this couple speaks for itself. But I don’t know why I am not accepting the facts. The facts are, they are weird and they are hurt people. Their mom is my aunt. My aunt came to visit. She stayed at my house. Her son and his wife did not even invite her to dinnner at their house. To me that says a lot.

They have lived here most of their childhood and all their adult lives and the first time their mother visited she had to stay in my home. I feel bad for them.
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So let me get this straight. Your aunt comes to town and stays with you instead of her own son? :eek::eek: You said in the OP you didn't know they even existed until your move. That's telling. Not of you but them. I see why.
 
Sis, it's not you, it's them.

You were able to break down their walls for a little bit but the moment they learned that you went to a professional for help with your issues, those walls went right back up. You shared about your issues and recognized that the wife also had a issue but when you talked about going to a hospital, she told you to go to church and gave you the card of a healer.

Now praying, going to a church and a healer are fine but there comes a time when professional help is needed. You were brave enough to take that step but she isn't ready yet. Rather than continue the friendship with you, they closed ranks as a a family. Seeing how badly they treat your other family members (including his own mother) means that the fault lies with them not with you. You reached out to make a connection- they shut it down for reasons known only to themselves.

And may I add that I am so proud of you for reaching out for help when you need it. It's hard to be vulnerable and share what you share on this message board and I just want to encourage you on your journey.
 
I have learned to hold the door wide open for anyone who doesn't want to be in my life. The people who are truly for you don't just disappear . . . that's uncaring and abusive. If you ever meant anything to me, I'll let you know exactly why I'm done with you (I've only had to do this once). People who engage in the Silent Treatment or who Ghost those with whom they were intimately involved are abusers, pure and simple. They lack the ability or willingness to communicate and resolve conflict. You can never be comfortable and emotionally available with these people because you never know what will set them off. I don't engage with such people.

Try this OP. I've dealt with rejection/abandonment issues, and this helps a lot. I'm certainly not trying to replace any current treatment you may be receiving.



Brad Yates is amazing! I learned about him on this forum. :-)
 
ignorantly the stigma is mental illness. Once i read something along the lines of when your mentally ill not even the janitor will come see you...eeek. not saying to hide it but i wouldnt speak on it to just anyone it should just be between you, your hubby and healthcare professionals.
 
Silkycoils said:
I have learned to hold the door wide open for anyone who doesn't want to be in my life. The people who are truly for you don't just disappear . . . that's uncaring and abusive. If you ever meant anything to me, I'll let you know exactly why I'm done with you
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THIS. Ghosting is extremely immature and should only be reserved for date-level dudes.
 
@Ganjababy I hope you feel better now.
I have a different view, and please believe I write following with love.
my sisters and I grew up with difficult family circumstances and now we all have episodes of depression, no hospitalization, sometimes on medication for short periods. I seem to cope better than the two of them. Whenever they have episodes and call me to vent, I feel myself spiraling into sadness too, and I cringe seeing the caller id, knowing it would be another long venting session and it would take me hours if not days to feel better myself. Now, these are my sisters and I know they need my support so I pick up and try (both have had professional help in the past) ...however a few times I pretend I missed their calls. To give myself a break.
You mentioned you called him to talk about your issues sometimes...
I am not absolving them of their actions, he could have gently explained himself...or maybe they are just jerks
Continue to take care of yourself. I am glad you are doing better now. I hope you continue to fight for yourself, I have read your posts over the years and wish you the every best in life.
 
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Thanks for this. I really appreciate it. I think one of my problems is not knowing proper boundaries. I became aware of this as a teen and isolate because of not wanting to embarrass myself. It is part of having bpd. But it’s also because I did not go to school and interact with other kids much. As a result I lack the ability to decipher some normal social cues. Upon reflection I can see that I did unburden myself on my cousin a bit too much.
tolly said:
@Ganjababy I hope you feel better now.
I have a different view, and please believe I write following with love.
my sisters and I grew up with difficult family circumstances and now all have episodes of depression, no hospitalization, sometimes on medication for short periods. I seem to cope better than the two of them. Whenever they have episodes and call me to vent, I feel myself spiraling into sadness too, an I cringe saying the caller id, knowing it would be another long venting session and it would take me hours if not days to feel better myself. Now these are my sisters and I know they need my support so I pick up and try (both have had professional help in the past) ...however a few times I pretend I missed their calls. To give myself a break.
You mentioned you called him to talk about your issues sometimes...
I am not absolving them of their actions, he could have gently explained himself...or maybe they are just jerks
Continue to take care of yourself. I am glad you are doing better now. I hope you continue to fight for yourself, I have read your posts over the years and wish you the every best in life.
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I really appreciate everyone’s input. I feel less bitter and resentful about the situation now. If I see them again I will hold no grudges.
 
Don't blame yourself too much, you have to do what you can to cope with things. I am also awkward in social interactions,I have made my peace with it. I try not to doubt myself or question my actions and reactions too much.
You only have one life, I hope you are able to enjoy it maximally.
 
I am not used to people admitting to me irl that they have mental health issues. Once she did that I felt that I could be candid.
shortdub78 said:
I’m deleting because I believe you got it and I’m glad you are feeling better and being receptive! Love love all around!
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@Ganjababy
I did that too with people, and I’m learning to set boundaries as well. I still have some residue left that I am working on, and when I go there, I notice certain people will just get off of the phone with me. Lol but I don’t think they are doing it on purpose, but I believe they are being guided to do it and I’m aware of it now.
 
Ganjababy said:
I am not used to people admitting to me irl that they have mental health issues. Once she did that I felt that I could be candid.
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Oh I know. I used to always assume without even thinking that as soon as someone shared something personal with me, that we entered the sharing circle! Lol now I’m learning to just listen and be still. I used to talk so much without a conscious.
 
Yes! Especially with white people. They share the most random personal sheet lol. Then I get confused
shortdub78 said:
Oh I know. I used to always assume without even thinking that as soon as someone shared something personal with me, that we entered the sharing circle! Lol now I’m learning to just listen and be still. I used to talk so much without a conscious.
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