What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity

E.g.

"I feel so odd compared to most people because I really could not care less about sex or sexual activity of any kind. I think I could go my entire life without sex and I just don't understad what the "big deal" is about SOs not wanting to, not initiating, etc.

Is there anyone else who is rather indifferent about sex? Or maybe someone who WAS that way and then changed? If so, what exactly caused the change?"


"You're not alone!!! Hugs to you...I dread it actually. It never crossed my mind and I'm never in the mood for it....I dreaded it to conceive but wanted kids so badly. So I had to do it. I just don't get the hype with it all and it does not make me feel closer to my spouse.

CNN did an article on ppl who consider themselves asexual. So we aren't alone. And some were men even :)"


"I feel like I am like this too. I was very sexual before DH (dear husband) and I got serious. So for the last 5 years or so I have had no sexual desires. Not sure if it's an attraction thing or what. I love him and I think he is handsome, but I can totally live without sex.

Do you think it's hormonal?"


"My lack of interest was a BIG issue in my marriage the first 2 years, because before that, we'd been a lot more sexually active. I hated that I wasn't able to show my husband more desire, and honestly don't understand it. I find him incredibly attractive and we have an amazing relationship, so I have no idea why I dislike sex so much. Literally if I could take a pill to fix this, I would do it in a heartbeat."


"Im on boat with u guys..dh sometimes gets frustrated n feels im just not attracted to him...n then I have to remind him I dont feel like that for anyone... I try being as sexual as possible..but I feel im ok if I dont do it...told my doc when we were trying to conceive she didn't seem concerned. ..but I do feel bad for dh...he loves me n does everything so I feel I should b able to satisfy him but many times it doesn't happen...actually mostly doesn't happen.."


"I hate not wanting sex and wish I had a strong sex drive but i'd just rather not be touched. My husband is really good looking and I can see it but I just don't want someone groping me. I feel really bad about it."


"The weird thing is, I was always very sexual in past relationships. I had very heated and passionate "love affairs" with boyfriends and I considered it to be a very healthy sex life. Then after meeting DH, it just all went away. We were fairly active in the first year or so, but after that, we hardly ever have sex. And it's made me feel so horribly guilty because he is the BEST husband I could ever have imagined. He treats me like a queen and is so so so good to me, and he of course wants sex with me all the time and I just have zero interest...that is the ONE thing missing from our marriage - other than that we are so awesome together. And i do feel like I'm missing out on having that with him, but I just don't feel that way about him. It's so screwed up and I'm sure it's a mental thing. I can't imagine doing some of the things I've done in the past with others, with my DH. He has admitted in the past he feels like he got gipped and didn't get that part of me. But he's always been so understanding of our sex life, which shows what a great man he is. "


"I wouldn't mind if never had sex again. Sometimes it bothers my husband, but for the most part it really isn't an issue because he's not a very sexual person either. We just never had sex enough to get good at it and feel completely comfortable with each other in that way. We have had sex once since I got pregnant. I really wish we had a "can't keep your hands off each other" type of relationship, but we just don't :( we have a great marriage tho."


"This is my husband and I's situation as well. We both consider ourselves asexual. We can go months without sex and not even realize it. Our relationship is extremely fulfilling in many other ways. We have talked many times about us both not wanting/needing sex, and the conclusion is that we are just more connected on a different level that sex doesn't fill."


"You're definitely not alone. Dh and I hardly ever have sex. 1 time since we got pregnant! After I had Ds 2 years ago it took us 10 months to have sex again. We only had sex maybe 5 times in the next year and then I found out I was pregnant again. He's fine with it, I'm fine with it. We're both pretty asexual. I mean he would always jump at the opportunity If I lead him to it..... but no thanks. Just not interested"


This is just a sample. I left out the pregnant/new moms for obvious reasons. These are not scorned women. They love their husbands and feel they are treated well. They just aren't having sex. It's real.
 
^^Very real. There are loads of women who enter marriage more for companionship and motherhood and don't want to be touched once they have their kids. Look at all of the sitcoms-there's a reason why the troupe of a hungry, begging man is always chasing the wife is so popular.

We had a talk two weeks ago about it. DH asked me why do I rarely initiate sex. I told him that I feel that my job is to be beautiful and sexy and it's his job to chase me. My rational is though I enjoy sex, he definitely wants it way more than me so he has to put in the work. Perhaps it's unfair, but I need to be seduced verbally and physically whereas he gets turned on by just looking at me. It works for us, but I can see how some men may want to look for easier game since they too have egos. Maybe I need to be nicer:)
 
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I wonder if there is a bit of delusion in some of these responses. I don't give husband sex but we have great life together. Yeah right!!! I would love to hear the husbands' perspective on these great lives.

On another note, is loving someone as they claim not enough to sacrifice having sex with them even if you don't like it?

Southernbella. said:
E.g.

"I feel so odd compared to most people because I really could not care less about sex or sexual activity of any kind. I think I could go my entire life without sex and I just don't understad what the "big deal" is about SOs not wanting to, not initiating, etc.

Is there anyone else who is rather indifferent about sex? Or maybe someone who WAS that way and then changed? If so, what exactly caused the change?"


"You're not alone!!! Hugs to you...I dread it actually. It never crossed my mind and I'm never in the mood for it....I dreaded it to conceive but wanted kids so badly. So I had to do it. I just don't get the hype with it all and it does not make me feel closer to my spouse.

CNN did an article on ppl who consider themselves asexual. So we aren't alone. And some were men even :)"


"I feel like I am like this too. I was very sexual before DH (dear husband) and I got serious. So for the last 5 years or so I have had no sexual desires. Not sure if it's an attraction thing or what. I love him and I think he is handsome, but I can totally live without sex.

Do you think it's hormonal?"


"My lack of interest was a BIG issue in my marriage the first 2 years, because before that, we'd been a lot more sexually active. I hated that I wasn't able to show my husband more desire, and honestly don't understand it. I find him incredibly attractive and we have an amazing relationship, so I have no idea why I dislike sex so much. Literally if I could take a pill to fix this, I would do it in a heartbeat."


"Im on boat with u guys..dh sometimes gets frustrated n feels im just not attracted to him...n then I have to remind him I dont feel like that for anyone... I try being as sexual as possible..but I feel im ok if I dont do it...told my doc when we were trying to conceive she didn't seem concerned. ..but I do feel bad for dh...he loves me n does everything so I feel I should b able to satisfy him but many times it doesn't happen...actually mostly doesn't happen.."


"I hate not wanting sex and wish I had a strong sex drive but i'd just rather not be touched. My husband is really good looking and I can see it but I just don't want someone groping me. I feel really bad about it."


"The weird thing is, I was always very sexual in past relationships. I had very heated and passionate "love affairs" with boyfriends and I considered it to be a very healthy sex life. Then after meeting DH, it just all went away. We were fairly active in the first year or so, but after that, we hardly ever have sex. And it's made me feel so horribly guilty because he is the BEST husband I could ever have imagined. He treats me like a queen and is so so so good to me, and he of course wants sex with me all the time and I just have zero interest...that is the ONE thing missing from our marriage - other than that we are so awesome together. And i do feel like I'm missing out on having that with him, but I just don't feel that way about him. It's so screwed up and I'm sure it's a mental thing. I can't imagine doing some of the things I've done in the past with others, with my DH. He has admitted in the past he feels like he got gipped and didn't get that part of me. But he's always been so understanding of our sex life, which shows what a great man he is. "


"I wouldn't mind if never had sex again. Sometimes it bothers my husband, but for the most part it really isn't an issue because he's not a very sexual person either. We just never had sex enough to get good at it and feel completely comfortable with each other in that way. We have had sex once since I got pregnant. I really wish we had a "can't keep your hands off each other" type of relationship, but we just don't :( we have a great marriage tho."


"This is my husband and I's situation as well. We both consider ourselves asexual. We can go months without sex and not even realize it. Our relationship is extremely fulfilling in many other ways. We have talked many times about us both not wanting/needing sex, and the conclusion is that we are just more connected on a different level that sex doesn't fill."


"You're definitely not alone. Dh and I hardly ever have sex. 1 time since we got pregnant! After I had Ds 2 years ago it took us 10 months to have sex again. We only had sex maybe 5 times in the next year and then I found out I was pregnant again. He's fine with it, I'm fine with it. We're both pretty asexual. I mean he would always jump at the opportunity If I lead him to it..... but no thanks. Just not interested"


This is just a sample. I left out the pregnant/new moms for obvious reasons. These are not scorned women. They love their husbands and feel they are treated well. They just aren't having sex. It's real.
Click to expand...
 
abioni said:
I wonder if there is a bit of delusion in some of these responses. I don't give husband sex but we have great life together. Yeah right!!! I would love to hear the husbands' perspective on these great lives.

On another note, is loving someone as they claim not enough to sacrifice having sex with them even if you don't like it?
Click to expand...

Are you married? It makes perfect sense to me.
 
abioni said:
What part makes sense?
Click to expand...

Not having sex but still enjoying each other and feeling happy. Sex is just a part of a marriage. There are lots of other ways people can have a strong relationship without it or even at a low level. They can enjoy each other's company, have common financial goals, share each other's dreams, travel together and raise a family together.

For some couples it's the ideal situation. Especially for women who never enjoyed sex. It's not a guaranteed pleasurable experience for many women. A lot of men suck in bed but have other benefits.

Same way how people can have amazing sex all the time yet have a retched relationship.

Passion does but compatibility and companionship can go a long way to foster a long term relationship.
 
abioni said:
I wonder if there is a bit of delusion in some of these responses. I don't give husband sex but we have great life together. Yeah right!!! I would love to hear the husbands' perspective on these great lives.

On another note, is loving someone as they claim not enough to sacrifice having sex with them even if you don't like it?
Click to expand...
I had the same thoughts. If these husbands said they wanted to stay in these happy marriages but wanted to have sex with other people to fill the physical needs, would that be acceptable to these wives since they have no interest in sex? Or would they feel like the husbands needed to suck it up and go without?
 
OhTall1 said:
I had the same thoughts. If these husbands said they wanted to stay in these happy marriages but wanted to have sex with other people to fill the physical needs, would that be acceptable to these wives since they have no interest in sex? Or would they feel like the husbands needed to suck it up and go without?
Click to expand...

In the past, a mistress would be the accepted answer. Men married to create offspring and carry the family name and had their other woman for pleasure.

Nowadays, it depends on the woman. Some don't care if he cheats, as long as he's discreet and does not interfere with the duties of the household. They live separate lives but stay together for finances and family connection.
 
abioni said:
I wonder if there is a bit of delusion in some of these responses. I don't give husband sex but we have great life together. Yeah right!!! I would love to hear the husbands' perspective on these great lives.

On another note, is loving someone as they claim not enough to sacrifice having sex with them even if you don't like it?
Click to expand...

I think we saw what the responses likely are in the op. Scared to rock the boat/upset wifey so they go along to get along and do their thing on the side. I'm sure there are some who just deal with it and suffer faithfully.
 
Southernbella. said:
I think we saw what the responses likely are in the op. Scared to rock the boat/upset wifey so they go along to get along and do their thing on the side. I'm sure there are some who just deal with it and suffer faithfully.
Click to expand...

But if we are honest, we see it in our everyday interactions. I have several friends that stick by their man even if he's obviously cheating. They just turn a blind eye and pretend that everything is fine. I've learned to bite my tongue and be supportive when they accept the truth.

I'm quite sure all my aunts stayed in sexless marriages and they are currently happy to live independently from their husbands, even if they are legally married and live in the same household. Sex isn't the driving force for a large portion of women.
 
Southernbella. said:
E.g.

"I feel so odd compared to most people because I really could not care less about sex or sexual activity of any kind. I think I could go my entire life without sex and I just don't understad what the "big deal" is about SOs not wanting to, not initiating, etc.

Is there anyone else who is rather indifferent about sex? Or maybe someone who WAS that way and then changed? If so, what exactly caused the change?"


"You're not alone!!! Hugs to you...I dread it actually. It never crossed my mind and I'm never in the mood for it....I dreaded it to conceive but wanted kids so badly. So I had to do it. I just don't get the hype with it all and it does not make me feel closer to my spouse.

CNN did an article on ppl who consider themselves asexual. So we aren't alone. And some were men even :)"


"I feel like I am like this too. I was very sexual before DH (dear husband) and I got serious. So for the last 5 years or so I have had no sexual desires. Not sure if it's an attraction thing or what. I love him and I think he is handsome, but I can totally live without sex.

Do you think it's hormonal?"


"My lack of interest was a BIG issue in my marriage the first 2 years, because before that, we'd been a lot more sexually active. I hated that I wasn't able to show my husband more desire, and honestly don't understand it. I find him incredibly attractive and we have an amazing relationship, so I have no idea why I dislike sex so much. Literally if I could take a pill to fix this, I would do it in a heartbeat."


"Im on boat with u guys..dh sometimes gets frustrated n feels im just not attracted to him...n then I have to remind him I dont feel like that for anyone... I try being as sexual as possible..but I feel im ok if I dont do it...told my doc when we were trying to conceive she didn't seem concerned. ..but I do feel bad for dh...he loves me n does everything so I feel I should b able to satisfy him but many times it doesn't happen...actually mostly doesn't happen.."


"I hate not wanting sex and wish I had a strong sex drive but i'd just rather not be touched. My husband is really good looking and I can see it but I just don't want someone groping me. I feel really bad about it."


"The weird thing is, I was always very sexual in past relationships. I had very heated and passionate "love affairs" with boyfriends and I considered it to be a very healthy sex life. Then after meeting DH, it just all went away. We were fairly active in the first year or so, but after that, we hardly ever have sex. And it's made me feel so horribly guilty because he is the BEST husband I could ever have imagined. He treats me like a queen and is so so so good to me, and he of course wants sex with me all the time and I just have zero interest...that is the ONE thing missing from our marriage - other than that we are so awesome together. And i do feel like I'm missing out on having that with him, but I just don't feel that way about him. It's so screwed up and I'm sure it's a mental thing. I can't imagine doing some of the things I've done in the past with others, with my DH. He has admitted in the past he feels like he got gipped and didn't get that part of me. But he's always been so understanding of our sex life, which shows what a great man he is. "


"I wouldn't mind if never had sex again. Sometimes it bothers my husband, but for the most part it really isn't an issue because he's not a very sexual person either. We just never had sex enough to get good at it and feel completely comfortable with each other in that way. We have had sex once since I got pregnant. I really wish we had a "can't keep your hands off each other" type of relationship, but we just don't :( we have a great marriage tho."


"This is my husband and I's situation as well. We both consider ourselves asexual. We can go months without sex and not even realize it. Our relationship is extremely fulfilling in many other ways. We have talked many times about us both not wanting/needing sex, and the conclusion is that we are just more connected on a different level that sex doesn't fill."


"You're definitely not alone. Dh and I hardly ever have sex. 1 time since we got pregnant! After I had Ds 2 years ago it took us 10 months to have sex again. We only had sex maybe 5 times in the next year and then I found out I was pregnant again. He's fine with it, I'm fine with it. We're both pretty asexual. I mean he would always jump at the opportunity If I lead him to it..... but no thanks. Just not interested"


This is just a sample. I left out the pregnant/new moms for obvious reasons. These are not scorned women. They love their husbands and feel they are treated well. They just aren't having sex. It's real.
Click to expand...

I see a lot of women saying the men are asexual too so it’s ok. I think they’re fooling themselves here.
 
I can see his happening based on the examples. I’ve always had a high sex drive, but since I hit the third trimester I can live without it. I do it anyway though because it makes DH happy & it doesn’t take long when I use a few tricks on him.

So how long does it take your sex drive to come back after a baby & what can you do to ensure you don’t end up like some of the women mentioned above? Sorry to derail the thread. Let me know if I need to remove the comment.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
I see a lot of women saying the men are asexual too so it’s ok. I think they’re fooling themselves here.
Click to expand...

My friend was married to an asexual man. It’s possible. He never wanted to have sex. Ever. He acted like it was a chore.

ETA- idk why I just didn’t tag her because it’s stuff she’s mentioned here before so I believe she’s comfortable with me repeating it lol @PrissiSippi
 
PeaceLover said:
I can see his happening based on the examples. I’ve always had a high sex drive, but since I hit the third trimester I can live without it. I do it anyway though because it makes DH happy & it doesn’t take long when I use a few tricks on him.

So how long does it take your sex drive to come back after a baby & what can you do to ensure you don’t end up like some of the women mentioned above? Sorry to derail the thread. Let me know if I need to remove the comment.
Click to expand...

Took me til the end of breastfeeding which unfortunately was almost four years in total
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
Yeah if that was the case throughout the relationship I can see it. But if y’all were getting it in before I don’t see men all of a sudden being asexual.
Click to expand...

I've seen it. These are men who married their wives and lost the attraction over time. One situation was after the woman gained weight. He would joke and say "...my wife ate my girlfriend..."

Another claimed that early on in the marriage, she was always the one asking for it and he was never in the mood. However, he was constantly out the house, sleeping with other women. I think in that case, he never liked her.

In both cases, the woman was the breadwinner and the male was a SAHM. I think the constant cheating was about lack of attraction but also a way to reaffirm their masculinity.
 
PeaceLover said:
I can see his happening based on the examples. I’ve always had a high sex drive, but since I hit the third trimester I can live without it. I do it anyway though because it makes DH happy & it doesn’t take long when I use a few tricks on him.

So how long does it take your sex drive to come back after a baby & what can you do to ensure you don’t end up like some of the women mentioned above? Sorry to derail the thread. Let me know if I need to remove the comment.
Click to expand...

Please PM me those tricks sis :look:
 
Southernbella. said:
Iono yall. There are women who flat out decide they no longer like sex and refuse to have it with their husbands, or they have it very rarely. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. And it's not because of infidelity or wrongdoing on their husbands' parts. I'm not saying this is always the case. I'm saying there are enough cases for me to believe the author.
Click to expand...

I wonder can marriages last long term like this? It seems more of a roommate situation which is a recipe for disaster. I understand how the women feel that sex isn't a part of marriage but its key to bonding/ intimacy. Sex is extremely important in a marriage for me otherwise I'm just a roommate that takes care of kids.
 
brownb83 said:
I wonder can marriages last long term like this? It seems more of a roommate situation which is a recipe for disaster. I understand how the women feel that sex isn't a part of marriage but its key to bonding/ intimacy. Sex is extremely important in a marriage for me otherwise I'm just a roommate that takes care of kids.
Click to expand...

And that's the case for some marriages, especially in the past. The expectation of a woman being sexually satisfied in marriage is a fairly new concept brought on the sexual revolution of 70's and birth control. Before, sex was mainly for the male's benefit and for the purpose of procreation. Women were virgins and talking about/exploring sex was a taboo topic.

The thought that your husband should be a friend and constant lover is very modern. So even though it may be your norm, there are many couples who are satisfied because they either approach marriage as a business arrangement with the purpose of rearing children and financial support or just to have a companion/travel buddy.

To the people saying they don't get -are you married? Cause that may be why it doesn't make sense. I think that romance novels and movies are a terrible depiction of marriage and women as a whole are very dishonest when they talk about the concept of marriage. Dating and even cohabitation is also not the same as being married.

It's hard to understand looking from the outside, but once you're married, you realize that there are many ways to have a stable marriage.
 
Southernbella. said:
Iono yall. There are women who flat out decide they no longer like sex and refuse to have it with their husbands, or they have it very rarely. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. And it's not because of infidelity or wrongdoing on their husbands' parts. I'm not saying this is always the case. I'm saying there are enough cases for me to believe the author.
Click to expand...
No you’re absolutely right like I said plenty of my married friends readily admit that they rarely if ever have sex...I don’t know any major issues and their husbands are the breadwinners. and here I am hornier than all get out alone panicking because I lost my neon pink vibrator that I must have lost while moving across the country. Lmao.
 
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Even though I totally can't relate, I am not going to downplay the decrease in libido that these women have experienced. If more research and money went into diagnosing and treating female sexual dysfunction as it does with erectile dysfunction then we would see less "roommate" situations.

We instead label these women as "frigid" or other things to make them feel bad about not wanting to sleep with their husbands.
 
Mai Tai said:
Even though I totally can't relate, I am not going to downplay the decrease in libido that these women have experienced. If more research and money went into diagnosing and treating female sexual dysfunction as it does with erectile dysfunction then we would see less "roommate" situations.

We instead label these women as "frigid" or other things to make them feel bad about not wanting to sleep with their husbands.
Click to expand...

Amen. There's a million reasons to not want to have sex. Many women have issues with abuse-rape, molestation, emotional and physical-which can make intimacy difficult. Some women settle for guys with tiny peens or poor stroke game. Some men let themselves go and are psychological drains, making sex a chore.

Throw in work, bills, kids, planning the family's life, hormonal changes, lack of me time, poor sleep, and normal aging. Then ask why some women don't want sex. Sounds silly, right?
 
Im glad someone mentioned that there a plenty of women not sexing their husbands because they just don't want to. On Reddit there's a whole section called "dead bedrooms". Dedicated to yhis dilemma.

It's naive to believe that it's always a man's fault if he can't figure out how to get intimacy from his own wife. Some of them cheat because they don't want a divorce, but their wives aren't offering alternatives.
 
C@ssandr@ said:
Im glad someone mentioned that there a plenty of women not sexing their husbands because they just don't want to. On Reddit there's a whole section called "dead bedrooms". Dedicated to yhis dilemma.

It's naive to believe that it's always a man's fault if he can't figure out how to get intimacy from his own wife. Some of them cheat because they don't want a divorce, but their wives aren't offering alternatives.
Click to expand...

Yes!!! My posts are not in defense of men. It's more an invitation to have an honest dialogue about female sexuality.
 
jerseyhaircare said:
Yes!!! My posts are not in defense of men. It's more an invitation to have an honest dialogue about female sexuality.
Click to expand...

Mine neither :lol: I know I can come off a certain way ( being matter of fact about dealing with taken men) but that's badically where I learned alternative perspectives. I don't get down like that these days since my values have evolved.

Anyway, despite being part of a patriarchal society, not all men are evil monsters looking to get over on us and shirk their fathetly duties the first chance they get. :look: Its commonplace, it seems, to villainize their every move. In reality, there are decent men out there. Also men have feelings too :shrug:
 
C@ssandr@ said:
Mine neither :lol: I know I can come off a certain way ( being matter of fact about dealing with taken men) but that's badically where I learned alternative perspectives. I don't get down like that these days since my values have evolved.

Anyway, despite being part of a patriarchal society, not all men are evil monsters looking to get over on us and shirk their fathetly duties the first chance they get. :look: Its commonplace, it seems, to villainize their every move. In reality, there are decent men out there. Also men have feelings too :shrug:
Click to expand...

Yes. My dh is a sweet man, alpha male with a heart of gold. Sometimes he gets so mushy, I tell him it feels like I'm in a lesbian relationship. I'm definitely not as touchy-feely as him, but it's nice to have a counter balance.

Back to you statement, it's hard to have a good dialogue with woman's about sex since so many want to appear to be 'good.' I'd rather be satisfied. I know I've made many decisions outside of the feminine moral code of conduct. Now that I'm older and tied down, I wish I did way more.:look::angeldevil:
 
FemmeFatale said:
In my humble opinion, I don’t think a lot women really enjoy sex or are even having orgasms. I think a lot of women exaggerate (especially the younger women).. and when you’re single (as in not married) it’s easier to hide the real you.
Click to expand...

Yup, I used to fake it when I was in my twenties and was more focused on pleasing the male. Now I'm self focused and upfront. I tell them I don't orgasm via penetration but discuss and explore all the other ways I derive pleasure-and let that be the main directive.
 
I wish the article had a different spin to it...just going off the title and responses since I didn’t read the article. More like, encouraging wives who stay with cheating husbands to cheat as well :look:
 
guudhair said:
I wish the article had a different spin to it...just going off the title and responses since I didn’t read the article. More like, encouraging wives who stay with cheating husbands to cheat as well :look:
Click to expand...

Actually, the author's point was to encourage the husbands to talk to their wives and be honest about their sexual needs. The message was fine, it was the messenger who was flawed.

The rest of the debate here is whether or not the wives are blameless in the situation.
 
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