Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry Controlling Men
by: Dr. Lundy Bancroft
Bancroft has worked with abusive men individually and in groups for over 18 years and is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the subject of abuse.
Myths about Abusers:
Myth #1 – He was abused as a child and needs therapy for it.
Abusive men are masters of the hard luck story and may find that accounts of childhood abuse are one of the best ways to pull heartstrings. A non-abusive man doesn’t use his past as an excuse to mistreat you.
Dr. Bancroft speaking to a client, “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you should know what abuse feels like. You should be able to remember how miserable it was to be cut down to nothing, put in fear, be told that the abuse is your own fault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman not more so, from having been through it”.
Therapy focuses on the man’s feelings and gives him empathy and support, no matter how unreasonable the attitudes that are giving rise to those feelings. An abuser program focuses on his thinking. Therapy typically will not address any of the central causes of abusiveness, including: entitlement, coercive control, disrespect, superiority, selfishness or victim blaming. An abuse program will make them its primary focus.
Myth #2 – He had a previous partner who mistreated him terribly and now he has a problem with women as a result. He’s a wonderful man and that ***** made him get like this.
Note: when he is describing all the wounds and terrible behaviors that his previous partner inflicted on him he is usually describing his own behaviors but he attributes them to the woman so he is the victim. He can craft an excuse to explain any of his controlling/abusive behaviors.
Myth #3 – He’s abusive because he feels so strongly about me. People cause those they care about most deeply the most pain.
Behavior is a choice. Feelings do not cause or justify bad behavior!
Myth #4- He holds in his feelings too much and they build up until he bursts. He needs to get in touch with his emotions and learn to express them to prevent those explosive episodes.
Dr. Bancroft found that most abusive men are not unusually repressed and in fact, have an exaggerated idea of how important their feelings are – nothing matters but his feelings.
Therapy geared toward getting the abuser to identify and express their feelings doesn’t work because this misguided approach feeds the abuser’s selfish focus on himself which is an important force driving his abusiveness.
Myth #5 – He has a violent explosive personality. He needs to learn to be less aggressive.
The great majority of abusive men are fairly calm and reasonable in most of their dealings that are unrelated to their partners.
Myth #6 – He loses control of himself. He just goes wild.
He goes berserk, smashing stuff. Dr. Bancroft recalls one of his clients saying,
“You know what? I’m amazed I’ve never thought of this, but he only breaks my stuff. And I always have to clean up the mess”. Obviously there is a calculation to what he is doing.
Also, it is common that after a violent episode, when the police show up, suddenly he’s calm and in control like nothing happened.
An abuser never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it but he feels justified inside. In short,
an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right or wrong.
Myth #7 – He’s too angry. He needs to learn anger-management.
He is not abusive because he was angry. He was angry because he is abusive. Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury.
His worst actions might occur when he is most angry (or when he uses alcohol or drugs) but the deeper pattern is operating all the time.
Myth # 8 – He’s crazy. He’s got some mental illness that he needs to be medicated for.
The abuser’s value system is unhealthy not their psychology. Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does.
No medication yet discovered will turn an abuser into a loving, considerate, appropriate partner.
Myth # 9 – He hates women. His mother or some other woman must have done something terrible to him.
Abusers often have close relationships with their mothers or other females. A fair number are able to work successfully with other females and respect her authority. So while a small number of men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a sense of superiority or contempt toward females and don’t show signs of problems with women until they are in a serious relationship.
Myth # 10 - He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
There are plenty of men with these fears who don’t abuse or control their partners – because they don’t have an abusive mentality.
Myth # 11- He suffers from low self-esteem
When you try to improve an abuser’s feelings about himself, his problem actually tends to get worse.
An abusive man expects catering and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands.
He never reaches a point where he is satisfied, where he has been given enough.
Think just for a moment about how your partner’s degrading and bullying behavior has hurt your self-esteem. Have you suddenly turned into an abusive person?
Myth # 11- He has poor communication, conflict-resolution and stress management skills. He needs training.
An abusive man is not unable to resolve conflicts unabusively, he is unwilling to do so. They tend to function just fine in tense situations at work without exploding, etc.
Myth #12 – Abuse is as bad for the man who is doing it as for his partner. They are both victims.
Abusers actually tend to benefit in many ways from their controlling behaviors. They get to be selfish, lazy and get their way !!! Unlike alcoholics they don’t “hit bottom”. They can go on abusing for 20-30 years continuing to destroy the emotional health of their partners.
Myth # 13 – He is abusive because of societal discrimination, etc. He feels disempowered so he needs to feel powerful.
Having been discriminated against is not an excuse for abusing your partner.
Myth # 14 – The alcohol/drugs are what make him abusive. If I can get him to stay sober, our relationship will be just fine.
Alcohol/Drugs do not create an abuser and sobriety cannot cure one. The only a man can overcome his abusiveness is by dealing with his abusiveness.
Key Points To Remember:
*An abusive man’s emotional problems do not cause his abusiveness. You can’t change him by figuring out what is bothering him, helping him feel better or improving the dynamics of your relationship.
*Feelings do not govern abusive or controlling behavior; beliefs, values and habits are the driving forces.
*The reasons that an abusive man gives for his behavior are simply excuses. There is not a way to overcome a problem with abusiveness by focusing on tangents such as self-esteem, conflict resolution, anger management or impulse control. Abusiveness is resolved by dealing with abusiveness.
*Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself.
*There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner’s abuse problem is his own.
Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
