What are your "Marriage Musts"?

Glib Gurl

Glib Gurl

Well-Known Member
So I'm reading the book First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages (thanks Bunny :grin:) and it's completely blowing me away and giving me a lot of hope about finding my mate. One strategy that the author strongly encourages is coming up with a list of "marriage musts." Here is what she says on the topic:

When it comes to figuring out the type of partner you're really looking for, it's not about a list of likes and dislikes; it's about getting really honest about yourself, your life, and your future and figuring out your "marriage musts." These musts aren't something you find "out there" or after lots of random dinners and movies out. They are values andlifestyle choices that you determine from "in here"--the sometimes frightening place found deep within yourself.


Before you freak out, she warns readers not to treat the marriage musts as a laundry list:

It's important that you don't interpret these marriage musts as meaning that the person has to have ALL of these qualities or traits right now . . . . t's more important to look at hte person's fundamental qualities and potential that will develop over time. This is not about instant gratification . . . . [K]nowing your marriage musts is not about instant screening, but about knowing your criteria before you get caught up in a relationship . . . . The men you date become the men you marry.

Rather, the list helps you not only identify what you want, but also what kind of person you are/need to be in order to attract what you want. (For instance, if you want a reserved, church boy but only go to meet met at bars and da club, there may be a reason why you're not meeting him.)

I have decided to come up with this list and wonder if you ladies would be interested in doing the same (and sharing, of course, since this is LHCF :lol:).


Single ladies, what do YOU have on your list of marriage musts?

Engaged/Married ladies, what do/did you have on your list of marriage musts? How did (future) hubby line up with those musts?

Go!
 
Here are mine :grin:

Character
  • Faithful, honest, and trustworthy – I need someone who is true only to me and someone about whom I don’t have to wonder where they are or what they’re doing every time he leaves the house.
  • Intellectual curiosity – someone who wants to learn more and someone from whom I can learn things.
  • Sense of humor – He doesn’t have to be the one cracking jokes, but he should at least be able to find the humor in things and laugh along with me.
  • Someone who is sweet and loving and inspires me to be the same way.
  • Someone who is NOT negative, hypercritical, domineering, or bossy.
  • Someone who is confident (with good reason to be), yet humble.
  • Someone who believes I am a beautiful prize to be treasured (i.e., is not “settling” for me).

Culture & Religion
  • He has to be interested in and appreciative of other cultures – particularly African-American culture and history.
  • At a minimum, he must not reject Jesus and must be supportive and an active participant in my faith life.
  • Committed to ideas of social justice and service (not just “me” and “mine”)

Family & the Future
  • Someone that I can build something with – a home, a family, a foundation for the next generation (both our own family and the community at large)
  • Someone who is committed to having a family with me and is willing to do the work of making that happen (even if health complications or fertility issues arise).
  • Someone who is willing to adopt.
  • I must feel comfortable and embraced by his family.
  • Someone who will share household and childrearing duties with me. (Bonus points if he can cook!)
  • Someone who values marriage as an institution and is willing to do the work of making it work.

Time & Money
  • He has to have his own set of friends and interests. He doesn’t need to hang with me all the time. At the same time . . .
  • He should be someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with (good conversation, sense of humor, enjoy similar activities, etc.)
  • Someone who is frugal, but not miserly. Someone committed to spending, saving, and giving in the adequate quantities.
  • Someone interested in traveling.
  • Someone who is balanced and not a workaholic (and will help me achieve the same)!
 
You're asking a lot here though! Folks need to let this marinate before giving long answers! :lol:

A quick answer from me before I get on a plane... I needed a man who believed in being a provider for his family (regardless of whether his wife worked or not), who was open-minded in many ways, who valued education and who also recognized the importance of a father in the growth and development of children.
 
Character
* Honesty (I'm huge on this. I can almost be down with anything if you don't lie to me about it)
* Respect (One of my things is to see how the men I dated treated waitstaff - if you don't have a respect for people simply because they are human and deserve it - I have a problem)
* Humor (gotta be funny - and I prefer a dry and sometimes highbrow wit)
* Cannot be jealous. (I can't handle jealous men - it's too restrictive/paranoia making. I grew up with a suspicious/jealous man, and I watched my mother shrink in response to it. Will not deal with it. :nono:)
* Has to be trusting ( this kind of ties into the jealousy thing - if you can't/won't trust me because I'm a woman and you've been burned before - you need to heal, then come and holla)

Culture & Religion
* Has to be comfortable with things outside of American culture (I eat crazy foods, I follow an off the wall religion - I can't have Mr. I've never left the city I was born in)
* Has to be willing to travel
* Has to be open to learning and experiencing new things
* Cannot be a religious fundamentalist/literalist of any stripe. I'd get along with an agnostic/atheist more.


Family & the Future
* Has to want children
* Has to have a vision in mind for the long term future - what does he want his life to look like?
* Has to be willing for me to be a SAHM
* Has to be open to creative discipline and childrearing - I have some what I consider to be well informed and pretty strong opinions on certain aspects of childrearing - he has to either agree, or not agree and let me do it anyway. :lol:
* Cannot be overly attached to his family.
* Has to believe that marriage is for life, and divorce is an option of the very, very, very last resort

Time & Money
* Has to be punctual. I cannot stand constantly late people.
* Has to have a good work ethic
* Has to have a sense of financial matters/how to manage money
* Has to be someone I want to spend time with - I'm going to, so I should want to - and enjoy it, too.

I got most of what I wanted.
Humor wise - he's a punster. *groans*
Money wise - he was never taught how to manage money - but he's learning, now.
Family wise - We've headbutted majorly on one aspect of childcare, but I won. :lol:
 
That's a long list G. uummm. Mine are pretty direct.

Character
*Loyal, respecteful, hardworking

Culture & Religion
*Believes in God/respects that I do

Family & the Future
*Has to want children
*Has to be ok with me being a SAHM (if financially feasible)

Time & Money
*Has to be responsible with money/willing to learn
*Has to like spending time with me or want to make time for me and family
 
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In a nutshell (and I ask the same of myself):

1. He has to be willing to do what he has to do, even if it's not what he wants to do: Life is unpredictable and I needed to know that he would be willing to come out of his comfort zone to make our life (relationship, household, etc.) run smoothly.

2. Understanding and respecting me for who I am: Selflessness and compromise are (IMO) key ingredients to a happy marriage. However, people came into the marriage as individuals and don't stop being individuals once they say "I do". Being slow to speak, quick to listen, and getting to know me for who I really am was very important. He also needed to respect and accept our differences as he would have me respect his.

3. Compromise: I am a frequent user of the words "our" and "we" when it comes to marriage. I wouldn't be happy "calling all the shots" or doing all the yielding and sought out a man who felt the same way.

4. "We" come first: I am VERY close to my family. However, I understood that once I became a 'wife', I couldn't allow my roles as daughter, sister, granddaughter, etc. to interfere with that. As much as I want and value a man having a close relationship with his family, he should not allow this to interfere with or cause conflict within our home or marriage.

I might have more later, but that's all I have for now. :yep:
 
Character
Honest, unselfish, thoughtful, Sense of humor, (dosent take like so serious that he cant laugh about it)

Culture & Religion
A for real faith in GOD

Family & the Future
An understanding of his role as a husband and father and a willingness to carry it out.
traditional discipline for children
values family and having a women at home.

Time & Money
*Fiscally informed and responsible, Punctual, values education
 
Your answers are awesome ladies -- keep 'em coming! (And yeah, I realize that it was a deep question but I was like, "Dang - did I kill my own thread?" :lachen:)
 
1. Fidelity
2. Moral and Physical Courage
3. Table manners
4. Self Control (I would leave a man if he yelled or swore at me. That's just the way I am; "don' be disrespeckin'!") You'd be surprised. People who control themselves don't typically have time/interest in controlling others.
5. Fiscally and Socially Conservative
6. Wholesome (has to like domestic animals, small woodland creatures, children, home, hearth, and togetherness). I do believe that you can tell good from evil by watching ppl with prey animals and children.
7. BIG! Don't get the wrong idea. I don't actually know anything about penises, and I've been trying to think of a way to start a thread to ask experienced ladies for info without getting banned and losing my six-fiddy. I mean that I only find tall, large framed men attractive because I'm tall and large framed myself. Psychologically, I would not be able to have a relationship with a small/average bodied man because I know I would begin to relate to him in either a masculine or a maternal way.
8. Clean Bill of Health/Healthy Habits.

And that's about it. I wanted to say full head of hair, but I thought about it, and I guess it's superficial. If it's not on my list, I'm not set one way or the other about it.
 

In my own nutshell

God-fearing (he's not a bible thumper but loves God and will get to Church)
Prayer (I believe in praying and the value of praying as a family together thru good and bad)
Family oriented (supports my SAHM & WAHM goals & being financially secure for the future)
Hustler (knows rent/bills/food/savings comes first...everything else is 2ndary)
Genuine (keeps my best interest at heart no matter how much I'll bytch/cry)
Protector (he secures me, the women in his life and home)
Respect (he concerns me when needed and shows consideration constantly)
Humorous (if I'm crying & blowing snot bubbles..somehow he makes me smile)
Appreciative (he's thankful...shows it and says it)
Honorable (he's treated w/ high respect and is titled accordingly "The Truth":rolleyes:yea that nickname is an "ego stroker")
and last but not least he has to have a "State of Grace" - (we constantly seek God's Favor together)

...at this point...everything else I want actually falls within everything I have listed and to be honest FH is all of the above. I think that is why I can appreciate/cherish/love him as much as I do...I don't expect him to be perfect but as someone else put it..."he's perfect enough for me" to get through life with, raise kids and grow old. I undo the pressures of the world for him as he does for me...thats what we have each other for and I would be such a liar to say all of these features were presented up front...they weren't...through maturing, self-exploration and some life lessons these things have come over time. Good thread Glib...
 
Damn, this thread is really bringing things to light with me about my SO. He says all the time that he sees himself marrying me, but I'm not so sure if I really see that yet :sad:.
 
Here I go...
Character
  • Faithful, honest and trustworthy-I am not ending up on Snapped because you have lack of self or d--k control. I would need someone I can trust with me, this is til death-I don't want a plug puller.
  • Intellectual curiosity - can we please not eat at Red Robin every damn Saturday, can we go to a theatrical production, wine tasting, something different?
  • Loving and affectionate-no Tin Men; society takes enough shots at me without getting it at home.
  • Confidence-no Spongebobs, or mid-life-crisis sufferers need apply
  • No abuse of any sort-physical, verbal, drug, emotional will be tolerated. One strike, you are out...in a squad car.

Culture & Religion


  • Have some semblance of spirituality-you need to believe in a Higher power and the Magic Green Frog doesn't cut it.
  • Wants to at least try to make the community a better place-someone who is not just about self

 Family & the Future
  • Someone I can build a life with
  • Kids are optional for me, but don't start dropping hints all the time on me either.
  • Someone who is willing to adopt.
  • If your family doesn't accept me, we have a problem.
  • This is not only a spiritual union, but it is a business. It needs two people to run it, not just one. If you can't pick up a dish or your own drawers, do not apply.
  • You're in or you're out. Marriage has to be valued and kept sacred.

Time & Money
  • He must have his own friends. I can't stand clingers.
  • Someone who is responsible with money, willing to have finance this marriage and stay low on debt. I don't anticipate nor intend to be working at Walmart after retiring from medicine and these student loans because your arse sucks at money management.
  • Can we go somewhere besides your mom's house? He has to be able to want to travel. We both have to have passports. Period.
  • No workaholics, or megalomanics.
 
Here's my list (it's not all inclusive)

Physical Appearance:
6 ft or taller
Goatee or light beard around the jaw line
Define jaw line
Full lips (not big)
Black hair
Blue eyes
Nice (medium built) body; not bony or overly built
Well groom (not flashy)
Knows how to dress (coordinate)
Big hands (not monstrous)
At least 6-1/2 inch dick when hard OR LARGER
*
Spiritual
Loves the Lord truly and fully
Holy Ghost filled
Living a true Christian life
Works in the church
Attends church regularly
Prays/fast/read bibles
Discusses biblical principles openly
Biblical based MATE/HUSBAND as structure in the bible *(says it all really)

Wants
Makes more money than me (want option to work or not) (see above)
Loves his family; but not “momma or daddy boy” and respect and love my family.
Attentive Spirit to my needs and wants
A leader in our relationship as well as a follower
Open to new and adventurous things; never boring (in a good way)
Responsible (reference above)
Not afraid to be open (in all aspects); strong communicator
Goal completer
No low self-esteem
Knows his worth
Family-oriented as in want kids
Help in the kitchen/household chores (clean or cook)
Reading books, going to theatre, out to movies, etc
Makes more money then me.
Has own place and car.
Can apologize and mean it knows when he is wrong.
Uplifts me.
Never talks negative about me to others. But uplifts me and keep our business. OUR BUSINESS!
Make each other laugh, enjoy each other company.
No female friends that likes him for more than a friend.
Desires each other
Likes pets
 
I went through the book of Proverbs and wrote down characteristics of what I want in a mate and I came up with the following:

Righteous

Optimistic

Cheerful

Eventempered

Honest, Handsome, Humble

Godfearing

Wise

Loving, full of integrity, faithful

Not lacking in judgment

Prudent, patient, prosperous

Disciplined, diligent, discerning

Kindhearted, knowledgable

Of noble character

Joyful

Additionally, I would like to have:


I don't have a race preference but they must be a Christian and love me as Christ loved the church. Being unequally yoked is for the birds.


I'm pretty short (5'1) so at least 5'10 ( I don't have time for Napoleon syndrome)

Attractive but I don't have a shade preference. Slender to medium build


Loves the Lord truly and fully and has a relationship with him. Just cause you have some praying hands tatted on you does not count.

Holy Spirit filled and trying to help me improve my Christian walk

Living a true Christian life which includes regular church attendance and bible study


Makes at least as much money as me

Loves his family, but able to leave and cleave when we marry.

Attentive to my needs and wants, treats me like a queen and would ride or die on anyone who thought or acted otherwise.

Open to new and adventurous things, likes to travel, eat different types of foods

Strong communicator

Confident but not arrogant. He has to be humble

Helps in the kitchen/household chores (clean or cook)

Intelligent and a desire to continually grow as a person

Not critical, verbally or physically abusive, manipulative, or selfish

Good sense of humor

Good social skills

Outgoing

Community focused. I need him to want to do community service- not be court ordered to do it.
 
Brittster said:
Damn, this thread is really bringing things to light with me about my SO. He says all the time that he sees himself marrying me, but I'm not so sure if I really see that yet :sad:.
Click to expand...

How so? (If you don't mind sharing . . . otherwise, I will MYOB :yep:)

@ SunkistDiva - I :love: your list!
 
Glib Gurl said:
How so? (If you don't mind sharing . . . otherwise, I will MYOB :yep:)

@ SunkistDiva - I :love: your list!
Click to expand...

I just realize that a lot of the qualities listed I don't really see in my current SO. I see certain basics in him that I like such as they way he is w/ children, his son, his nieces, and I think he'd make a great father. I also like the fact that he's well composed and would be there for me if I had an emotional issue and needed strength, he balances me in that way.

But my main issues w/ him are, I see that he has been very financially irresponsible in the past, so that means $ issues might arise in a marriage, and the other more major issue is that he doesn't talk, for a while he was emotionally unavailable, and now I realize that part of that is because he has a very hard time communicating himself to me. He has a way of pushing things under the rug, he's not confrontational at all, he keeps things inside of him of like a time bomb. I think communication is of extreme importance and he's severely lacking in the department (but he's very passive aggressive, which I hate), a lot of issues arise in a marriage and relationship due to lack of communication, I read it on this board all the time. I hate that I can't get through to him, and he certainly doesn't get through to me, b/c he just ignores me and tells me everything bothers me. He doesn't discuss detrimental issues at all :nono:. He also doesn't really anticipates my needs on little minor things. This is not so much of a make or break issue but the lack of communication and his financial situation are deal breakers. On the other hand, he sees himself marrying me, and lately, I'm def not really feeling the sameway deep down, and what's bad is that I can't or don't know how to talk to him about it.

Superficially speaking, he's 100% in the dept, tall, dark, handsome, extremely masculine :lick:... however, I need wayyyyy more than that !
 
My Marriage Musts?

A man who has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Someone who has a testimony usually also has faith.

Honest and Faithful
Takes responsibility for his actions (whether good or bad) and desires to learn from his past mistakes
Is a good steward with his money and earns a decent salary (enough to take care of his family)
Comes from "good stock" (i.e. Solid, structured family background)
Country boy<--- Just my preference :)
Great sense of humor and someone who can make me laugh (this will surely get us through some rough patches :rolleyes:)
He does what he says he will do (Character)
Can communicate and resolve issues within our relationship (BIG ONE)
Not possessive or jealous
Confident and Intelligent
Looks at me as his Queen ;)
Eager to learn new things, travel and experience life with me
Someone I LIKE. Yes, you can love someone and not even like them... and that's not what I'm going for. :nono: I'd like to be able to say he is my "friend"
A man with a "teammate" mentality (in other words, it's not all about "him" or "me" but "we."... and he "gets" that)


:yep::yep::yep:
 
WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR IN A MAN!!!
-Spiritual/follows the Bible
Deserving of me submitting to him
-Knows his mission in life
Willing to lead me, but also willing to follow
-Financially responsible
Willing to pay majority of the bills
-Respectful
Not only to me, but all the people in his life
-Faithful
Don’t have to worry about him stepping out or doing something that will make me lose all trust and faith in him.
-Helpful
Willing to help everybody, but knows when to say no
-Good work ethic
Goes to work even when he don’t want to, won’t quit a job just because
-Good listener
Willing to listen to me ***** and moan, and listen to my advice
-Good/ok cook
Willing to cook sometimes and understand that I will not cook everyday
-Nice dresser
Know what is appropriate and when
-Knows when to walk away
Not an abuser, mentally, physically, emotionally, verbally, won’t curse me out, when he gets to that point will walk away, but not a punk
-Good Teacher
Willing to teach me things that I don’t know, won’t get mad if I don’t pick up on it quickly
-Good Learner
Willing to learn new things, which I can teach him
-Good cleaner
Knows that I am not the cleanest, but willing to understand and help me out
-Willing to give me space
Knows that I love to spend time with him, but sometimes I want to spend time with my friends
and he will spend time with his friends
-Gym goer
Not a gym freak, but knows what the inside of the gym looks like, and is willing to work out and run with me. Won’t get frustrated because I am a slow runner.
-Good kisser
Doesn’t have to be great, I can teach him what I like.
-Supportive
-Working towards or has a degree
-No kids/older kids that are almost grown or grown
-Willing to have more kids if he has kids
-Likes most of the tv shows and movies that I like
-Understands that I do not like sports, but am willing to watch/go to the games just to support him.
-Understands that I like tattoos. Won’t make me stop getting them; will understand that I am not getting any weird or demonic tattoos.
-Loves to travel.
-Understands the military is my career and I will stay however long I want and won’t make me get out.
-Good father
-Loyal
-Shows his love through actions
And also his words
-Wants to take care of me
-Strong sense of morals
 
-love and respect a higher power
-love and respect me
-i'm always happy to see him or talk to him
-he knows how to lay the pipe and is a card carrying member of the plumbers union, if not the president!:drunk:
-we travel well together.
 
R4L said:
-love and respect a higher power
-love and respect me
-i'm always happy to see him or talk to him
-he knows how to lay the pipe and is a card carrying member of the plumbers union, if not the president!:drunk:-we travel well together.
Click to expand...

:thatsall:
 
I haven't been in much relationships in my 28 years but I've seen enough to know what I would like to have and what I would tolerate.

1st and foremost above everything else, we must be equally yoke. He must be born again by the blood of Christ and is faithful in his fellowship and relationship with the Lord. He also should be a member of a church family. We must together put Christ in everything that we do and make him the center of our marriage. Everything else will fall in line.

We must respect each other no matter what
communicate
laugh
share

The basics that most marriages have but we should also have our own spin on our marriage. If we fall we'll pull each other up. He'll accept the fact that I have a little extra weight, I have scars, I'm a little loca, and he won't run. I'll accept the same if this is the way he is.

We'll take care of each other. I'll be his helpmate just like I was designed to be. Also, he will treat me like a queen. I've never been or have had romance before so I'm glad that it will be and looking forward to having that with my future husband. I want to be taking care of with no strings attached. I will also do the same with him.

I want to go on trips with him, share my friends and family, share my interests, my passions and my whole life with him and he with me.

I want us to have an open door policy regarding the communication in our marriage and our overall relationship. We should be able to share everything with each other and become the best of friends.

I'm a free spirit, I hate to be controlled, so I will not stand to be abused or controlled and I will stand up for myself. I lived the last 5 years watching my mom go through it I refuse to go through it.

I have PCOS and endometrosis, I believe that if it's the Lord's will I will have a baby but just in case, he has to accept that this is what I have and we have to believe that the Lord got this.

The Lord God himself truly knows what are my marriage must because he designed my husband before the foundation of the world. So even though I just wrote down what I've written, the Lord knew already what kind of man I needed and who would fit me and I would fit him.
 
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There are lots of things...but at the end of the day I must consider this person a good friend. I don't know why I always assumed that I would marry a close friend, but to me it's important that we share the important things and some of the little things too. I want to be with someone that I know understands how I view the world and can be someone to engage with and grow with.

I feel that if we have a deep bond of friendship, we will already have shared feelings about religion/spirituality, family life, personal responsibility and character, etc. This is how it has worked in the past.
 
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Ambition was my #1 priority
Im educated yes I have my degree yes I have a corporate job yes but I dont care if my man swept floors you better be the best damn floor sweeper with dreams and goals to achieve and do bigger and greater things
all the love, great sex, and money in the world cannot keep me if a man has no drive
Hard working men is a MAJOR turn on for me:lick:

Respect
IMO people lump love and respect as one and the same...Ive had men that loved me and I knew that they loved me no denying but didnt respect...my husband is not mushy at all and we still have problems with his insensitivty but the level of respect he has for me is like no other man Ive been with

Attraction
I cant get wet off of how much money you have in your bank account

Culture
Ive been with men outside my culture and it never worked. For me connecting Culture wise is very important to me. I lived in a very bad environment and I strongly belive that the way my parents raised me has alot to do with my sucess..I need to be with someone with similar background so theres no problems with raising children


Love is last on my list because its the easiest thing to work on. IMO very rarely do people spilt up becasue they didnt love each other
 
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dlewis said:
Optimus_Prime what info are you looking for?
Click to expand...

I'm not OpPr but what I want to know is:

Does size really matter? Would a virgin be disappointed with a small man or just an experienced woman? What is small anyway? I know the thing quadruples in size when erect so really how long does it really need to be, the vag is only so long right???

Thanking you in advance :lol:.
 
Avaya said:
I'm not OpPr but what I want to know is:

Does size really matter? Would a virgin be disappointed with a small man or just an experienced woman? What is small anyway? I know the thing quadruples in size when erect so really how long does it really need to be, the vag is only so long right???

Thanking you in advance :lol:.
Click to expand...

*deep breath*

Yes, size matters. Width/girth is often considered more important than just length.
Yes, a virgin can be disappointed, too - it just might take her longer to figure it out. :look:
Small is anything under 3.5 inches erect.
The vag has AMAZING stretch capabilities, and the length from opening to cervix varies from woman to woman - and depending on position, a larger fellow can be accommodated.
Soft size is often no indicator of hard size - you have the 'grow'ers and the 'show'ers. :lol:

:look:
 
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