What would you do? (long)

[darlingdiva]

First, let me say, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

This is indeed an emotional affair.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think that emotional affairs are FAR more dangerous than just sexual affairs b/c, with emotional affairs, feelings are involved. That's not necessarily the case with sex. I think there is a great need for concern in this situation. The reasons that I say this are as follows:

1. He spoke with her once at 3 a.m.-I know that you said it was only once, but one time is one too many. Usually when you're speaking with someone at 3 a.m., it's because an emergency has taken place.

2. He brought you to a get-together that she was also attending-That is so disrespectful. The fact that he had no qualms about doing this says a lot about how he feels about you and her.

3. There have been times when he's ended conversations with you so that he could speak with her-This is the most blatant of the offenses, in my book. Their relationship clearly isn't as innocent as he tries to make it out to be if speaking with her is more important than speaking with you. This also signals that he is deeply attached to this woman.

 

[dplyrooted]

I say trust your gut.
Apparently there are trust issues.
Before this how was your relationship with your husband.
Sounds to me like you all need to go to counseling and deal with some issues, because a 1 month separation wasn't probably sufficient.

 

[darlingdiva]

Being defensive is usually the first sign that all is not kosher. I posted on here a couple of months ago about my sister who is going through a similiar situation only her husband was text messaging a young lady he worked with on the job. When she asked him about the text messages he got defensive and said they were from no one that he "didn't have any friends". Of course that made her suspicious and she started investigating further. She found out who the young lady was and she asked him to stop text messaging her. Of course the text messages continued - which was really disrespectful considering they shared a family plan under her name that he paid half for. She then found an email address that he has obviously been using to keep up with the same person. She told me yesterday that she ordered a GPS tracking device to go on his car to see where he's been going because she is tired of being lied to.

I am surprised at just how much this type of foolishness is going on. In my opinion I think it is wrong for men to pull this type of ish for the simple fact if the situation was reversed I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it nor would he condone it. Knowing that this can cause problems within the relationship is a total disregard and disrespect for your feelings.

I know it can sometimes be hard to let a relationship go but I had to do it with my first husband because he had some girl call my house. I suspected he was cheating but to be confronted with it was a totally different thing. Always remember to trust your spider sense aka woman's intuition. It usually never leads you wrong.

Mya

I couldn't agree more. Usually when you think something isn't right...it isn't.

 

[darlingdiva]

Ladies,

Thank you for listening and for your advice. I will tackle this when I get home. I don't know what I'm expecting to hear, but I'm prepared for whatever. I needed to get your advice because he makes it seem that when he talks to his "platonic" friends they see it differently. Of course they would. Anyway I will keep you posted.

Girl, please. Don't let that shake you. From the sound of things in your original post, his "platonic" friends are probably the same ones that he's having "innocent" conversations with at 3 a.m.

 

[Lei*Lei]

I don't think you are smothering him. You are his WIFE, and you have a right to know who these people are who he is calling and why he is calling them.

I'm married, and if i see an awkward number in the cell phone that i don't recognize (we share a cell phone LOL), you better believe i ask him who it was.

Like everyone else said, trust your instints...they are usually right.

 

[Zaynab]

Ladies,

Thank you for listening and for your advice. I will tackle this when I get home. I don't know what I'm expecting to hear, but I'm prepared for whatever. I needed to get your advice because he makes it seem that when he talks to his "platonic" friends they see it differently. Of course they would. Anyway I will keep you posted.

I've been married 10 years as well and have two kids.

I don't check dh's phone and vice versa, but that's here nor there. My motto is, if he has friends, they are my friends as well, men or women, if they are truly friends, then they can come over and break bread, eat, drink and be merry. Anything outside of that is shady.

I've been in a emotional affair before and it's not pretty. IMO its waaaaaaayyyyy worse than sex. "asking" him about it or asking him to stop communicating with these women is not going to make him stop or want to stop--it's actually going to make him want to do it more I think.

I think your best advice is to sit down and talk to him and see why he feels the need to reach out to other women--if something is lacking in his relationship with you . I know it's a tough pill to swallow to ask someone that but I would do it if I wanted to know and/or save my marriage. I think it's easy to let things build up and then just look away to another person. He may not have cheated yet but he might be on the verge.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[tilati]

The ladies have said it all. You are NOT over reacting.

I'm sorry you are going through that

 

[AnnDriena_]

There's a good way to cover this whole situation. Because it's happened before and now it's with a different woman. It seems you are going to be playing wack a mole with him. You know that game where the little animals come out of the hole and you have to wack it with a plush hammer. They keep coming up out of different holes.

This problem keeps happening just with different women. You need to put your foot down about communications with other women PERIOD.

There will be no 3 am calls to women. If he needs to stay awake. Call a male friend.

There is no reason in the world to be exchanging texts with a female. He has crossed the line once he doesn't get any slack here.

And you need to have HIM tell YOU what he thinks the word INTEGRITY means and how it applies to your marriage and whether he thinks he is showing any. I'm sorry you are going through this but I dont think the first separation helped. And he sounds like he doesn't want to be married.

People who love you do not continue to do things they know hurt you and it totally in their power to stop the hurt. He's supposed to protect your heart and ease your mind. What good is he in your life if he is doing neither of these things.

 

[RavenMaven]

I am certainly not married, but I must say that you need to trust your gut.
I would get outta there before more drama takes place.

 

[SelahOco]

He is cheating.

If he's not, he's about to. My sister in law called me telling me a similar story about my own brother and I told her "Either he's cheating, or he's about to."

A man talking on the phone to an attractive woman regularly and without mentioning it to his wife...ever? People fall in love over the phone and by "getting to know each other" or "talking about life's stresses."

You are not crazy. There is no appropriate reason for them to be talking and they both knew that when they started doing it.

You've behaved very logically. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[AnnDriena_]

He should get treated like an alcoholic. You don't allow an alcoholic to have a drink every now and then. You don't allow an untrustworthy man (which he has shown himself to be) to have a female friend to talk to at 3 am in the morning.

If he can't quit cold turkey and only be with you and do whatever it takes to ease your mind. NOT THE FEMALE FRIENDS MIND. Then you really have to look at whether this man wants to be married.

HAVE YOU ASKED HIM LATELY IF HE WANTS TO BE MARRIED?

 

[msdeevee]

I know I'm late to the table but ...this is most definitely an emotional affair .

Remember when you and your Dh were talking on the phone "several times a day everyday" and in the wee hours of the morning. You were dating right?

That's what their doing he is dating this woman. This is totally inappropriate for a married man.

I don't believe in confronting the woman because she doesn't owe you anything. She may be a skeeze but your contract is with him and it's his duty to be faithful to you not hers but....you have her number since he claims their just friends and he wanted you to meet her I may consider giving her a call to see what her take on the "friendship" is.

Her reaction to you may be all you need to know what's going on . His reaction too.

 

[LadieCrn]

I don't know some of ya'll are pretty cool and collect women. Me on the other hand, I am not ashamed to say I would have been LIVID. I also do not subscribe to that "if you go digging you will find something". If we are together, I have a RIGHT to know what is going on. If nothing shady is happening I should not find anything when I go digging. You guys are sharing a life, every breath he takes involves you. Yes you should trust people BUT you should trust your gut feelings more. See my SO already knows I would give him ONE chance to make things right after that I have NO ISSUE what so ever letting ALL parties involved that I am not the one. You will see how quickly women fall back when they realize you are willing to protect yours at all cost. That woman came out lucky because the second I would have noticed she was acting like she didn't want her husband to know, I would have went quietly over to him and notified him of his wife's inappropriate phone calls and asked what he thought of it. I would have started it off like "Hi I am _______, is that your wife. Oh ok " nice,nice,nice, then I would have hit him with "So that is my husband over there, I understand that him and your wife have become the best of friends as of late". His interest would have been peaked and then I am sure things would be settled by now

 

[AnnDriena_]

I don't know some of ya'll are pretty cool and collect women. Me on the other hand, I am not ashamed to say I would have been LIVID. I also do not subscribe to that "if you go digging you will find something". If we are together, I have a RIGHT to know what is going on. If nothing shady is happening I should not find anything when I go digging. You guys are sharing a life, every breath he takes involves you. Yes you should trust people BUT you should trust your gut feelings more. See my SO already knows I would give him ONE chance to make things right after that I have NO ISSUE what so ever letting ALL parties involved that I am not the one. You will see how quickly women fall back when they realize you are willing to protect yours at all cost. That woman came out lucky because the second I would have noticed she was acting like she didn't want her husband to know, I would have went quietly over to him and notified him of his wife's inappropriate phone calls and asked what he thought of it. I would have started it off like "Hi I am _______, is that your wife. Oh ok " nice,nice,nice, then I would have hit him with "So that is my husband over there, I understand that him and your wife have become the best of friends as of late". His interest would have been peaked and then I am sure things would be settled by now

Ride or Die wifey game proper

 

[DayStar]

GURL!!!!! ...some sheit i would do

Ride or Die wifey game proper