What would you do if DH lied/changed his mind about wanting kids

[MoniintheMiddle]

Ok ladies, here's the situation, a good friend of mine married a man who'd been married before and had kids from this marriage. Friend dates this guy (kids are teens now) and during their courtship he states that he's "open" to having more kids. Fast forward a few years, friend is now married to this guy who has now stated he DOES NOT want anymore kids (his kids are now grown). Friend says she's okay with this however this has caused SERIOUS problems with her relationship with her mom. Her mom wants grandkids....friend tells mom that her stepkids are her grandkids. Mom says it's not the same. Friend says mom doesn't like her hubby because she thinks he's selfish...

Friend has confided in me that she wants to have a baby but it's not a "necessity"...saying that she doesn't think it's worth trying to change DH's mind. Friend also thinks mom should just deal with it. She asked me what I thought

BTW, friend is an only child

What do you ladies think?

 

[kismettt]

i'd be hurt. i really want a baby (adopted or biological) and it is really unfair that she has to settle because he changed his mind.

i think talking to him and trying to have open communication about what made him change his mind may help....at least in understanding.

 

[donna894]

It's not cool what the DH did. But the wife has chosen to go along with it. So her mother needs to mind her own business. I think the MIL is dead wrong to try to get someone else to take on such a huge responsibility so that she can get what she wants (ie grandchildren). Maybe she can volunteer with infants somewhere.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Ok ladies, here's the situation, a good friend of mine married a man who'd been married before and had kids from this marriage. Friend dates this guy (kids are teens now) and during their courtship he states that he's "open" to having more kids. Fast forward a few years, friend is now married to this guy who has now stated he DOES NOT want anymore kids (his kids are now grown). Friend says she's okay with this however this has caused SERIOUS problems with her relationship with her mom. Her mom wants grandkids....friend tells mom that her stepkids are her grandkids. Mom says it's not the same. Friend says mom doesn't like her hubby because she thinks he's selfish...

Friend has confided in me that she wants to have a baby but it's not a "necessity"...saying that she doesn't think it's worth trying to change DH's mind. Friend also thinks mom should just deal with it. She asked me what I thought

BTW, friend is an only child

What do you ladies think?

I think she is at the point where she needs to re-evaluate her relationship. If she thinks she would want a child now, I can just imagine the resentment when she realizes that kids are completely out of the question biologically. If I am not correct, this type of issue would be grounds for not only divorce but also annulment, because he stated one thing and is doing another. I would try to convince him that it is something that I want and that he knew it from the get-go. If he still doesn't budge. I dunno...I'd have to trust GOD, because I think I would have to ask for a divorce and hope to find someone on the same page. If not bio kids, at least adoption (which too seems out of the question with her current husband).

 

[pisceschica]

Personally I think that the friend should do what she feels best for her situation. If she is ok with not having a child she shouldn't succumb to the pressures put on her by her mother. Because after all she is the one that is going to be doing the bulk of the child rearing.

With that said this is definitely not a trivial issue and something that this couple must now discuss at length and make a crucial decision about the future of their relationship.

Its one thing if they had never discussed the possibility of children or that he gave a firm no answer on more children. But its another thing when he gives an I am "open" to the idea answer (which to be is vague and equivalent to a "weak" maybe) leading her on to think that children are in her future.

Having a child or having more children is definitely not an issue that can be compromised. She really has to take time to think long and hard about it because its a time sensitive issue more for her than him. To me it really sounds like this relationship should be dissolved because although she says is ok with not having children she may later on regret the decision which may lead to her resenting him for the rest of her life.

 

[Deluxe]

I would bypass pissed all the way to divorce court. Seriously.

To me, it is natural to want to make babies with someone you love. I would be out done if someone I married changed their minds about procreating with me. Basically, he gets to leave a part of himself here on this earth (which is the greatest thing you could leave in my opinion) while she's plum out of luck. Just wouldn't happen with me, just wouldn't happen.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

How many years ago are we talking? His kids were teens when he thought he wanted more kids but now that his kids are grown (18 - 21+), I can see him not wanting to go through that again.

If it were me who wanted a baby, I would talk it out with him and find out why he does not want another child.

If he really does not want more kids, then she needs to move on and find a husband who wants children and one who will be there to help her raise them. She should also be prepared for him to agree to have a baby and then not be there 100% to help her raise the child since he was convinced to have more kids rather than wanting them on his own.

Having a baby with a husband who does not want one is a quick way to end up divorced.

Ok ladies, here's the situation, a good friend of mine married a man who'd been married before and had kids from this marriage. Friend dates this guy (kids are teens now) and during their courtship he states that he's "open" to having more kids. Fast forward a few years, friend is now married to this guy who has now stated he DOES NOT want anymore kids (his kids are now grown). Friend says she's okay with this however this has caused SERIOUS problems with her relationship with her mom. Her mom wants grandkids....friend tells mom that her stepkids are her grandkids. Mom says it's not the same. Friend says mom doesn't like her hubby because she thinks he's selfish...

Friend has confided in me that she wants to have a baby but it's not a "necessity"...saying that she doesn't think it's worth trying to change DH's mind. Friend also thinks mom should just deal with it. She asked me what I thought

BTW, friend is an only child

What do you ladies think?

 

[fmnnity]

It's not cool what the DH did. But the wife has chosen to go along with it. So her mother needs to mind her own business. I think the MIL is dead wrong to try to get someone else to take on such a huge responsibility so that she can get what she wants (ie grandchildren). Maybe she can volunteer with infants somewhere.

I totally get what you are saying but if I were her mom I'd be beyond pissed. She is her only child and she doesn't get to be a nana. Oh hell no. I'd be livid. In my family you are not a mother until you are a grandmother so it's a big deal with us culturally.

 

[hopeful]

I don't think I could be married to a man who could deny me the joy of being a mother.

 

[Tarae]

Mom does need to deal with it, which is unfortunate for her.
But if your friend really wants a child, I don't understand how she can be with her husband. That's not something you just compromise on, IMO. She obviously wants to have a baby. His switching up on her is not cool, at all, even though his "openness" prior to marriage would've had me a bit when the children discussion first happened.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

Mom does need to deal with it, which is unfortunate for her.
But if your friend really wants a child, I don't understand how she can be with her husband. That's not something you just compromise on, IMO. She obviously wants to have a baby. His switching up on her is not cool, at all, even though his "openness" prior to marriage would've had me a bit when the children discussion first happened.

I agree. I really think she wants to have a baby but is suppressing her desires due to her DH's change of heart. Her DH is also about 9 years older than she is

 

[sumertyme08]

Her DH never definitively said he wanted to have more children. He's not being selfish, he's been there done that and never told her that he wanted to do it again. As sad as it is she settled now it's up to her to determine if she wants to continue to settle....or if she wants to move onto someone who can fulfill all her needs....

 

[Almaz]

I would leave that is just me. I know a lady that that happened too whilst her husband had children with another woman. Men really need to make up their minds and women should listen closely.

 

[daydreem2876]

that would be a deal breaker. because even though i could live with not having children, i would no longer be able to trust him to keep his word, that would be the larger issue for me. there is such truth in the saying "word is bond". i would be doubtful, looking for other ways he lied to me, wondering what other thought he is keeping. to me, her husband knew that having children was one of the desires of her heart when he married her and he broke that promise.

 

[Zaynab]

Well I would have gotten a clear yes or no answer on this. I couldn't marry a person who did not at all want to have kids. IT would be a dealbreaker for me and I think the resentment would be too much.

However, I wonder if this was a case in which we as women didn't listen to what the man said. He had been married, his kids were older...did your friend interpret, I don't know or maybe to "I could change his mind after we get married and I press the issue for a few years". I'm only asking because alot of times women only hear what they want.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I don't think I could be married to a man who could deny me the joy of being a mother.

Especially knowing that she wanted to be a mother when he asked her to marry him.

I know I'd be sitting there bitter as hell if somebody pulled this on me.
~~~~~~~~~~

Not only is this trifling, it's a little suspect. It almost sounds like he doesn't want to have any leftover attachments to her if he's planning a way out of the relationship.

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

Especially knowing that she wanted to be a mother when he asked her to marry him.

I know I'd be sitting there bitter as hell if somebody pulled this on me.
~~~~~~~~~~

Not only is this trifling, it's a little suspect. It almost sounds like he doesn't want to have any leftover attachments to her if he's planning a way out of the relationship.

Id definitely be thinking something like that as awful as it sounds. I feel offended ocassionally when dh suggests its not the right time to have kids which we both go back and forth on, although he very much wants to have them.

 

[Bene]

I don't want kids. Fortunately, I'm with someone who doesn't care either way, but we're comfortable with our life sans crumbsnatchers. If it happens, then we'll make up our minds whether or not to keep it or get rid of it. But, we're making sure it's not something we have to deal with.


However, I don't think it's fair to assume that the dude withheld information. Maybe at the time they were dating he was open to having children, and now years later, seeing that he realizes how much easier life is now that there aren't any kids to pay for, he decides he doesn't want children. It doesn't mean he lied, it just means he changed his mind. Maybe he wants to enjoy part of his adult life without having to worry so much about children.


Furthermore (from how I'm reading it), it seems like the only problem in this situation is the mom. I don't care for how parents seem to act like they get a vote in an adult's reproductive life.

 

[Bunny77]

I don't know the full story, but sometimes, we need to listen a LOT more closely before we get involved with a man.

Case in point: I went on a date with a nice cop who happened to have gotten married young. Got married at 18, had three kids (one died, unfortunately), so here he was 38 with two kids. One kid was 20.

Now, I'm 31, so a 38-year-old man is not too old for me. He was saying that he was tired of being single and enjoyed being married, but he and his ex-wife were just too young to really know what they were doing.

Fine... however, the more he talked, the more he told on himself. He asked if I wanted to be married and have kids, and I said yes. He then said, "Wow, that would be so weird for me to have another baby at this point in my life."

(I was really quiet.)

He quickly recovered and said, "But it would be exciting though, because any time a new life comes into the world, it's exciting. So I'm sure I'd be excited."

It was just one date that we had, but I decided not to make it a second, even though he was really nice. A man with a 20-year-old and a 13-year-old who seemed hesitant about a new baby is NOT someone I should be testing... imagine if we had gotten more serious and then he later said that he really didn't want kids. Then what?

Pay attention ladies!!!

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

Well I would have gotten a clear yes or no answer on this. I couldn't marry a person who did not at all want to have kids. IT would be a dealbreaker for me and I think the resentment would be too much.

However, I wonder if this was a case in which we as women didn't listen to what the man said. He had been married, his kids were older...did your friend interpret, I don't know or maybe to "I could change his mind after we get married and I press the issue for a few years". I'm only asking because alot of times women only hear what they want.

I asked her this very same question. She says when they were dating his response was always "I'm open to having more children." She said in year two of their marriage (they've been married for 7 yrs now), the subject of kids came up and he flat out said he doesn't want to have any more kids.

 

[Lucie]

I would throw the deuces minus one. He is not becoming a vegetarian, or shaving his head bald. He is reneging on something major. He can go, one himself.

 

[MD_Lady]

Ok ladies, here's the situation, a good friend of mine married a man who'd been married before and had kids from this marriage. Friend dates this guy (kids are teens now) and during their courtship he states that he's "open" to having more kids. Fast forward a few years, friend is now married to this guy who has now stated he DOES NOT want anymore kids (his kids are now grown). Friend says she's okay with this however this has caused SERIOUS problems with her relationship with her mom. Her mom wants grandkids....friend tells mom that her stepkids are her grandkids. Mom says it's not the same. Friend says mom doesn't like her hubby because she thinks he's selfish...

Friend has confided in me that she wants to have a baby but it's not a "necessity"...saying that she doesn't think it's worth trying to change DH's mind. Friend also thinks mom should just deal with it. She asked me what I thought

BTW, friend is an only child

What do you ladies think?

The red is what matters most here; the blue isn't a factor in the decision making process. I completely understand her mother's feelings, but her mother is the selfish one for disregarding the feelings or her daughter and SIL. While I would be very disappointed if DH changed his mind midway, his reasons for doing so would impact how upset I was or if it was a dealbreaker.

 

[newbiemom]

Wow....this is a doozy. Parenting is normally something feel pretty strongly about. If she feels she can be happy without kids then she should stay with hubby and unfortunately her mom is gonna have to deal but I think since she has mentioned wanting a child this is going to fester in their relationship and become ugly. He should not have lied to her and the moment he notice a change in his feeling he should have brought it up. It is not fair to deny her what he has enjoyed. Maybe they can compromise and only have 1 child instead of a large family. SInce his kids are older maybe they will help out sometimes and she has granny in waiting ready to assist. I think she needs to have a long, hard discussion about if this. If it were me I would have to go, being a mother wa always very high on my list.

 

[pisceschica]

Wow....this is a doozy. Parenting is normally something feel pretty strongly about. If she feels she can be happy without kids then she should stay with hubby and unfortunately her mom is gonna have to deal but I think since she has mentioned wanting a child this is going to fester in their relationship and become ugly. He should not have lied to her and the moment he notice a change in his feeling he should have brought it up. It is not fair to deny her what he has enjoyed. Maybe they can compromise and only have 1 child instead of a large family. SInce his kids are older maybe they will help out sometimes and she has granny in waiting ready to assist. I think she needs to have a long, hard discussion about if this. If it were me I would have to go, being a mother wa always very high on my list.

Agree with the bold. Outside of the meddling mother this is definitely something her friend would hold against her husband either externally or internally. If she is suppressing feelings of wanting to be a mother she may bottle up a lot of resentment against him and possibly blowup one day. Or later on in her life really regret not having the opportunity to become a parent.

You can't really compromise on having children; you either want them or you don't. His issue isn't the number of children but having a child period. I think the friend is going to have to deal with it.

 

[Duchesse]

If she is really okay with it, then I don't think that is a big problem. But it's only if she is seriously, deep down in her heart okay with not having children of her own. By the tone of your post though, it seems as if she is just conceding for the sake of peace with DH. If that's the case, she's heading towards misery in her future.

 

[MizAvalon]

I'm responding without having read the rest of the thread yet. All that matters are the friend's feelings. If she is indifferent about having children, then what mom wants doesn't matter. What the friend and her husband do are no one else's business. That's a shame that she won't get any grandkids, but hey, you don't have any control over that.

However, if the friend wanted kids then that would be a flat out dealbreaker and a reason to divorce over.

And I'm not even going to rake the husband over the coals for his change of heart. When he originally said that he was "open" to having more kids, he probably did mean that at the time.

 

[JustKiya]

I asked her this very same question. She says when they were dating his response was always "I'm open to having more children." She said in year two of their marriage (they've been married for 7 yrs now), the subject of kids came up and he flat out said he doesn't want to have any more kids.

She thought she could change his mind, and now, five years later, she doesn't want to feel like she's 'wasted' all that time trying to change his mind, and she doesn't want to try to start a new marriage/relationship at this point either, so she's giving up on having children.

It's sad, but she walked to this point with open eyes.

I would have handed him divorce papers within 5 days of him having told me he didn't want to have kids - 5 years ago.

 

[sprungonhairboards]

She thought she could change his mind, and now, five years later, she doesn't want to feel like she's 'wasted' all that time trying to change his mind, and she doesn't want to try to start a new marriage/relationship at this point either, so she's giving up on having children.

It's sad, but she walked to this point with open eyes.

I would have handed him divorce papers within 5 days of him having told me he didn't want to have kids - 5 years ago.

Yep

 

[honeybuni84]

well for me that is gonna have to be a deal breaker. it is one of those things that is soo very life altering that both parties need to be on the same page before they say i do.. Being "open" is to vague to be walking down the isle with anyone.
But let me play devils advocate here, I can understand where the husband is coming from.. to have raised your kids and be done.. It is hard to explain to the person that you really want to be with that children are out of the question. From someone who knows all that goes into raising kids, he may not want to go through it again. Most people look at you like you shot a puppy when you say " no kids for me". That is hard to say. I know that feeling and well its hard...

But at the end of the day he is wrong, but she should have found out a little more about his feelings about the matter... Keeping things " open" is not ok at all for something so major.. If she really wants kids, i would say she would have to leave him..

 

[aribell]

That'd be a difficult one. But as for the friend, it seems like the mother is causing more drama for her than the husband. So she should deal with her mom, since she seems to have made her peace with not having kids.