What would you do? (long)

It's apparent that due to your husband's past actions, there are trust issues. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I would feel the same way. Trust your gut. This is 100% suspect activity.
 
I have to preface this by saying I'm not married nor have I been.

But what you are describing sounds like an emotional affair; perhaps the beginning of a physical affair and an all-out disregard for your feelings. Him playing the 'you can't choose my friends for me' is a cop-out. Trust your instinct-- something is not right.

I hate to assume that the "trial separation" only gave him more freedom and opportunity to connect to other women (via on the phone, in person or both), but that is what it sounds like. :( I am concerned that although he admitted that the relationship was inappropriate A) he still continue(ed/es) it and B) He has never come clean about the full extent of his involvement with these women.

I pray you get the answers you deserve.
 
No it is not normal :nono: Trust your instincts. From what you posted you have every right to be concerned.
 
I'm not married but...

Your hubby is out of line! No, you are NOT overreacting! Im saying, didnt this type of problem cause the first separation? Why would he do it again? Ya'll need to have a LONG talk seriously. If the shoe were on the other foot, what would he say? "Oh, its okay for you to talk to different men at the wee hours of the morning and by the way, I dont have to know them because I trust you..." Suuuuurrreeee...
 
well since there is no real evidence of infedelity, it really all depends on your gut and what your instincts are telling you. i will say, my husband and i don't check phone records and such. we have in the past and it only lead to unnecessary drama. if you don't trust him, that in itself is not a great sign.
 
Being defensive is usually the first sign that all is not kosher. I posted on here a couple of months ago about my sister who is going through a similiar situation only her husband was text messaging a young lady he worked with on the job. When she asked him about the text messages he got defensive and said they were from no one that he "didn't have any friends". Of course that made her suspicious and she started investigating further. She found out who the young lady was and she asked him to stop text messaging her. Of course the text messages continued - which was really disrespectful considering they shared a family plan under her name that he paid half for. She then found an email address that he has obviously been using to keep up with the same person. She told me yesterday that she ordered a GPS tracking device to go on his car to see where he's been going because she is tired of being lied to.

I am surprised at just how much this type of foolishness is going on. In my opinion I think it is wrong for men to pull this type of ish for the simple fact if the situation was reversed I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it nor would he condone it. Knowing that this can cause problems within the relationship is a total disregard and disrespect for your feelings.

I know it can sometimes be hard to let a relationship go but I had to do it with my first husband because he had some girl call my house. I suspected he was cheating but to be confronted with it was a totally different thing. Always remember to trust your spider sense aka woman's intuition. It usually never leads you wrong.

Mya
 
I think him calling other women is very disrespectful.

I am not married and never have been so I am not sure how married women deal with these types of situations. I am sure the ladies here will give you some good advice, but ultimately you have to resolve this in private between you and your hubby.

Oh yeah, and please don't be fooled into thinking that just because he is coming home every night means he is not physically cheating.
 
I would also say trust your gut. An emotional affair hurts worse than a physical one anyday. A real woman would not allow a man who is married to call her, espiacally in the wee of the morning. AND ESPIACALLY if she is married. Thier relationship was definetly out of line.

If she felt that it was so innocent, she would have broken her neck to introduce herself to you. PERIOD.
 
Like the other ladies said, trust your instincts. I was married and had a similar situation with my ex. How come he didn't introduce you? And what does the young lady agreed it's inappropriate mean? I thought it was innocent. Innocent and inappropriate are at opposite ends.

The whole situation doesn't sit right with me. I'd be suspicious and have a good long talk with DH. You are definitely not overreacting.
 
weaveologist said:
I would also say trust your gut. An emotional affair hurts worse than a physical one anyday. A real woman would not allow a man who is married to call her, espiacally in the wee of the morning. AND ESPIACALLY if she is married. Thier relationship was definetly out of line.

If she felt that it was so innocent, she would have broken her neck to introduce herself to you. PERIOD.
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I feel the same way. I felt she was quiet because she didn't want her husband to know. My husband said she was quiet because she was scared of how I would react because I had called her. When I called I introduced myself and was never rude. I am not so getto that I would have caused a scene. I believe that her husband would have felt the same way which is why they acted that way.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your dh is trippin'. I think you should get counseling from a minister or a marriage counselor. I hope you get to the bottom of this soon.
 
Like the other ladies are saying OP, trust your instinc and better yet, what's in front of you. It sounds like your husband is having emotional affair/s? at the least. Counseling and a frank discussion needs to be had.
 
hopeful said:
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your dh is trippin'. I think you should get counseling from a minister or a marriage counselor. I hope you get to the bottom of this soon.
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anti-babymama said:
He is cheating.
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Agree 100%.


I would ask to go to counseling...after I got a full checkup for all STD's. If you guys can work it out through counseling, great. If not, then that's that.

This is only the tip of the iceberg and I'm sure there is more that you don't know about. I hope things work out amicably, either way.
 
Ladies,

Thank you for listening and for your advice. I will tackle this when I get home. I don't know what I'm expecting to hear, but I'm prepared for whatever. I needed to get your advice because he makes it seem that when he talks to his "platonic" friends they see it differently. Of course they would. Anyway I will keep you posted.
 
You could have pulled her husband to the side and spoke about some mundane. More than likely she would have broke later that night to him and all your problems may have been solved.
 
I'm not married nor do I even have a SO, so you don't even have to read the rest of this, HEHE!:lachen:

Um, I will say that I think if you go looking for things you will find them. Even if they are not really there.

With that said, I think he is out of line. I say this because you are his WIFE, and you have voiced your opinion. He needs to cut the bull out of respect for you.

But IMHO when you marry someone, you make one of the largest committements that one can make. I think the first choice should be to work things out with counseling. Maybe he thinks that he can tell her things that he cannot tell you, because he does not want you to think that you are weak (I'm just making up an example).

This sounds very fixable. As long as the two of you want to fix it.

But I am wondering how does he know her. Are they old friends or did they just meet? I'm sorry if I'm being nosy. I was just wondering the context of the relationship. Are the two of you allowed to have opposite sex friends? What are the rules of your marriage? Once again, I appologize if I am asking too many questions.
 
pinkgreenmommie said:
Ladies,

Thank you for listening and for your advice. I will tackle this when I get home. I don't know what I'm expecting to hear, but I'm prepared for whatever. I needed to get your advice because he makes it seem that when he talks to his "platonic" friends they see it differently. Of course they would. Anyway I will keep you posted.
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Think this through a little bit more thorough before things get ugly at home and I say this to say, because men are strange in a sense. Not hard to figure out but sneaky is what I meant to say.

Going home and questioning him and getting all emotional will do nothing but make matters worse (i.e. leading to more phone calls to other women, arguments, etc.) and a man will do nothing but deny it, lie, flip the script, and have you thinking YOU are the one that is crazy and next thing you know, he'll have you thinking you're trippin... You will NEVER get the truth.

What I would do if I were in your situation is chill out and think. You and those kids come first. While I know this is your husband, he obviously has issues, and since you are his wife, his issues has caused you major concern. HE started this so-called infidelity, not you. The reason I say think first, because you should first think about YOURSELF and your kids and do you want them to witness this type of arguing, etc. Think about what lead to the separation in the first place. I'm not saying leave your husband, but you guys separated for a reason.

If you guys were separated for a period of time, and are now trying to work things out, it seems to me that YOU are trying to work things out, and he hasn't finished "cleaning up his mess" whatever that may be. Perhaps you guys still need some time apart, so you can honestly come to grips and think if this is the type of relationship you want with this man. I do realize and know that it is hard, but you have a lot of thinking and decisions to make. While we have all come to the conclusion that he is cheating, or is allegedly cheating, that does not solve the issue on what YOU should do.

I wouldn't say anything to him for now. Your heart and your gut instinct has already revealed to you what you already knew. He would have to come to grips and decide if he wants to be married and have his loving family or be single and the only person who can decide that is him. HE has to WANT it, and you can't make him, and it can't be one sided. He has to EARN you guys back. If not, then he needs to man up and tell you. YOU are his wife and he is stringing you along and it shouldn't be that way. You are worth more than that.

So, stop going through his things because ultimately, when you look for shyt, you find it. I know it sounds brutal, but it is what it is. Nothing is going to change until you sit back, think things through and not react on emotion, and make a smart decision. It's all about respect in ANY relationship, and this one is lacking it big time.

Sorry this is long, but it's just food for thought, and try not to stress yourself, this is one of those beyond your situation type of things, in that it has to come from him, not you. He knows what you want...he doesn't know what HE wants. Think about it...and I hope it works out.
 
(((Hugs)))...I pray you get the answers you need so you can make the best decision for your family.

The ladies have already stated my thoughts on the situation, except for the whole 'If you go looking for dirt you'll find it' thing. I don't ascribe to that line of thought. Something told you to take a look at those phone records and it led to very valuable information :yep:. He's your husband, and you shouldn't feel out of line for wanting to know who's in his life, who he's speaking to, or where he is. Who knows how long this could have carried on and how bad this behavior could have gotten if you didn't piece things together for yourself.

SO's past and present have looked at my phone etc., and you know what they found? NADA. I caught my SO all up in my phone the other day, he came up with nothing :rolleyes:. Maybe I'm so against that line of thought because that was my ex's favorite line. Guess what - he didn't want me to discover his homemade porn collection, swingers sites and the girls he was 'just friends' with.

You married that man and he has access to your home, finances and body - it's not too much for you to have access to his phone. And your discovery may enable you to make a change in your marriage, save you from years of heartache, or with AIDS running rampant in the world, it may save your life!
 
I agree with the ladies and what ever your decision might be I hope its well thought out.

Have a plan
Save some money for your kids for a easy transition(if you chose to leave him)
Save the phone records/documents you have come across
Protect yourself and kids by having a plan

I am married and I have seen plenty of women walk out of their marriages on emotions alone.Only to realize that there was more to contemplate and balance.
 
I am married (no kids) and if this were me I would be livid.

DH agrees that your husband is dead wrong. He should not be making new female friends ....especially ones who need to talk to to him at 3 - 4 a.m.


My husband cut off all of his female associates (women who were interested in him) while we were still dating. He does not ever put himself in situations to even appear inappropriate, including giving his long time hair stylist a ride without calling me first. He does not want any man/woman to be able to call me and say I saw your husband with such and such driving down the street. That did happen once, when we were dating, and this woman had only been allowed to use the bathroom at his place. She turned that 2 minute visit into an affair in her head. Luckily, I knew him well enough by then to know that she was lying when she called to tell me that they had an affair - which was on weekend that we were out of town at a funeral.


I would have to meet with my husband and a marriage counselor if he did not understand the inappropriate actions he displayed by his early AM calls with other women (and married ones). I would probably not divorce over it....but I also would not have separated either. I feel like once you separate and live apart that the marriage is on the outs.

My dad works early and his phone is attached to his ear all day.....but with his male friend who has worked with him for like 20 years. They honestly are the only ones up at that hour.

As for the girl at the party......I would have thought she was interested in my husband albeit maybe not having an affair. I probably would have introduced myself though.
 
pinkgreenmommie said:
I feel the same way. I felt she was quiet because she didn't want her husband to know. My husband said she was quiet because she was scared of how I would react because I had called her. When I called I introduced myself and was never rude. I am not so getto that I would have caused a scene. I believe that her husband would have felt the same way which is why they acted that way.
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If she was scared it was because she knows she is wrong. Why doesn't her husband know she is calling YOUR husband? IMO,that is all you need to know about her and her intentions.
 
Just like the first girl, if they were JUST FRIENDS you would have met her by now or at least been informed about her. :nono: If they were JUST FRIENDS you wouldn't need the phone bill to tell you information that should have came out of the of your husband!

Talk to God, listen to God, and do what God says.
 
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pinkgreenmommie said:
Ladies,

Thank you for listening and for your advice. I will tackle this when I get home. I don't know what I'm expecting to hear, but I'm prepared for whatever. I needed to get your advice because he makes it seem that when he talks to his "platonic" friends they see it differently. Of course they would. Anyway I will keep you posted.
Click to expand...

I've been thinking about you all day after reading your post this morning. I know you must really be hurting. I pray things work out. I will tell you to keep in mind that this is not your fault or your problem to solve. There is something going on with your husband that he needs to resolve one way or the other. Not saying he has to solve this alone but he must take ownership of this problem.

ThatJerseyGirl said:
...What I would do if I were in your situation is chill out and think. You and those kids come first. While I know this is your husband, he obviously has issues, and since you are his wife, his issues has caused you major concern. HE started this so-called infidelity, not you. The reason I say think first, because you should first think about YOURSELF and your kids and do you want them to witness this type of arguing, etc. Think about what lead to the separation in the first place. I'm not saying leave your husband, but you guys separated for a reason.
...

I wouldn't say anything to him for now. Your heart and your gut instinct has already revealed to you what you already knew. He would have to come to grips and decide if he wants to be married and have his loving family or be single and the only person who can decide that is him. HE has to WANT it, and you can't make him, and it can't be one sided. He has to EARN you guys back. If not, then he needs to man up and tell you. YOU are his wife and he is stringing you along and it shouldn't be that way. You are worth more than that.
...
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This is an excellent post!

~~HoneyComb~~ said:
^^^^Good post Khalia27!
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ITA:yep:.

girl2k15 said:
Just like the first girl, if they were JUST FRIENDS you would have met her by now or at least been informed about her. :nono: If they were JUST FRIENDS you wouldn't need the phone bill to tell you information that should have came out of the of your husband!

Talk to God, listen to God, and do what God says.
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Absolutely!
 
When the two of you decided to get back together, what was the basis? What was your agreement?

It seems to me, you believe, and with what you've told us, with good reason that something was going on with young lady #1. He, on the other hand not only denies it, but is trying to make you look like the bad guy. So, I'm assuming when you came back together, you decided to let the young lady number 1 issue go away.

I do think the two of you need counseling. When something like this happens trust is lost and it cannot be regained overnight and the transgressing party needs to understand that and adjust accordingly. The thing is, if he won't even be honest about it...that is something else.

I say. go to counseling and I say ask him if he would politely stop talking to this woman, for the sake of your marriage. I know DH would be mad if I told him to stop talking to some of his female friends, but if he knew I was on the line, he would do so in a heartbeat.

If he won't comply, tell him to invite this woman over to dinner so you can get to know her as well. See how he reacts to that and see what goes down. If they are just friends, it shouldn't be a big deal.
 
ThickHair said:
You could have pulled her husband to the side and spoke about some mundane. More than likely she would have broke later that night to him and all your problems may have been solved.
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I would have brought the phone bill and gave it to the husband with all of her numbers highlighted on our way out the door.
 
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