Venting *very Long*

movingforward13

movingforward13

I do what I want...
Good morning ladies-
I am really bothered right now and venting.

The background to the story is here https://www.longhaircareforum.com/t...r-man-financially.741123/page-3#post-22721837

Yesterday- I picked up my son from Philly and met with my ex. Normally during pick ups- we don't say anything to one another and I don't even look at him. Well he took the time to say 2 words to me... He said he gave our son about $20 worth of coins and to make sure he puts them in his piggy bank. Ok too easy.

Well when I got home, I realized why he did that. The money was foreign and to "seal the deal" he included a mini Eiffel Tower souvenir. I think he took a trip out the country about a week ago with his girlfriend and trying to rub it in my face. He did this about 8 months ago when he took her to Jamaica- came back with Jamaican money, sand from the beach and a winter hat with the words Jamaica written all over it for our son. Then told me like 3 times to check our son's bags because there were "things" in there.

His girlfriend is Jamaican (like me) and she still has family in Jamaica so I assume he met her extended family as well. He knows I wanted to go to Jamaica myself to see my birth home and so I feel like he is rubbing it in my face. With this latest trip, I feel like again, rubbing it in my face to hurt me. Why can't he keep these souvenirs at his house for our son?
He spent more money on this chick than he ever did for me as the mother of his first born. He never took me any where, barely took me on dates, all the gifts I got were at the beginning of the relationship because I held him down while he was broke, etc.

I think he is trying to hurt me because I finally met someone that I can see things going far with. Ex is a bit jealous because my son absolutely adores my SO and talks about my SO all the time to my ex and his father's side of the family. When my ex found out I was dating, he demanded to meet my guy and started questioning me on where he worked and what he drove.
My ex knows that I can be sensitive sometimes so he basically knows the right buttons to push, even though I have deactivated most of them. Right now the "you cheated, I filed for divorce so you could be with her, leave me alone" button semi works. Why focus on hurting me to try to twist a knife you stabbed in my back. Go pay down your student loans or something before she runs because she realizes how broke you really are and how she is going to have to take care of you on her doctor salary.

So this is all a game done to get a reaction out of me, I know that much. That is why I don't say or do anything to him. However I just had a dream about him and her like 2 nights ago and in my dream I was pissed because he took her to Orlando. Like in my dream, I was raging. When I woke up, I was all confused at how angry I was.

I have moved on. I have a great SO that I have been with for about 8 months now. I have my own trips planned for personal and work. I have moved on from the infidelity and embarrassment as much I as could even though I feel like justice/ karma passed him by.

Not sure why him traveling bothers me so much, but even more- not sure why he is rubbing it in my face. Maybe it bothers me because he is doing all this for her because she is a Ivy-league educated doctor while he never did anything for me and I held him down while he was broke, gave him his first born and loved him as best as I knew how. I know better now but I damn near thought I was unworthy which is why he treated her better than me.

I guess I just need to vent. Karma missed her stopped so I often wonder maybe I deserved all this. But then why keep it going? Leave me alone. You are with her, cool. You spending mad money trying to keep up living luxury- fine but the daycare bill is behind $1000+ dollars that I have to cover your portion. At the very least- pay what you are ordered/owe before you go out the country. I know the true status of his finances (debt over $150K) so all of this is straight stunting. But she is worth the facade.

*edited for clarity
 
Last edited:
Listen hon, you are and were too good for him. He is a mean man that just wants to break you. He wants you to second guess and do the, "Why wasn't I good enough," game.

Many men move on to give the appearance of having the upper hand, and to make you feel bad but trust and believe he wishes she was you. You loved him unconditionally and he may never, ever get that again. Look at him going into debt to create something that is not even real. If he was truly over you, he would not be doing little asinine things with the piggy bank and the like to make you jealous. IIRC, you have a great SO that you may move in with shortly. Love him, enjoy him, be glad that a$$pole is no longer yours. He is her headache now.

(((HUGS)))
 
This irks me. You can't really do much about him since he is in your life indefinitely as the father of your child.

The best thing you can do is toss those souvenirs before your son even sees them. Or put them up in a box like Master did in the Color Purple. Your son can get them when he's older.

Focus on your son and your growing relationship with your SO. By no means should you allow your ex to have any type of influence on your relationship. Travel with your man and for your job. Enjoy it. Don't even focus on rubbing it in - just focus on enjoying it. Once you realize that you too can travel, his little trips will mean nothing to you.

As for the dream about being extremely angry. That is actually very optimistic. Extreme Anger actually mean you will be extremely happy about something. If you dreamed you were extremely happy/laughing, you'd be upset or crying about something in real life.
 
My guess is that since he is a user, he got with her, thinking she would be a better meal ticket for him. She's going to be a doctor! Little does he know, once she graduates and has student loans twice the size of his, it'll be awhile before he starts living the lavish life he hopes to live (I'm a doc, I speak from experience). Also, I'm sure she will find out who he really is soon enough. She actually did you a huge favor. If she does end up staying with him, she will be the one paying you child support, not him.

If I were you, I would continue to nurture my new relationship, and forget about that a$$. He is not worth your time or energy.
 
LiftedUp said:
:hug2:
She's not worth the facade, you are. That is why he's still obsessed with you.
Click to expand...
Thank you. This is hard to grasp but I will grasp that I am worthy too.

Bunnyhaslonghair said:
Chile, this is the game. This is what happens 95% of the time when you move on from a man to another one. Especially to one whom he perceives as better. Don't let this phase you. Let your son enjoy his gifts and pay this man no mind. He is acting like a fool.
Click to expand...
I notice that he even tried to cut his beard the way my SO does. SO is better- he may not have a "six figure salary" like my ex but SO is financially literate, responsible and is a responsible man to his own child. Did he think I wasn't going to find someone else? Like really? I was going to be alone until our son turned 18?

Lucie said:
Listen hon, you are and were too good for him. He is a mean man that just wants to break you. He wants you to second guess and do the, "Why wasn't I good enough," game.

Many men move on to give the appearance of having the upper hand, and to make you feel bad but trust and believe he wishes she was you. You loved him unconditionally and he may never, ever get that again. Look at him going into debt to create something that is not even real. If he was truly over you, he would not be doing little asinine things with the piggy bank and the like to make you jealous. IIRC, you have a great SO that you may move in with shortly. Love him, enjoy him, be glad that a$$pole is no longer yours. He is her headache now.

(((HUGS)))
Click to expand...
Funny you say that- he admitted to me when I first found out he was cheating that "she reminds him of me, but she isn't as pretty". Those were his exact words. I just don't get it. He is an idiot but it is like his idiocy doesn't stop. What is he trying to prove and to who? That he upgraded because she is a doctor and went to Cornell and he got her? He was justified in what he did to me, to our son?
He is her headache now. I couldn't imagine being with someone who would do that to the mother of his kid and the woman he married. I know she may not have the full story- but she knows enough. And she isn't dumb.

Bunnyhaslonghair said:
You don't know that karma is passing them up. They could be miserable behind closed doors. If you are jealous about him traveling, then that's an easy fix. Go travel! Start with Jamaica. Even if you have to go alone. Don't talk yourself out of it.
Click to expand...
True. You are absolutely right. I learned to let go of him coming back to me apologizing how dirty the did me. I don't want him back but I did want vindication. I will get my vindication myself moving forward (hence my name).
 
SweetNic_JA said:
This irks me. You can't really do much about him since he is in your life indefinitely as the father of your child.

The best thing you can do is toss those souvenirs before your son even sees them. Or put them up in a box like Master did in the Color Purple. Your son can get them when he's older.

Focus on your son and your growing relationship with your SO. By no means should you allow your ex to have any type of influence on your relationship. Travel with your man and for your job. Enjoy it. Don't even focus on rubbing it in - just focus on enjoying it. Once you realize that you too can travel, his little trips will mean nothing to you.

As for the dream about being extremely angry. That is actually very optimistic. Extreme Anger actually mean you will be extremely happy about something. If you dreamed you were extremely happy/laughing, you'd be upset or crying about something in real life.
Click to expand...

I put everything he gets our son in a box. Now I don't even look at the contents- I just throw them in. Son threw out the sand and seashells himself, which I was secretly happy about. I will take out son out the country since he wouldn't.
I hope the dream thing is true. I am ready for extreme happiness after 3-4 years of crap.

Godsdaughter001 said:
My guess is that since he is a user, he got with her, thinking she would be a better meal ticket for him. She's going to be a doctor! Little does he know, once she graduates and has student loans twice the size of his, it'll be awhile before he starts living the lavish life he hopes to live (I'm a doc, I speak from experience). Also, I'm sure she will find out who he really is soon enough. She actually did you a huge favor. If she does end up staying with him, she will be the one paying you child support, not him.

If I were you, I would continue to nurture my new relationship, and forget about that a$$. He is not worth your time or energy.
Click to expand...
That is exactly what it is. He was so excited that a doctor would give him the time of day. He would tell people constantly that she is Ivy League educated and etc. because if someone like her gave him the time of day- he must be special. He is big on connections and stuff too so he added her med school friends to Facebook even though he barely knows them.

She is currently doing her residency in NY right now and he goes to NY very often to make sure she doesn't change her mind about him- comparison to only seeing his son once a month. We are equal distances from one another- no excuse.
There are plenty of single doctors in NY too that she will meet in passing- I know he is afraid she will leave him. I have heard him cry about it twice already.
She would be his meal ticket- but he has no concept of debt so he won't understand that her loans will take her check too. She isn't making much now as a resident. Guess they will just live up the high life for now until the bills are absolutely debilitating. You are right though- she did me a huge favor, albeit very painful. Lessons learned.
 
*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis one*

Guess what? He is jealous and insecure. Period. He is miserable because on the surface, he can see that it does not bother you, and this is why he does what he does, coupled with the fact that you have a new man in your life and it bothers him.

Success is the best revenge and that said, keep doing what you are doing. In fact, I would be more inclined to say hat since he can afford these luxurious trips (that she pays for), perhaps you should take him back and modify the child support since there appears to be a material change in circumstance.

Meanwhile, I would hysterically laugh in his face each time I saw him because he is miserable and very insecure. His time with her is short. Trust me on this one. No need for you to be angry because he travels. Start doing the same thing and do it well. I would be insulted to receive some damn sand and shells and a plastic tower from a trip. Chile puleez.....glad your son threw it in the trash.
 
I know that this will be REALLY hard., but not talking to him makes him think that you still love him. Someone told me the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference. Try talking to him by saying hello and goodbye with a smile on your face when you see him. I would comment on how nice the coins are. Like I said this will be really hard but when you do it think about how much you won by not being with him anymore. Think about your new beau who is much better than old beau.

So what he took her to Jamaica, based on what you stated regarding his financial situation, I bet she paid for it. Same goes for the Paris trip. So if the brand new doctor wants to stay with a guy who has 150+K in debt, who is barely working, hey props to her. Send her a bottle of champagne thanking her for taking him off your payroll (just kidding about sending the champagne)
 
The next time your son goes to visit send that little box of things with him so that they can stay at his house instead. He's using that as a hook, a way to have something of his, something to hurt you, in your home. Don't allow it. You are still healing from the heartache. That's okay. You are healing and growing. He is not. The best revenge is for you to be happy and to keep moving forward.

As far as he is concerned keep focused on your paper. How he gonna go to Jamaica and Paris and be $1,000 behind in daycare expenses? Idiot. You just be happy with your stable, kind, new SO and thank your lucky stars someone else will have to deal with his bs.

He is trying to hurt you because that is who he is. As Lucie said he is a mean man. It is up to you to not allow it and protect yourself. Start planning your trips girl. Have fun, laugh, enjoy loving and being loved. And finally, *** him:).
 
He just face timed our son and guess what was the first thing he asked about.... The coins. There is no more thinking he was rubbing it in- he definitely was trying to rub it in. So my son told him they were in the piggy bank and asked him how much they were worth. He responded 5 euros. Then my son came to tell me and I was like "Ok honey- I didn't see the coins so I am not sure how much they are worth." I did it all sweet but loud enough so he could hear me. I think he was disappointed that I didn't look at the coins. He got off the phone shortly after.

ThatJerseyGirl said:
*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis one*

Guess what? He is jealous and insecure. Period. He is miserable because on the surface, he can see that it does not bother you, and this is why he does what he does, coupled with the fact that you have a new man in your life and it bothers him.

Success is the best revenge and that said, keep doing what you are doing. In fact, I would be more inclined to say hat since he can afford these luxurious trips (that she pays for), perhaps you should take him back and modify the child support since there appears to be a material change in circumstance.

Meanwhile, I would hysterically laugh in his face each time I saw him because he is miserable and very insecure. His time with her is short. Trust me on this one. No need for you to be angry because he travels. Start doing the same thing and do it well. I would be insulted to receive some damn sand and shells and a plastic tower from a trip. Chile puleez.....glad your son threw it in the trash.
Click to expand...
He has always been an insecure man but it is crazy how far he would go. Like how did I not see this during our five years together? I do blame myself for staying so long with him and giving him a child- lesson learned.

ommns said:
I know that this will be REALLY hard., but not talking to him makes him think that you still love him. Someone told me the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference. Try talking to him by saying hello and goodbye with a smile on your face when you see him. I would comment on how nice the coins are. Like I said this will be really hard but when you do it think about how much you won by not being with him anymore. Think about your new beau who is much better than old beau.

So what he took her to Jamaica, based on what you stated regarding his financial situation, I bet she paid for it. Same goes for the Paris trip. So if the brand new doctor wants to stay with a guy who has 150+K in debt, who is barely working, hey props to her. Send her a bottle of champagne thanking her for taking him off your payroll (just kidding about sending the champagne)
Click to expand...
I didn't think of it like that- I thought if he saw me talking to him as friends/friendly like, then he would think what he did was ok and that he wasn't a bad person.

Don't get me wrong- I keep it civil. He sends emails every now and then to piss me off (stupid stuff pertaining to our son) and I always return the email back with a thank you for informing me or something along those lines to show him that he didn't upset me, even though he did.
I will try to do a standard hello greeting when I get my son from now on. A simple hello.

I doubt she paid for it. He has a good job now but he has a lot of debt so that doesn't leave much money once the bills are paid. He probably did pay his own way but she had to pay hers.

When he met her, he had just received a lawsuit settlement of $20K so he was balling out of control spending money on her to make it seem like he had it. Since then, he had to downgrade his Lexus to an older Corolla and had to move out the luxury apartment to a one bedroom studio because the debt started hitting. Again, this chick isn't stupid but I don't think she understands the writing on the wall. Her family is strict so she will not move in with him unless there is an engagement ring. Now that I think about it- I wonder if he took her to Paris to propose? I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

I found all this out because some members of his family are still pissed with him for what he did and they tell me stuff in passing. They all say what everyone here has said though so I just need to get it through my head. The grass isn't greener even though he is trying to fertilize it with bull sh!t.

hopeful said:
The next time your son goes to visit send that little box of things with him so that they can stay at his house instead. He's using that as a hook, a way to have something of his, something to hurt you, in your home. Don't allow it. You are still healing from the heartache. That's okay. You are healing and growing. He is not. The best revenge is for you to be happy and to keep moving forward.

As far as he is concerned keep focused on your paper. How he gonna go to Jamaica and Paris and be $1,000 behind in daycare expenses? Idiot. You just be happy with your stable, kind, new SO and thank your lucky stars someone else will have to deal with his bs.

He is trying to hurt you because that is who he is. As Lucie said he is a mean man. It is up to you to not allow it and protect yourself. Start planning your trips girl. Have fun, laugh, enjoy loving and being loved. And finally, *** him:).
Click to expand...
Thank you- all of this really.
He is mean. Like really, I feel in love with that?
Thank you all, ladies. I am starting to feel better and just going to do what I have been doing- ignore him.
 
I'm not sure why you're still allowing him to hurt you. You KNOW who he really is, these petty little digs should be rolling off your back. And if your ex is as broke as you say, and his new woman is a doctor, then she's probably the one taking him on trips. :look: What's enviable about that?? My ex could take his new chick to the moon, and I'd think how unlucky she is to have to go to the moon with that n*gga. Op, fvck him.

P.S. Don't send that stuff back to him. It's only going to show the Ex that he can still get to you.
 
Sounds like he has narcissistic traits. Have you read the narcissistic thread? You mighy find it enlightening.

I agree with being "friendly". My exH seems a lot like yours. The friendly confuses them and throws them off. The passive aggressive bs stops cuz they dont know what to do with it.

WRT the "gifts" I agree with @hopeful that its best to say something like "oh these are memories he has with you. Best to keep them at your place," and refuse to accept them or give them back if he sneaks them in you son's bag.

Honestly, coparenting is like any other relationship: you teach them how to treat you. Its passed time to set boundaries and enforce them when he act a fool. Decide first a foremost what is best for your son and move from there. Its shitty but you have to suck up the rest for his sake.

And on that note with all due respect you are not over him or at the least the damage he caused has not healed. This thread wouldn't exist or not sound so upset if you were. Thats not a judgement. Took me 5 years to get over my exHs wrongs. We were together 20 years. Our dd is now 10. Its a long road... you will work through it. It takes time.

Another question: is he paying child support?
 
Yes, just focus on getting your paper honey and expect or want nothing else from him. The giving him the stuff to keep at his house is not about him, but about you setting boundaries and being in control of your home and space. I recently read that marriage is about love and divorce is about money. Think about it, he didn't give you what you wanted or care about your feelings when you were married. He certainly won't care about you or your feelings now that you are divorced. It takes time to heal, that's all there is to it, and no getting around it. You are doing good. Give yourself credit for the progress you have made. Come here to vent or talk whenever you want. We are here for you :kiss:.
 
DarkJoy said:
Sounds like he has narcissistic traits. Have you read the narcissistic thread? You mighy find it enlightening.

I agree with being "friendly". My exH seems a lot like yours. The friendly confuses them and throws them off. The passive aggressive bs stops cuz they dont know what to do with it.

WRT the "gifts" I agree with @hopeful that its best to say something like "oh these are memories he has with you. Best to keep them at your place," and refuse to accept them or give them back if he sneaks them in you son's bag.

Honestly, coparenting is like any other relationship: you teach them how to treat you. Its passed time to set boundaries and enforce them when he act a fool. Decide first a foremost what is best for your son and move from there. Its shitty but you have to suck up the rest for his sake.

And on that note with all due respect you are not over him or at the least the damage he caused has not healed. This thread wouldn't exist or not sound so upset if you were. Thats not a judgement. Took me 5 years to get over my exHs wrongs. We were together 20 years. Our dd is now 10. Its a long road... you will work through it. It takes time.

Another question: is he paying child support?
Click to expand...
Yes- I first learned about narcissist from the infidelity board. He has some characteristics- they were very strong during the beginning of his affair, the discarding phase. This is the reason I ignore him now and let him get his ego kibble supply from somewhere else. Devalued and discarded him.
https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com...ays-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/

I definitely agree- not over it (what happened) but I moved on and am a long ways from where I started, which is why I was pretty surprised about the dream and how angry I was. D-Day was 12/23/2012 and they say it takes anywhere between 2-5 years to heal and achieve full indifference. I am over him- I do not want and would never take him back.

He is paying me a lot of money in child support. I have often received the threats that he is going to take full custody so I would have to pay him. I will work on speaking to him any time our paths need to cross like this week when our son graduates.

hopeful said:
Yes, just focus on getting your paper honey and expect or want nothing else from him. The giving him the stuff to keep at his house is not about him, but about you setting boundaries and being in control of your home and space. I recently read that marriage is about love and divorce is about money. Think about it, he didn't give you what you wanted or care about your feelings when you were married. He certainly won't care about you or your feelings now that you are divorced. It takes time to heal, that's all there is to it, and no getting around it. You are doing good. Give yourself credit for the progress you have made. Come here to vent or talk whenever you want. We are here for you :kiss:.
Click to expand...
Thank you- you are absolutely right. Never once cared about me.
 
Your ex sounds petty and childish. he is living a lie, major debt... the facade will soon crumble. I hope i don't come off sounding harsh, but you should be glad he is no longer your problem. You have a new SO who is good to your son and you. Your ex is the doctor's problem now. Karma will soon swing his way. In the meantime continue to hold it down for your son. Your ex is not worthy of the energy you are expending on him. All the best
 
Sounds like he's trying to get into a pissing contest with your SO more than anything imo. I say this because he asked what kind of car your new guy drives:rolleyes:.

I'm guessing they don't have much contact so this is his way to posture.

You have to find it in yourself to laugh at his weirdness.
 
I agree with the ladies, Karma is already there lurking. If he is so happy as he wants to projects to you, he won't need to want to show off or brag about whatnot.

Also, be wary of his family members passing information about his life to you. They will also pass your information back on to him. You can listen to them but be vague about yours.

You don't have to tell him anything about your SO. If he cared so much about who would raise his son, you wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.


















But the me will make my son donate those currency to the less needy/charity and making a big deal of how proud I am of him for being so kind and generous to others. I will then take him out for ice cream and give him a brand new €20 for his effort.
 
Which man goes to an island and think "Oh, let me bring back some sand/dirt for my son.... and flaunt it before my ex wife."o_O
I'm sorry HOW the breakup happened, but that 'male' did not deserve you.
Please focus on your son and your new SO. And try not to talk too much to your SO about your ex. If at all.
 
ommns said:
I know that this will be REALLY hard., but not talking to him makes him think that you still love him. Someone told me the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference. Try talking to him by saying hello and goodbye with a smile on your face when you see him. I would comment on how nice the coins are. Like I said this will be really hard but when you do it think about how much you won by not being with him anymore. Think about your new beau who is much better than old beau.

So what he took her to Jamaica, based on what you stated regarding his financial situation, I bet she paid for it. Same goes for the Paris trip. So if the brand new doctor wants to stay with a guy who has 150+K in debt, who is barely working, hey props to her. Send her a bottle of champagne thanking her for taking him off your payroll (just kidding about sending the champagne)
Click to expand...

I had the same reaction to her not looking at him.
I would look him dead in the eyes and give him that smile he liked, that twinkle in my eye from the new dack that I'm currently getting and just ooooozing with feminine kindness. Do it!
 
Sosa said:
Which man goes to an island and think "Oh, let me bring back some sand/dirt for my son.... and flaunt it before my ex wife."o_O
I'm sorry HOW the breakup happened, but that 'male' did not deserve you.
Please focus on your son and your new SO. And try not to talk too much to your SO about your ex. If at all.
Click to expand...
Right! Whats so disordered about this is that its not like the son was there beach combing and collected it himself! He just brought back a handful of dirt. Same thing with the foreign currency.

Thats actually really cruel to the little boy too, "look where daddy went and had fun WITHOUT YOU!" Just. Wow.
 
I'm not gonna lie, I've brought back sand to someone before and thought it was so romatical lol
Wait, I brought back an orange from FL with the dirt still on it so they can taste the authentic florida flavor lol
I know the context is different but I'm not so convinced that bringing back shells and sand for someone is mean. Just saying....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

monie20032007
Very long post, enter with caution!
Replies
10
Views
242
Danene5
Danene5
afrofaithful
Just Venting...
Replies
2
Views
178
Atthatday
Atthatday
monie20032007
So get this...(really long sorry im venting)
Replies
19
Views
502
locabouthair
L
J
He can't take the baby daddy drama
2
Replies
55
Views
1K
chocolat79
chocolat79
beans4reezy
They spent a night at HER house!!
2 3
Replies
80
Views
3K
LoveisYou
L
Back
Top