What Changes When You Get Married?

[smwrigh3]

Everytime I hear people talk about marriage and relationships they always say everything changes.

The process of going from boyfriend/Girlfriend to Husband/Wife LEGALLY changes in the signing of a piece of paper there is no stopping of time and no glitch in the matrix so I often wonder what happens during that moment of time that changes everything.

Where this is coming from: I am watching something random on tv and the woman was with the guy for 3 yrs and divorcing after less than a yr of marriage and she said "Everything changed" and friend was like "What was different" and she was like "It was all different"

And please feel free to name the good with the bad...Im just laying in bed wondering what that "it" is...

and yes I am bored... I dont know why I took vacation this week after 2 weeks off!

 

[Daeuiel]

I would like to know this too. I asked a friend who has been married for over 2 years now, and she couldn't come up with anything!

 

[snillohsss]

I think you tend to find answers to questions like this when you poll newlyweds cause it's easier to see them. Now things merge all together. I also think it matters when (your age)you get married. I got married young so my husband and I changed together. So I can't think of any real changes that happened after marriage.

I think it's imperative to marry someone that is your friend as well. That's key! Many people don't do this.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

You can seem to see all the flaws that you were blind to before. For example, the things that you thought were "so cute" before now work your last nerve.

 

[MissMasala5]

There were drastic changes with my first marriage. Without going into too much detail, suffice is to say that he went from generous and doting lover to patriarchal tyrant.

 

[Britt]

I think it's imperative to marry someone that is your friend as well. That's key! Many people don't do this.

YESSSSS!
Not married, but totally agree with this.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I think you tend to find answers to questions like this when you poll newlyweds cause it's easier to see them. Now things merge all together. I also think it matters when (your age)you get married. I got married young so my husband and I changed together. So I can't think of any real changes that happened after marriage.

I think it's imperative to marry someone that is your friend as well. That's key! Many people don't do this.

I married one of my best friends and I still want to stomp his guts out more than a few times a week and have thouoght about up and leaving his *** a thousand times. It helps but only a little.

 

[Makenzie]

I married one of my best friends and I still want to stomp his guts out more than a few times a week and have thouoght about up and leaving his *** a thousand times. It helps but only a little.

Okkaaayy! I was friends with my ex husband from we were 13 years old. Got married at 26 after dating 2 years. All the years we were friends when he irritated me I could walk away. Can't do that to a husband. Plus, for some strange reason marriage has a way of highlighting imperfections that initially may not have bothered you.

 

[snillohsss]

When I say "friends", it doesn't mean that one should be longtime BFF's before dating. I wasn't my husband's friend before we met, but after we started dating we realized that we had more things in common than not. That is what I mean by friends. I've known my husband for 21 years, and we have been a couple for 20 of those years and married for 15.

The husband and wife should generally be interested in the same things, be able to laugh, play, and just hang out together eventhough you live under the same roof. The differences we have are actually qualities that we each wish we had. That doesn't mean there isn't any bad qualities, but there is so much good, that it outweighs the bad.

 

[Britt]

Not to pry ladies at all.. but what problems arised w/ your DH even though he was your friend? Is it domestic issues where he's lazy and you feel burnt out from taking care of the house and kids all by yourself (this is a concern of mine).

 

[Makenzie]

When I say "friends", it doesn't mean that one should be longtime BFF's before dating. I wasn't my husband's friend before we met, but after we started dating we realized that we had more things in common than not. That is what I mean by friends. I've known my husband for 21 years, and we have been a couple for 20 of those years and married for 15.

The husband and wife should generally be interested in the same things, be able to laugh, play, and just hang out together eventhough you live under the same roof. The differences we have are actually qualities that we each wish we had. That doesn't mean there isn't any bad qualities, but there is so much good, that it outweighs the bad.

I see what you're saying. You should 'like' the person and enjoy just being with them.

 

[MD_Lady]

The fact that your life will be heavily impacted by someone (and theirs by you) else is a MAJOR change. As a single person, for the most part, only you influence your choices (where you choose to live, the car you choose to buy, your finances, the way you furnish your home, how and where you spend your holidays, the amount of disposible income you have, etc.). Not only can you make decisions without consulting anyone else, but the decisions other people make have 0 impact on you. I'm not going to say that the nature of this "impact" is the same for every couple, but I have yet to meet a married couple who's lives didn't overlap, even for the most (seemingly) insignificant circumstances. I don't think it's anything to be overwhelmed or frightened by, it just comes with the territory.

 

[Fab_Nikki]

I think alot might have to do with people have flawed expectations of what marriage is. They think its all PERFECT because too many of us watch PERFECT movies. LOL Marriage is WORK...!!! I mean a full time job after my PAYING job. But if you want the benefits of a happy marriage it takes work. Most people just want to skip all that work and stay happy.
Now you're a good one if you have THAT marriage but I know sometimes I wanna bust my hubby's head till the white meat shows. I believe if you're going to have a successful marriage then it takes alot of compromise and unselfishness (among many other things). Many of us have a HARD time with these two things, so we give up.

I am totally rambling but I was married the first time when I was 20 years old. I didn't know ISH about being a wife, but I knew how to cook, clean and yes physically take care of my husband. But I was mean as a snake. I was set in my ways at 20 and wouldn't budge on anything. After my divorce (LMAO) I took a real long look at myself and realized I was at fault for much of that marriage. I realized that it took way more than cooking, cleaning and sexing a man to keep him. When I met my current husband (who was previously married at 21) we KNEW what is required for a successful marriage. It is totally a work in progress but I tell you God is working miracles in me because back in the day I was something. Now I totally respect my husband, compromise with him and yes sometimes bow out when we're in disagreement. These are things I never did in my last marriage. I didn't go into our marriage with any preconceived notions of what marriage is. We kept it real with each other and work together to make our marriage work for US.

 

[divachyk]

I think many great examples were shared. My dh and I were great friends and are best friends now. We married young. I was 20 and he 22. Over the years we matured and our desires and expectations changed and they didn't necessarily change in the same direction. It takes a lot of work to work through maturity changes but we did it. We still stryggle from time to time seeig eye to eye but we hit 13 yrs of marriage this year. Not easy. Some days you just want to say forget this mess and throw in the towel but sticking with it has been well worth it for us.

Sent via DroidX using LHCF app

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Personally, things did not change for us when we got married; however, a divorced male friend has told me for years that "most women change once they get the ring." I asked him to explain and his rationale is that his ex-wife and the wives/ex-wives of his friends said the women did all these great things when they dated (makeup done/hair done/clothes looking great/cook/clean/sex 7 days a week) but after the wedding it all stopped.

He says women think of the wedding as the end of the game....not having to do all the personal upkeep they did when dating while men see marriage as sealing the deal on all the great things the woman did during the courtship.

My basic advice is whatever you did to get the ring, keep doing those things throughout the marriage.

 

[phynestone]

^^^Don't you think some of the problem lied within your male friend and his friends for picking such women? Aren't their signs that prove an individual may become lazy or complacent once they get something they've always desired?

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I have witnessed men and women fake the funk so to speak, very well.

It's like those men who are only after the nookie. In the beginning, they are very loving, caring, and attentive, as they are aspiring to attain a "goal".

Once that has been accomplished all of the above dissipates.

People in general love the "chase", they are extremely gung ho and committed to it.
Once the chase is removed, true nature is quickly revealed.

The question now is, how you can tell if someone is "chasing"?

I have learned that people will tell you who they are if you just listen. People (with the exception of a few) can put on airs all day long, but it's very hard to hide who you truly are. I don't think that you have to grill them, that won't work, they'll prepared with all the right answers anyway.

Just listen to them....they'll spill it without even knowing they did! Trust me !

 

[naturalmanenyc]

My friend has his own issues so I am certain that some of the blame for the failure of his first marriage was him.

I don't know any of his other married/divorced friends though so I cannot comment; however, there are two sides to every story. I refuse to believe that in all those situations the women became complacent.

^^^Don't you think some of the problem lied within your male friend and his friends for picking such women? Aren't their signs that prove an individual may become lazy or complacent once they get something they've always desired?

 

[*CherryPie*]

See, this is why I don't do too much extra, out-of-the norm stuff. I don't want men expecting all of that all the time, when I don't feel like it.

Personally, things did not change for us when we got married; however, a divorced male friend has told me for years that "most women change once they get the ring." I asked him to explain and his rationale is that his ex-wife and the wives/ex-wives of his friends said the women did all these great things when they dated (makeup done/hair done/clothes looking great/cook/clean/sex 7 days a week) but after the wedding it all stopped.

He says women think of the wedding as the end of the game....not having to do all the personal upkeep they did when dating while men see marriage as sealing the deal on all the great things the woman did during the courtship.

My basic advice is whatever you did to get the ring, keep doing those things throughout the marriage.

 

[NYDiva]

^^^Don't you think some of the problem lied within your male friend and his friends for picking such women? Aren't their signs that prove an individual may become lazy or complacent once they get something they've always desired?

There is a HUGE difference in what you have time to do when you see someone on your own terms, don't have children and can spend your money as you like. As one of the previous posters said marriage is work! Very similar to being in a long-term relationship.........people get complacent. And having children is a very big adjustment for both husband and wife. I always dressed comfortably and in what I thought looked good on me, once we got married my husband became more vocal about the styles he liked on me.......which was fine, but once we had children he truly didn't understand that I was not going to be wearing platforms when going out with our toddlers, unless he was with us......got to be prepared for anything with little oneserplexed. Spouses sometimes tend to judge each other rather than rolling up their sleeves and asking, "How can I help, or what do you need from me?"

 

[NYDiva]

See, this is why I don't do too much extra, out-of-the norm stuff. I don't want men expecting all of that all the time, when I don't feel like it.

So true, the best thing to do is to be yourself. Too often people are trying to "win" someone with a false resume, lol!

 

[Farida]

You can seem to see all the flaws that you were blind to before. For example, the things that you thought were "so cute" before now work your last nerve.

Yes. I wrote this in another thread. Spontaneous becomes irresponsible/never planning for anything. Adventurous becomes crazy or stupid etc etc.

Okkaaayy! I was friends with my ex husband from we were 13 years old. Got married at 26 after dating 2 years. All the years we were friends when he irritated me I could walk away. Can't do that to a husband. Plus, for some strange reason marriage has a way of highlighting imperfections that initially may not have bothered you.

No matter how intertwined your lives are, there's something about all of a sudden knowing that you were "stuck." When you get angry when you are dating or shacking deep down you know you have the ultimate freedom to do whatever you want at the end of the day. You may never have intended to but that feeling is comforting. You get married and that is gone.

The fact that your life will be heavily impacted by someone (and theirs by you) else is a MAJOR change. As a single person, for the most part, only you influence your choices (where you choose to live, the car you choose to buy, your finances, the way you furnish your home, how and where you spend your holidays, the amount of disposible income you have, etc.). Not only can you make decisions without consulting anyone else, but the decisions other people make have 0 impact on you. I'm not going to say that the nature of this "impact" is the same for every couple, but I have yet to meet a married couple who's lives didn't overlap, even for the most (seemingly) insignificant circumstances. I don't think it's anything to be overwhelmed or frightened by, it just comes with the territory.

Yes. I am seriously considering a career change but now I have to consider DH's time, feelings, investment. My mom has been ill and I really feeling like telling the world to take a hike, drop everything and go be with her. I can't just ignore my husband forever to take care of my mom.

Even how other people treat you changes. DH and I dated for over 4 years. It was not until we were engaged that I felt his family truly let their guard down and treated me like 100% of them. In the past if DH said he wanted to go study abroad or something his mom would totally encourage it. Now he even mentioned it in passing and she scolded him big time.

No matter how committed you feel, friends, society and family will treat you as an option, not a necessity. I have seen people date or shack up forever, due or chic dies and the family acts like the dead person never spent a breathing moment with the SO.