What Am I Missing? Finding Mr. Right

Your boundaries were tested plain and simple, and you know where you went wrong. You haven’t heard from him and you were suppose to meet up yesterday. Well you need to block him and move on. You didn’t have sex Friday, so you got played on Saturday. Friday was a test. You halfway failed. You didn’t stick to Saturday, you got a baby sitter for Friday, and you went to his house after the date. He wasn’t going to get aggressive with you, but wanted see how far you would go. Do you go this far with men you usually date? Do you make it so easy and convenient for man to just do last minute dates with you when you are still in the getting to know each other stage? this is how men think!!! And when he said you might still be able to come over, even though he let you know his daughter would be there, you played yourself. You should have said take care of your daughter and I’ll holla at you another day. Your morals/values got tested. I would say stay off of online dating, but nobody seems to think anything is wrong with it. It’s like going to a club to meet a potential husband, knowing his might have gotten 10 phone numbers from other women that same night.. smh
 
I think he checked all the boxes and you started thinking “oh this might be the one!” Based on non-character traits. And it hasn’t been long just let it play out. But give it some distance because you were getting caught up in the whirlwind without really knowing anything about him.
 
I think it is so hard to not get caught up in the moment when everything clicks so right, feels so good and that is normal, but unfortunately it may make someone seem too available, too eager and takes the fun , mystery from getting to know someone.

I feel for you because I know it can seem to take forever to find someone you actually vibe with.
 
Evolving78 said:
Your boundaries were tested plain and simple, and you know where you went wrong. You haven’t heard from him and you were suppose to meet up yesterday. Well you need to block him and move on. You didn’t have sex Friday, so you got played on Saturday. Friday was a test. You halfway failed. You didn’t stick to Saturday, you got a baby sitter for Friday, and you went to his house after the date. He wasn’t going to get aggressive with you, but wanted see how far you would go. Do you go this far with men you usually date? Do you make it so easy and convenient for man to just do last minute dates with you when you are still in the getting to know each other stage? this is how men think!!! And when he said you might still be able to come over, even though he let you know his daughter would be there, you played yourself. You should have said take care of your daughter and I’ll holla at you another day. Your morals/values got tested. I would say stay off of online dating, but nobody seems to think anything is wrong with it. It’s like going to a club to meet a potential husband, knowing his might have gotten 10 phone numbers from other women that same night.. smh
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Thanks for the insight sis. You know, when he asked me could he see me on Friday I did consider the fact that It might not be good to let him make last minute plans with me. I was caught up in the chemistry we had and decided to go with the flow against my better judgement. I wanted to let things be natural for once and not be so rigid. I also haven't met anyone who I clicked with so well in years, it was a bit intoxicating. So while I would never normally go to a man's house that soon, he very well could have questioned whether or not I do. Maybe it was a test. And you are absolutely right regarding his daughter, I should have cut off any chance of us meeting that night once he told me she was going to be there. I read something today that made sense, it basically said it's easy to have standards when dealing with men you don't really like...the test is keeping those standards when you are flooded with attention from a man you're really feeling.

Online dating is a pit of foolery, but very convenient when you are working, going to school etc. I mean, where else am I going to meet men when I don't go out without a purpose?
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
I think he checked all the boxes and you started thinking “oh this might be the one!” Based on non-character traits. And it hasn’t been long just let it play out. But give it some distance because you were getting caught up in the whirlwind without really knowing anything about him.
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He appeared to me as all the things I put out into the universe that I wanted in a man, It was like I literally ordered the ninja :lol:. But you're right, I need to pace myself. Maybe I'm jumping the gun or maybe this was a lesson I needed preparing me for something else.
 
Lymegreen said:
I think he wanted to “prove” that it was his daughter that was there. Take it easy! This is a wake up call nothing more. Show some trust and regather your Wits you’ll be ok
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Definitely a wake up call.

C@ssandr@ said:
I say wait and see.

Please make sure you rotate. Believe it or not, your red-flag-o-meter works much better when you are actively dating multiple men all at once.

Aka, you won't even feel the need to ask these questions.
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I am rotating as we speak, I know it will help me keep things in perspective.
 
Reinventing21 said:
I think it is so hard to not get caught up in the moment when everything clicks so right, feels so good and that is normal, but unfortunately it may make someone seem too available, too eager and takes the fun , mystery from getting to know someone.

I feel for you because I know it can seem to take forever to find someone you actually vibe with.
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Reinventing21 said:
Also work on being more assertive; when he said you could come over and you were not comfortable with meeting his daughter, you should have said just that, (not tell him it is up to him and maybe he needs a nap).
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I was trying to be as transparent as I thought he was being, but it was too soon and I should have paced myself. There are a lot of reasons I got caught slippin', but at the end of the day I now know what I need to tighten up on.
 
Good luck, he seems like the type that knows his lifestyle impresses women, so he might be doing this with a few other women. Throwing spaghetti and seeing what sticks. If you seem too interested he might fallback and then pop back up when he thinks you've moved on, but then you remember how he impressed you so you give it another shot.

Ultimately, it's up to you. Don't take it personal, this is part of the game. If you don't want to play the game, then just tell him that and see what he says.

I date online sometimes and I also meet men in person. The men online tend to be a bit more passive-aggressive, but at the end of the day, I don't think it's a significant difference between the two.

I have a rule with men, especially the ones I meet online and we start texting: I don't reply to anything after 10:30pm until we've been hanging out for a while. I also don't do last minute plans, less than 48hrs notice. Caveat: if we're in the same area last minute and I'm bored, and I look cute :look:, I will grab a coffee. Like, if I'm shopping in the city or walking around. I absolutely won't meet any family members. This is all learned behavior, accept the 10:30pm rule; someone once told me that nothing is open after 1am but legs and gas stations. If you start the convo at 10:30, nothing good is coming after that.

Meeting men online gives you time to do "the research". You see their profiles, if it's an IG account attached, they are bit more candid when they think no one is watching or they're trying to impress. Meeting men in person, you have to do a bit more digging to get their true personality/routine behaviors.
 
From your post, I don't see any "red flags" per se, but it seems like you're attracted to him and he "checks boxes" and because of that you're getting a little caught up in "keeping the chemistry" at the cost of communicating your boundaries and preferences. I think you're feeling uncomfortable because there were a couple of instances where you kind of put your preferences on the back burner because of your attraction to him.

On Friday, you could have told him that while you'd love to meet up with him, you didn't have a sitter for your daughter and that it'd be best to keep the date for tomorrow.

On Saturday, you could have said something like "I'd love for us to spend time together, but I'm not really comfortable with coming over tonight since you'll be with your daughter. Let's plan something for later this week."

It seems like you're leaving things on his terms because you like him, but no matter how much you like or vibe with someone, you should always communicate your preferences since the relationship should be something that both people enjoy and this is how you can tell if you do truly vibe.

I think it should be less about looking for red flags and more about listening to yourself, acknowledging what you are and are not comfortable with and honoring what you want by communicating your preferences. Do you feel like if you communicate your preferences you'll "scare him away"?

It is a little rude that he never called back to give you a definitive answer, but I think you should just wait and see what happens since it's been such a short period of time. Moving forward, just make sure you're communicating what you want.
 
Damaris.Elle said:
From your post, I don't see any "red flags" per se, but it seems like you're attracted to him and he "checks boxes" and because of that you're getting a little caught up in "keeping the chemistry" at the cost of communicating your boundaries and preferences. I think you're feeling uncomfortable because there were a couple of instances where you kind of put your preferences on the back burner because of your attraction to him.

On Friday, you could have told him that while you'd love to meet up with him, you didn't have a sitter for your daughter and that it'd be best to keep the date for tomorrow.

On Saturday, you could have said something like "I'd love for us to spend time together, but I'm not really comfortable with coming over tonight since you'll be with your daughter. Let's plan something for later this week."

It seems like you're leaving things on his terms because you like him, but no matter how much you like or vibe with someone, you should always communicate your preferences since the relationship should be something that both people enjoy and this is how you can tell if you do truly vibe.

I think it should be less about looking for red flags and more about listening to yourself, acknowledging what you are and are not comfortable with and honoring what you want by communicating your preferences. Do you feel like if you communicate your preferences you'll "scare him away"?

It is a little rude that he never called back to give you a definitive answer, but I think you should just wait and see what happens since it's been such a short period of time. Moving forward, just make sure you're communicating what you want.
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Yep to the bolded.

Just curious, what are the other men in your rotation like?
 
Miss_Luna said:
Good luck, he seems like the type that knows his lifestyle impresses women, so he might be doing this with a few other women. Throwing spaghetti and seeing what sticks. If you seem too interested he might fallback and then pop back up when he thinks you've moved on, but then you remember how he impressed you so you give it another shot.

Ultimately, it's up to you. Don't take it personal, this is part of the game. If you don't want to play the game, then just tell him that and see what he says.

I date online sometimes and I also meet men in person. The men online tend to be a bit more passive-aggressive, but at the end of the day, I don't think it's a significant difference between the two.

I have a rule with men, especially the ones I meet online and we start texting: I don't reply to anything after 10:30pm until we've been hanging out for a while. I also don't do last minute plans, less than 48hrs notice. Caveat: if we're in the same area last minute and I'm bored, and I look cute :look:, I will grab a coffee. Like, if I'm shopping in the city or walking around. I absolutely won't meet any family members. This is all learned behavior, accept the 10:30pm rule; someone once told me that nothing is open after 1am but legs and gas stations. If you start the convo at 10:30, nothing good is coming after that.

Meeting men online gives you time to do "the research". You see their profiles, if it's an IG account attached, they are bit more candid when they think no one is watching or they're trying to impress. Meeting men in person, you have to do a bit more digging to get their true personality/routine behaviors.
Click to expand...

He was doing things he said was outside of his “norm”, e.g. he said he doesn’t bring women to his place, he doesn’t kiss women (not his thing, only if he has formed a relationship etc.). So all these rules I felt like he was breaking for me combined with my attraction to him made me forget myself/standards for a day. But I thought, well if he is feeling me this much to be so open, I hadn’t broke any cardinal rules (I kept my legs closed) so I was doing okay. But it could’ve been all game. Either way I’m not going to obsess over it anymore because ultimately, I was enamored of him because I felt like he was the genuine article...if he’s not and it was all BS, I’m glad I’m finding out early before I became really entangled with this man.

Those are great rules to have; men try to remove your boundaries in order to disarm you/get past your defenses...often for nefarious intentions. It’s important to remember that when making decisions that may compromise you.
 
C@ssandr@ said:
Yep to the bolded.

Just curious, what are the other men in your rotation like?
Click to expand...

I recently got rid of two men and need to replace them in my rotation, both were Nigerians...

*First one is a senior manager at a national dealership. On the first date he was overly sexual (tried to kiss me in my mouth at dinner) and wanted me to come Netflix and chill second date. I also wasn’t very attracted to him.

*Second one is an Engineer, well established, handsome and we have great communication, but he was low effort, no initiative = lots of women in his rotation.

New on the scene:
A Spaniard from NY recently relocated to the area. 7 years older than me, one teenage child, divorced ...works for the DoD. He’s romantic and charming but... this one is outside my box because I usually only date black men.
 
No quotes.

I believe all men act the same for the mostpart because they all have the same end goal. The only way to truly tell them apart is to set the same rules and boundaries for all of them regardless of "flavor" and then see who works out.

Always act as if you need to check your schedule and fit these men in. Never let them think there's just an "opening" in your life. That's how people who are unqualified for certain jobs get them, because there was an opening and the company appeared desperate to fill it.
 
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@prettydarkthing

What is that goal? And doesnt that depend on their age? Are women magically exempt from this?

I can only speak for my partner but he's pressed about being a husband and having children. Pressed, I tell ya :lol: he just turned 40 and I do not believe he is rare.

The idea that men only want drawers is only true for some, not all. I hope this helps op because I truly believe that the beliefs you hold will shape your experience. You will find exactly what you're looking for be it good or bad traits.
 
@C@ssandr@

I'm married. I knew I was looking for someone who was serious long term. I participated in one of the rounds of online dating challenges here years ago and pulled out of that online game in less than 2 months because met a wonderful man who let me know early that he wanted to get married and settle down as his end goal. We were younger so we had time to enjoy life together for a while before marriage knowing that we were going to tie the knot.

So your partner isn't necessarily rare. Also a lot of men at 40 feel pressed to get married because they don't want to look like grandpa pushing the swing with their toddler. So maybe you're right, I dont have the proper perspective when it comes to older men because my hubby is not in that age group.

I think it would be silly not think that getting the panties is one of most men's short term goals. Long term is probably marriage for the quality men. A lot of people are cool with just attaining short term goals. I'm a realist.

If my advice is off-base then somebody please let me know how letting men think you're always free and available works out. Not my thing.

I don't assume they're terrible men ahead of time, I just know people tend to value was is harder to attain whether it be time with a person or intercourse. Men tend to think that way.
 
Miss_Luna said:
Good luck, he seems like the type that knows his lifestyle impresses women, so he might be doing this with a few other women. Throwing spaghetti and seeing what sticks. If you seem too interested he might fallback and then pop back up when he thinks you've moved on, but then you remember how he impressed you so you give it another shot.

Ultimately, it's up to you. Don't take it personal, this is part of the game. If you don't want to play the game, then just tell him that and see what he says.

I date online sometimes and I also meet men in person. The men online tend to be a bit more passive-aggressive, but at the end of the day, I don't think it's a significant difference between the two.

I have a rule with men, especially the ones I meet online and we start texting: I don't reply to anything after 10:30pm until we've been hanging out for a while. I also don't do last minute plans, less than 48hrs notice. Caveat: if we're in the same area last minute and I'm bored, and I look cute :look:, I will grab a coffee. Like, if I'm shopping in the city or walking around. I absolutely won't meet any family members. This is all learned behavior, accept the 10:30pm rule; someone once told me that nothing is open after 1am but legs and gas stations. If you start the convo at 10:30, nothing good is coming after that.

Meeting men online gives you time to do "the research". You see their profiles, if it's an IG account attached, they are bit more candid when they think no one is watching or they're trying to impress. Meeting men in person, you have to do a bit more digging to get their true personality/routine behaviors.
Click to expand...

I've never heard the bolded before but I like it. I'm taking note and adding it to my arsenal.
 
C@ssandr@ said:
@prettydarkthing

What is that goal? And doesnt that depend on their age? Are women magically exempt from this?

I can only speak for my partner but he's pressed about being a husband and having children. Pressed, I tell ya :lol: he just turned 40 and I do not believe he is rare.

The idea that men only want drawers is only true for some, not all. I hope this helps op because I truly believe that the beliefs you hold will shape your experience. You will find exactly what you're looking for be it good or bad traits.
Click to expand...

I completely agree with the bolded.
 
Just read this and had to share with y’all ...

“During the first month of dealing with a man, he is wearing a mask. Instead of letting the butterflies, attention, and fantasy of him being the “one” take over, stay focused on getting to know him. I understand that it’s easier said than done. You want to love and be loved, so you get excited over a person and believe the words of affirmation that are rolling off their lips are truths. Nevertheless, you’re not 17, you’re a grown a** woman. You’re not battling against men that want to use you, the real enemy is your own mind. Men have ZERO power over you. Recognize that YOU control the access to your heart. Discriminate!

Why are you so afraid to test these dudes via real actions and real questions? You can’t chase off a man that was meant for you, what you do is narrow the field until you’re left with quality choices. Stop all the basic b**** crying about no options. You will continue to be exploited if you see these men as one of a kind or something that you need to cling to instead of test. A Spartan would never gush, “I want him so bad,” she thinks, “What’s his agenda?” I Spartan would never ask, “how do I get him back,” she thinks, “Good riddance!” You are a Goddess, rid yourself of these soft emotions, and project your power!”
Click to expand...
 
I would just say take a step back and reevaluate your behavior. I don't see any major mistakes on your part other than possibly coming across too eager.

Always remember you are the prize and he's supposed to be wooing you. Also, assume he's putting his best foot/mask forward and don't get caught up in how things look from the outside.

It sounds like you're keeping your options open, which is good.
 
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