What type of things should a man do for you?

[MamitaLolita]

I have numerous times been upset and embarrassed because I've ended up doing things that others say my man should be doing for me. I.e over the winter I was shoveling snow off my car and my coworker saw me and mentioned in the office that my man should've done it for me. Yesterday I mentioned going to get my oil changed and a coworker said 'why don't you have your boo do it?'. I got up this morning and asked him to come with me and he wanted to stay in bed. I was furious and said some things I shouldn't have said but at this point I'm at a loss. Things have already been rough and now he's slacking to keep his place in this relationship.

I am extremely prideful and have been alone long enough to have my own, however I like the thought of having a man meaning that some of the burden can be taken off of me just on the occasions that he's around. I can't help but feel that a man wouldn't let his woman shovel snow off her car if he could do it, or take on things that are causing her stress.

It's just irritating me and I feel like this is the last straw. He has not made himself worth it lately and the most he could do to ask me to stay was send a bouquet of flowers. things like that take no effort, I need actual compassion and selflessness.

Sorry for the rant. Opinions?

 

[SweetlyCurly]

In my early 20s I was dating this guy who I eventually got engaged to and I remember my mom always being on me about me doing too much: I would pay on some dates, I wouldn't mind meeting him somewhere instead of being picked up at home, etc. I thought of myself as an independent lady and didn't see the point or need to have someone take care of me. Boy was I wrong!!! My dear mother was right...in a relationship you have to let the man show what he can do for you...even when you are well aware that you can do it by yourself. Here is why:

1. I read this quote and it made a whole lot of sense to me. "Real women can do it all by themselves. REAL MEN WON'T LET THEM"

2. In one of Steve Harvey's books I read something that has been voiced by my father and other male friends: men pride themselves in being provided and protectors.

After you think about those two things and relate it to your situation this is what you have to reflect on.
-Men sometimes get too comfortable in their relationships. Since you have gotten him used to doing things on your own he probably doesn't see the need but let's say that you, for example, had to shovel that driveway and you casually mention that your hot neighbor saw you struggling with it and came to your aid to do that for you...I promise you, you will never have to do that task again.
-in some cases some guys (my dating in my 20s guy included), just don't do any effort. They don't see the need. At this point in my life I just assume they don't care enough. Men who do care about their woman will go above and beyond for them to feel safe and protected.

 

[Country gal]

I had an older co worker tell me years ago that he could tell I didn't have a man taking care of me. My boots weren't polished. He said a real man wouldn't let his woman come out the house looking any kind of way.

 

[LiftedUp]

Digging under the hoods of cars. When I see women doing that, I always wonder if they don't have men in their lives. Not necessarily a boyfriend but father, brother, cousin, somebody?

Also, the society that we live in are raising these types of men. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend telling me that his grandmother and mother were "strong, independent black women". I told him that they were strong, independent, single black women. The things that he expect me to do myself would be very different given the household that I grew up in. I grew up with my father doing the manual, laborious tasks and had my brother helping him do it. Therefore, there are things that I just will not do and that I expect him to do period.

 

[ScorpioLove]

Anything car related I don't do. I have a brother, dad, and a lot of car enthusiast guy friends who would help if I ever needed it.
Manual, heavy lifting labor is something guys should take pride in doing.

Eta:after my bro does something I need him to do (heavy lifting, opening a jar etc) he's all like "who's the man" and do a little chest pound. I find it funny to watch

 

[CaraWalker]

they should do any lifting at any time. if doesnt have to be heavy. if i'm carrying a gym bag, he needs to be carrying it for me. my ex lives downtown, and sometimes we would walk like a mile or so to trader joes. unless we had too many for him to manage, he would carry all the bags and i would carry none instead of us each carrying one, or two.

personally i like my men to either cook or wash the dishes. preferably both. but i would be highly irritated if i had cooked and he didnt automatically wash the dishes. this is something i picked up from the last few guys i dated long term.

he should get your drinks at the bar while you stay at the table.

he should never stop opening doors.

i learned in one relationship its not for me to date a guy who sticks to hardlined rules about who pays and when. now i date men who always pay unless i offer. its not the same as a guy who asks you to pay that you could reject right away. guys who put too fine a point on when it's your turn to pay aint getting it either.

i like mine to go fetch things. like if i have a case of water in the car, he should bring it up to my third floor apartment. "oh, i have a case of water in the trunk" "give me your keys." i leave it there until he's around to carry it for me. if i want something from another room he goes to get it for me. that happens with varying degrees though, i find some guys do this deliberately and others might do it if it occurs to them, or as a natural instinct without your asking.

any sort of home improvement or anything that involves the use of hardware or tools. my mom, and sometimes my sister, does all this building furniture and floor/cabinetry etc work... in my house, i'm leaving whatever it is right there until he comes to fix it. i once had a date with a guy watching a movie at my place and i had him put together my end tables.

 

[GraceJones]

OP, not to be blunt but that would make me hottttttt. It seems like this man isn't the man for you. These types of things really can't be "learnt" as a man has to have these priorities instilled. Who wants to "train" a man anyway? Is he a dog or man? You train animals, you don't train people.

I hope I'm not projecting but do you really want this to continue for the rest of your life? You needing help and the man you're with saying he would rather do something else? Would you want your future daughter seeing that? These types of men seem rather selfish and that selfishness carries on to other parts of the relationship such as financial, emotional, sexual, etc.

I would move on.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

MamitaLolita

Was he raised with his dad around? I honestly think that men learn masculine habits at home and if he did not have his dad or a male figure around, he had to learn such habits from the women who raised him. If his mom didn't teach him, then he had to learn through the women he dated and since all of us have different things we will and will not tolerate while dating, he may not know any better.

As an example of what men tend to do, DH handles anything car related from making repairs and taking the car to the shop when needed and digging out the cars when it snows. He carries all shopping bags and anything heavy. I hate that he won't ever make two trips but he would never ask me to carry anything. I do always try to grab the eggs since I worry that he will drop them by carrying 10 bags at once. He takes care of home repairs that the maintenance staff doesn't handle. He takes the trash out, a job that he's had since like age 6.

He does the laundry, ironing, vacuuming, mopping and he has bathroom duty but I don't think most men handle all of those things. It works for us though.

I have numerous times been upset and embarrassed because I've ended up doing things that others say my man should be doing for me. I.e over the winter I was shoveling snow off my car and my coworker saw me and mentioned in the office that my man should've done it for me. Yesterday I mentioned going to get my oil changed and a coworker said 'why don't you have your boo do it?'. I got up this morning and asked him to come with me and he wanted to stay in bed. I was furious and said some things I shouldn't have said but at this point I'm at a loss. Things have already been rough and now he's slacking to keep his place in this relationship.

I am extremely prideful and have been alone long enough to have my own, however I like the thought of having a man meaning that some of the burden can be taken off of me just on the occasions that he's around. I can't help but feel that a man wouldn't let his woman shovel snow off her car if he could do it, or take on things that are causing her stress.

It's just irritating me and I feel like this is the last straw. He has not made himself worth it lately and the most he could do to ask me to stay was send a bouquet of flowers. things like that take no effort, I need actual compassion and selflessness.

Sorry for the rant. Opinions?

 

[nlamr2013]

If what you're doing is working for you don't let others tell you you're doing it wrong because people have all this advice on what he should be doing for you yet will stay with a dude who may be doing that stuff but also much worse things just to keep their man.

 

[nlamr2013]

Saying that yes if there is a man around I don't do manual work. In our home I won't touch the garbage bring my luggage up the steps etc
If there is a man around I expect the fire to be open.

When I get married I expect my car to stay maintained, as well as home repairs etc.

Basically treated like a lady

 

[LivingInPeace]

Your man should do what you want him to do. If you're doing things that don't sit well with you then don't do them.

My only hard and fast rule is, the man should kill the bug.

 

[GraceJones]

Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Does he respect women in general?

 

[MamitaLolita]

Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Does he respect women in general?

Yes, he and his mother are extremely close. He is protective over his sister and outside of that I don't know his general response toward woman but in our courting phase he was very respectful, he didn't even swear and never made sexual innuendos.

 

[MamitaLolita]

MamitaLolita Was he raised with his dad around? I honestly think that men learn masculine habits at home and if he did not have his dad or a male figure around, he had to learn such habits from the women who raised him. If his mom didn't teach him, then he had to learn through the women he dated and since all of us have different things we will and will not tolerate while dating, he may not know any better. As an example of what men tend to do, DH handles anything car related from making repairs and taking the car to the shop when needed and digging out the cars when it snows. He carries all shopping bags and anything heavy. I hate that he won't ever make two trips but he would never ask me to carry anything. I do always try to grab the eggs since I worry that he will drop them by carrying 10 bags at once. He takes care of home repairs that the maintenance staff doesn't handle. He takes the trash out, a job that he's had since like age 6. He does the laundry, ironing, vacuuming, mopping and he has bathroom duty but I don't think most men handle all of those things. It works for us though.

He was raised by his grandmother until high school, then he moved back to the main land with both his parents. He's actually not extremely knowledgable with cars like most men I'm used to dating.

 

[MamitaLolita]

Saying that yes if there is a man around I don't do manual work. In our home I won't touch the garbage bring my luggage up the steps etc If there is a man around I expect the fire to be open. When I get married I expect my car to stay maintained, as well as home repairs etc. Basically treated like a lady

That's the thing. He opens doors, carries the bags, even makes my breakfast in the morning. One day I needed tampons he ran out and got them for me. It seems like the big and obvious things are the ones he passes up.

 

[Foxglove]

Men aren't psychic. He can't read your mind so while you've been stewing over this he was oblivious then you blew up over something he didn't even know was an issue. If he's doing all those other things he isn't hopeless, he just didn't know. You just need to communicate with him (calmly) and don't assume he can read your mind or catch hints or innuendos

 

[Glib Gurl]

Men aren't psychic. He can't read your mind so while you've been stewing over this he was oblivious then you blew up over something he didn't even know was an issue. If he's doing all those other things he isn't hopeless, he just didn't know. You just need to communicate with him (calmly) and don't assume he can read your mind or catch hints or innuendos

DITTO!!!

OP, have you expressed to your mate that you would like his help with such things? While I'm very happy for the ladies who have men who came with the foresight to help out around the house and take such initiative. HOWEVER, not every man comes ready to go. Even "good men" who were raised in complete families. As someone said earlier they may have had bad role models or just picked up bad habits in previous relationships. A great example is my brother. We were raised in a Cosby-request household, but between my doting mom and his many girlfriends he got spoiled But through perseverance my SIL whipped him into shape. (The fact that I shade him when he gets lazy doesn't hurt.) Now he is a near model husband!

I say all of this to say not to call it quits based on assumptions and without communication. Good luck to you!!

 

[TopShelf]

he needs to do what YOU feel he needs to do.

I personally don't need a man to clean my car, open the car door, cook or wash my clothes. I can do those myself.

I do need him to lift heavy items, take the car to the mechanic (because they always rape me), assist with the household chores.

 

[tinkat]

I agree with communicating to him and you don't even have to tell him your concerns. Just straight up say baby can you get my oil changed and when he brings it back act like he saved the world lol. I do that all the time. My SO is naturally serving but there are still some things I had to mold him into doing. I find that if you show thanks for the little things men are eager to do it for you.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[hopeful]

That's the thing. He opens doors, carries the bags, even makes my breakfast in the morning. One day I needed tampons he ran out and got them for me. It seems like the big and obvious things are the ones he passes up.

Well it sounds like he wants to be a gentleman and take care of you. I would communicate clearly what I wanted, once, then observe. I'm glad people said those things to you. You don't know what you don't know. Sometimes it takes having someone point things out to you for you to realize something is wrong or that you want more. The things he is currently doing are not small either , be appreciative for what he does, okay? You just want more and that's okay. I would suggest sitting down and thinking about some of the things you would like him to do that would make you really happy, then share with him slowly, like maybe focus on the car first. Hopefully he will be accommodating.